I never expected this. What would you do?

**maybebaby2012** · January 21st, 2013, 04:34 PM

I truly wouldn't value a relationship with someone who couldn't accept me & my family just as we are.
Regardless, for her to have even considered this as an issue in amongst all of the other relevant things she could be worrying about suggests that maybe it is she who has the problem with breast feeding. The likelihood of those particular family members seeing this one specific person at the exact time they happened to be feeding, when they are supposed to be watching a wedding- not exactly a scenario that most people would have concocted in their head unless they themselves were wary of it. Maybe she pulled the 'it's my day' card to make a point that she otherwise wouldn't get away with.

**2CheekyMonkeys** · January 21st, 2013, 04:39 PM

I truly wouldn't value a relationship with someone who couldn't accept me & my family just as we are.

But it's not just the relationship between the original poster and this woman it's also about how it could change the relationship between the two brothers.

**Babyluv** · January 21st, 2013, 04:41 PM

Her email isn't polite in the slightest. She sounds very demanding and I agree sounds like she is being a bridezilla. As a Christian I hate hearing of ppl being discriminated against in Church. It is God's church and in my eyes God created our boobs for our babies and I guarantee he would encourage women to breastfeed wherever and whenever their babies needed to be fed. I probably wouldn't go if it were me or I would go but not discuss it with her any further and feed in the day how I normally feed. Like you said, you've bought a special dress for the day so no one will even know you're feeding anyway. The bride will be too busy to notice so just do what you do and feed bub when he needs to regardless of whether you're in the Church or reception!

**maybebaby2012** · January 21st, 2013, 04:41 PM

Sepata said her husband is equally ****ed & doesn't want to go. I think whether intentional or not, the SIL has already crossed that line.

**briggsy's girl** · January 21st, 2013, 04:42 PM

Complete lack of empathy and sensitivity, to me it sounded self serving and bossy. The sentence 'it's my special day' makes me want to upchuck. Reality check, it's your wedding day but you aren't a Disney princess!

yeah - and it's THEIR day - not just hers! Shes doing a good job of alienating her future in laws!!

and even if a birthday or christening doesn't carry the same "weight" as a wedding, the precedent of disrespect for the OP is being set - and if it's about how her rellies will perceive it, it will be the same issue at any event. this message should go the other way - "OP will likely be feeding her baby, he's only small, do the right thing and don't say anything out of respect for me - cos IT'S MY DAY afterall" - (and yes, i HAVE done this - i have been the one to pull my own family up and tell them i didn't give a flying fig about their opinion about a person or an action, out of respect for me - on our wedding day - could they pull their heads in for the day)

**2CheekyMonkeys** · January 21st, 2013, 04:47 PM

Ok. It is a very passionate issue. Just thought I'd offer an opinion. Let us know how you decide to approach it. Hope it goes well whatever you choose. :-)

**Joeve** · January 21st, 2013, 04:55 PM

Sepata asked what people would do. There is no right or wrong in terms of what someone would do. Just opinions

Sepata do what feels right for you.

***Ang*** · January 21st, 2013, 04:57 PM

I think their are some people here who need to get off their high horses and stop for a second and consider the position that the bride is in.

Consider how she must feel having to even ask this of her future SIL? She must have some ultra conservative people who she knows will get highly offended and upset if she has decided that this is the avenue she has to resort to. Imagine how she would feel on her wedding day when she is trying to relax and be happy if instead she had to be on edge and nervous that people were getting upset or even possibly angry about something. I know as a bride I wouldn't want that and I would want to minimise the possibility of this happening. She has done that in a discreet and reasonably polite manner. She hasn't shouted it from the rooftops, she hasn't gotten angry or made a scene, she has simple made a request and outlined her reasons behind it.

Get over it people.

Life is not just about breastfeeding. Your child and you will survive if for one day you have to cover up. Your family relationship if you don't may not.

**blessedatlast** · January 21st, 2013, 05:10 PM

Oh wow! I have no idea what I would do. My first thought was I wouldn't go, but upon thinking about it I would still go. It's just one day, maybe still go but I'd let her know that your not happy about it and you are doing this for HER and not for her precious family who you might offend...
What if babe is crying in the church and you have to get up and walk out during the ceremony? That would be more disruptive surely? Unless you are sitting right at the back.

I have BF in a chapel (not a church) at a wedding and TBH I didn't give it a second thought. It didn't even occur to me that some people might be offended. So whoops if anyone was. No one said anything.

**Calluna** · January 21st, 2013, 05:10 PM

This is a complete guess, but it may be that the debate in the media has stirred up the topic and one of her other family members brought it up while she was visiting recently and has made it clear they are strongly against it and she is concerned it will cause issues.
Can you imagine how you feel if there was a major argument in the middle of your wedding? I know Id be devistated.

As for her message, I am all for not covering up. I never could either. But I didnt take the message to be anything other than polite. Maybe some others are projecting just a little bit? Or maybe I am. I dont know. I can understand why Sepata would be upset but I dont think it was intended to be interpreted that way.

Absolutely tell her you arent happy about it and you will only be doing it this once and only because it is her wedding.

**~ Zarava Flutterby ~** · January 21st, 2013, 05:14 PM

Personally I would go & I would use a muslin wrap or walk away.
It is her day & it is something that not everyone is comfortable with.
She has made the effort to politely email you & ask you to do this for her.
Had you been there & she rudely told you to cover up then I would leave but that's not the case.
I breastfed at a wedding during the ceremony and no-one cared they even supplied a couch in the corner of the room to make it more comfortable for me.
But I was aware & willing to walk out should people not be comfortable.

**Phteven** · January 21st, 2013, 05:15 PM

If you hide away to feed this time you will be expected to hide away at the next family gathering and the next one and the next one and on it goes...
I would start the way you want to. PM her to tell her that you bought a new dress especially so that you could feed at the wedding and that you will decide how to feed based on your babies' needs as the day unfolds (if she has lots of annoying family needing to feed is a great excuse to duck off and hide for a while

)

**blessedatlast** · January 21st, 2013, 05:22 PM

If you hide away to feed this time you will be expected to hide away at the next family gathering and the next one and the next one and on it goes...
I would start the way you want to. PM her to tell her that you bought a new dress especially so that you could feed at the wedding and that you will decide how to feed based on your babies' needs as the day unfolds (if she has lots of annoying family needing to feed is a great excuse to duck off and hide for a while )

Good idea and true about starting the way you want to end.

**lealea89** · January 21st, 2013, 05:27 PM

I wouldn't go!!! That is so rude!! Tell her he won't take a bottle therefore you will have to feed him anyway. Tell her you always cover yourself up so nobody would see anyway and also say I hope you don't walk past a shop selling newspapers with page 3 girls with their boobs out!
I think that's really disgusting I wouldn't go in my opinion, awkward situation for you I hope you sort it xxxxxxx

**Phteven** · January 21st, 2013, 05:31 PM

Do you know which church it is?
Why not ring the pastor/priest/person in charge and ask them if they mind you breastfeeding (I have yet to encounter a priest who had issues with it although I guess there must be one somewhere). If they say it's fine you can message her and say it's ok because you've checked with the powers to be and they don't mind

**Calluna** · January 21st, 2013, 05:33 PM

Maybe you could ask her which people in particular it is so you can just avoid them. Added bonus is you will probably find out if it is actually someone else or her that has the problem.

**Kmn** · January 21st, 2013, 05:34 PM

I think it may be worthwhile pointing out the practicalities here - i.e. "I can try to cover up, but it will probably mean that bub will be much louder and more people will notice than if I just fed him in the usual way". And then put it back on her - i.e. "You want private feeding then find me somewhere private with a comfy chair". At least that way you will probably not wind up having to feed on uncomfy reception centre dinner-eating chairs.

At wedding receptions I took bub away to the foyer - not at all private, but people were just passing through rather than having to see boobs with their dinner (cause we hadn't a hope in hell of using a wrap). And of course that was where the comfy couches actually were. In a church I would probably also have used the foyer.

**maybebaby2012** · January 21st, 2013, 05:36 PM

This is a complete guess, but it may be that the debate in the media has stirred up the topic and one of her other family members brought it up while she was visiting recently and has made it clear they are strongly against it and she is concerned it will cause issues.
Can you imagine how you feel if there was a major argument in the middle of your wedding? I know Id be devistated.

As for her message, I am all for not covering up. I never could either. But I didnt take the message to be anything other than polite. Maybe some others are projecting just a little bit? Or maybe I am. I dont know. I can understand why Sepata would be upset but I dont think it was intended to be interpreted that way.

Absolutely tell her you arent happy about it and you will only be doing it this once and only because it is her wedding.

In response to the 'projecting' suggestion, I honestly don't think so. I thought about how I would approach a sensitive situation with someone I cared about and for a start it wouldn't be by email.
In addition I would let the other person know how I understood how what i was saying could make things difficult for them (empathy) and ultimately I would be super apologetic and acknowledge that for them to concede would be doing me a big favour, as opposed to the attitude of 'it's my day, so you should'.
I don't think 'it's nothing personal' really cuts it when you are hurting someone you care about, you let them know how much they are valued & how you don't want to upset them. The email lacked warmth that I would expect when dealing with a sensitive subject with someone I valued.