A couple of the girls over in the exclusive expressing thread were asking about my story. I realised it is kind of encouraging for those having troubles, especially in the early days, so I thought I'd chronicle it here in case it helps someone.
My 'natural, active, drug-free labour' became an induced labour at 12 days over and ended with an emergency c-section. Bummer.
Breastfeeding seemed ok at the beginning, and we were right on track to go home. However it emerged DH had lost more than 10% of his birthweight so suddenly my breasts were under the spotlight! Lots of midwives, nurses and the hospital LC tried helping, and we came to the conclusion that the only time feeding was effective was when I was in significant pain. The hospital put me on the Medela Symphony and I was advised to go home and hire a pump.
I was still in pain when expressing (at the very beginning I would cry through the session), but it was better than breastfeeding. Not to mention the pain I was in recovering from the c-section. I really felt like I didn't have a clue what I was doing, so turned to my trusty friend Google. I tried emailing the ABA, but got no response which kind of turned me off (I have subsequently called them and found them to be fantastic - just goes to show you should call rather than email when something is important!). I found a great thread on here about exclusive expressing, and I found some other US-based forums with heaps of people who exclusively express (or exclusively pump as they call it). Despite the many hours of research I put in, I was as confused as ever about things like pump part size, frequency of pumping, how much I should be getting, how much to give my baby. I also talked to my local clinic and they did their best to help me.
Little by little I got my head around what I had to do. I swapped the chlorine sterilising solution for an electric one, which saved my poor nose being irritated. I bought BPA-free bottles and I started my freezer store. I eventually learnt I didn't have to sterilise the pump parts every expressing, so I did them once a day and put it in the fridge. I worked out a system for the middle of the night, so that I could stay upstairs in my cosy bed rather than brave the cold dark living area. My husband helped wherever he could, often doing the night feeds while I expressed so that we could get back to bed sooner.
But I was still finding expressing quite painful, and on top of that found it really limited my ability to get out of the house, which was a bit depressing. I hated turning up to family events with a breastpump, and I hated sitting in a room on my own while I was expressing, hearing everyone else having a good time. Mind you, there were some benefits - I got good computer time when expressing, and because I knew how much my baby was getting I knew if he was likely to be hungry or not. He was also really settled and was having only 4 feeds a day pretty early on. He is a great sleeper and I know I would have gone insane if he hadn't been - would have been the straw that broke the camel's back!
I tried treating for thrush but it didn't seem to make much of a difference. I went to a day-stay facility and they told me that expressing wouldn't work long-term and that I needed to get him on the breast. I managed a feed there and they sent me home thinking the problem was fixed - but despite their best efforts it wasn't. The pain came back and the next day I went back to expressing. Everyone kept telling me that DS was a strong sucker but that his attachment was perfect. I tried using nipple shields but that didn't really make a difference.
At 6 weeks I went for my check up and met my lovely new GP. She has been such a blessing through this whole time. At about 8 weeks I decided to go back to breastfeeding. Fortunately DS was more than willing to oblige, but the pain was excruciating (about a 10 out of 10). After a couple of weeks it settled to about an 8 out of 10 on one side and about a 4 on the other. Then one night I started feeling really unwell, but it went away within a couple of hours. The next morning I realised I had mastitis. I had the antibiotics and thought all was well. I kept breastfeeding, in extreme pain, crying through most feeds and often laying awake at night for a couple of hours because I was in so much pain. I also kept getting lumps that I couldn't get out, despite trying absolutely everything. About 10 days later I woke up in the middle of the night feeling extremely unwell, and this time realised what it was again. More antibiotics.
I attended a private parenting cottage (FANTASTIC place) where I was quickly diagnosed with Raynaud's Phenomenon. It causes vasospasm which accounts for the pain during and between feeds. I started trying to keep really warm and found some improvement. But a week or so later the dreaded mastitis hit again, and within about 9 hours of it coming on I was lying in the emergency department with a high fever and in agony. I don't know how, but somehow I managed to get through a feed in the ED - probably the worst feed I've ever had! I can remember lying in the ED thinking that this must be what it felt like just before you die. I was begging them for drugs to dry up my milk. Fortunately they were quite vague with me and I soon forgot. After that DH took DS home while I was taken up to the maternity department (was very lucky they had a bed there in a single room). I was woken every hour or so with various drips (needed IV antibiotics) and having to express to try to drain the affected breast. The next morning DH brought DS in and the LC spent some time with me trying to get things working. But the pain was unbearable and eventually I just said that I couldn't do anymore breastfeeding and that I would express. I actually ended up with a bleeding nipple from getting a bit too pump-happy! I had forgotten how strong the hospital-grade pumps are.
The following day when my temp was down and they were satisfied I didn't have an abscess, I was allowed to go home. However I still had terrible lumps that weren't budging. I was really lucky to get a physio appt that afternoon, where I had the first of 3 ultrasound treatments which eventually got rid of the lumps.
I was doing a combo of breastfeeding and expressing, but my supply in the bad side was really low and I was struggling to keep up (I'm lucky I had some frozen milk). Over the next week my breast started to recover. I had just started on nifedipine and I kept trying to feed, but then the 'good' side started getting lumps and painful and I thought "I just can't do this anymore", so I went back to expressing.
I just felt like my body had let me down and I really didn't understand why things had happened the way they did. So about 2 weeks ago, I thought "stuff it, I'm going to make this work". So I started breastfeeding. At first it was ok and I was ecstatic. But the familiar pain started coming back and I couldn't work out if it was thrush or the Raynaud's. I started on Daktarin but then realised it was Raynaud's, so I went back on the nifedipine. Since then it's been getting better and better, and I haven't expressed in over a week (the longest I've gone without expressing). I'm hoping that if I ever express again, it will be because I choose to, not because of pain!
So that's my story - successful breastfeeding at 23 weeks. It has been the hardest 5 months of my life, and so many times I wanted to give up, but I'm so proud of myself that I didn't. In all this time DS has only drunk breastmilk (although I did start solids at 4 months). I am currently covered in scratches as it seems DS has hit 'wriggly phase' LOL but hopefully that will be over soon.
So that's my story. If you're struggling right now and can't bear the thought of another feed, know that you're not alone and that there is hope! There are incredible ladies on this board (I am VERY thankful for them, as is my DH), and the ABA is awesome too. Reach out and don't give up til you get the help you need. And be proud of yourself and the amazing job you're doing!! You'll get there. Hugs!
Thanks for reading... sorry it turned out to be so long!
Wow. Wow. Wow. You are one amazing, determined, stubborn, gutsy woman. It just blows me away that you stuck it out though all of that. I could completely understand a new Mum giving up and switching to FF after facing much less. Congratulations on getting through all that and coming out a breastfeeding Mummy! I'm sure your story will be a great inspiration to others.
Well done hun, and thank you so much for sharing. That is truly an inspirational story and I am sure it will help others who are still to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
well done!!!!! A wonderful success story. I bet u are soooo proud. I too, had an extremely challenging difficult first 4-5mths of BF and had days where I wondered if I could keep going. I persevered, knowing it would be totally worth it....and it is!!!
Wow, I'm so impressed with your persistence!! You are one determined Mama to get through all of that. Well done to you, your DS will certainly benefit from your attitude now and I'm sure in many other things throughout his life.
Wow, what an incredible story Thank you for sharing, you are inspirational, really. I'm only sorry that it took so long for everyone to work out what your obstacles were. I hope you now go on to have an amazingly long and happy breastfeeding relationship with your son
Thanks all for your kind words. If only I could apply that same persistence to house cleaning and not eating hot chips!! I really hope it helps some people... Mrs Jak, good luck with everything and you'll be a fantastic mum no matter what!
Janie I keep joking that I will feed him til he's 10 to compensate for the past 5 months! Hahaha
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