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Thread: How to tell friend to butt out?

  1. #1
    Percy Guest

    Default How to tell friend to butt out?

    OK I'm in NZ where you can either have an independent midwife look after you during your pregnancy an dbe with you at the birth and look after your after birth care. If you go this route, the government pays for the lot - no outlay on my part.

    The other option is to go with a private obstetrician. I'm not keen on this option for a couple of reasons. One is the cost, its like $4000 and I know loads of other things I'd rather spend the money on! And the second is that from what I've read (and please correct me if I'm wrong) most obs won't let you have an active birth which is what I want.



    Now my issue is with my friend who is the only other mother I know in NZ who hasn't had to have an obs for medical reasons. (my SIL had to have obs due to her health issues - so thats fine. If I do have an issue, then I'll go to on obs and pay the money. No problems with that at all.) She is very pro-cesear, pro-bottle feeding etc etc. She has already been going on at me to call her obs and book in and see her and have th whole thing with her obs too.

    I'd so much rather just go with a midwife who encourages an active birth, in a birthing centre where I can have a water birth, rather then in a hospital where I can't!

    Any ideas how i can say "butt out, this is my birth and althought I appreaciate your friendship, this is my baby and I want to give birth the way I want to give birth!" I mean I've had two years to think about the type of birth I want so I've done loads of research etc.

    Argh! She is just a pain!!

  2. #2
    cazoraz Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by Percy
    Any ideas how i can say "butt out, this is my birth and althought I appreaciate your friendship, this is my baby and I want to give birth the way I want to give birth!" I mean I've had two years to think about the type of birth I want so I've done loads of research etc.
    i think your own sentence there should be enough really. Unfortunately everyone thinks you want their advice and will relive all their own experiences and horror stories to you, but in the end every single birth & delivery is different and it is completely up to you how you want to go about it. Maybe just try to explain to her you are really looking forward to trying for a natural birth with midwives only but thanks anyway for the advice and support?

    btw, the midwife option sound great, I just had my second baby (well a year ago now :eek: ) through a birthing centre with midwives only and it was fantastic! good luck, you can do it!

    xxxCaz

  3. #3

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    What an awkward situation Percy.

    You could try saying this to her;

    "XXX, thank you very much for your advice, but I have done a lot of research into the choices I have available to me and i choose to follow this path"

    Maybe she is at you like this because she is a little bit jealous? Did she have a c/s and then FF? Or maybe it is because she didn't do the research you have and just doesn't know there are other excellent choices to be had?

    Either way, good luck Percy.

  4. #4
    Percy Guest

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    Thanks for that Caz. I should add I kinda need her help as I was talking to a friend of her's at a party recently and she was raving about their fabulous midwife - and I really want to get her contact details but can't becuase I don't her friend at all - just met her at the party and don't have her phone number or anything.

    My friend says I don't need the midwife details becuase I have her obs details!!!

    Sorry my preggo brain forgot that bit!!!

  5. #5
    Percy Guest

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    Thanks Sheri - no her first was an elective ceaser not forced upon her so I don't think she has any regrets. I just think she doesn't understand that what i want is different from what she wants.

    Maybe I should just tell her what I said. It would make life easier if I could!!!

  6. #6

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    I am sure she would understand - she might get a little miffed at first, but surely she will appreciate that you want a different birth to her is all. You could tell her too that you will keep her Obs details in case you ever need them - that might be the happy medium

  7. #7

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    OMG, Are you sure your in NZ & not Melbourne!!! Sounds like the same friend I have/had!!!
    Only mine has never actually ever had a baby & doesnt know anything at all, but still told me my name choices were wrong & she'd come over & go through a Baby names book with me & she'd be the one I should let know when I am heading to hospital, etc, etc so she could let others know!!!
    Til I eventually told her one day exactly how I felt!

    I told her this baby is mine & mine only (no dp at the time)...
    I told her I had chosen names I liked & wasnt going to listen or discuss it with anyone, least of all her as this baby is MINE & had I hvae wanted an opinion on names, birthing, or anything at all I would have asked & as I hadnt it means I dont want now or ever her advice or opinion on my baby!
    It did get really nasty as she had terminated a oregnancy at the age of 21 to her long time on & off partner (they are still on & off 14+yrs since starting to see each other)..
    She started trying to mkae me feel bad for being pregnant & wanting my baby & her decision for terminating, that she started having a go at me for it!
    So I told her she had made her decision & I was making mine ALONE & I really had nothing more to discuss with her EVER!

    We did not have contact at all til Maddy was 5! We caught up & I regret letting her back into my life, she is a possesive, self centred cow... She is a person that you would not trust with your DH (although I 100% trust my DH), but she if drunk would want what I have so would bust a move!

    Ok well enough about my acquaintance!

    I definately think you need to tell her you have made your decisions along with DP/DH & appreciate her words, but you've already got it under control.....
    Then just smile & refuse to discuss it anymote changing the subject everytime she asks a q!

    Best of luck, but if she is like my friend, DITCH HER NOW!!!!! hee hee!

  8. #8
    Percy Guest

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    Oh gosh Tracey! No my friend is not like that at all!!! Just a little too pro-ceaser for my liking! She is pregnant with number two due in November so hopefully she will either be too tired or too busy to worry about me and my choices!

    You guys are right. I need to be straight with her and tell her that I want to do this my way - the idea of keeping the obs detilas just in case is a very good one. I'll use that line.

    Thanks all.

  9. #9

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    aw Percy *hugs* I have friends who are very pro-c/s and bottlefeeding & I find it hard too. I often have had to say "If that is the way you want to do it, fine with me, but I have chosen a different way according to what I have read & decisions I have made" & I usually leave it at that. As for getting the midwives details, do you remember where the party was? Can you drop a note in the letter box asking for them? I have had people ask me for the doula's number that I was in contact with and they are complete strangers, I am very happy to pass on details Too bad I'm in QLD

  10. #10

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    Sorry to hear you've got friend difficulties atm. I've only one thing to add to the ladies' advice above.... perhaps tell her that you're grateful for her friendship, and since she has BTDT tell her you'll probably have some questions for her as you go along. Explain your birth choice/plan, and you could even go so far as to say if, medically, you do need to progress down the path of a C/S she'll be first on your list to call for recovery tips etc.

    She may just be *very* excited for you and in her excitement is forcing, what she believes, is an ideal approach on you. It sounds like she really enjoyed her whole pregnancy/birth experience with the OB and wants you to live the same dream, so to speak. I think she probably just doesn't *get* how keen you are on going with a midwife and vaginal birth.

    But don't sit on it if it's becoming the pimple on the butt of your relationship. If she's a good friend, work it out before it starts to fester.

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