I don't want to offend any formula feeding mum's out there, so please don't read too much into any of this. Just a sooky winge.
We've been friends with this couple for about 9 years. Met them around the time I concieved DD1.
DH knew them through high school though.
Anyway, I have DD1, fully intending to breastfeed her til she's 6 months old, if not longer. But with lack of support, as noone around me bfed & I knew nothing about it, after 6 weeks of painful feeding, another 4 weeks of expressing non stop, I put her on formula.
Then DD2 comes along. Over the first 5 weeks I had more pain, cracks, bleeding & thrush, so I just give up. Again having no idea there is a such thing as a lactation consultant, noone suggested I ring the ABA, no help anywhere.
In this time these friends have a little girl & she BF's her DD til she is 7 months old, then switches to formula coz she feels she's not eating well enough & its draining too much energy. TBH there was alot of jelousy, but nothing major. I hated that she could feed her DD with not one single problem. No pain, no cracks, no thrush. Not even getting used to it pain. I felt it was so unfair.
Then I had DS. Again the pain started straight away, but I was determined. I couldn't fail another one of my babies. I struggled through the first 6 weeks with thrush, (I now think) vasospasm, blocked ducts & all sorts of things. I tried so hard, but hen went & bought FF to have a break. I was only going to give him 1 a day, but the fear of the pain of attatchment was so overwhelming I gave up. He was on FF for 3 days straight when I rang the mchn in tears & sad I needed help. PND was hitting severly & I felt horrible.
After her letting me know she was here to support me no matter what, either way, she rang the closest LC for me. 2 hours away. She & I both chatted to the LC over the phone & decided on some things to try. That was my turning point. Our BF relationship lasted almost 2 years, til the sensitivity this from pregnacy got too much & I weaned him.
Ok, so 2.5 weeks ago these friends have their second little girl. They had relationship problems & even though they'd taken about 8 months to finally conceive her, a termination was considered (by her & the only way I could describe it was out of spite towards him). He longed for this baby & wants more & is a great father. Does everything, as well as work so its easier for her.
Anyway, again she breast feeds with not an issue. The day after the birth she's a bit overwhelmed with the amount of feeding she's doing & says she'll give it about a month & if she's not sleeping better she'll put her on the bottle. I reassured her things would get better & over the days let her know all the normal things with bfing. 2 hourly, cluster feeding, all the things that happen that I didn't know much about.
Now bub is in a much better routine, every 2 hours or so through the day, then mostly 4 hours overnight. No interest in letting bubs do the cluster feeding though, just gives a dummy for as long as possible.
Then this morning over the phone she tells me she bought formula. She's had enough. Its too draining, she's tired & needs sleep. I'm just so frusterated!
The poor kid is only 2 weeks old! You plan a baby, try for 8 months to have one, finally get her, but aren't prepared to put in the sleepless nights that come with it. I've told her that switching to FF won't necessarily get her sleeping better, since I think she's sleeping really well for a NB!! But, whatever.
As DH said, its her baby, its her choice. I know that very well, it just hurts so much that she doesn't get how easy she has it. She just doesn't seem to care.
As I said, very oversensitive vent. If anyone reads, thanks. I just had to get it out, coz I know I'm facing the same struggles for a 4th time & its hard to think about.
Last edited by ~clover~; June 23rd, 2010 at 10:53 AM.
Big hugs Its always hard when something seems to come easily to others that we want so desperately for ourselves. Good luck with bf #4 - you did an AWESOME job last time and know where to go for help if you need it!
I guess like you said, staring down the barrel of another BF journey about to start for you has raised alot of memories and also i guess some fears of not being able to do it again
BUT her decision to make the switch will have NO impact on your journey to BF xx thankfully you have time up your sleeve to distance yourself from her decision and reinforce your focus and confidence. you'll get there babe, from what you have described about your past BF experiences, you have alot going for you, determination, desire and now, more recently a successful BF experience
I too had major problems breastfeeding, and it broke my heart that a couple of girls who had babies around the same time had no problems what so ever. One decided to switch to formula out of simple convience, she felt she was to busy to do other 'stuff' to sit around and breastfeed. The other one decided drinking / her social life was far more important so she too switched.
Like you I know it is their choice, and I have tried to accept that.. but I can help but feel a bit bitter that they could but choose not too
~clover~ hun I know exactly how you feel. It is so frustrating when you have so many hurdles to overcome but push yourself through the pain and tears and then someone who gets things so easy just, put simply, cannot be bothered! It is so heartbreaking to see people who just dont care about things the same way that you do. Big big hun, by the sound of things you did an awesome job despite so many issues and are an amazing and beautiful person for caring and trying so hard with your babes.
clover. I feel it to for those mothers I know who tried so hard to bf and couldn't, for many reasons, to then have a lot of guilt over it. And then they are often lumped in with ffing mothers who didn't switch after such a tough battle and who don't understand the feelings of guilt and frustration that went along with the decision. I hope this time around your journey is smooth from the start. Have you joined an ABA group in your area? There's nothing like some IRL support before and after birth. Seeing your LC again is probably a good idea - before birth if you can.
I don't think there is an aba group close to me, but I have my hospital booking appointment next week, so I'll ask. There's sure to be one somewhere near here.
I'm not sure about the LC. Will ask that too. I spose if there's an aba group, there should be an LC, huh.
Will find all that out nex week. Thanks for the idea.
It's hard not to be oversensitive when you feel another person's decisions completely negate your own.
It's not the case. As some-one else said - her journey is not your journey. Her choices don't lessen what you have done and strive to do.
Don't be upset with your friend. Be upset at society. Your friend is a product of our society. From birth we have been sold the line that breastfeeding and bottle feeding are the same. "Breast is best.....but....." OK, a little better, but really not much. We've all heard the advice "Don't put yourself through it" "Just put her on the bottle'
If a woman has gotten to adulthood, borne a baby and doesn't understand the importance of breastfeeding, he choices must be respected. If we have an argument, it is with the "system" and that's what we need to work on.
I feel for you......I have two friends who frustrate me daily on the same sort of issue. But as Barb said it is society that is the problem. After reading between the lines of things they have said I think they both have had alot of pressure from family and friends to FF. One is quite young and seems to do everything her mother says and it seems her mother has 'encouraged' her to FF so that she can take the baby for whole weekends etc so she is now completely FFing and the other gets comments constantly from her mother about time to give up etc. She is still BFing but did try FFing because of the pressure. Now she is thinking of weaning because the baby is getting teeth and not sleeping well so she is getting pressured again. It is hard enough continuing to BF with problems without having family and friends harping on at you. BTW hugs to you!
Definetely agree with you both there, & thanks Barb for pointing that out.
I started to feel the odd one out after only about 6 months & started telling people I was still bfing. At 8 months I think was when mum said I was so lucky to be able to still be feeding him, as she couldn't either.
Then once we got a bit over 12 months it started. Mum, dad & DH. The only reason I was strong enough to keep going was coz all my friends locally had boys tha same age & they were still bfing too, so I had their support. When it's the norm & everyone else is doing it, its so much easier.
Thanks all xx
PS - I feel REALLY sure there would be an ABA group near you! Go the the website Australian Breastfeeding Association and go to the "find a group" feature"
I had so many issues trying to get DD to attach and after 3 months, 6 trips to the LC, a large period of (unrelated) anxiety and over 200 milk boosting tablets (trying to boost milk during unrelated anxiety). DD was slow to gain weight and my supply was more off then on. I can completely see your frustration with your friend as I had a friend declare she was 'over it' 4 months into VERY successful BFing. It's hard to feel like you failed and ppl that it comes so easily too basically take it for granted. Good job on getting the help you needed (finally someone pointed you in the direction) last child. At the end of the day you know you did your best for your child. I know it hurts when people take it for granted after yourself having such a bad run. I'm sure you're going to have a fantastic journey with #4 bub now that you know where the info is you need during issues.
Reply With QuoteIts always hard when something seems to come easily to others that we want so desperately for ourselves. Good luck with bf #4 - you did an AWESOME job last time and know where to go for help if you need it!
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Very over sensitive vent
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