Feeling guilty abotu wanting a better experience the second time round

[Lolli]

Hi all,

I went to see my m/w last week and she was fantastic. We talked about a natural third stage of labour, and baby-led attachment. I left there feeling on top of the world, actually looking forward to experiencing something I will have some control over this time around.

I didn't expect the guilt. I feel guilty for wanting to do it 'better' the second time around. I worry that I will have a better bond with this baby than I initially had with ds- which is essentially what i want but that sounds terrible.

I almost feel like I am giving this baby a better start to life than I gave ds- which, again, I suppose I am. But I feel awful about it. poor kid was already my 'mistake' baby- I have learnt from the mistakes I made the first time around, so the ride will be smoother for all of us next time around. But that seems so unfair to him.

Like I said, I was totally unprepared for this feeling. Anyone have any insight for me?

ETA- Sorry for that atrocious spelling mistake in the title

[Trillian]

I think everyone is entitled to have the birth they want. For me, the beauty of previous births was that it gave me an insight to what worked, and what didn't and things I would like to do differently. My first birth was pretty good by most standards - 12hrs, used the tub and I did have peth and then later the gas and while I didn't really feel I had to improve on that, I knew that the next time round I wanted to make sure I didn't have the peth again and be more active (I gave up walking far too early in my first birth and I think I could have made it shorter had I done more walking) and I loved my second birth to bits - I was active as long as I could, I used the shower and only used the gas for an hr or so, so everything I wanted to do differently I achieved. And it didn't affect the bonding process in any way at all.

That's what's so great about education, you learn from it and make decisions using that info to the best of your ability. Even after my third birth I learnt sooooo much after I joined here - I didn't realise there was so much more out there to learn that could make birth such a better thing. Like for my 3rd, I agreed to a syncto induction, possibly didn't have a lot of choice cause there was mec staining in the waters, but I still didn't know the full ramifications that an induction could have and maybe if I did I would have handled it differently, asked for the drip to only be on low etc (cause she wasn't in distress the entire labour). So when I was planning my 4th birth I did so with all the knowledge I had now and it was a great birth (bloody hard work but still great) I didn't get to do all of what I wanted to because the cord was around his neck and he was blue and needed rescussitation but I don't regret for a second that I did it differently to my 3rd birth.

I can completely understand the feeling you have though because you feel a little like you are betraying your previous birth, but you really aren't. Previous births provide us with the strength and the knowledge to go forth and have a GREAT subsequent birth and he, nor this baby will ever hold that against you, because hindsight is a wonderful thing and you did what you thought was the best thing at the time

[MantaRay]

LR, it's interesting that you should post this. I felt a similar way when preparing for DS2's birth. But I felt so good after having a fantastic second birth I haven't thought about it again. Despite the great birth though, I actually took longer to bond with DS2 than DS1. I'm not entirely sure why, but he was 3 1/2 weeks early and arrived in just 3 hours so I think I wasn't emotionally prepared to have the baby yet. So I guess what I'm saying is that your feelings are really normal, but you might not feel the way after the birth that you think you will.

Go have a great birth hun.

[BekZ]

Damit lost my post so I'll try again.

Lori - Hugs sweets. I agree with Trillian that you do learn from experience and there is nothing wrong with wanting "better" next time. For some reason we as mothers tend to put a lot of stress and guilt onto oursevles. I certainly felt concerned about the bond I would have with DD2 as compared with my DD1. I had all sorts of questions and apprehensions going on in my head, actually I still do with this baby.

However, experience has taught me that you will regret some things that you did with your first child and even your second. You bond differently with each child and at different times and you do things with the knowledge that you have at that moment in time. In a sense you are using you past experience to improve and there is nothing wrong with that at all, it means you are growing as a person and a mum.

Lovely you have done such a wonderful job with your little man, don't ever doubt that.