Siblings at birth

[sunshine_sieben]

Hi,

I am pregnant with my second child and after a beautiful waterbirth am ecstatic to have been accepted into the same birth centre again. DD is going to be 25 months old when this little one is due and if everything is going according to plan, I would love for her to be at the birth. It just feels right to me. We are a family and I don't see the neccessity to exclude her from this. My midwife is supportive of the notion.

My mother however is not. I want her to be at the birth again (she was there when DD was born, too). We had a discussion about it today and she's really critical of it. I know she doesn't have to understand, but I would like her to see my side. She only thinks DD would be traumatised.

I told ehr they have siblings at the birth centre all the time, but she said: "you don't know what goes on inside those children after experiencing that, seeing their mother in pain,..." I tried to explain that I think it is a beautiful thing to experience as a family, but she thinks that DD won't understand or remember in the long term. She just said: "Do you feel like you missed something because you weren't at your brother's birth?" WTF? How would I know if I missed out on something? I don't know it any other way.

I do however know that I was terribly distressed at having to leave him and my mum in hospital after my first visit. My parents didn't take me to see them again because I just screamed for hours because I wanted to take him home with me. This situation wouldn't happen at the birth centre anyway, because I would go home 4 hours after giving birth. But I just think it would be nice to have DD there right from the start, have her involved, if that is what she wants. Of course i would take her lead on this, if she doesn't cope, she doesn't have to be there.

My mum also doesn't believe that you can prepare a 2 year old for a birth as they just can't understand. I reckon she understands som much already and will understand so much more by then. I know she won't remember much detail, but I do want her to grow up thinking birth is normal and beautiful. Not something to be afraid of. It might stick in her subconsciousness...

Does anybody have some good arguments I could bring? I'm running mainly on instinct here, not a good starting point in an argument, IYKWIM.

Thanks, Saša

[alioops]

I am preparing my DDs for birth because I am known to have fast births. I wouldnt mind having them there. We have been watching You tube videos that are around 10 minutes and DD1 know knows that a baby does not come from a belly button She is not scared by the videos and I think she will cope fine with it. I am also looking into getting a wading pool to have in the family room so that when the time comes, I can be in deep enough water to cover my belly if things do happen too fast to get to the birth centre.

[~Saram~]

I agree with the point of view you have and you are the best judge of what your daughter can handle. I'm sure I saw a topic on a mods sig about siblings at birth???

Me personally I couldn't have DS at the birth, for me I need to be in my own space, head and body and I couldn't have done that with DS, I would have been primarily caring for him IYKWIM - even if someone else was there, I know in the end it would be me he would want to read, colour in, talk to etc

I wish you all the best for your beautiful birth and hope you get some good arguements for your mum

[Matryoshka]

You can prepare a 2 year old for a birth to some extent, for instance watching birthing videos (graphically appropriate of course). Throughout the pregnancy you can talk about the birth and practice making the noises you would in labour so that he isn't afraid, and so that he understands why you are making those sounds, and they are not sounds of pain. We did our best to prepare my DS1 who was 2 years/2 weeks at the time of birth and luckily my MIL was supportive of him being there (she was his carer as it was birth centre policy for the child to have a carer).

Throughout the labour he came in and out of the room, but i was in too much of a zone to really acknowledge him and he was more taken with the toys in the waiting room to want to stay much. But what was most important to me was having him come in as soon as his brother was born, literally seconds after, and that the baby see his face and vice versa. He was quite amazed by all of that. My baby made his way to the breast and fed, and later on i fed them both for the first time. I would have been upset had he not been a part of it, even in the small way that he was.

I hope your mother can come round to the idea... there is also a book about the waterbirth of a sibling, for children, i wish i could remember the name, its also great preparation for the young child. I will try to think what it was called.

[Matryoshka]

That book is called:

My Brother Jimi Jazz By Chrissy Butler

[BellyBelly]

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/birth/siblings-at-birth

[sunshine_sieben]

Saram, I do understand what you mean about not wanting your son at your birth. The ideal situation for me would be for my mum to be there for Maya (DD) and if she became disruptive to my labour, my mum would take her outside for a walk or something. Thanks so much for your input.

MummaB, my thinking is exactly the same as yours. It is not all that important to me that DD is there for the whole labour. But I would like her to be there immediately so that she is one of the first people to see her little brother or sister.
I have already watched some birthing scenes with DD (waterbirths) and she was just really taken with the little babies coming out. The noises and stuff didn't bother her at all. Actually, she was quite disinterested in it.
I'm gonna have a look at the book you mentioned. It sounds great. My MW mentioned that she had some nice materials she could reccommend, too.

Good on you for tandem BFing your boys. I'm curious to see whether I will be. Another thing my mum is not supportive about: BFing beyond 6 months. But she just hs to accept that I have slightly different views to her. Although we are very similar in most situations...

Thanks, Saša

[sunshine_sieben]

Kelly, thanks for the link. I had already read this article. It is more relevant to slightly older and more verbal children, though who are going to be even more aware of what's going on, maybe even consciously remember the experience for the rest of their lives.
She says that

I could wax on for ages about the social, emotional, cognitive and physical developmental benefits for children who witness the birth of their siblings, all of which are valid and factual points to make...

This is exactly the kind of info I am after.

Saša

[Inanna]

My signature my love...

I am a big advocate of siblings being present for the birth of their brother/sister...

I have five live children - and each has been present for the birth of their younger sibling - except for my DD4 - as DD1 was a high tech emergency c/section at 28 weeks...

It is only in the west and only in this "day and age" that birth happens as a medical event behind closed doors... My children were not traumatised or ill effected by being involved at their siblings births. Birth is a family event - it is HUGE! I believe that one of the reasons that birth has such a fear mentality in our society is because it happens behind closed doors. Birthing babies is a natural and normal family event. it is sacred and beautiul.

Siblings being involved in birth helps to break down the fear and the mystery. My children know exactly where babies come from - and the hard work it takes to get them here...

Educating your children - making noises to give examples of the noises you may make in labour, examples, books and videos are all great things to do with your other children.

But, just take it in your stride. Birth is normal. Treat it as such and don't allow any of the hog wash that some people talk about to infiltrate.

Sometimes things don't go to plan - have a plan B - but focus on plan A and trust in the process and the natural process that most "usually" happens.

I have the most beautiful photos of my children during the labours of their younger siblings. One of my most treasured is breast feeding my DD while contracting with her sister. My son peering up my bottom to see if he can see "Eva" arriving...

My DD (eldest) putting a straw up my nose in attempt to give me water...

Mostly the absolute awe and sacred love pouring from my oldest babies as they investigate the newborn bodies of their younger siblings.

There is no greater gift to give your child than to show them how birthing can be a very natural and instinctual process.

Happy to email you photos if you would like. Good luck - stick to your guns - go with your gut - and happy birthing...

[sunshine_sieben]

Alioops, sorry I must have missed your post... thanks for sharing. I hope your birth will be just the way you imagine it to be...

Flowerchild, thanks for your reply, too. I whole heartedly agree with everything you said in your post. I would love to see some pictures if you don't mind. Although I wasn't at my brother's birth, my parents have always instilled the thought into us, that birth is nothing to be afraid of. That it is natural and normally doesn't need any "assistance". And after an incredible experience the first time around, I am not the least bit worried about the next one. Of course, if things go wrong, I will roll with the punches. But I KNOW I can do this. And I just KNOW that I do not want to exclude my DD from it. We are a family. We do everything together. It just feels wrong to exlude her from this. Especially since she is a girl, I want to instill the normality of birth into her right from the start. I want this to be a a sacred thing that we share as a family. I want to be able to tell her later how she helped birth her baby brother or sister. I want to be able to tell her that she was one of the first to see and touch him or her. I want her to have a protective, nurturing instinct towards him or her.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this... it's just the way I feel about it.

Saša

[Inanna]

I hear you - the thought of leaving my eldest DD with friends and her coming when it was all over seemed so wrong to me. Birth IS a family affair - weather or not you include your family is your personal choice but that does not change the fact that it is a family event. I agree that especially our daughters should witness birth and what it means/is/feels like. It stands them in good stead. DD assumed she would be present - she was and still is shocked that siblings do not routinely attend births. Plus trust me it is a good teenage contraceptavie also... All my children were devastated that they were not present for Immy's birth...

[Papillon]

I am so glad i found this thread!

My DD has been eager for a baby... to the point 4 months ago she told her group at childcare that i was infact pregnant and having a baby girl. Since that day she has asked almost everyday for daddy to put her sister in my belly.... funny enough, it was around the same time i started getting clucky for #3. We are now going to try this month, and i have been thinking about having her in with the birth.... i would have our son too, i just think she would really benefit from it.

Either way, im so glad to have found this thread!

Alot of reading i have to do!

thanks guys

[Ellibam]

i had DS at the birth of DD he was 22 months and it was beautiful!!
he would come up to me and ask if i was ok(he was going through that stage at the time) and i would say yes mummy is just going to have a baby.
we had dd at home so he was comfortable in the environment any way.. he would go play then come back in he ran around the pool he would take the m/w off to show her his toys or bring themin to us.
my MIL was his support person who got him his meals andgot him dressed for the day. she took him for a walk and he was playing on the veranda just as DD was born then came straight in to see what the fuss was!!
it really was beautiful!

[Cyathea]

My 23 month old son was at the homebirth of his brother, he was just fine, he had his own support person who made sure he was totally comfortable with proceedings, and if he wanted to go and do something she was totally there to play with him, feed him etc, it worked really well.

We read "Hello Baby" and watched lots of VERY GRAPHIC birth videos, he was fine with them, and I explained that I might make funny noises to help bub out etc, we played games making noises etc...

So I think he was well prepared, it was a lovely calm birth, and no drama at all.

If your mum is worried, I would definitely suggest she watches some birth vids featuring children, it is easy to see they are simply fascinated, not at all traumatised or upset, and they also take a lot of their cues from the adults, if the adults truly believe in birth as a normal natural process, then the children will follow suit, if the adults are stressing and scared, then the kids will pick up on it. So what I am saying a little, is she may not be the best help to you if she is not 100% on board, and is going to be a stressor in the birth space, maybe a doula could be helpful?

This time both boys will be present, we are going through the same kind of stuff, watching heaps of very graphic birth videos, talking a lot about it etc.

I think it is an essential part of their education actually to be exposed to the truth of birth. It is primal, and natural and can be painful and beautiful and whatever else...it is simply very real.

[Jennifer13]

This is a great thread. I haven't even considered this for my DD (as it is I'm having a doula for #2 as I don't know how well DP would go ). But it really sounds like the kind of thing I'd want for her, especially since we're planning on #2 when she's about 4 or 5. I love the idea that maybe she'd remember it, and I'm sure my Mum would come down to look after her during labour. (And oh boy, wouldn't THAT drive my MIL nuts! This just keeps getting better!).

Good luck, Sasa, it sounds like you are planning on a memorable family experience.

[ubba82]

I really want DD (7yrs) to be at the birth of our next baby. She has asked me about it several times and even before I was pregnant. I have had some for and against opinions and I still don't know exactly what the decision will be. I think if there is someone there to look after her if it all gets too much - then it will work well but in saying that I don't really want any other family or friends there

[Ozziehoffy]

I say if you feel your DD will be ok, then go for it! I would love Oskar to be there for this one, we will see what happens as things get closer and decide then. We may have no option anyway as we don't have family nearby to come and look after him. I think being scared is something we can "instill" if that makes sense?? For example, thunder... Oskar thinks it's funny and laughs because of the way we've always been with him about it and not made it to be a big thing but made it a funny or fun thing. They do understand a LOT more than we give them credit for! All the best hun!

[Inanna]

I just want to add its important - necessary to have a support person for the child/children. Someone trusted who is okay with the whole birthing procdss. A person who is likely to panic, or have a negative response is not the right person to have with you in your sacred space....

If you are having your baby in a hospital/birthing centre take your child/ren often so it becomes a very familiar place - this will help to keep them feeling comfortable.

My DD was 5 1/2 when her 1st sibling was birthed. She was fine - again tho she was very familiar with birth (her second birth really as once she had to tag along with me!) she fetched water, reported what my peri was doing... and generally kept busy. My DD4 I was breast feeding her sister - all the kids were in and out of the birthing pool during my labour. DD5 thinks all babies are born in pools!