Have decided to wean our toddler - could use a little moral support
DS, who will be three in November, has always had an affinity with the boob. He still is fed to sleep most sleeps, although he'll self settle consistently at daycare, mostly for my mum and occasionally for DP, but never for me.
Since DD arrived six weeks ago, this has presented a few problems, especially as DD has the habit of cluster feeding at night, and DS will sometimes take over an hour to feed to sleep. It's rare that he'll be asleep before DD wants feeding again, at which point DP will settle DS down. This can take hours, and he'll usually be quite distressed (understatement: read screaming hysterics) when I have to stop feeding him. I've tried feeding both at once, but it doesn't really work as an extended 'feed to sleep' thing for a number of reasons, mostly because DS needs to be put into bed asleep but still attached otherwise he'll wake.
It's getting to the point that the distress that not being able to fully demand feed DS is causing him seems to be outweighing the benefits extended and tandem feeding otherwise give him. He's not jealous of his sister feeding, but doesn't understand why he can't feed when and for however long he wants. We had got him down to a feed before sleeps only, but lately he's been asking more and more frequently, and becoming more and more distressed when refused. He also has a habit of clamping with his teeth as he feeds, and it's entirely subconscious - he's not aware he's doing it and despite my efforts, does not know how to stop doing it. It's not painful and it doesn't cause damage, but it is very uncomfortable, especially during a long feed.
On Sunday I asked DP if he thought that perhaps DS would be better off without any BF at all, as it seems to just be confusing things for him and we agreed that we would wean him. Not doing things lightly, from that point there were no more feeds.
That first day was um, difficult to say the least. DS is autistic and has quite pronounced communication delays so we're not sure exactly how best to explain it to him - anything too longwinded/abstract and he finds it hard to cope with explanations, but we didn't want to just tell him 'no' without an explanation. So we've decided to go with the 'boobies is just for baby' approach. We had lots of tantrums and much distress as he processed this new change. I tried to avoid feeding DD around him, but knew that on Monday I would have to, as DP was working until after 8:00pm so I was doing bedtime.
Monday was actually OK. I wasn't able to get DS to sleep, but he accepted that there were no more boobies when he asked. We had lots of cuddles, and actually no tantrums. At all. (Which is rare)
This morning he was also good, a little grumpy first thing in the morning, but so far, so good. Today he is with my mum, so we'll see how we go tonight.
I'm feeling ambivalent about this decision. Mostly sad that I cannot continue to share myself with him so fully. I would have liked to let him choose his own weaning date, but I couldn't deny that BFing seemed to be having more of a negative effect than a positive one. I started this post Sunday night - as DP attempted to get him to sleep and I listened to him in distress. But I've been surprised at how easily he seems to have taken it since then. We'll see how it goes, I'm sure there'll be times where it is not so easy, but perhaps this indicates that the decision was the right one.
Anyway, not much point to this post except to share my weaning experience - thanks for reading!
It's a tough time, but sounds like it's the right decision for you guys. Glad to hear that your DS is adjusting so well - perhaps all he really needed was a gentle nudge afterall.
I hope it continues to be a smooth transition.
Thanks hon! (And sorry for hijacking your happy sleep thread the other day with my non-sleeping woes - I looked back on it and thought that I sounded like such a party pooper LOL!)
Suse, well done feeding your little guy for as long as you have it can't be easy doing what you are doing but it sounds like it's for the best....you have done so well!!! An inspiration!
My DD is nearly 19mo and I wonder if I will need to do the same one day as she just loves her "boobie yeah" and can't get enough..... I am hoping she self weans herself before I have to (one day, not now)
Good luck hun x
FWIW i think you've made the right decision. Does he have his own special cup or something that you can offer him drinks in? sort of like a special 'big boys' cup? just so he fully understands the 'booby is for baby' idea.
well done on feeding him for so long and doing such a great job, you're a champ
What a wonderful job you've been doing taking care of your son's needs while caring for your new baby. It sounds like you've definitely made the right decision. And although breastfeeding will no longer be a 'part of yourself' you share with your son, there will be many many other things you share. It's natural to be a bit sad about weaning though. Hope all continues to go well with your ds.
I know its hard to wean before they do it of their own accord (I just recently weaned my 21mth old DD because I went overseas for two weeks!) but it sounds like youre all doing wonderfully.
Thanks for sharing!
What a big decision to make Suse. It is great to hear that your little boy is adjusting. I've got my fingers crossed that tonight goes smoothly for you. I think you are amazing feeding your boy until over 3 and tandem feeding too - YOU ROCK!!!
Wow Suse, what a great job you've done!! You are an inspiration. It sounds like you are making the right decision for the rest of you. I hope it just continues to get easier and easier.
Aww Suse, you have done a truly amazing job, you should be so proud. And you are continuing to do an amazing job now, because you can see what really matters and make good, well-balanced decisions for your DS and for your whole family. Onwards and upwards! But lots more hugs too.
I couldn't agree with the above posters more - you've done an amazing job.
It sounds like things are coming along well with what you've already put in place and that your DS is gradually adjusting to this change. In case you want to add to what you're doing though, just wanted to suggest... have you guys used social stories with any success before? Having an ASD he is likely to be a very visual learner and giving him a social story about it may help to have things explained and outlined in a predictable, consistent and visual format.
another cheerleader here, we weaned DD from dummies and BF about two weeks ago, so totally understand what you are going through. I do feel a bit bad for not allowing her to give up herself, but TBH I feel she is ready (just not that willing). Giving up dummies was actually harder for her than giving up BF.
Hopefully your little guy continues to be great for you... keep us posted x
My youngest also needed a BF to get to sleep until he was well into toddlerhood... we weaned just after he turned 2yo. We found replacing the BF with a bottle helped the transition... I know it's not for all kids but lucky it worked for us (I needed to take non BFing friendly medication/radiation treatment). It might also help your DS to replace the activity? Maybe make him an Activite (choc milkshake) instead as a trade off? Is he old enough to be flattered by saying "BIG boys don't need booby as much as tiny babies"?
but WELL DONE! for such a great job! May this tricky phase pass soon
Miss Suse.
Now you are one of the women I really admire and find quite inspiring. It must be heartbreaking to feel like you need to make that decision to help him. Like all the PP have said, your gift to him thus far has been amazing.
Strength to all three of you as you negotiate the separation.
Wow Suse, good on you. What an amazing effort. I must say if it took me an hour to feed my girls to sleep i would have weaned long ago. What a great start to life you have been able to give him, and i agree that it sounds like you have made the right decision. You're his mum and you know in your heart what is best for him.
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Have decided to wean our toddler - could use a little moral support
it can't be easy doing what you are doing but it sounds like it's for the best....you have done so well!!! An inspiration!
and can't get enough..... I am hoping she self weans herself before I have to (one day, not now)
but WELL DONE! for such a great job! May this tricky phase pass soon
What a great start to life you have been able to give him, and i agree that it sounds like you have made the right decision. You're his mum and you know in your heart what is best for him.
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