Birth Bouncer - new career for Lulu?!!

[Lulu]

After reading with (utter disbelief) the stories of family, IL's and friends attitude regarding their "rights" to attend births or hospitals, I am considering a career as a BIRTH BOUNCER.

Yep, I am fully prepared to stand at the door of the delivery room for you, duct tape your MIL to her kitchen chair or disable your BILs car so they do not bother my BB friends whilst they deliver their bubs in peace.

I am so irritated that I will probably do it pro bono.

Special or unusual requests will be my specialty.......What do you think?

[Cricket]

That's a great idea Lulu. I haven't had that trouble myself - my family didn't come close - but I've read the stories too, and wondered "who the heck do these people think they ARE?!" If you weren't there when the baby was conceived, and you're not a midwife, and you weren't invited - DON'T COME!!!

Do you get a uniform? What will you be armed with?

[Indadhanu]

Love it!!!!!! Oh, and I think an electrified cattle prod and a massive high pressure fire hose would be appropriate for the job

So... How's August for you?

[sushee]

I could have done with your services Lulu, though I did manage to stop my family from turning up.Would have been a lot less stressful having my very own bouncer though!

[~Raven~]

Oooh I could imagine them coming off second best after a dose of Lulu

[Cricket]

I suppose you could stand at the door in scrubs and examination gloves and just snap your glove suggestively at anyone who comes close. Enter if you dare.

[Phteven]

I could have done with you at my first birth and my SIL too.
Would you believe MIL and SIL's MIL burst into her room together within 5 minutes of her baby being born and pulled her daughter out of her arms while she was trying to get her first cuddles and played tug of war with her!!!!
Then when I was in labour with Yasin she tried to push her way into the labour suite with food!! I kid you not!! Why the crazy ***** thought that anyone would want a pot of oily Afghan food while they're trying to push a baby out is beyond me Luckily I had midwife bouncers but then she wouldn't leave until she had spoken with DH and given him the dreadful food so he had to leave me on my own to go and humour his mother. And then he wonders why I can't stand her
I crippled her at the second birth by making her babysit lol but if I ever have a surprise I might need to call on you. I give you my blessing to use excessive force...

[morgan78]

Can i use your services for birthdays & christmas as well

[shorty]

lmao!

[Lulu]

Ok - here's a list of services you can choose from.

For the passive/agressive I will stand at the maternity ward door in classic Door Biatch style. This includes a velvet rope, clipboard list sans their name. They will be given ONE chance to respond appropriately before I open a can of whoopass.

For those who believe you have no idea and should take all the drugs available I will appear in scrubs and a mask and assure them you ARE taking all the drugs and yes you are having a terrible time and are on your way to theatre right now.

I will give these people a list of other things they can do to "help" ie - go and tidy your house, make you a meal etc etc etc etc.

For those you think will not respond to the above

SAS style. I will disable their cars and/or prevent them from leaving their home or place of work using whatever means I feel is necesarry - duct tape is my personal favourite. Then subject them to a long lecture on "What We Can Do To Properly Support a New Mother". It will be totally up to you when they are released, either one day or one week.

Please note there will be a charge for this service as I will need to keep Divvy on retainer.


If you have something else you would like me to do, please let me know. Cattle prods and capsicum spray ARE available on request.