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Thread: No partner/husband during labour - Im scared

  1. #1

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    Unhappy No partner/husband during labour - Im scared

    Hello there



    Im not sure if I am posting this in the right forum?

    I was just wondering if there are any women out there who have given birth without their partner/husband with them?
    My DH is planning to go to the mines before the baby is born and I am petrified and I mean PETRIFIED of going through labour without him. He will be taking a month off, 2 weeks before my due date and 2 weeks after. But I needed to explain to him last night that babies don’t always come on time.

    I don’t know if I can do it by myself without him by my side, although my mum will be with me (only if he isnt there). And I don’t know if I can forgive him if he isn’t there. How can you miss your son or daughters birth? How can you not be there for your partner?

    * Two work colleagues just walked in on my bawling my eyes out typing this, how embarrassing!
    Last edited by reneenay; April 17th, 2007 at 01:00 PM.

  2. #2

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    Thats a hard one babes.... i only had my DH with me. No one else. All my family was over 9 hours away so he had no choice to be there, and he woukdnt have had it any other way. He was scared too....mighty scared, but he managed fine....

    I just hope your bub comes on or close to time if he is planning the month off. My fingers are crossed for you.

  3. #3
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

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    Oh hun, you understandably terrified. Do you have no family or really super dooper close friends that could go in with you? Maybe you could look at hiring your own midwife or doula that could go in with you? You've still got time to build up a rapport with a midwife or doula, maybe you could talk to your DH about doing something like that if you can afford to.

  4. #4

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    My mum who is my best friend in the entire world will be there with me if Dwayne cant get back from the mines in time.
    Apart from being terrified of having our baby without him there, I am worried that I am going to be bitter at him for missing the birth. Im not sure I could forget something like that.
    A Doula sounds like a fantastic idea, I am going to talk to DH about it tonight. I have been thinking about hiring a midwife/doula for some time now but I thought I was too far along.

  5. #5
    Tigergirl1980 Guest

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    Oh well that is wonderful that you will have your mum there As for feeling bitter, do you really think you will? I mean he is going to work, it's not like he's planning a fishing trip or anything, IYKWIM? It's totally possible that whilst he is having time off that you will go into labour and have the baby before he heads off. Maybe just before he is due to have his first 2 weeks off you could look at doing some natural induction methods that will hopefully kick in whilst he's off.

    I don't think you're too far along to get a midwife or doula in, all you can do is enquire right? But you might want to do it asap so you've got as long as possible to build up a good relationship with them so you feel comfortable

  6. #6

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    Yep, I can sympathize with your fear, for sure! I would hate to have my DH away during birth! But just to encourage you, you WILL be able to do it either way. You'll be OK, hun! And I'll bet your DH will feel worse than you if he misses his baby's birth. And, if he is taking a month off, right around the due date, your chances are REALLY good that he will be there, and be able to spend some time with you and your new little person. As the PP mentioned - look into some natural labour "stimulants" to try from a few weeks before your due date. There is an article on that somewhere on this site - I'm sure you'll find it, or else some wonderful mod will post you a link. All the best!

  7. #7
    sjc Guest

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    You poor thing. I can completely understand your fears, of both labouring and birthing without your DH, and also how you might feel about him after the eveny should he miss it. I think the idea of a doula is a great one. And I also strongly recommend you talk with your husband about this amd just let him know how you're feeling. You don't necessarily need to make any demands (unless of course you want to! That entirely up to you), just explain how you feel and that you're anxious about the birth, and your subsequent feelings. You may find just getting it off your chest and being reassured that your husband understands your concerns, even if he can't change anything, might make you feel better.

    As another person said, he is going back to work, it's not like he's heading out with the boys, so maybe thinking of it like this will help? After all, he is taking a month off as it is, and perhaps he's worried about how you'll cope financially if he takes anymore time off (which is an understandable worry, and at the very least shows he takes supporting you and the baby financially seriously!).

    That 4 week window is probably as safe as you can be, and hopefully the baby will come out easily during that time Being anxious won't help things, so have a nice, long chat with your husband, and check out doula options (there's a few links and lists on this forum and in the articles). Maybe also chat with your midwives and/or OBGYN to let them know your situation so they are aware, as they may have some suggestions.

    Good luck, and sending you lots of positive labour vibes for your 4 week window! xxxx

  8. #8
    pebbles2820 Guest

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    My X chose not to be at the birth of any of our BB's, Of course I wasn't happy about it but I had my Mum, who is also my BF. Your DH isn't choosing not to be there he is being realistic about having to work to pay the bills, I'm sure he would prefer to be with you at such an important timeand has made provision for it to happen to as much extent as he can. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that baby doesn't want to great the world to early. Try to stop stressing, not good for your blood pressure, believe me I know. :hugs:

  9. #9

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    One of my girlfriends had her bub 3 weeks ago, first baby, and her DH was away at work. He works on the oil riggs off WA, and he chose to be away for the birth, for the money. She was not happy about it, but had her parents by her side the whole time. She felt she had an awful labour/birth experience because she was stressing so much that DH wasn't there with her. So try not to stress too much like the others have said.

  10. #10
    CatherineL Guest

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    Renee - I am in totally the same position as you.. Daniel owns his own company in the underground coal mining industry, which is actually 13 hours away from where we live! He works a 5 days on 5 days off roster and comes home every 5 days. He too is going to take off 4 shifts which works out to be 6weeks, but at the same time i had to explain to him that the baby may not come on her EDD and she may come much earlier than everyone expects! I know that if something does happen and he can't get here in time that it isn't his fault as these things are out of our control - although i too am very scared as i don't have any family or friends here and am petrified at the thought of doing it all by myself.

    i'm not sure how you feel about it, but perhaps you could video tape the birth so he can still witness it iykwim? i know it's nothing like first hand experience, but it's better than nothing and him being absolutely clueless about his son/daughter's birth!

    How far away is the mine he going to be working? If it's only a few hours, it might not be so bad because you can just call him up at the first sign of labour, and although he might not be there for the initial stages of labour (depending how quick your labour is) atleast he might be there for when your special little package arrives into the world!

  11. #11

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    Oh Renee, you poor thing!!!! Try noto to stress too much about this, altho I totally understand how you must be feeling. At least he has the 4 weeks off, and the likelihood would be high that he will be there... Given that most 1st time babies are born a little late (I think???) maybe he would be better to plan 1 week before due date and 3 after??? although who knows when little Rory will make an appearance?? I think a Doula is a great idea, and if you hired her now she could also meet Dwayne and build abond there so it is more like he is with you?? Gosh I dont know how you must be feeling, I would be lost and I would also be worried about being resentful if DH missed the birth. I know it is for good reasons but I understand why you worry about that. At least your Mum will be there... I am sure he also feels awful about it, I am sure you have spoken about it but perhaps another discussion and the Doula hiring process would help. It would be nice if he prepares some letters or something for you to read at the various stages (early) and leaves them with your mum too maybe - then it is morelike he is with you.

  12. #12

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    Renee, I wouldn't worry too much sweetie, if he's taking two weeks off before your due date, and two weeks after, he'll be there. I don't know of any ob or hospital that would let you go 14 days over your due date without planning to induce you unless you didn't want to be induced- the max I've heard is 14 days, so you could always ask to be induced on the 12th or 13th if it's getting that close to him going back, if that's what you wanted.

    I really don't think he's going to miss it hun, you'll be fine!

  13. #13

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    I can relate to this - my DH was working away last year when I was pg with Matilda, but we just planned it the same way you have - he would take 2 weeks off before and 2 weeks off after the due date. He ended up getting a new job before my due date anyway and he was working at home again so it wasn't an issue. But TBH I was not worried about him being away for the birth - because 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after really is plenty of time, I knew he would be here.

    Renee - try not to stress about it hun. It really is highly unlikely that you will go into labour more than 2 weeks before your due date, what is more likely is that you will go overdue, but with DH being there 2 weeks after you are due you have all your bases covered.

    Personally I would be more concerned about DH not being there in the first few weeks of bubbas life - the first weeks with a newborn can be hard, so make sure you have plenty of help and support to help you through.

  14. #14

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    Bon - Thats what my mum has been telling me too. I keep reassuring her that I will be fine by myself with Rory after he is born. I have alot of family and friends who would be straight around as soon as I pick up the phone. But like you said it will be hard and I hope I have prepared myself on how hard it can be by myself. I guess ill only find out when I get there...

    Edit: DH das his interview on the 23rd May
    Last edited by reneenay; May 4th, 2007 at 05:57 PM.

  15. #15

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    I think it is wonderful your husband can take a whole 4 weeks off, and time it to be the 2 weeks before the due date and the two weeks after that. I don't know anyone else who has done that or been able to do that.

    I know it is hard to think of the possibility that he won't be there, but chances are he will be there for the birth. But it is a good idea to be prepared for the alternative - and it sounds like that's what you are doing.

    My husband won't really be able to take any time off from work at all as he runs his own small business - he doesn't go to work, then the whole business is closed and no money comes in. Chances are I'll go into labour when he's at work and he won't be able to get away for several hours, so I'll have to do early labour on my own. He will be able to move some work stuff around, but basically as soon as baby is out, he'll have to rebook things and get straight back to work. And I'll be an hour's drive away in hospital. I'd love it if he took a month off work around my due date but we can't do it. In fact, the business has even accepted some extra work in the 3 weeks before and 2 weeks after my due date - and he asked me what I thought and I said the business needed to do it.

    I know my situation is very different to yours but I think both you and your husband have really tried hard to ensure things go to plan, and if not, then you have an alternative plan which sounds really nice too.

  16. #16

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    Hi Renee,
    My heart goes out to you. I really hope it all works out so that he can be there. I know what you mean about being worried that you might feel resentful if he does miss the birth, and worried how that could impact your relationship. Maybe when the time is right you could talk to him about that? If he knew how much you would like him to be there, and you could hear him talk about other ways that he wants to put you and your relationship together as his highest priority, you both might feel better. Relationships are so tricky, aren't they? I also would suggest a doula, because even if he can be there, (and I hope that works out), a doula would be a great addition to your birth support team ,especially as it's your first - with your mum, your husband and a doula as well you'd have top support. A doula is also an angel with skin on to have around in the first days and weeks after the baby is born, they really help make the transition to motherhood smoother. You deserve top support, every mother does. I know Perth has some fantastic doulas, and often student doulas will attend births only charging a nominal fee for petrol etc.

  17. #17

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    HI ladies I just wanted to let you know that DH has decided not to work away. I am over the moon and im very proud of myself for not pushing him into that decision. DH knew the way I felt and made the choice on his own. SO I will be having my DH by my side in hospital. Thank you all so much for your help

  18. #18

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    that's great news Renee.

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