I never expected this. What would you do?

[misty]

She's catholic and the ceremony is in a Catholic Church. The reception, however, is in a hotel function room.

I agree with talking to her face to face - as nervous as I may be to do it!!

As a catholic I can honestly say that the church fully supports breastfeeding. I personally have had various different priests and bishops from different parishes come up to me after services and tell me how fabulous it has been to see me breastfeeding during the service.

[*EJ*]

It's so tough and i feel for you, along with being ****ed off i'd be really hurt also.

I think it calls for you to be the bigger/more mature person and communicate with her face to face. I found the amount of times she mentioned 'her speical day' a little tiring... how old is she??? She sounds a little immiture in my opinion. If it was me i wouldn't want to ruin any future relationship but at the same time she needs to know that it was an extremely offensive request... and on Facebook?!?! I'd still want to go and i'd still feed my child when and where necessary, not to offend anyone and as a bit a 'stuff you all' gesture but as a he's my baby, he needs to be fed and i will not deny him of that to suit others.

I was in a similarish sitution a few years ago where i was invited to a Baby Shower (of my brothers girlfriend "ex girlfriend" now) and the invitation had on it that no 'babies or children' were allowed!! I found this extremely offensive and i was really hurt. At the time my son was about 10 months old and i probably wouldn't have taken him anyway, he would have been fine to spend a few hours with his dad but the fact that i was told in no uncertain terms ****ed me right off. THEN a few days before the Baby Shower i got a text message from the girl who was her 'planner' and was reminded that 'strictly no babies or children allowed'!! They got a not so nice text message in return to that, i'm not a confrontational person but that pushed my mummy button just a little too much. I went and i didn't take him but to this day i'm still so offended by the whole situation.

When someone begins to think that they can tell a mother when and where they can feed their baby and when and where they are allowed to go somewhere than you've over stepping the mark. Does this woman think she might breastfeed one day? How would she feel if she was in the reverse here? I hope for her sake she's not pressured into anything because of her 'old fashioned' family members.

We went to a wedding when my daugher was about 6 months old and i fed her during the service, partly because she wanted it but partly because i knew she'd be quiet and not disturb the occasion. And i fed her throughout the night whenever she pleased and the thought of possibly offending someone never entered my mind.

Good luck in how you approach this, it's not fair and it shouldn't have had to come to this. Just openly communicate with her, don't let her know how ****ed off you are maybe but don't back down if you feel it's not a request you want to comply with. You can handle this with grace, i think there's a good lesson to be learnt here.

Hugs xo

[misty]

I am not personally catholic, but most of one side of my family is. General rule is not even exposed shoulders or knees....
Could the priest have outlined restrictions?

Never been my experience with any of the numerous catholic churches I have attended over the years.

[Sopdet]

I am not personally catholic, but most of one side of my family is. General rule is not even exposed shoulders or knees....
Could the priest have outlined restrictions?

I've gone to full-on "high" catholic ceremonies and I've worn a veil and pretty much been covered neck to ankles, I was fully covered going to mass at the Vatican, including my tattoos. Same as going to family Jewish events, I've sat with the women (again hiding tattoos), properly attired. My x is Greek Orthodox, there is no way I'd have walked into church with his family without being properly covered (if it was applicable). This was why I was asking about religion.

[MantaRay]

I'm sorry but what she is asking is not only illegal, it really is downright rude and unreasonable. I would be unable to go as my babies would not have fed under a shawl. And what if baby is hungry in the church - are you supposed to walk out with a crying baby instead of feeding it before it cries? I would have to reply and let her know that it's not possible for me to do what she asks, that is in fact illegal for her to ask that, and then offer to not go if that would be her preferred option. Which again is really still discrimination and wrong but for family peace worth it.

We went to a church service before DS1 was christened to meet the priest. DS needed a feed so I fed him right there in the church. Little did I know that just as I started feeding, they had a walk around and greet people thing happening and the priest, seeing as there as newbies came straight over. He distracted DS he pulled off and I was so embarrassed (DS was very young and I wasn't as experienced with feeding in public as I am now). But the priest just smiled and commented on how lovely it was to see him feeding so happily in church. So I think you can probably rule out the church rule thing. Which would still be illegal.

[sepata]

DH said he wants to talk to his bro about it "probably in the next week or so". I told him I don't want it to remain unresolved for that long and I'm trying to get him to call his brother earlier than that!

Unfortunately I can't pretend I didn't get the message because Facebook does that totally stalky thing now where it tells you when someone read your message. Otherwise, I definitely would've done that.

After sleeping on it I think I'm going to go back to her and explain that her request is unreasonable, and she can make a decision about whether I'll be attending the wedding. If she didn't want to deal with decisions like that, she shouldn't have raised the issue in the first place IMO. Yes I know I risk her turning around and saying 'don't come' but I would rather be comfortable and not there than uncomfortable at the wedding.

[wysiwyg]

I was going to say about Facebook telling you if message has been read. I do think your DH talking to his brother about it is a good idea, but like you say the earlier the better.

I am the same as you I would rather be comfortable and not there than uncomfortable.

I really think it is the strangest thing - in a church normally everyone is forward facing so apart from those sitting next to you (which I assume wouldn't be her older conservative relatives (not that breastfeeding is not conservative) wouldn't even know - and at the reception wouldn't you normally be sat with your family anyway - the request is rude and unreasonable but also there is so little logic behind it.

[Ginger]

I think she should be more worried about relatives getting blind drunk and dancing naked on the tables than people breastfeeding. I've definitely noticed much more of that at weddings recently than mothers breastfeeding.

[kitten2b]

Hope your partner talks to your BIL sooner than later.

[Traveller]

I agree with the majority here, her request is rude and unreasonable and in your shoes I would be saying that my presence involved the presence of a breastfeeding child which meant breastfeeding would happen. No feeding in the church is ridiculous. Only once have I been approached by a minister or priest about breastfeeding and it was when DS1 was 4 months old and my minister discovered I had been expressing and bottle feeding in church when I normally breastfeed. She made it very clearly that church is for everyone and breasts are for feeding, and if anyone had a problem I should refer them to her. I <3 that minister

[nickle730]

Different can of worms, but I don't have a problem with couples who request no children at a wedding. This couple have obviously included children (which is lovely) so as far as I am concerned they need to accept that a BF child will be BF at the wedding. I do find it offensive that the bride - or anyone else - is telling you how, when or where you can BF.

I don't know your DH, but I know I would prefer to respond to the email myself rather than have my DH deal with it. Maybe your DH is better at dealing with these issues than mine is! I would call the bride and very politely tell her that you are somewhat offended by her email and that whilst you understand some of her family are 'conservative' and as such you will be discreet in your feeding ( I'd mention the new dress here), you are not able to cover your DS and you can't predict where you will be when he requires a feed. I would also have to say something about not feeding in church and point out that god made breasts for feeding babies and you are sure he won't be offended. I would finish by telling her that if she does not wish for you to attend the wedding, understanding that you will BF and others may notice, then you will stay home. The ball is back in her court!

I would try to approach her in a very reasonable manner. I think if you speak to someone driven by anger or distress it is far more difficult to express your point of view. Good luck, I hope you can sort out an understanding of each others views and all enjoy the day!

[~Raven~]

I think she should be more worried about relatives getting blind drunk and dancing naked on the tables than people breastfeeding. I've definitely noticed much more of that at weddings recently than mothers breastfeeding.

Oh yeah the things I've seen at weddings that unfortunatley cannot be unseen Baby on breast pales in comparison!

[fionas]

As the child of very conservative, uptight people I can understand where she's coming from. My parents are hideously embarrassed by almost anything. If people start kissing on TV, the biscuits get passed around. My sister was scared to tell them she was pregnant because it was an admission that she was having sex. With her husband. She was 35. I worry that my potty-mouthed friends might swear around them. I worry about how to tell them that my children's guardians (incase of mine and DP's death) are lesbians. I would also worry if my friends were breastfeeding even though I'm pro-breastfeeding.

She may have parents/relatives like these and believe that it's her job to 'protect' them from anything that might offend them. Logically, that's ridiculous but emotions aren't logical.

If I was put in that situation, being able to see both sides, I would most likely go along with her wishes. It's one day and I could accept that.

But this isn't about what I would do, it's about you. So I guess in your situation, I would try to have a really calm talk with her and maybe dig a bit more and see if you can find a better compromise. Start by sympathising that she's caught between a rock and a hard place. Because it sounds like she is.

[mummajj]

I would be offended also. But I would comply with her wishes for her day, but by no means comply any other time u r around that family. You don't want to always feel like u need to cover up when ur around them.

[Eenee]

I wouldn't go, wow how rude

[Onelittleprincess]

I'd go. But I'd try and sit down before and come to a compromise. Say you are upset by how she approached you and would have preferred she had come to speak to you. Your happy to abide by her wishes on this one occasion however you don't want to miss the vows so if its ok you'll move to the back of the church and out of sight. And if she could ask the reception for a comfy area to feed.

[Floweryfields]

I think she should be more worried about relatives getting blind drunk and dancing naked on the tables than people breastfeeding. I've definitely noticed much more of that at weddings recently than mothers breastfeeding.

Or the dodgy best man speech that's quite often crude! Or the risk of bad language - those would be more insulting I would think, to a conservative person than breastfeeding.

[Jennifer13]

He's ****ed. His first reaction when I told him was "we're not going". I told him not to be so hasty and we'll talk about it.

I think I'm mostly disappointed because I've always been happy that I didn't have a family who did this sort of thing, and didn't care about breast feeding around others. I've always been thankful that my family didn't make things difficult and were always supportive. And now I've been made to feel almost like an outsider and that hurts.

Oh sepata, how sad she's decided to make an issue out of something like this.

FWIW, she has no right to ask you not to bf in the church or anywhere else for that matter, or to request that you cover up. She could have put her request a lot better, something along the lines of: "By the way, just so you know, I have some very conservative older members in my family who might get their noses out of joint if they see you bfing. Just warning you in advance so you aren't upset if they say something to you."

As for bfing in photos...

I would ever so politely reply:

"Thanks for letting me know about your family's prejudices around breastfeeding. As you're probably aware, given all the debate that's going on at the moment, Isaiah and I are legally entitled to breastfeed wherever we like, including within the church itself (which we have done before in other churches without incident). No one is allowed to ask us to stop breastfeeding or move. I can't say that I won't breastfeed him in the church, because I'd prefer that he not disturb anyone by crying loudly and none of us want to miss your special moments. It's highly unlikely anyone will be watching us anyway, given how beautiful I'm sure you'll look! And unfortunately, Isaiah refuses to feed under a shawl and will scream quite loudly if I try!

I will of course, not breastfeed in your photos, since it's the way you'd like to remember your special day. Although I would think it's very unlikely that your photographer will take pictures of the two of us feeding.

[DH} and I have discussed this at length and are both in agreement on what I've said here. We are both very much looking forward to your wedding day. I hope what I've explained puts your mind at rest."

I really think her request is out of line. If she's included babies or young children in the invitation, then she should have expected they'd need to feed. And I'm sure she isn't sending the same request to bottle feeding mothers.

I would be cross, but it's really just a sign of her discomfort with both her family and breastfeeding. You might want to point out that he's unlikely to want to bf more than once or twice during the day, if that's the case. If not, she can lump it.

Ruin her special day by breastfeeding, give me a break.