First time Dad!! Advice for Blokes for the birthing process?
G'day..
I am a first time Dad (due early May).. and was wondering if there are any good pointers that people could give me ( and any other guys for that matter) as far as do's/donts and helpful advice for guys when it comes time for delivery when my DW goes into Hospital.. Im freaking out a little bit in that i only get one shot at this, and i want to make it as nice and pleasurable as possible ( i know im asking impossible) but i want to do what i can to make it more pleasurable for my DW..
Just one piece of advice from me that I wish my husband had followed:
Listen to your wife and do whatever she says. Even before the birth. When it comes to birthing, she calls the shots, not you. And tell the medical people who are telling her she "needs" to do something she doesn't want where to go: be on her side.
The only other advice would be "become psychic": my DH could have done with that one too, but I don't hold him responsible for that one at least!
Just be there for her and anything she needs, do it
I needed my DH close. He alternated between giving me drinks of water and washing my forehead with a face washer. The only time he left my side was to refill my glass or soak the washer.
But..... I was in labour in hospital for 7 hours, getting there at around 3am. He was so concerned about me, that he didn't have any food or drink himself since dinner the night before right through to after DD was born. I gave birth and shortly after went to shower, leaving DH with his new baby. He nearly passed out lol.
Before going in, make sure you know her birth plan, exactly what she does and doesn't want and why. During labour I couldn't/didn't want to talk, so it was up to my DH to make sure things went my way. If the midwife wanted to do something that I didn't, he was there to stop her.
Listen to her, and just do whatever she needs right then, no matter what. I just needed him close. He rubbed my back when I started groaning, he stopped when it got too much and I hit his hand away (be prepared for that, she may not be able to express what she wants with words but she's not angry at you!). Also be aware that in the moment, things change. I explicitly wanted no drugs, and if I asked I wanted him to tell me I didn't need them. When the time came, I went in to shock and lost control. The midwife asked if I'd like fentanyl and I said yes. DH stopped her, told me I was doing really well and asked if I was sure. I was sure, so he accepted the change of plans and went back to quietly holding my hand.
Ultimately I'd say your job is to listen (and yes, be a little psychic lol) and do what she needs at the time. Don't be surprised if what she needs isn't what you expected, but do it anyway.
It sounds like I'm telling you to be some kind of slave, but your wife will seriously appreciate it and it will make the whole experience better for everyone involved.
Something I know that my DH valued was getting a student midwife and she was great. She came to our house several times and talked with DH about the birth process and answered lots of questions. It was really helpful to prepare us both, but DH especially as he was very worried about the birth process. He would not read before hand though, so she was my only source of info for him. She was also great at the hospital to give him support especially when things went awry. She stayed with him and DS for over 7 hours as I was stuck in recovery and then needed further surgery.
I cant add to anything PP said but I HATED DH touching me during labour so don't assume she wants you to rub or hug her haha having said that it might be exactly what she wants. I agree being psychic is a good start and if she says no she means no! At the end of the day she won't hesitate in telling you what she wants just make sure she gets it if possible. Not many dads get it right because her needs may change numerous times and unfortunately your in the firing line, don't hold anything she says against her lol best of luck! Becoming a parent is positively the best thing ever!
Have you been to antenatal classes? DH & I attended them together & it was really great for both of us in terms of learning what to expect.
For my DS's birth, DH was wonderful. He did everything I asked, when I asked - held the shower nozzle in the right place, held my hand, got me drinks regularly as I didn't think of it myself so he just did it. He talked me through the contractions helping me breathe when I started to panic. He got the midwife to come when I asked. He didn't want to "catch" the baby but he did cut the cord.
For DD's birth, she came so quick, his only job was driving me to the hospital then the midwives took over. Be prepared that something like that may happen too and just be there.
Make mental notes during the birth so you can tell her afterwards what happened as there's a good chance she'll forget.
Support her birth choices as much as possible & be encouraging. I would say you would do that anyway given that you've taken the time to ask advice.
Let her yell at you and swear and do whatever she has to do to get though labour. You know it's not personal and she doesn't mean it, so just encourage her through it!
I loved knowing that I could snap at my DH in the heat of the moment, and he'd take it, because it was the stress/pain talking. Generally as soon as a contraction passed I was busy apologising.
My biggest thing with DH was him listening to all the bizarre old world advice his dad and grandma kept telling him rather than just trusting his i or my instincts as to what was right for us and our family. So trust yours and your partners instincts. Good luck!
If she has the gas for pain relief, and hands you the tube briefly to readjust herself... GIVE IT BACK TO HER Don't assume she wants a hug if she reaches out for it/you
Don't fall asleep while she's moaning and groaning, even if it's really late. It doesn't matter if she doesn't really need your help, don't do it unless you ask her permission!
I agree with previous posts - this is a process that can be really scary and overwhelming for your wife - so treating her like she is in charge and her needs matter more than anything else will help her feel more supported through the birth. Listening and accepting what she says no matter what it is will make a huge difference!
Having my Mum in the room with us at DDs birth made a huge difference because she was using her 'psychic' mothering instincts with me (getting me water, bits of food, talking when I needed to and shutting up when I needed quiet) - while my now ex was more interested in the machines and stuff to help much at all - I was grateful that he was there though, he just wasn't focused on helping me.
Like several of the PP's, I didn't want to be touched. It might well be a very emotional time for my DH when the baby is almost here, but for me it was intense and painful and I felt hot and sweaty. The last thing I wanted was my DH hugging me and rubbing me. I needed to focus and I did that by internalising. Physical contact felt like a distraction. I did want DH to put lip balm on my dry lips and occasionally wipe my forehead with a cool washer to keep the hair out of my eyes. But I wanted it done with minimal fuss! And I wanted to squeeze his hand during the pushing. Remove your wedding ring if you wear one; when I gave birth to DD1 I squeezed DH's hand so hard that his ring cut into his palm to the point of bleeding. He learnt from the first time and removed his ring for the births of our next two children! I wanted him to murmur words of encouragement: 'you're amazing', 'you're doing such a good job'... that kind of thing. But I did not want to hold a conversation. And if I asked for something, it was generally grunted and in one word ie. 'water' translates to 'excuse me darling, could I please have a sip of water and could you please hold the glass and the straw for me? Thank you, might sweet love'.
Once the baby is delivered I wanted DH to fawn over both of us. After delivery, I wanted all the kisses and love which irritated me during labour. Continue with the murmuring of comments about how amazing your DW is!
I expected DH to translate my grunts to the MW's and to ALWAYS back me up in my wants and needs.
As a PP said, if you could develop your psychic abilities before the birth that would be handy! If not, just watch your DW and follow her cues.
And after delivery, remember that the minute details of the birth - such as tearing, pooing, mooing like a cow - are your DW's details to choose to share, or not! Don't be telling visitor's or your mates about how when your DW started pushing she pooed on the MW's feet. Some daddy's seem to forget that their partner would like to maintain their dignity after having a baby. What happens in the delivery suite stays in the delivery suite, unless your DW chooses to share! (Kinda like Vegas... without the pretty lights)
From my experience, just do whatever she wants you to do. Yes make sure you know her birth plan. My DP knew i didn't want any drugs and only wanted pain relief if it was absolutely necessary so when it came to being asked he spoke for me, if they pressed he basically told them to rack off. Reassure her that she is doing well, lots of encouragement does wonders. She may not want to be touched as i didn't want to be but having him by my side was wonderful. He also fed me water and wiped my forehead down which was great but your DW may not want that but it can't hurt to try.
Also when your DW is in the middle of pushing DON'T ask if she wants her hair out, my poor DP didn't know what to do or ask and he asked that and sure enough he got some very harsh words thrown at him! we still joke about it now.
1. Stay Calm - it's easy to get swept up in the excitement and worry but what she needs is for you to keep a level head, reassure her all will be ok and just do what you need to do.
2. Ask questions now - talk about how she wants to birth, what kind of music she might like played, what her expectations are, any fears she may have - tell her if anything is worrying you - yes it's HER birthing the baby but your entitled to querstions & answers as much as she is, going into it TOGETHER is the best thing you can do.
3. On the day LISTEN to her, she may have a well thought out birth plan but that can often go out the window, if she starts screaming give me the epi and you know thats not what she wanted then talk to her ask if she really wants it and go from there, don't just say "well you didn't want it in your birth plan so your not getting it".
Personally i don't think it's just a mum who goes through the birthing process, men have quite a high emotional price to pay so while you can now prepapre yourself, talk things through and just be there for her.
I was an 'internal labourer' - i hardly made a noise so it annoyed me when DH kept asking me how i was. Lol so i would say don't do that except for maybe once or twice.
but i held my hubby's hand the entire time. So don't leave unless you have too
and if your wife is passionate about her birth plan....make sure it gets followed.
As some posters have touched on, what your DW feels like will be different at different times, so I think going into it with a willingness to be flexible and adaptable roll with the punches (hopefully not literally punches!) will take you far. And don't worry, you will be told when you are doing something that is not helping
Becoming aware of your DW non-verbal communication during labour will also help. As other have suggested she may not always be able to verbalise her needs so be aware of the more subtle things going on with her.
I guess the other thing is that for you, seeing her go through such a massive experience (which involves a lot of pain) can be really difficult, and I think it takes a particular type of strength to watch it all unfolding and not freak out yourself. But she needs to be in a happy place where she is not worried about how you are coping but focused on getting your little one out. So I guess I'm saying is keep in mind that you don't want to appear too freaked out and not able to support her. You may not always feel like you are able to be her pillar of strength (which is totally understandable), but if you are feeling like things are a bit hard to handle perhaps try and have a quiet word with a midwife or a family member and not project that freak out onto your DW. If you are calm it will help her be calm, even if your calm is a bit of fake it until you make it
Good luck! And good on you for seeking this information to help your DW, she is a lucky gal
I think the PP's have given you some great advice.
I think being a great birthing partner is about a whole lot more than just what happens on the day. It's also about preparing for the big day together. I'm not sure how much research your DW is doing to prepare herself... I know for me, I did a lot of reading and my DH happily read what I read and we put together 'our' birth plan together. It was as much his as it was mine. Yes I was the one who was going to be labouring, but it was about the birth of 'our' baby. We discussed the different area's at length and really went into the experience with a shared mind set if that makes sense.
If you are interested in a great book for you both to read that will help you both prep for the big day and give you a real idea of what to expect, New Active Birth is fantastic. Before reading it, all I knew was the hollywoodisation of birth - waters break, then you're in hospital on your back screaming while you push. This takes you through the entire process, educates you about pain relief options and most importantly positions for labouring in (if you ask me it's essential for your birth partner to be familiar with the positions, because when you're in the moment you may forget).
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First time Dad!! Advice for Blokes for the birthing process?
Don't assume she wants a hug if she reaches out for it/you
Some daddy's seem to forget that their partner would like to maintain their dignity after having a baby. What happens in the delivery suite stays in the delivery suite, unless your DW chooses to share! (Kinda like Vegas... without the pretty lights)
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