I never expected this. What would you do?

**sepata** · January 21st, 2013, 03:22 PM

So my BIL is getting married in a month to someone he has known for approximately 9 or so months now. She's a nice girl, we get a long. I just received a super long FB message from her, of which the relevant part says:

" I feel that I should let you know in advance that my family are an older crowd and are quite conservative.
Based on this I have one request of you on my wedding day, which is a very special day for me and a lot of people very dear to me, that when you breast feed Isaiah that you please DO NOT do so inside the church or in any photos. In every other circumstance can you please use a shawl.
It is nothing personal. I fully respect your personal decisions, but on my special day I ask you respect my wishes."

I'm ****ed. It's her wedding, I get that, and I wouldn't have fed him in the photos anyway. However, I have no issue feeding in a church (I regularly do it at my own) and wouldn't have thought twice about feeding in the reception. I am not using a cover. Is it rude for me to reply along the lines of 'thanks for letting me know how you feel, I will leave the church/reception when I need to feed Isaiah'.

I'm so ticked. I deliberately bought a new dress that I can feed easily and modestly in, specifically for her wedding, what's the point of spending that money now? I could just wear whatever the hell I want, screw it if I have to show more than I'd like because it doesn't matter anyway now that I'll be banished out the back to feed.

If I didn't like her I'd stage a nurse in at the ceremony lol

**Rouge** · January 21st, 2013, 03:28 PM

Wow. I guess this is also a side effect of what's happened lately. People are going to think they have a right to get on their high horses in opposition when they don't.

Sadly reminds me of so many other times like this in history

I wouldn't go. Simple. But that's me. I'm highly offended for you. And down right angry.

**briggsy's girl** · January 21st, 2013, 04:13 PM

Wow. I guess this is also a side effect of what's happened lately. People are going to think they have a right to get on their high horses in opposition when they don't.

Sadly reminds me of so many other times like this in history

I wouldn't go. Simple. But that's me. I'm highly offended for you. And down right angry.

I'm with Rouge - i wouldn't go. It's not "just one day" - it may be their wedding day, but it's your life, it's your sons life. it's not like you're going to go and sit on the alter and flop it out (no matter what Kochie seems to think!), you're simply going to feed your son IF he needs to be fed. you're going to comfort him so that you can be part of a wonderful family event and not scream the church down! or the reception! Not to mention if you do it "just this once" it will be expected of you every time there are family events you are all invited to - future baptisms, childrens birthday parties etc - you've done it once for the "older, conservative" relatives to make life easy for them, so you should do it every time....

it's a load of crap being asked to cover up - this is the sort of thing that encourages the likes of Kochie and his minions - that makes them think it's ok to discriminate against someone! and i'm saddened that BB members are encouraging you to just roll with it.

It's ultimately your call. if you want to feed in the church, do it. if you want to feed without a cover, DO IT. Personally, i would. not to make a point or to be in anyones face, but because you're going to the wedding to be AT THE WEDDING, not hiding outside. and i could never feed with a cover. ever. DD hated it and wouldn't attach.

if it were me, i'd reply with something like "i understand your older rellies may not be comfortable with breast feeding, but given I have no choice but to feed him, I don't believe it's reasonable for me to be expected to walk away and hide for the comfort of others - we are coming to your wedding to be AT your wedding. there is little point attending if i'm going to be expected to be outside away from the celebrations whenever Mr I needs to be fed because you're scared some older rellies may get their nose out of joint (and lets not forget it's illegal to expect it of anyone - i'm sure the media hoo ha lately has made that bit clear). i have no issue walking to the rear of the church, or even outside, if Mr I is making noise that is disturbing your ceremony, but given having him feed from me is no different, in what you can see, than holding him while he naps, no, i won't hide him, i won't leave. i'm not meaning to make life difficult for you, as i'm sure you're not trying to make it difficult for me, but i must say that you putting the perceived feelings of your older, conservative, relatives, over the realistic hurt you have caused me with the message you have sent."

FWIW - i have BF in church for "events" more than once. The most supportive people were the people I was concerned would think it was rude or inappropriate - the more conservative religious people! the "older" generation (our grandparents generation) are definitely more accepting of BF the generations that followed them (our parents and younger) - simply because it's all they knew!

**Rouge** · January 21st, 2013, 04:19 PM

Just like I would tell someone to shut up if they were racist, or sexist or homophobic I would be doing the same thing here. And for me I think it sends the wrong message if I were to say one thing, and then turn around and comply with this after the fact. Fear and causing upset is the reason it's 2013 and people still think a baby is performing an adult act when they feed. 2013!!! It's ridiculous. So yes to me it is more than just one day, it is about the future. For everyone. And yes taking a stand at a family event may not seem right to many. But to me that's the most important place to take it because they are the people that mean a lot to me. And in years to come this type of discrimination is seen as simply that... discrimination... they will have to own how they behaved. As will everyone. It's a shame as humans we make the same mistakes over and over again and never learn from.

**Artechim** · January 21st, 2013, 03:29 PM

It is just one day, she has tried to phrase it as politely as possible. Sounds like she doesn't have any issues with it herself at all and is just trying to avoid a scene on her special day. One of her oldies probably has a bee in their bonnet about BF inside churches.

Let it roll off you and have a fun day.

**Joeve** · January 21st, 2013, 03:34 PM

It is just one day, she has tried to phrase it as politely as possible. Sounds like she doesn't have any issues with it herself at all and is just trying to avoid a scene on her special day. One of her oldies probably has a bee in their bonnet about BF inside churches.

Let it roll off you and have a fun day.

Yes I agree.
Just roll with it

**FabFiona** · January 21st, 2013, 03:34 PM

Is this your husbands brother and his partner? What does your husband think?

***Ang*** · January 21st, 2013, 03:42 PM

It is just one day, she has tried to phrase it as politely as possible. Sounds like she doesn't have any issues with it herself at all and is just trying to avoid a scene on her special day. One of her oldies probably has a bee in their bonnet about BF inside churches.

Let it roll off you and have a fun day.

Have to agree here. Don't let it spoil your potential life time relationship by not showing up or leaving early to make a point of it.

**sepata** · January 21st, 2013, 03:53 PM

Is this your husbands brother and his partner? What does your husband think?

He's ****ed. His first reaction when I told him was "we're not going". I told him not to be so hasty and we'll talk about it.

I think I'm mostly disappointed because I've always been happy that I didn't have a family who did this sort of thing, and didn't care about breast feeding around others. I've always been thankful that my family didn't make things difficult and were always supportive. And now I've been made to feel almost like an outsider and that hurts.

**Mrs O'M** · January 21st, 2013, 04:09 PM

I think I'm mostly disappointed because I've always been happy that I didn't have a family who did this sort of thing, and didn't care about breast feeding around others. I've always been thankful that my family didn't make things difficult and were always supportive. And now I've been made to feel almost like an outsider and that hurts.

Well, YOU still have an amazing supportive family, I guess you should perhaps feel sorry for her that she does not share in your good fortune.

I would feel sorry for her to think that she needed to say something like that to you, I would guess if she was really comfy with breastfeeding that may have been quite awkward for her to say, especially as she is joining your family. She would be I assume trying to ruffle as few feathers as possible and has gone about it probably in the wrong way.

**blessedatlast** · January 21st, 2013, 05:10 PM

Oh wow! I have no idea what I would do. My first thought was I wouldn't go, but upon thinking about it I would still go. It's just one day, maybe still go but I'd let her know that your not happy about it and you are doing this for HER and not for her precious family who you might offend...
What if babe is crying in the church and you have to get up and walk out during the ceremony? That would be more disruptive surely? Unless you are sitting right at the back.

I have BF in a chapel (not a church) at a wedding and TBH I didn't give it a second thought. It didn't even occur to me that some people might be offended. So whoops if anyone was. No one said anything.

**Sopdet** · January 21st, 2013, 07:13 PM

Firstly, what religion is she?

I have been to family weddings, in certain churches/synagogues, where a certain level of covering is expected, and as a mark of respect not only to the people but to their belief system, we have worn that level of cover, even if we did change for the reception. Same as in a court of law, I'd not eat or drink and if I was BF a bub, I would go outside, it is all about respect.

I have sat near the doors with babes in arms and when they have started to grizzle for a feed, I've slipped outside to feed them, not BF but FF kids, but out of respect to the event.

If the wedding seating is being done traditionally, you won't even be sitting on the same side of the church as her family. So if you're going to ignore her request, then her family wouldn't see it anyway.

**Jennifer13** · January 22nd, 2013, 11:35 AM

He's ****ed. His first reaction when I told him was "we're not going". I told him not to be so hasty and we'll talk about it.

I think I'm mostly disappointed because I've always been happy that I didn't have a family who did this sort of thing, and didn't care about breast feeding around others. I've always been thankful that my family didn't make things difficult and were always supportive. And now I've been made to feel almost like an outsider and that hurts.

Oh sepata, how sad she's decided to make an issue out of something like this.

FWIW, she has no right to ask you not to bf in the church or anywhere else for that matter, or to request that you cover up. She could have put her request a lot better, something along the lines of: "By the way, just so you know, I have some very conservative older members in my family who might get their noses out of joint if they see you bfing. Just warning you in advance so you aren't upset if they say something to you."

As for bfing in photos...

I would ever so politely reply:

"Thanks for letting me know about your family's prejudices around breastfeeding. As you're probably aware, given all the debate that's going on at the moment, Isaiah and I are legally entitled to breastfeed wherever we like, including within the church itself (which we have done before in other churches without incident). No one is allowed to ask us to stop breastfeeding or move. I can't say that I won't breastfeed him in the church, because I'd prefer that he not disturb anyone by crying loudly and none of us want to miss your special moments. It's highly unlikely anyone will be watching us anyway, given how beautiful I'm sure you'll look! And unfortunately, Isaiah refuses to feed under a shawl and will scream quite loudly if I try!

I will of course, not breastfeed in your photos, since it's the way you'd like to remember your special day. Although I would think it's very unlikely that your photographer will take pictures of the two of us feeding.

[DH} and I have discussed this at length and are both in agreement on what I've said here. We are both very much looking forward to your wedding day. I hope what I've explained puts your mind at rest."

I really think her request is out of line. If she's included babies or young children in the invitation, then she should have expected they'd need to feed. And I'm sure she isn't sending the same request to bottle feeding mothers.

I would be cross, but it's really just a sign of her discomfort with both her family and breastfeeding. You might want to point out that he's unlikely to want to bf more than once or twice during the day, if that's the case. If not, she can lump it.

Ruin her special day by breastfeeding, give me a break.

**Livinthedream** · January 22nd, 2013, 11:55 AM

You are taking an 18 month old boy to a wedding ceremony.
There is a pretty good chance you will be spending a portion of the ceremony outside with him running around on the grass with the other toddlers who are attending. (My experience, anyway)
Unless he is asleep and then feeding won't really be an issue.
I can understand that you are ****ed at her request and that's fair enough, but do you really want to make an issue of something that may well not eventuate?
Hope you get it sorted.

**Diamond75** · January 22nd, 2013, 03:36 PM

I can understand both sides of this.

The problem with "fb msgs / texting" is when we put in words our feelings they are open for misinterpretation. Pick up the phone and talk to her or even better get together for a chat.

There is no point stressing on this when it can be resolved with a phone call (even if that means you choose not to go).

**Three Graces** · January 22nd, 2013, 06:21 PM

If she's so worried about others' perceptions, then she's living her life in quite a restrained way. I know it's easier said than done, but maybe instead of going to hurt/annoyed/angry/offended, maybe decide that your way of living (i.e., feeling free to breastfeed in public and not care what others think) is a much better way of living. Think about it: she has gone to quite a length (and potentially strained her r/ship with you) just to avoid the potentially negative views of some of her relatives. Wow! She needs to start living her life how she wants to and not be so wrapped up about what others may or may not think. This will affect her when/if she has children and probably won't b/f herself, b/c of her family's views. It's her hang up, not yours. I wouldn't even enter into it, just attend and go with the flow, what happens, happens. She'll be too wrapped up in the whole day to notice when you breastfeed.