DH/DP in labour...

[CharleyGirl]

The closer we get to our "big day", the more concerned I am about how my H will cope when I'm in labour. Besides the fact that he's going to struggle seeing me in pain, I'm worried that I'll get a bit... ah... abusive (?) 8-[ during transition and will say something awful (that I don't mean)!!

Did anyone say anything really awful during their labour and how did your husband/partner react?? Or are women not as bad as they make out??

Perhaps I should give him a disclaimer before I enter the birthing suite?! :-#

[Phteven]

I was worried that DH wouldn't be able to cope or that I would say something awful to him. As it turned out DH was wonderful, he was the best support person I could have asked for and I honestly can't imagine how I would have coped without him.
I didn't say anything horrible to DH or anyone else when I was in labour although there was a moment I was tempted to slap a midwife. If you don't want to say anything horrible then I doubt you will. One of my friends has a theory that being in labour is a bit like being drunk in that it can release inhibitions and loosen the tongue a bit. According to his theory the women who lose it at thier husbands in labour are those who have unexpressed resentment or negative feelings towards them already. I'm not sure how accurate this theory is but it does kind of make sense. I don't personally know anyone who abused thier partners in labour so I think that although it happens its not as common as we believe. I'm sure that if you do go off at him he'll forgive you because of the exenuating circumstances.
There is an article on the belly belly site here written for men about supporting your partner in labour. Maybe if you emailed it or printed it out for your DH he might find it useful and be better prepared for the delivery.

[BellyBelly]

CharleyGirl - Just an extra suggestion - but have you thought of hiring a professional support person, like a birth attendant or doula?

You may think this sounds awful, but apparently since the day men were introduced to birthing rooms, interventions and pain relief has increased - maybe from a combination of things but sometimes what the most experienced birth attendants find happening is that if the mother is in a panic or frightened, then her partner becomes frightened or panics and so the mother just wants out with no mental support or reassurance - so she opts for the pain relief or intervention. It's great having our partner there don't get me wrong, having our men there is great - what I am suggesting is an extra person to compliment that and to also support your partner. A birth attendant doesn't take over, she adds to the team, if you know what I mean?

It's harder to explain to first time mums how invaluable experienced support is, as they haven't been through labour before but it's most useful for first time mums but of course, very useful for subsequent births too. That first experience of birth leaves a lasting impression psychologically speaking. Having someone there telling you that you *CAN* do it and helping you ride those contractions is so important, as well as other things they can offer too. What you don't need is someone telling you 'Oh you poor thing... maybe just a little bit of xxx might help? Lets get rid of this pain...' or freaking out - that's assuming you are hoping for a normal, drug free birth

I can also recommend some private birth educators who better prepare couples for this rather than your standard hospital classes - let me know what state you are in and I can perhaps recommend someone. They are MUCH better than hospital classes.

It's important you feel safe and nurtured during birth for the best outcome for both you and baby. All the best for a wonderful birth

[BellyBelly]

I just wanted to add about the birth abuse thing LOL, as dachlostar said, you tend to become more loose lipped - you lose your manners in transition which is a great sign for those attending the birth - we know you must be close It's not for the whole birth, usually transition but most women I know are more along the lines of 'I can't do it' or 'I want to go home' or 'F***' - not so much dishing out abuse.

I know one woman who hit her partner and some who swear, some who cry - but you wont care when you are there, your body copes in it's own way and you'll just have to let your partner know that no matter what you do, don't take it personally!

When you give birth, your brain switches to the brain stem, which is the ancient brain which means you can internalise and rely on intuition - it's not the sharp, on the ball thinking brain we use everyday for problem solving. So your body just lets itself do it's job and you really wont care if you have no clothes on, if you swear or whatever you say.

I swore (at the pain) with Marisa as I was put on a drip after my water was broken and it was John standing there apologising to the midwives!!! I couldn't give a rats and even if I did, I was too internalised to say anything but release energy to cope - in my way which was swearing and crying LOL! But it was completely different with Elijah, but then I wasn't induced. I didn't say a bad word directed at John in either births.

[Antheia]

I was worried about this too and it turns out that while i was going through transition, i was passed out LOL So i didnt have a chance to say anything. Some to think of it, through my whole labor i don't think i even said one word. DF just sat by my side and he was great.

[christy]

My DH went to work in the labour suite. He was helping the midwives, walking me around holding me up and talking for me. He kept saying that I was amazing and thanking me for what I was doing.... I was telling him to get out of my face, but he kept encouraging me & was fantastic. He did however almost pass out when they were placing the epidural and I didn't even know but was taken out of the room for 5 minutes to sit down & drink juice (it had been something like 14 hours of labour & he hadn't eaten anything).... but he came back as good as gold, and even did really well during the c/s.

[Ambah]

I really could have benefitted from another person in there with me during the labour... MY DP had no idea what to do, and in the earlier stages of labour even caused me to get upset and cry about something totally unrelated...
But he was good during the pushing stages, and helped enourage me...

I think if I had a third support person there with me, who was knowledgeable about what to do, I would have been less likely to have the epidural...

[CharleyGirl]

Thanks everyone!! It makes sense now that H would understand that I don't really mean all the things I might say in labour... but it's just one of those things that's been running around in my mind at 3am most mornings! #-o

Kelly, I actually did think about getting a doula in, but my hospital will only allow 2 support people. H will DEFINITELY be there, and my mum might end up being in there for a lot of the time, too (although I haven't decided for how long or for what parts yet), so there's really no room for anyone else. I can see the benefit in having one there, but, at the same time, I'm already going to be uncomfortable enough, so having another stranger in the room probably won't do me much good.

I think H does realise that I may be a bit *ahem* abrupt during labour and he's probably prepared for that... but I still get worried he'll become all sensitive and sooky seeing me in pain!

I do like Shannon's suggestion, though.... if I'm going to say something, I'd better make it good 'cause I wouldn't get away with it any other time!!

[Debbie Lee]

I was worried about this too. Even though I didn't get to the transition phase, I did get to experience a few hours of labour. I swore when the midwives were out of the room but just said "Owwww owww owww" when they were in there. I didn't really direct anything towards Neil at all.
He coped really well though. I think it helped him that my Mum was there so that she could reassure him.

[BellyBelly]

at the same time, I'm already going to be uncomfortable enough, so having another stranger in the room probably won't do me much good.

I can understand your thoughts completely, I too was nervous baring my body and soul to yet another complete stranger with my first - even though when you're in labour that all goes out the window and you couldn't care less LOL!!! Doulas / Birth Attendants have packages which involve ante-natal and post natal appointments for this reason, they prefer that you do that than just ask them to be there for the birth only, so you can get to know them and feel comfortable - I hope that when I go out on my own next year after training finishes (two months to go!!) that people will be able to trust me and relax - I guess it's something that's key to the job.

I'm sure that whatever you decide, you'll have a wonderful birth and a beautiful bubs in your arms to boot All the best sweety!