What role does the father of baby have in the decision of where & how to birth?

[Nelle]

Great question!

B, I'd say. I don't think he'd want the responsibility of the decision. But he has had sticking points before (the cost of homebirth, for example) that I've respected.

As others have said though - it all comes down to what the father is like - my partner is laid back and excels in a supporting role; kept a calm and helpful head at the accidental homebirth of our second child, doesn't feel the need to be in control. Were he the type to call the shots without consulting, we'd have a very different type of agreement, one where I made sure he was equally, if not more, informed about the ideal birth, and make sure we were on the same page. As is, the only issues we have is me being uncertain if he'd feel confident to advocate for me in tricky situations, which is why we've always had a second birth support person.

[Cherished]

Interesting question. I'm not sure how to answer really, even though you have clearly given us option a, b, c, d or e to choose from lol I had never really thought about. dh just respected that 'I' would be the one giving birth and he wanted me to be as comfortable as I possibly could be and did everything in his power through the pregnancy and birth that he possible could to make sure that happened. So I guess my answer would be d

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Personally i'd say D - after DD1's birth i needed to be confident in how i was birthing with DD2 but i also understood that DP missed DD1's birth and he had just as much right to express his feelings towards what would happen next.
In saying that he attended 1 appointment and all the choices were left up to me as in his words "you did it so easily last time".
I would have loved to have attempted a home birth (properly this time) with DD2 but i knew it was something that DP would not handle so i didn't explore that option further.

I agree that YES it is the woman's body and she should be able to choose how to labor but i think that partners should also have a choice in how their child enters the world, i don't think it's as clear cut as 'my vagina, my choice'

[Trillian]

I don't think you'd be delegating anything to anyone HotI. But to truly just say to someone that you are going to do it your way, irrespective of what their opinion is or feelings are, then feelings are going to get hurt and probably not yours. I just do not think that it is really sensible to do that to your partner when they are going to be the ones you need to support you through the toughest times of your pg, and eventually your birth. I know for me, I *know* I couldn't birth with confidence if I didn't have the support of my DH and if I had to go through a birth with him either sitting in the room with me and being unsupportive because he disagreed with the choices I had made. Or, depending on how much I'd upset him with my choices, not there at all.

And what happens if it all goes to **** again and you need his support afterwards to help you through it again? I'm not saying that will happen at all, but it's something that does need to be taken into consideration. If you alienate him about the choices made for birth, do you think he would help you pick up the pieces if those choices put you in the same predicament again? It would be really hard to go to someone and say 'hey, I didn't listen to you earlier, but now I really need your help to get me through this again' and it may be hard for that person to just forget that they were not listened to in the first place and help you when you need it kwim?

And I think what if the roles were reversed - how would you feel for example if he just said 'My body My Choice' and went and got a vasectomy when you wanted more children? Wouldn't you feel like you should have been part of the decision making process? It comes back to the amount of trust in the relationship. If he can trust you that you will do the absolute best for both yourself and the baby, then it's fine if you just do what you want without consultation, but if he is unsure, then you have to help him work on WHY he is unsure.

Now I do think that you can still retain 100% bodily autonomy because it IS your body and it IS your baby, but it's also HIS baby too and I think that if you truly do want to do things you way, then you at least owe it to him to get him on your side and see things you way so he can support you unconditionally. I think it is a bit of a cop out to blatantly say 'my body, my baby' because it just doesn't work like that. I don't get how women do that and then once the baby is born it becomes OUR baby ITMS. It's not fair to the partner. However I do understand that when trauma is involved, it is a whole new ballgame. That's why I think it is so important that you do have 100% support because you are going to need it. So you can still have E, but just include a little bit of D to start with.

[RhiChiChi]

For me personally, it is D but I know when in labour it was C. Having said that, I am more than comfortable with how my labour & birth went & in particular that DH helped make decisions when I was in labour - I was not coping well & was a little panicked, whereas he was really calm.

My DH would say E. We've had this discussion before (a similar thread was on this site a little while ago) & he told me it is my body, my choice but for me, it is equally important that he is involved in the decision making process, although ultimately it would be my decision.

[HotI]

And in the end i will probably do that Trill. and a little part inside me will die. and if stuff goes wrong another little part will. Is that we women/mothers do, put others needs/wants before ours, even in important issues that involve our bodies and our souls?

(when i say something goes wrong, i am not talking about having a medically necessary c section or any other intervention that i believe is needed. i am talking about not having my beliefs or rights respected)

[onthefly]

I'm not very good at standing up for myself. Since having DS I've found one source of strength when it comes to birthing etc and that is my children. It's not just about me and what I want. It's about their safety and wellbeing too. If a mother is not respected, what hope does a tiny, defenseless baby have? I won't be a compliant, good girl if my babies are on the line.
Of course if your baby's safety required it, I bet you'd have the caeser without drugs if need be. But you have to know it's necessary. To know that, you need to be in a safe space, cared for by someone who is not only competent and experienced, but who respects your autonomy over your body and ability to make decisions for yourself, as well as recognising that birth is the mother's responsibility.

Perhaps I'm lucky that my husband is both a fabulous support person and an excellent advocate. If he were not, I hope that he would respect me and my need to keep my babies as safe as possible well enough to support me in making these decisions and finding alternate support people.

[Cassius2]

mine is B. it is about creating a supportive, informed and empowering environment and if your partner is not comfy then IMHO it it cannot be any of those things.

that said, your partner feeling comfortable is not necessarily about reneging on your birth wishes but rather of showing your partner that your wishes are valid and informed ITMS.

anyway just my two cents...sorry cant linger...hungry baby!

[Cranky Kitten]

I was discussing this with DH this morning on the way to work - for us it's very much a D. His theory is along the lines of my body, our baby. I respect him and care about him enough to know that if he's not comfortable with something, that it's for a good reason and most probably because he's concerned for both me and bub. And if he's not comfortable in a situation, he's not going to be in the right headspace to be what I need which is that support and encouragement.

Mind you, the only thing thus far he's expressed he wouldn't be happy with would be a homebirth. He would be far more comfortable with the reassurance of having highly trained professionals close by (as in not a car/ambulance ride away) just in case something did go horribly wrong. So comfortable and happy with things like FBC and midwifery led care, if that had been what I wanted to do. Such as it is, I've decided to go with a private hospital birth with ob. Which he is completely fine with.

[Arcadia]

Just wanted to say that I had two highly trained professionals at both my births...midwives at homebirths are as trained as hospital midwives and carry lots of equipment. Birthing at home is different to unassisted birthing.

Truly I think men don't like the idea of Homebirth because they don't want to be responsible. They want to hand over the risk and I think that's fine. But a homebirth with midwives does hand over the risk and responsibility to others. It's almost like men imagine they'll have to take on some special role at a Homebirth (play doctor maybe?). They're just a husband, but supporting you at home not hospital.

Throughout this thread we have all said we respect our partners opinions etc, but are they truly respecting ours if they won't even consider an option? And to what extent is it our responsibility to educate them? If they truly want a say, then they should research and debate the options, or at least be open to information.

[Smoke Jaguar]

E. But then I have a DP who knows that my body knows how to do birth best and interference compromises good outcomes. So E, and not because I'm a dictatorial cow, but because he trusts the birthing process and how it has evolved over millenia. It's not a power thing, just a respect thing. It's the one time he is unconditionally supportive of me.

[HotI]

Throughout this thread we have all said we respect our partners opinions etc, but are they truly respecting ours if they won't even consider an option? And to what extent is it our responsibility to educate them? If they truly want a say, then they should research and debate the options, or at least be open to information.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

As i said yesterday hun i think maybe you should BOTH write a pro's and con's list about BOTH options, homebirth and hospital birth.
Give them to each other to sit and read alone and then discuss or if he can't do that then maybe suggest he research both his and your fears and you do the same.
Make sure you list pro's for his suggestion too, there ARE pro's for both situations and con's for both, maybe opening up to each other about your fears and aspirations will help.

I do agree that he should be showing you respect by listening to your ideas and your fears but it's also to be returned, listen to his fears aswell and i know you said you don't really 'talk' about these things but if possible explain your fears, if you really needed to maybe ask him to look at some of the stuff you've written here and what bothers you.

[onthefly]

Well said Arcadia!