I never expected this. What would you do?

[sushee]

And again, lets consider life in general - how many times are we asked to do things that we are not 100% happy with but we comply anyway - whether it be in a work, family, school or social situation? This is no different. Life doesn't always revolve around you.

Nor does it revolve around your opinion of what's right. I'm pretty sure the OP wouldn't have posted if it didn't upset her. I don't hear you sympathising with her, but with the bride.

And sure you can do something you don't want to. We all do it, right? Except maybe this time she doesn't want to suck it up. I don't understand how your opinion is more valid than hers.

If she wanted to 'suck it up' I daresay she probably wouldn't have posted in the first place.

And yes I do take issue to anyone saying she should comply 'for the sake of peace' or whatever. Honestly how is that different someone telling her to 'wear a shawl' all the time, or leave the room or be discreet? After all, it's only a small thing, right? Doing something you don't want to do? To keep the peace?

Me, I'd rather tell the bride I'm sorry she feels that way and I'm not coming than tell a nursing mother to 'suck it up'.

[AlligatorsMum]

I think its difficult to answer when to me it would depend on how good a relationship I had with the girl. I would probably think if my toddler "needed" a feed at any point it would be a lot easier to take him away from the distraction for a quick feed rather than doing it around a lot of commotion and excitement!
I'd probably answer to the general gist of 'I will def keep this in mind but if he is getting very worked up and upset I will need to feed him and he doesn't always oblige with keeping the cover over him.'

But I agree with Ang - as she keeps pointing out this isn't a baby who is feeding every three hours. It's a toddler who I would think could go a few hours without having a bf?

I love BF my son but I guess I'm not that passiont about Bf rights? (if thats the right way to explain it) and I wouldn't miss a family members wedding because of it?

[Floweryfields]

Sushee the OP asked for opinions - opinions vary -I don't think it's about taking the side of the OP or the bride. I don't see differing opinions as attacking someone but just offering an honest view of how you feel about it.

[*Ang*]

Sushee you are absolutely right, in this instance I am not sympathising with the OP because I really think she is making a bigger deal of this then is necessary. And if the OP did not want all different opinions she shouldn't have posted. I believe she asked what to do, and I, like a number of others, have suggested complying with her request.

I politely suggest that it is you and other posters who also believe that that their opinion is right and mine is wrong - as you yourself said

Nor does it revolve around your opinion of what's right

.

[LuluHB]

Just throwing it out there, but do you think there's a chance she made this request in the hope that you would think it was all too hard, and so not bring your DS at all? Maybe her end goal is no kids rather than no breastfeeding, but she really had no idea how to ask you that (as opposed to her horribly botched attempt anyway)

I do believe that a bride (and groom, but lets face it - they don't tend to care) gets to be a bit selfish on her wedding day, but I don't believe she has a right to tell you how and when to feed your child. I would be discussing it with her - not fb, txt, email - and tell her you respect her right to make requests for her wedding, but she needs to respect your right to not comply so she either accepts that or your apology for her wedding

[sepata]

Thank you very much everyone for sharing your opinions!

I agree that I don't want to set a precedent for future gatherings where I could be expected to hide away.

Ds is still very much breast fed on demand, other foods don't placate him when he wants milk, he will just take whatever it is and throw it. He can occasionally be distracted with water, but that only gives me about 5 mins peace. He is a total booby boy at this point in his little life, so unfortunately feeding before we go in or offering something else to eat during the ceremony most likely wont work.

I'm inclined to go, and sit on the wall side of a pew towards the back so if he does at some point want to feed, I can do so and most likely be overlooked by everyone. He will not feed under a cover, he hates anything covering his face or head so that won't work during the reception. I like the idea of putting it back on her and telling her to organise a comfortable room with access to food and water that I can feed him in.

I agree that she has approached this very selfishly and inconsiderately. I particularly hate the 'DO NOT' in capitals as I read that to be an order and not a polite request.

I'm going to sleep on it before replying, I don't want to say anything too emotionally charged that could potentially make things worse. I'm still so super ****ed beyond words though.

[sepata]

Just throwing it out there, but do you think there's a chance she made this request in the hope that you would think it was all too hard, and so not bring your DS at all? Maybe her end goal is no kids rather than no breastfeeding, but she really had no idea how to ask you that (as opposed to her horribly botched attempt anyway)

Actually, possibly. I know she has a niece and nephew on her side but they are older children. I know last year I had a huge issue with a family member saying des wasn't invited to their wedding (he was 8mo at the time from memory) and BIL knows all about that, so may have said that she can't ask for us not to bring him...

[Babyluv]

Just do what you feel is right for you and your bubba. Good luck

[sushee]

Sushee you are absolutely right, in this instance I am not sympathising with the OP because I really think she is making a bigger deal of this then is necessary. And if the OP did not want all different opinions she shouldn't have posted. I believe she asked what to do, and I, like a number of others, have suggested complying with her request.

I politely suggest that it is you and other posters who also believe that that their opinion is right and mine is wrong - as you yourself said .

You didn't 'suggest' she comply with the request, you actually say that you think she's making a bigger deal than you think is necessary. I don't think it's as small a deal as you insinuate. But in the end, it's the OP's call and her decision.

And in as much as you feel like you have a right to post an opinion on this, I have a right to dispute your opinion. Which is what I'm doing. I absolutely believe that you are wrong. I'm not even trying to pretend otherwise. The OP may or may not, but I am not on the fence about it. And that's my opinion.

[Liz]

I'm inclined to think she's had some vocal relatives regarding what's in the media atm. Unfortunately she's put it onto you instead of them. She should be saying to those stuffy relatives that THEY'D better not ruin her special day by being rude if anyone breast feeds at her wedding! It is not to up to you to cater for them, they need to control their behaviour at the wedding.

I think I would be contacting her and asking her if someone has said something about breast feeding to make her request that. Explain that unfortunately it just doesn't work like that.. bub won't feed covered etc. Let her know that feeding really isn't a big deal.. it's not a big display.. It is naturally quite discreet. Tell her you're not responsible for how her family behaves and that she needs to take that up with them.

Good idea to sleep on it.

[Teeki]

I find her message incredibly rude, I was shocked when I read it and my initial thought was "hell no, I would NOT be going!". Now I've read all the responses and I agree with every previous poster who has said that if you cover up now, it will be expected in future.

The other thing I'm thinking, is that she either doesn't want to see you breastfeeding there herself, or she's assumed some of her family won't like it. Because the other option is that she has actually had someone say to her "Hey, at your wedding ('on her special day'), just in case any of your guests will be breastfeeding, I'm going to need them to cover up or get out. Cos yanno, I won't be watching you get married, I'll have to be looking at boobs and stuff". If it really is that last option, I would hope any young woman would be able to stand up to that person and tell them to get stuffed.

So, after taking a few deep breaths, I'd call her. I'd explain that right now, you and your DS are a package deal, and you've both been invited. Your DS breastfeeds as per WHO recommendations. He's 18 months old and he hasn't yet learnt to wait until after an event before he can get the milk he's asking for (probably loudly!). He's also interested in the world around him and likes to see what's going on and breathe easily while he's drinking. You've considered this 'issue' prior to this message, and bought a dress specifically so that feeding is easy and barely noticeable. Feeding him when he needs it will generally be quiet, show nothing to anyone who doesn't have their face in your dress, and will largely go unnoticed - compared to DS getting grumpy at being made to wait or having his head covered. If she'd like you and DS at her wedding you'd like her to respect your rights as breastfeeding mother and child not to be discriminated against (and maybe mention the law here!).

That's what I'd say anyway. I'd say that to either DHs sister or my brothers girlfriend, both of whom I love. I'd also tell her that her wedding day will be one of the best and busiest days of her life so far. She's not going to notice me breastfeeding and if anyone dares come up to her on the day to complain and ruin things for her I'd love to put them in their place myself to let her get on with marrying her new husband.

[Heaven]

I would be majorly ****ed off. I really don't care whose wedding it is, to tell someone what they are able to do with their body and baby and when is ridiculous. You breastfeeding your baby has nothing to do with her. I fail to see how this is any different to what Kochie said. You can't ask a BF mother not to do it, or to cover up so why is this ok?

If it were me I would say 'I'm sorry you/your family have an issue with breastfeeding but that has nothing to do with me. I will feed my child whenever and wherever I deem necessary. I doubt that will impact your day at all because no one will even be likely to notice. It would draw more attention if I tried to put a cover over my child's head while he had a tantrum trying to kick it off.'

Or maybe I would just sit in the church with my child and let them cry if that was preferable, LOL (joking).

And breastfeeding in church, wtf has that got to do with it? How do they think Jesus was fed? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syCHY...layer_embedded

[PumpkinZulu]

Judging by her message, I believe she's using 'older relatives' as a cover for her not wanting you to BF a toddler at her wedding. I'd go as far as to say I'd bet this message would never have been written if your son was a newborn. Which, really, says a lot about her as a person if that's the case.

[misty]

Personally, I would either follow one of two options. 1) completely ignore the email and pretend you never read it. Continuing to behave in regards to breastfeeding as per the normal.
2) write a response along the lines of ' I appreciate the awkward position you may feel you are in, between a mothers legal right to breastfeed and your apparantly not so open minded relatives. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt in assuming that someone 'must' have already said something for you to dare hurt me in the manner in which you have. Breastfeeding is not 'optional' for me. It is part and parcel if the package. You either trust me to feed as i need to feed in a manner to which my baby us accustomed, or you do not. You cannot impose restrictions on how i may or may not do so, unless you are imposing restrictions on all your guests as to how they might breath and eat or talk. I would not wish to upset your day, I will humbly allow you the decision of my attendance, if you feel you cannot accept mine and my baby's prescience then that is your decision."

[Sopdet]

Firstly, what religion is she?

I have been to family weddings, in certain churches/synagogues, where a certain level of covering is expected, and as a mark of respect not only to the people but to their belief system, we have worn that level of cover, even if we did change for the reception. Same as in a court of law, I'd not eat or drink and if I was BF a bub, I would go outside, it is all about respect.

I have sat near the doors with babes in arms and when they have started to grizzle for a feed, I've slipped outside to feed them, not BF but FF kids, but out of respect to the event.

If the wedding seating is being done traditionally, you won't even be sitting on the same side of the church as her family. So if you're going to ignore her request, then her family wouldn't see it anyway.

[sangie]

What would I do? I wouldn't miss a family wedding, particularly when it's such close family. But I would not let anyone dictate how and when I feed my child. I don't care if your a bride or the pope or whatever, if my child is hungry then I will feed him/her. Having said that I wouldn't feed up on the altar (although kochie probably thinks I want to) but would probably feed discreetly towards the back of the chapel/church. I'd probably hang up the back even if I didn't need to feed in case my child was a bit noisy so as not to disturb the ceremony.

I wonder if the same request would have been made if your DS was a newborn? Maybe because he is a toddler she thinks that he is too old to be bfing? My IL's used to drive me nuts by saying its 'gross' to bf a toddler and that if they can ask for it then they are too old blah blah blah.

Anyway good luck with whatever you decide x

[misty]

You could always get your DH to take up the issue with your BIL too. Explain how hurt and upset you are and how you both even considered not attending. But that depends on how good they are talking.

[Rouge]

Oh gosh. There is no way you can possibly cover a toddlers head whilst they are feeding! They'd damn near throw a tantrum. And so they should. I didn't realise bub was a toddler. In which case goodluck to the family... they're more likely to have everyone know you are feeding by any reaction your beautiful boy will have to being covered up.

I'd be sending them an email to say that. That you will feed your child, and sure you'll attempt to cover him with a "shawl" but chances are he's going to throw it off, complain and draw more attention than if you were to sit there and feed him as you should be rightly allowed to.