Is your partner as well informed as you?

[fourthontheway]

My partner read Active Birth, and went to Bradley method classes with me. We planned a homebirth but transferred, he wasn't as well versed on our tf plan as he should have been .... there were short sharp words in the months afterwards and he is VERY well prepared this time should the need to tf arise.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Great question Ali! I hope, at least for DH and I, that if we were to get into that situation, we would both be willing to hear out each side, and the reasons for it. I wouldn't want it to come down to 'My Body My Choice' ultimatum, especially between husband and wife, so I have hopes that it could be talked through

Great point as well Inanna! I guess my main reason for wanting DH there when the time comes is more for emotional bonding purposes - both in our relationship, as well as his relationship with our new bub. I do understand what you're saying about female energy, and working through as opposed to 'fixing', so I would need to make absolutely sure DH understands my innate determination to work through the pain and have an empowering birth experience.

[Persephone1]

Ugh, good thread, and timely for me. I'm reading lots about birth, but the books are not being touched by my DH. I did however have some more success with some pamphlets which my Mum got me from her local health service - short, concise and easy to read. DH has managed to read those, but nothing else.

We're going to be doing the hospital antenatal classes and Rhea Dempsey's Birth Wisdom class. I'm hoping this will be enough for DH to get the picture. I do however have some nerves about how the birth will go, when it comes to the crunch - DH has looked over my shoulder at my draft Birth Plan and said "do you really think they'll let you do that?" - which makes me think that I'm going to have to be the strong one. My DH also thinks that he'll be very supportive and new-age about the birth experience, but in reality may just p*ss me off and make me want him to leave - his version of "support" will be telling me what to do and talking to me when I want him to shut-up.

So, my answer to all this, besides hoping that DH will absorb SOMETHING from the birth classes, is to hire a Doula. And my Doula has already spoken to me about being prepared for DH to be the "weak link" in the room (no offence to my DH), so she knows the score. I pay my Doula to do her job - which includes being objective, whereas my DH can only be expected to be my DH - a lovely, loving, caring, intelligent man, who may not be a great support person during the birth.

Oh and in case there were any doubts about my DH's wonderful "supportive" attitude: I told him the other day that I needed to start reading about breastfeeding. His response - "Why? Breastfeeding is natural, what is there to read about?"

[Fleur]

I pay my Doula to do her job - which includes being objective, whereas my DH can only be expected to be my DH - a lovely, loving, caring, intelligent man, who may not be a great support person during the birth.

I think you've hit the nail on the head there - some of these men make wonderful husbands and partners, just not great Doulas!

[SammyRo]

DH didn't read much, but was very happy to listen when I explained why I didn't want intervention, epidurals, etc. He was very supportive before hand. We did midwifery group pracitce with DD, and he attended all of my appointments, and so had taken part in many conversations with our lovely mw about my birth intentions, so I felt confident that we were all on the same page.

When it came to it, I wouldn't have got through it without DH - apparently, I didn't let him get so far as the toilet once we were in hospital. DH was advocating me to stay at home longer, it was me that wanted to get into hospital asap once the contractions really got going.

DD was persistent posterior, and so the birth was long and difficult, with a 2.5 hour pushing stage. At no point did DH or the MW offer me any pain relief, other than the gas (which the mw didn't actually turn on I found out later - she just made me use it to control my breathing!), and when I asked the MW if she coul just pull the baby out, she calmly told me that by the time we had transferred to L&D from the birth centre, gound a doctor and got set up for forceps, I would have given birth anyway. Maybe if I had gone a different mode of care, and so got any random mw on shift at the time, things might have been different, and DH might have acted differently. So maybe, thats where some women might need a doula or an IM.

This time around, I've borrowed Juju Sudin's book, and while I know DH won't read it all, he has said that he will read the parts with actual strategies if I tag them for him.

[slyder]

Imagine the outrage if some of you mob came across a mens forum where we made the same blanket stereotypes about women being useless with anything practical, mainly suited to kitchen duties blah blah blah.

I'm not at all annoyed, don't getme wrong, but by christ there are some patronising comments in these types of threads.

We're not all disengaged and stupid. I think most relationships have one person who is the seeker of information, and one that goes with the flow. Sometimes, both people are the same. In any event there are stacks of blokes who know as much, or more, than their partners on this general subject.

PS. My relationship is exactly the same as Rouge's.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Imagine the outrage if some of you mob came across a mens forum where we made the same blanket stereotypes about women being useless with anything practical, mainly suited to kitchen duties blah blah blah.

I'm not at all annoyed, don't getme wrong, but by christ there are some patronising comments in these types of threads.

We're not all disengaged and stupid. I think most relationships have one person who is the seeker of information, and one that goes with the flow. Sometimes, both people are the same. In any event there are stacks of blokes who know as much, or more, than their partners on this general subject.

PS. My relationship is exactly the same as Rouge's.

I didn't say all men were disengaged and stupid Slyder, I asked if they were as informed as the partners they are supporting, and whether some women felt let down because their partners didn't research. I didnt specifically mean men, I meant PARTNERS, or support persons.

I also don't think there have been many - if any - patronizing comments made in this thread, as generally people have been posting about their personal experiences.

I'm truly sorry if you have found this thread patronizing or offensive, but to come into a peaceful and intelligent discussion with guns blazing is not really the way to react, is it?

For my part, I started this thread after helping my sister write her birth plan, and her telling me that she knew she couldn't rely on her DH to support her, which she felt was because he refused to do ANY reading or listen to her thoughts on the matter. She felt unsupported for her last birth, so for this birth she has chosen her DH if he decides to come, myself, and a trainee midwife.