My VBAC plans are pretty much out the window. I din't know where else to put this, I don't feel like I belong in VBAC support anymore, and I can't bring myslef to use the C/Sect one.

Things have been positive and with my very supportive Ob I have been planning a VBAC all along. I knew I could quite possibly come up against some obstacles at the end, but was very prepared, and have done everything I can think of to get this to happen.

Today I went to my Ob appt, and he did a quick scan to just check that we weren't up against any medical complications - and there they were. A lack of fluid and the placenta beginning to calcify. Which in a nutshell is that I'm in dangerous territory with the baby's health and safety, and ideally I now need to book in to have a c/s by the end of the week. If I choose not to, he said he will support me, and it is ultimately my decision, but medically speaking this baby needs to come out sooner rather than later.

What a smack in the face - after all my preparation (including acupuncture this morning - so I was expecting labour to begin sometime within the next 24 hours) the one person who let me down is the one person I least expected it from - Me! And even if I do go in to labour, my chances are still slim, because like last time baby is nowhere near engaged, and with the lack of fluid it is just not promising at all.

What I really don't feel comfortable with is booking a date - never have liked that idea. I never liked the idea of choosing what day and time to have my cat put down, how can I choose a day and time to have my baby born? I'd prefer it to be like last time in a way. Last time although I didn't get the vaginal birth I wanted, I gave it a go. Then finally I made the decision to have a c/s. This time I'm unlikely to get to attempt, and the c/s needs to be done.

I now can't stop crying, and thinking about the cold theatre, and the fact it is all planned out. What state I will be in afterwards, the fact that I won't even be able to pick up my son if he needs me to. I had a fantastic recovery last time, but that was because I was happy with how it all went... I don't think I will be feeling that this time.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up about this - I have said all along what will be, will be. But, I need to grieve the loss of my choices.