Is it a bit much to write post-birth guidelines for visitors?

[TeniBear]

I read a blog post earlier about making your intentions clear with visitors post-birth, and how too many intrusions can interfere with establishing breastfeeding and bonding, which I already knew. I realised that while I knew these things, some of my family/friends/in-laws might not.

I started thinking that maybe I should write a little list of rules/guidelines for the inevidible visitors I'll be getting in the hospital and at home. Just things like "please wash your hands before touching the baby" and "if you're uncomfortable with Teni breastfeeding, please leave the room."

Do you think it might be a bit much though? One part of me says it's a good idea, because I know a lot of people might not think of these things (especially - gasp! - the idea that they probably won't get to hold the baby); the other part says it might be overkill.

I understand the best way to get this sort of thing across would be to tell visitors directly what I'd prefer them not to do, but I don't trust myself to have the courage to do so. I'm a bit of a pushover and quite meek when it comes to certain people.

Also - If you think it's a good idea, please feel free to share what you might put on the list yourself

[Mum2Romone]

Generally at the hospital there are signs everywhere saying wash your hands. I'd just tell people when they go to have a hold, that they NEED to wash their hands first.... And in sure they will only have a quick hold of bub anyway, most people are scared of a fragile newborn.

DS had skin to skin contact with DH straight after birth, and then me.... Until we got cleaned up and were waiting to move rooms. When family came I told them all to wash their Mits..... They each had a quick hold and picture and I got my bub back in my arms, within minutes I know your stressing, things will go the way you expect.... Don't stress and generally people that aren't comfortable with seeing your big boobies when your breastfeeding will either look at the floor or eave the room.... It's not that they don't agree with it or anything either, some men just go weird when they see boobs. My dad and brothers were so f unny, always SUPER uncomfortable when I'd just flop it out they will get over it .... Or learn to vacate when they think it's time to breast feed lol....

BIL was ok with it , strange enough

[peanutter]

so many replies!!

Ok, my two cents:-

1. this is your and your DH's baby. your rules, your way, end of discussion. if you need a list, you use a list. if you think people may get offended, then you and your DH chat and decide which would be more upsetting/significant for you: not having things the way you want/need them to be, or possibly injuring relationships. and then you act accordingly.

2. I agree with the other opinions that your inner mumma-bear will get her growl on, once bubba has arrived, and you may surprise yourself I hope that's the case! because today's extended and badly positioned cuddles, or nicotined fingers in bubba's mouth might be minties and doritos being offered in a year, or inadequate pool supervision or inappropriate tv programs in two years ... I think you'll be a lot stronger and firmer once bubba is out

3. I love Tinks' idea about having a hospital gown on hand for any visiting smokers who may want a cuddle. That's a fabulous idea, which I may have to borrow, next time around

4. Could PZ or another friend/family member of yours be your appointed post-birth-b!#ch? who knows your rules, and ensures they're followed? Just an idea ...

5. you're doing a great job, you have time to figure this (and other things) out, and you're going to be fantastic.

and re your concerns about other people's comments, or not as many people possibly coming, etc, if you're half as fabulous IRL as you are on BB, then you're going to be smothered in love when the time comes. chin up, sweet!

[black_rose]

Maybe send an email or post on facebook? I know some of my friends didn't get it especially when all three were in the scn that you can't just rock up and have cuddles.

[TeniBear]

Maybe send an email or post on facebook? I know some of my friends didn't get it especially when all three were in the scn that you can't just rock up and have cuddles.

It's more the older family members I'm worried about, like Scott's dad (who I really hope doesn't visit, but probably will) and assorted auntie/uncles. So I can't do it like that They'll probably ignore it anyway, I'm just the silly girl with all the big ideas about how to live in the world...

[black_rose]

Midwives are great at bossing visitors around too, they will often need to check on you and bubs while visitors are there and will send them out if needed.

[Fleur]

Is it in hospital you're worried about, or at home? In hossy I wouldn't worry too much, the midwives will be good backup if you need it, and you can always say 'rules are...' for anything you want followed (like, washing hands first or not holding bub forever etc).

Home is a bit trickier, but maybe if you you are writing birth announcements you could put a couple of things on there, or a note in with the card?

The kinds of things I would put in a note would be 'Please don't visit if you are unwell; please call first; ' that kind of thing.

I wouldn't worry too much about BFing, in my experience if people aren't comfortable with it they will take themselves away. And a cheery 'hey, I'm going to whip them out now, so if you don't like it you'll have to move ' gives plenty of warning.
Washing hands - I would ask people anyway, even if you do have it written there will be people who will forget or ignore it.

ETA - another thing I might put in a BA card would be something along the lines of - don't call us, we'll call you - to let you decide when you are ready for visitors. You might be cool with visitors after a few days, or you might want weeks to settle in first...

[TeniBear]

It's a bit of both, really. BR is right - I should be able to have the midwives run interference for me a little at least. And in a hospital it is a bit more expected that people will wash their hands (though maybe not the "you probably won't get to hold the baby" thing) so I shouldn't worry too much about that.

I'm worrying more about the hospital because I don't get to control who visits. Unless they're visiting out of hours or I tell the midwives certain people aren't allowed through, anyone can just rock up and visit. At home at least I can pretend I'm not home, or have a sign on the door saying "go away"

I just fear people won't use their common sense - well, those that have any common sense to begin with!

ETA: Just thought I'd specify, the two things I mentioned aren't my whole list, they were just examples. I have about five or six more than that...

ETA2: UsPlus2, I would, but he might not be there the whole time. He still has to eat and sleep himself, and it's possible that might run into the normal visiting hours. Plus when it comes to his dad, he's an even bigger pushover than me I swear he worships that... I suppose I should say man...

[~Hestia~]

I know at my hospital they recommend that no one else besides mum holds the baby, if you want to hold the baby you have to just kinda hug mum & bub together. While I never followed these guidelines, maybe that's an idea for you?

Oh and in regards to the BF - I found saying "oh are you hungry? Is it time for a feed?" to my son was enough to send a few men out for a smoke! I didn't care but wanted to warn anyone so they could leave if they wanted without it being a big deal. They ones who stayed just carried on the conversation, without eye contact

[Cassius2]

mebbe tee it up with the middies to not have visitors; especially in the first 24 hours. i would say that it would be best to only have those that you really want to see bubs come to the hossy. tell everyone else that you are not having visitors there (tell 'em you'll be too tired and just wanting to bond etc). whatever the opinions of others on that matter is of no consequence to you...you, Scott and Cookie are what matters most in that moment. give people enough warning and they'll be ok i reckon.

my other tip is to get a group visit happening at home. tell ppl that short visits (enough for a cuppa is my limit in those first 6 weeks lol). for example, some lovely work people that wanted to visit, i bundled them up with the other work people that wanted to visit. so that way it wasnt one person visiting after the next. i also specified the times that i was happy to have visitors (late morning was our timing).

[UsPlus2]

Could you get your DH to tell people as they come in? you will have enough on your plate without having to deal with this kind of thing. Let him know what your wishes are and he can be the enforcer. Things like wash your hands -just get everyone to do it regardless of who is holding the baby. My SIL made anyone who was a smoker and wanted a cuddle to wear a towel over their front.

In regard to the breastfeeding, I would just announce when I was going to do it, and let everyone make their own mind up. GL

[~Stoked~]

I will definately be telling people of my rules for visiting after the birth next time. I had a homebirth (and a PPH, so i felt like crap!) last time and I had my MIL, SIL and BIL visit the very next day and they stayed for HOURS and my DH had to make them lunch and entertain them while they sat around the table drinking! I was furious! It was so rude! I was on strict instructions to stay in bed and be waited on hand and foot and instead my hubby had to entertain those idiots! So this time I'm telling them that I don't want ANY visitors for a few days and then only brief visits. I'm going to be select about who I allow to visit and when. I will send a text out when bub is born and say to please contact DH about visits after a certain day.. So people know I don't want drop-ins.
Maybe you could do something like that too. Some people are so selfish and will not think of you and put you first! Grrrrrrrr!

[TeniBear]

I'm hoping people will stay away from visiting us at home for that reason, Stoked. I hardly like having visitors there normally, I think I'd have a meltdown if people descended on us right after having a baby! My parents and brothers I think will be fine to come and go, especially since they're just next door, but anyone else I'll send away until I'm ready.

I considered just not telling people that baby's arrived until we're home, but there's no way I'd really be happy with that idea just to discourage visitors. The thing is, I'm okay with having visitors in the hospital, I just want them to play by my rules and respect that I might want things done a certain way. I get anxious when things that should be in my control aren't... Augh, it's really hard to explain it!

[Cherished]

Hi TeniBear to be honest if I got a written set of rules from anyone be it family or friends I don't think I'd bother visiting at all but that's just 'me' I'd wait until the baby was older and the parents weren't so (rightly so) precious. I think it could be a perfect time for you to assert yourself and make things clear verbally because if you don't put your foot down now there will be a lifetime of others telling you how things will be with 'your' kids kwim? We told our family that we would let them know when we were ready for visitors whether that be at the hospital or at home. We had no intention of having to deal with other people when we were bonding with our baby and trying to establish a routine. Besides there was no way of knowing what the birth would be like and if we would even be up for visitor. As it turns out I was in agony with every feed with really sensitive nipples, sleep deprived like nothing I've ever experienced and even if we had said people could visit in the hospital we would have had to call them and ask them not to come... All of this and our actual birth was fantastic let alone if it had of been a marathon labor or something. I guess my point is just to say what you want. For us when people say they want a hold and they aren't sitting down we say "sure the comfy seat's free sit down and I'll pass him to you" because we don't want people holding him whilst standing up. if someone isn't holding him right we'll say "he likes to be sitting up right while you support his upper back rather than lying down" whatever it is just tell them. And never be afraid to say it's not a good time if someone calls and wants to drop in. We didn't even commit to any visitors until the day! We'd say we'll let you know on the day it'll depend on what sort of night we've had. That may inconvenience some people as far as making plans goes but who cares? I'd rather them be inconvenienced than me when I've got a newborn baby to deal with. Hope I haven't sounded to harsh, I really just want to empower you

[Beatrix]

What cherished said. And also to add I wad all against no visitors etc but as soon as my girls arrived I couldn't wait to show them off.

Try and understand your family will just be excited about meeting the new addition. And well if they ignored you and didn't want to come and visit you would feel even worse and be thinking no one cared which is what your expecting them to do.

[Traveller]

I think it would be difficult, although not impossible, to welcome visitors in the hospital but not the home. For that reason perhaps when you announce the birth it could be with the footnote: We want to take some time to get to know our new baby and get comfortable with breastfeeding; for this reason we are asking you please not to visit us for the first two weeks. We appreciate your understanding. Obviously you can miss out the footnote if you do want that person to visit.

[MummaSue]

Hey, I was anxious about people holding DD when she was first born, so when we had visitors I fed her. People can't hold your baby when they are feeding A bit underhand of me but it was my way of coping without offending anyone xxx

[CrazyLady]

Are you having a private room by chance? If someone is feeding at the hospital I was at or didn't want to be disturbed, the midwives taped a sign to the door. It read something along the lines of "please see midwives before entering this room". They made visitors wait if someone was with the LC or if they were showering/having a nap etc and didn't want to be disturbed