1) This is very hard. I understand where your sister is coming from, less the rest of your family. They are greiving the loss of a grandson and that never goes away. I don't know if you've tried writing to them, explaining you'd never deliberatley hurt anyone and you hope that they can welcome the new addition to the family, boy or girl. It may well be they never do and then I think you need to work through that at the time. It's hard I know, but try not to assume they'll stay negative. They may not. you know your family best - do they hold grudges?
It's not your baby's fault the timing hurts other member of the family. They need to know that. Meanwhile, can you surround yourself with friends who are excited for you, plan a blessingway, plan diplomatic baby announcements. Who will tell your sister and when, for example?
You need to work through the what ifs? What if your family dont accept the baby? What if he is a boy? He will still be loved, he will still be wanted, he will still be a precious gift. Obviously, avoid like a plague a name that resembles his deceased cousin. I wouldnt do that to a child anyway. I suppose I'm saying plan for the worst, hope for the best.
2) Have a talk to baby and tell him/her they need to come 6 December, because that's the best date to be born on anyway Like the point above, feel the fear and do it anyway. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Work it through so that you don't feel this issue affects your labour or your ability to bond with baby. It's completely understandable to have an aversion to that date, but as you can't control for it, process it so you can come to some peace with it. Either baby will come on another day, or s/he will rewrite what that date means to you.
I understand these things are playing on your mind. Can you try to find the a way to the positive instead of being stuck on the negative? You're preparing to welcome a new bundle. That's a wonderful miracle all in itself. I hope the joy of that can outweigh the sadness of the other circumstances.
I can read from your post hiw much these two issues are affecting you.
I don't really know what to advise, other than to second what Tashybabe said.
Have your family had a chance to debrief and/or have counselling in regards to your nephew's stillbirth? From what you wrote, it sounds like they are still grieving and any baby (yours or anyone else's) reminds them of their loss. This is not your or your baby's fault or your problem. They need to make peace with their own feelings about what happened. How close are you with your sister and your family? Would they be willing to try some counselling with you?
Re you SIL - I've read your previous posts about here and she sounds horrid. What do the rest of her/your DH's family think of her treatment of you? If they allow it and don't see a problem, then perhaps you need to distance yourself from them all.
A lot easier said than done, but please don't let others dump their issues on you or make them yours. Neither of the things you wrote about are your issues, as you have no control over what others think or do. I'm sure that no matter what happens you will have a wonderful birth experience and you and your baby will be surrounded by love and positivity.
no advice, just wanted to offer lots of 's
My sister was pressured into a termination 3 years before my DD1 was born but had been TTC for a year (i didn't know this) so she didn't speak to me my whole pregnancy and after birth. She made contact when DD1 was 6.5 months old. Never held her or ever really acknowledged her until she had her DS a year later... It's not the same i know but it hurt.
I think Tashybabe's advice about your sister and family is better than anything I could offer you lovely. I can only give you a and hope that when your beautiful baby is born, their hearts will soften.
As for the birthday you I'm sure don't remember that when I was pregnant with Iz I was incredibly anxious the whole way through that she was NOT born on 2 May - the first anniversary of my last loss before her conception. I was induced on the morning of the 1st and the little minx got the super glue out and flat out refused to come out until the 2nd! I spent the entire night before her birth in such a state that the midwives wanted to sedate me. Poor R was beside himself not knowing what to do about me. Her birthday is now a constant reminder for me that while there is sadness and pain in my little world, there is also the unbelievable joy and innocence of a beautiful child. I know its not quite the same thing but . . . You obviously KNOW its the witch's birthday and she's had such a huge impact on your life that its not like you'll not give her a thought on the day, and no doubt suffer all the turmoil that comes with thinking of such a person. Maybe if this little person comes on the same day you will have the pure goodness of your newborn to give you a smile that day and fill your heart with love, all while not giving you a minute to think about your SIL.
Last edited by LuluHB; September 13th, 2011 at 01:29 AM.
this is hard and I hope writing it out helps
Like the point above, feel the fear and do it anyway. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Work it through so that you don't feel this issue affects your labour or your ability to bond with baby. It's completely understandable to have an aversion to that date, but as you can't control for it, process it so you can come to some peace with it. Either baby will come on another day, or s/he will rewrite what that date means to you.
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