Support people and waiting outside the birth suite... is this normal?

[Laranna]

Schmickers has made some great points.

No way, you're not being controlling or unreasonable at all! This is YOUR birth and and your's and Shel's experience to become parents in your own space and comfort without all and sundry hanging around especially if they don't agree on the birth methods. You don't want any negativity hanging around.

I've started to experience the same comments with my mum and MIL starting to comment that they'll be there for the birth and have even had a friend say she will be at the hospital waiting. DP & I have agreed that we will not be telling anyone when I go into labour and it will be a few hours at least before we start calling people including our parents.

I'm facing the possibility of a c-section and we've decided that we are not even going to tell anyone that I'm having a c-section let alone the date it's booked in for. I just couldn't stand people loitering around just waiting and I would be devastated if anyone got to hold my baby before I did, except for DP of course.

So, whether I go into labour naturally or book in for a c-section, none of our family or friends will know until at least a few hours after the birth and depending on how I am feeling will indicate when they can all start visiting me. I just want time for me, DP and new baby to be alone together before everyone starts to visit.

Stick to your guns and if people get offended when you tell them not to be there until xxx time, too bad, they will get over it.

[rufalina]

I am totally in the NOT TELLING CAMP!!!
I will not be telling anyone till after bubs is born...

You will have to make that clear to Shel if you want to go down that path, and make sure she is OK with keeping it secret too. Surely she want it to be a special private moment for the two of you.

If they do show up I am sure the midwives will keep them out of the room, and you will just have to do your best to block it out. Make sure you tell the front desk of the birthing suite too who you permit in your birthing room... (Maybe put it in writing).

You have some great advice here, and I am suer you will get the birth you want somehow.

[Kitt3n]

Who cares what they want?

Thsi is your baby's birth, your special time with your partner, your magical experience.

Stuff their noses, let em get way out of joint if they persist. I would just be honest.

"Look, we are really grateful for your support, but Shell and i just want this to happen of its own accord, we want it to be OUR time. We dont really want anyone hanging around in the hallway/waiting room, and we will let everyone know once the baby is born. When we are ready for visitors we will let you know"

People can be so bombarding after the birth of a baby, and if you dont stand up for yourselves you will find the whirlwind of the first few weeks of the baby's life will be filled with memories of others - instead of memories of you, shell, and bubble.

Stay in the hospital as long as you can if they will be like this - then people can only visit in certain hours. And when you get home let all calls go to voicemail.

[Beach Mama]

Oh hun it is so hard isn't it. Everyone above has given some great advice and I think the most important thing to remember is, it is YOUR birth, nobody else's so if you want to go drug-free then that is your decision, others can give their advice - you can nod and say "Ok" but you know what you want hun. I was the same, had a bit of gas and had an epidural in the end, but it was MY choice at the time not because other people told me to do it IYKWIM.

One other thing, DH told our families that I was going in for the c/s because after 36 hours of waiting they were a little anxious. Anyway I had no idea until afterwards but they were all there as I was being wheeled into my room in the ward, and then they were holding Iz right away which, drugged up at the time, I didn't really click onto but there is NO way anyone but me and DH are going to be holding this bubby until I am well and truly settled in my room.

I'm waffling on but stick to your guns, and I'm sure you will be fine.

[Boo Boo]

What is it with people - can't they have some patience for g@d's sakes?!!!! Would they want this type of birth themselves where they have people waiting outside, probably not! It is a private and precious time for you, one that you will never get back not a public event! As others have said - don't tell them when you go into labour - when you have your gorgeous baby in your arms - then tell people when you are ready to tell them. Stick to your guns with this one otherwise you will really feel overwhelmed, overpowered and vulnerable.... if they really want to help you - tell them to go clean your house, make some meals for the freezer, etc, etc and when bubs is here they can come round and help out to give you a break.

Good Luck!!!! Wishin you a wonderful birth.

Laurin

[Nai]

I totally agree with the NOT TELLING ANYONE camp. Who cares what they want - this is your birth!!

When the time comes just do your thing and tell everyone after the event. They don't need to know when you go into labour or when you go into hospital.

The hospital can also be helpful in turning away unwanted visitors, not putting calls through and not telling people which room you are in. I would be enlisting their help on that front.

[krysalyss]

Hi Leash - Its great that you have so many people who care about you and your bub! But the last thing you will want or need is people putting pressure on you when you are vulnerable. There are ways that they can really help you (like helping to freeze in meals before the birth), but being near during birth or afterwards when you want some private time isn't one of them. Stick to your guns. Just let everyone know how much you appreciate their concern and care but that you and Shell want to have this time together to bond with your little one. You can control how you communicate what you want to them but can't ultimately control their reaction. Once you become a new parent you realise how much other people project their opinions on you. You may as well start putting your foot down now. If they get offended, rest assured there is no way they will be able to resist coming around (once they are allowed) to peek at the new arrival. I am sure they will get over it quickly.
Good luck!!

[Lulu]

Yeah - great stuff everyone! I totally agree on NOT telling everyone until bubs is born, in fact the closer it come to your due date, start preparing. Put your answering machine on more often, and answer your mobiles less NOW (does that make any sense?). It sounds like these silly buggers would prolly come up to the hospital if you didn't answer you phone around your due date.

I remember a friends hubby calling us to let us know their bubs was born, I specifically asked if was ok to come and visit. I was horrified to get there and realise she only JUST had her little one, there was a room full of people and mum hadn't even had a shower yet.

[~*Niadalla*~]

I wouldn't even tell them until you get home... just to spite them. LOL
You can do whatever you set ur mind and heart to! Don't listen to anyone else.
And I agree with what everyone else has said. Don't tell anyone until after bubs arrives. This is such a speical time for you and your partner, the birth of your first child. Don't let anyone else ruin it. They will get over it
Good luck, and best wishes

[Gigi]

Birthing a baby is an intensely personal experience.

you need to focus on what you're doing, not have to worry about the politics of all those rubberneckers.

you are not a sideshow
the baby is not a doll

and MOST importantly of all, nothing you said about ANY of those people, indicates that they are capable of
- listening
or
- respecting you

I would not be letting these people even KNOW you had started labouring (when you do).

who needs the agro

listen to the little voice in your head, be guided by that.

just focus on the birth and birthing the way you want to, without all those BS distractions of unwanted company.

a few extra TRUSTED people, to take photos (if you want that), to go on errands etc, can come in handy. but they need to be people who LISTEN and RESPECT you and your partner, and understand how low key you want everything.

you are NOT being unreasonable.

[MummyDuck]

I am apparently denying them of their RIGHT to see their newborn grandchild/niece.

I had exactly the same problem. DP's brother was in a big accident a few months ago and while we all went down to see him at the hospital he got quite annoyed that everyone was there. My DP thought this was an opportune time to bring up the fact that I didnt was visitors while I was in hospital. The convo went a little like this:

DP: You know Danni is the same she doesn't want any visitors when she gives birth
Aunt in law: No of course we aren't going to be in there while she is giving birth. We will wait in the waiting room.
(me slightly freaked out now and getting quite annoyed that this had even been bought up)
Me: Um no, actually I don't want anyone visiting until we get home, I just want some..... (I get cut off)
Aunt in Law: We have rights you know, especially FIL, you can't deny him the right to see his grandchild.
Me: Yeah

I left it after that - no point in arguing with them - I took it up with DP after we left. In fact I threatened DP that he had crossed the line bringing it up and not standing up for me and I wasn't even going to tell him when I went into labour!!! Apparently now he has come around and decided not to tell them until at least a few hours after the birth but I have enlisted my best friend as a support person (which I think has annoyed him a little) so she can keep him in line too!!!

We are lucky in that the hospital is moving and no one is going to know whih hospital we will be in - we wont even know until that day so in order for anyone to just show up they have to make possibly two trips.

I don't at all think you are out of line I think you are being reasonable. People don't seem to realise that yes their niece/nephew, grandchild, random work friends baby (lol - she being the most out of line)WHOEVER is being born but it is US MUMS who have to go through labour and birth and it is hard work and sometimes traumatic or overwhelming and WE created this little baby and i think that WE should have the RIGHT to spend some time alone with him/her.

People like this make me so angry!!!! I can't think of anything worse then people waiting for the impending birth either.

I also don't really think it should be up to you to say something to this work collegue. It might be easier on Shell if you do because she has to work with her but I think it would be nice if she just maybe said to her that you didn't know her that well yet and didn't really feel comfortable with calling her granny and maybe offer for her to meet up for dinner more often or something so you can get to know her better. I dunno - I'm talking mish mash.

Point is - Stand up and be heard - DO NOT GET PUSHED AROUND!!! This isnt about anyone other then you Shell and the bubs - remember that!!

[rufalina]

I do think SamiH made a good point about not upsetting these people too much as you do want them to be around afterwords to help... I think there has to be a way you can balance the need for privacy with their desires...

I do like Michaels suggestion of the "waiting party" at your place... with jobs to do... Make them feel useful but out of your hair at the same time.

[ShootingStar]

Honestly.. i think youre better off just being honest with them and telling them you dont want anyone else there. You could be in labour for hours (lets hope not!) so them waiting outside, theres no point. Plus youre going to want to rest after you give birth anyways, not see people. Hun i think for your own sake (it is YOU giving birth after all), i would just tell them to please stay away until you call. Last thing you want is a million people sticking their faces in when its not wanted.

[Nai]

Leasha, I really hope for your sake that you go into labour outside of work hours, preferably around 2am so that there is no way any of these people can find out.

Why is Shel's workmate so interested in your baby anyway? It sounds a bit freaky to me. Doesn't she have her own life?

[meow]

I like the waiting party idea as at least they might realise they can do something helpful rather than sitting on their butts willing you toxic thoughts about your labour!

I meant to say before that you sound just like me with regards to planning a drug-free, no intervention birth. Sure you're a first timer so you really have no idea what it is like but I assure you- you can do it!

[alioops]

Hun 1st of all I would have an extra support person there, Shel is not superhuman and may not handle you being in that much pain very well. However I would not want any of these women to be that support person. I would choose someone who you feel most comfortable with, who supports your wishes, and who you could handle showing you woohoo to.

2nd of all I would be firm and tell them that you dont want them there for personal reasons and that you do appreciate that they are excited, but that waiting is not appropriate. You could do the party (that sounds great) but it is worth telling them when things happen of there will be issues with family. I like the idea of the waiting party - only if they can have a key or they can have a back entry left unlocked. I would recommend that Shel talk to the friend from work's boss to ensure she has to stay at work. would be easy if she ll is doing a simple release back into the wild when you call!

[Phteven]

Of course you can acheive a natural birth but not if you're surrounded by 'support' people who don't believe in you.
Being a support person is a privledge not a right.