Preparing your Little One for the Birth of their sibling
DS is 3 - his little sister is due in July and we have been preparing him for her arrival, by pretty much being honest and upfront with him (obviously age appropriate for him), but I am starting to feel a little emotional about it all and have noticed him getting quite clingy to me - is this normal?
We've told him that we will have a new family member to love and to love all of us, and 'Little Sister' will come and live with us, he's helped us set up her nursery, and willingly handed over many of the baby items he remembers for his little sister - we've always asked him if he'd like to give it to his sister, rather than telling him to, and that Mummy and Daddy will be going into hospital to deliver the baby and he will stay with Nan for one night (then just with Daddy for another night or so) then Mummy will come home with the baby, but he will be with us during the day as much as possible.
He seems ok with it all, but tonight we were at my Mum's (Nan's) and he kept asking to go home, and said that he didn't want to stay there and wanted "Mummy, Daddy and Bailey to stay altogether" so I can see he is a little anxious about it all.
I plan to use the early discharge option or Hospital outreach program (you get transferred to a swish hotel with midwife 24/7 and other children can then stay with you) - all going well of course so we are apart as little as possible. I also plan that DH will bring DS in as soon as practical after birth so he will be the first one to see his sister, the grandparents have been told to wait until DS (and us) are settled and we give them the green light)
What other idea's can you share when you had #2? I am starting to feel a little sad that it wont be just me and DS anymore. Obviously I am totally excited and thrilled and can't wait for DD to arrive, but it ends life as we currently know it - ITMS? I want this to impact DS as little as possible, but I am realistic in the fact that its massive. DH is wonderful and I know he will be awesome in helping with DD and also ensuring DS is feeling the love. DH plans to take DS shopping to buy a special present for DD when she arrives. We also plan to have something special for DS to mark the occasion as well, however its more the time and availability of us that concerns me.
Help! I'm starting to feel a sadness and I don't want DS to pick up on it. My little man is so intuitive, thoughtful and senstive and I really want him to feel as secure and loved as possible. Hope I don't sounds like a raving looney!
we got a couple of books for DS1 ("my new baby", "spot's little sister" etc) and would read them all together ...
lots of kisses and cuddles for "baby" while in mummy's tummy ...
lots of age appropriate explanations ...
DS1 and DS2 "exchanged" gifts at the hospital. If DS1 was older, we would have got him to pick out a prezzie for his new brother
lots of books to read to DS1 while I feed DS1, so we can all sit together on the couch, so he doesn't feel excluded ... I actually have a little kiddie's Ikea table set up next to me with stuff on it, so I sit longways on the couch, DS2 is propped up with pillows, and DS1 sits between my legs and the back of the couch, so he can "help" and cuddle DS2 during feeds, etc.
we also got a special box with new things (playdoh, a car, a little soft toy, etc) which is *only* for feeding times, so if he doesn't want to sit with us, he has his own very special things to do at that time ...
keeping some things the same - 1-on-1 baths, etc, lots of cuddles and skin to skin time, etc.
and lots of time making sure that he gets 1-on-1 time with each of me and DH, so he doesn't feel like he's been ousted at all.
What you are feeling is totally normal! I think most mums worr that they are changing the dynamic and worry how their older child will cope, I know I did! It is also totally normal for him to be clingy! They can sense things are changing and they know a baby is coming but for them there is such a big unknown as to what it actually means for them. So I think that makes them a bit anxious.
We took dd1 to all our ob appointments, read lots of books, visited other babies etc but she was still clingy (there is 3 years between the girls). She also acted out a bit after the birth but after a week or 2 she settled down. She loves her sister so much that any anxiety I had has long gone.
After dd2 arrived I made sure dd1 got attention and gifts from dd2 in hospital. I also made sure that dp took dd2 and I spent 1 on 1 time with dd1 even just to go for a walk or a hot chocolate.
that all sounds completely normal - i felt exactly the same way. my DS was 2yrs 9mo when DD was born & is a sensitive, emotional little person. we tried lots of different things to prepare him but ultimately nothing could totally prepare him. it didn't help that DS, DP & i all came down with gastro the day before i went into labour so DS wasn't 100% & i wasn't able to be there for him. i felt a sense of grief over the change in my relationship with DS after DD was born. i also felt the same way about my relationship with DP after DS was born so i figure it's all just part of adjusting the the big change to your life. in the first week or two we had some big tantrums from DS, which i expected (but didn't make it any easier when trying to look after a NB as well!) but these have eased off now (DD is 6 weeks). we still get tantrums but that is his personality & the age. we've worked hard at making time for DS & i've taken him out a few times by himself to try & keep a balance. for example, DS & i used to go & visit my parents a couple of times a week so a couple of times i've taken him by himself & left DD with DP.
there are a couple of other things but DD is crying so i'll be back later
Sorry, have to be quick (juggling two kids LOL). For us the hardest thing for DS was me being in hospital and then not being able to carry him afterwards (I had a CS). I'd never had a night away from DS, so a few weeks before DS2 was due I went for a pampering weekend by myself so it wouldn't be first time I had a night away. I think you're doing all the right things to prepare him and that's all you can do. Being up front about what will happen and how life will change is important, but it will still hit him hard when bubs arrives. Peanutters suggestion of the books is a great one. We're still reading the 'im a big brother' one now. Gifts are also good. DS1 picked one out for DS2 the weekend before he was born and still uses it to try and engage with him.
In our case, DS1 is absolutely smitten with DS2 and hasn't shown any animosity towards him at all. But he was pretty angry with me in the first few weeks. I think this was because I was away for 4 nights and then because I couldn't carry him. When I started picking him up again, things improved dramatically. He still gets grumpy with me when I can't give him as much attention as he would like, but each week it gets better and better.
We're 6 weeks in and DS1 is still adjusting. I think it just takes time, but I'm confident we'll get there. At the moment the biggest thing he's grappling with is learning to wait. We are having a few meltdowns, but like Sloane said I think that comes with the age anyway, it's just a little exasperated by DS2's arrival.
To be honest, I didn't do as much as I'd hoped or planned but it turned out such a non-issue! We didn't even end up reading any books about it but did include baby talk into the everyday. DD1 is even asking for another already, she loves having a sister.
What probably helped was DD1 had spent nights away from me many times before (with her dad, as we were not together and my parents) so she was super excited to spend the day and night with Grandma who was also keen on her day off work!! We went home the next day but DD1 asked to stay with Grandma and Poppa another night - I was heartbroken but it was probably good having the first night with DD2 home to settle. The other thing was DD1 was(is) still breastfed so we still had our quiet one on one time each night (still fed to sleep).
DD1 was 2yrs 9months, had just started sleeping through and we even moved her into her own room (after having shared with me(us) her whole life) a week after DD2 arrived when we moved house... still wasn't the least phased. She has never shown jealousy in the slightest, occasionally is frustrated that the baby has to sleep so much so can't 'play' but always really patient with breastfeeding or settling, she knows it's how DD2 grows so is very encouraging lol.
I would try to relax and be positive in an honest and realistic ways. It is a big change for everyone but that doesn't mean it will be negative or extremely difficult, siblings are great
Ive tried to involve them all in the nursery, picking of the pram, car seats, ultrasounds etc DD1 is 9 (she will 10 when bub is here) and she is not interested in helping with anything and refuses to come to any of the ultrasounds so im a little worried there.
DD2 is 7 and is over the moon and loves the ultrasounds and helping in the planning!
Ds is 3 and i try and talk to him as much as possible about it, we talk about the baby in my tummy, he came to the 12wk ultrasound and loved seeing the baby on the "TV", its difficult for him to comprehend though!
We've had lots of chats along the way about our new baby coming, and slowly I've been adding things to those discussion like no, you can't run up and down the hallway screaming like banshees when the baby comes!!
Both my girls have chosen toys for the baby - each of them chose a soft toy. They have also come with me to a couple of appts so have seen scans etc, and my OB was amazing spending quite a lot of time asking the girls what each different body part was. We've made sure to always say its "our" baby, not "my" baby.
I've noticed over the last couple of weeks that DD2 has got incredibly clingy. They know the baby is coming soon - we've said the whole way along that once they've had their birthdays the baby could come any time so its got very real for them.
Otherwise, I'm just reinforcing with lots of I love yours, telling them how much I love them and always will etc. We've also booked tickets to take them to see the Sesame Street stage show thing which will be on a few weeks after #3 is born to hopefully reinforce for them that the fun still happens, even though I might not be quite so available to them all the time.
Sounds exactly like my son was when his sister was on her way. He was very clingy and possessive of me and got quite upset when I held other people's babies. I constantly reassured him that nothing would change how I felt about him, I wuld just somone else for us to love. He was worried though that I was becoming someone else's mommy and I would no longer be his. He also didn't want me to leave him when I went to the hospital to deliver, he wanted to come with me, and he was super stressed out about being left behind. I just had to keep reassuring him. I took him to all my ultrasounds and he liked helping the Dr find her heartbeat with the doppler.
When I went into labour (he was 2.5) he freaked out at being left behind but there was not much I could do, I had to go and he couldn't come. He was very happy to be able to come visit me in the hospital after but he didn't want to go home to bed without mommy and he again was upset. I left a present for him in the living room before we went to the hospital and so I told him there was a present waiting at home for him from his little sister. He was all of a sudden excited to go home.
For about 4-6 months after she arrived he was very clingy with me. He loved her dearly and always wanted to hold her and help with her, but he had a hard time sharing my attention. Any time daddy offered to help him he would scream and cry for mommy to do it. He finally realized though that I still loved him and I was still there for him when he needed me and he finally adjusted and allowed daddy to help him again and stopped clinging to me so much.
It was tough for a bit but now they love each other so much (he is 4, she is almost 2) that she cries when I drop him off at preschool, and he cries when I tease him and pretend I left her behind at the park.
Preparing your Little One for the Birth of their sibling
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