**This is REALLY REALLY long! If you want to read it, grab a cuppa and some bickies, make sure the kids are asleep and go to the loo before you sit down, lol!** Exerpts taken from my Baby Buddies threads over time. Lily is now 4yrs old.

Breastfeeding Lily and those first few weeks….

Written between- 28/7/07- 22/9/2010

I actually can’t really remember my first feed with Lily, which I find so sad. It wasn’t directly after birth I know that much. I remember the nurse asking me if they could give her a bottle and me in my drugged out awake-too-long, lost-lots-of-blood stupor said yes she could, even though I didn’t want her to. I remember in hospital a lot of the midwives trying to help me but all giving me conflicting advice. I was very sick with having lost a lot of blood after birth, and quite shy of the midwives fiddling with my boobs when they were trying to help me feed Lil. Then I had a visit from the Lactation Consultant, who was a god send! She gave me a double pump to use to try to get my milk flowing, and also helped me with latching and the different positional holds for feeding. My milk came in about 6-7 days after birth, and Lily had slight jaundice and urates in her urine (can be a sign of being dehydrated in newborns) when she was about 3 or so days old, so I was formula feeding her a fair bit in hospital. Even now, 3 ½ yrs later I can remember those first few days with quite some detail.
Here are some excerpts from my Baby Buddies threads in those first few weeks:

28th Apr 07
We've had a few sleepless nights; she usually sleeps for at least three hours at a time, though usually four.
My main problem at the moment is Breast feeding. I had issues with my birth which I think has also caused issues with my b/f and I am lagging a little behind in that area. I am on medication to stimulate milk, but I think it is working too well and my boobs are engorged. Lily can't latch on properly because they're so hard, but when I express I can only get about 40ml from each side. I am also using breast shields as I can't get her to latch on properly and she's created big sores on my nipples, which in turn is causing blocked ducts. So now I'm worried about mastitis....oh the joys!

29th Apr 07
I have seen a LC and she is coming back tomorrow to see us. I have been told about Karitane day stays and they are just around the corner from me, so I will see how we go for today. The LC said she's a bit lazy and has a bad sucking action, though I think she's getting it slowly. Sometimes I think it is because Lily gets so agitated and seems so hungry she just gets cranky and can't latch on well- she scratches me and waves her arms about and arches her back. Once she's had half a feed and I change her nappy I can usually get her on ok and during this part I don't use the shields to try to toughen up my nipples. My boobs are less full today thankfully so she has been able to get on better and we had a whole feed without shields- wooohooo! I do have to take the meds until finished and come off slowly, or so the Dr. says, I have a few more days on them then I'm on my own. Luckily for me though she sleeps really well (knock on wood!) at night- for about 3 1/2hrs at a time so feeding isn't getting to me too much- I haven't cried over it for a few days now, LOL. Since I have kind of scabs on them, I think when they are healing they are getting blocked, I don't want to get mastitis after what I've been through with bf!

May 1st
We had a pretty bad night and day. Lily hardly slept and was really unsettled last night- I think I jinxed myself by saying how good a sleeper she was at night! She also only cat napped today and woke whenever I put her into her cradle. I tried feeding her to sleep and sleeping with her but even then she wouldn't sleep. We couldn't put her down or she'd cry and she was feeding every two hours.... Finally at about two this arvo, she fell asleep and she's STILL sleeping. I think I'll have to wake her to feed and try to get her to sleep for the most of night like she was before.

2nd
My DH has been home for the past few weeks but goes back to work on Friday. I'm a bit nervous! I have been on my own with her, but still, it will be 12+ hours of just her and me...without being able to call DH to come home. Oh well I have to get used to it!!
Well we had a great night again last night, thankfully Lily went back to sleep after her marathon sleep in the evening. I ended up having to wake her at 8pm for a feed because my boobs were so full, luckily she ate like a piggy! She was back in her usual 3-3 1/2 hour routine last night and slept until 7:30 this morning.
BF is still challenging for me and I really don't enjoy it at all, though I'm going to persevere for at least 6 weeks to see if it gets easier.
We're going to try going to mums again today. We'll see how we go. Last time Lily was really unsettled by the end of it and we had to come home. I was stressed out too with my niece (3) and nephew (6) attacking Lily every time she moved!


5th

We had a horrific day yesterday!!! Lily and I were on our own as DH went back to work and all Lily did all day was cry, she didn't sleep until 4:00pm and we'd had a dreadful night too. So I joined her after a while and cried all arvo with her! Poor DH didn't know what to do when he called . But we're back on track today thank god!!
Well, today ended up being a MUCH better day! We tried to go down the road as I had a few things I wanted to get, but Lily started screaming half way through my trip so all I got was a few things for her. I wanted to get some thank you cards, birthday cards for a few friends and some clothes for me, but I started to get flustered and she wouldn't settle unless I held her so I went home! We'll try again tomorrow, maybe DH can come... But overall a much better day, she's having a sleep now. I have managed to do washing, prepare dinner, do the washing up and even get dressed today, hehehe...unlike yesterday, I was in spewy pj's until DH came home yesterday...such a horrible day!
I have been giving Lil some top up feeds of formula which the nurse suggest I do, but I find that if Lily had formula that she has trouble pooing the next day. Plus I want to BF her, I don’t like giving her bottles!
I also think I may have been getting mastitis yesterday, as I skipped a feed the day before. I had a fever of 38.4 for most of the day even though I took paracetemol and sore boobs (more than usual!). I guess it was good she fed every two hours. It's gone now and I called the nurse who said it should be ok and to keep an eye on it and not to skip a feed!
It's amazing what a good sleep will do for you, or should I say what a lack of sleep will do for a perfectly normal person. I think that was partly my problem yesterday too. My DH gave up going to play soccer for me yesterday, which made me cry more because I felt guilty. He loves his soccer and rarely goes to play with friends. Then he stayed up until midnight so I could sleep for a few hours, even though he had to be up at 5:30am to go to work.

6th May 07
Well we had a great night last night. Lily slept from 10:30 ‘til 3:00, then from 4:00 til 7:00! I got to bed at 11pm so I got a great sleep too, as well as a snooze yesterday arvo, I might even have gotten too much sleep....is that possible with a newborn?!
DH is home today, he's on night shift tonight, so I'm hoping Lily has a repeat of last night with her sleep tonight.
It makes things so much easier with DH home. Even though he just burps her or snuggles with her, it's a relief not to have her on me the whole time. A friend asked me if I'm enjoying motherhood, and honestly, at the moment, I don't think I am. Not that I'm not enjoying it so much as just getting the hang of things I think. I mean I wouldn't change it, and once Lil and I sort each other out, I will enjoy it, but for now it is so tiring and draining.

8th
Well Lily and I are still trying to figure each other out. I think she's been trying to talk the past few days. She makes noises which don't lead into cries, it's very cute!
She's not sleeping much in the daytime either, but instead of catnapping, she screams and screams for hours, except when she’s feeding which is every 2 hrs in the day, until she’s so exhausted she goes to sleep for 5 hours, then we do it again in the night. I can't figure out why...and she won't take a dummy which is sooo frustrating



9th
Lily was pretty settled, but I was feeding her every 2 hours. She did have a huge sleep first off last night sleeping from 9:30 until 3:30!!! I couldn't believe the time when she woke me up. Then we were awake and feeding on and off for three hours... we went to mums and to the shops and she was even good then.
Lily just smiled at me and I think she meant to!!! She just did it again.... oh how cute!! She has a dimple in one cheek, lol!
She's been pretty good so far today too. She's sleeping now after trying to put her down about four times... she just doesn't like to sleep in her cradle in the day for some reason?! She's fine at night but in the day time....she doesn't sleep much aside from catnaps. Oh well, as long as she's good at night I can handle it!
She's been feeding less today too, thankfully! Yesterday it was every 2 hours until 10:30 last night when she finally went to bed for the night. Today she's feeding more like every 3 hours.
I'm still using breast shields on and off too. I'm trying to only use it for every second feed or for half a feed, to try to toughen up my nipples, but they just don't seem to be getting used to it! She's attaching properly since I've seen the LC, so I don't know why they're still sore, maybe its just the normal pain people get? Or I'm just a wuss...that might be more like it. They were pretty bad before though, being scabby and blistered really badly. They are better now really, and I'm lucky Lily is such a piggy and isn't fussed with using the shields or the bare nipple. Hopefully soon I can get rid of the shields.

10th

Lily has been difficult today, I really shouldn't say how great she is when she has good days, I seem to jinx myself and it's always when DH is at work for 12 hour+ shifts. All she did all day was feed and grizzle, literally. She was attached to me every 1 1/2- 2 hours for at least 40mins each time, usually 1hr, and would only sleep when feeding. Whenever I put her to bed she woke up 10 mins later.
Though one good thing is we managed to feed for a few feeds without the shields!! Wooohoo! Though when she detaches she just pulls off without letting the nipple go so she stretches it and squishes it between her gums and it HURTS!!! I don't know how to stop her doing it...
Thankfully she's finally asleep in her cradle for the first time all day and has been asleep for more than 1 hr at a time. I think I might even go sleep with her soon. She didn't sleep so well last night either and I had the weirdest dream which kept me awake, but which I now can't remember, LOL! So I'm pretty tired, hopefully tonight is better.

11th
Well we went to Parramatta today to get a mothers day pressie for mum and a few other things. It went pretty well. Lily slept for and hour or so then had a formula bottle after a bit of convincing and screaming. I think I will try to continue to give her a bottle once or twice a week, so that it is easier to wean (presuming she goes onto a bottle one day...)her or to leave her if we go out. It took DH a bit to get her to take it where before she'd take it no problems. She's such a booby baby now!!
I just read an article about thrush and think we may have it does anyone know the symptoms? I only read about getting shooting pains in the breast on attachment and from her sucking and afterwards, which I get. But they might be normal? Lily has a white tongue all the time which I thought could be normal too from my milk? But then it could be thrush...

13th
Happy Mothers Day to all of you new mummies!!! Hope you all have a great day.
Well we didn't have a great day, today was probably one of the worst days I've had. Lily was awake every two hours last night and then she was awake for a couple of hours in between last night too so not a good night for us. She has cried all day and has hardly slept at all, except when she's feeding when she'll sleep for about 30mins. Then I burp her and she won't go back to sleep. I spent the morning in tears. DH thankfully took her for a walk in the baby carrier for an hour so I could compose myself and have a bit of a sleep. She's still not asleep now. There are no times in the day where she's content; I can't put her down even when she's asleep. There has to be something wrong I think. I'm going to the Dr. tomorrow to see if we can figure out what's wrong. I think she might have reflux. She seems to have the symptoms to me.

19th May 07
I've had a difficult few days/week. Lily was becoming really difficult and I had no idea why. She was screaming all day and hardly sleeping at all. I was a mess and in tears almost all day, and was petrified I was getting post natal depression. DH was at his wits end too, having to work and look after Lil and I. When it came to him having to do 2 night shifts at work, I fell apart! So we went to the Dr. who suggested that I might not have enough milk for Lily and giving Lil a bit of a bottle again, which I did and she slept for 5hrs! So after more tears from me, mourning not having enough milk and for unwittingly starving my daughter, we are now breast feeding and bottle feeding again. I am looking at putting her solely on the bottle, because my boobs are still sore and she's starting to reject me anyway. She gets really frustrated when I put her on the boob and she doesn't latch well, probably because she's such a piggy and just wants the milk without having to do the work!!
I am sad to put her on the bottle on one hand, but on the other, bf has been such a tough thing for me to do, with my milk not coming in straight after her birth due to me being sick, then I had horrible blisters and sores from her not latching well, then blocked ducts, then oversupply due to the motilium I was on, to feeding her every hour...now this. It's just been one hassle after the other. I'm tired of worrying about feeding her- if I have enough, if she wants it, if she's on correctly. It's becoming too stressful for me. Though I keep putting off weaning her!
I stayed at mums for the past three nights while DH worked night shift and it has made such a difference. Dh has an arvo shift today, and we're back at home so we'll see how we go.
To those of you having trouble bf, I understand! And I take my hat off to those of you who are persevering despite your problems. It is so stressful to have a screaming baby at your breast and being unable to settle them. Or having them on your breast all day. I was crying every time I put her on because I was dreading it. Now it is so much more pleasurable, because I am at ease with giving her a bottle if she needs it.

21st May 07
As for me and Lil, well we're going along pretty nicely. She's still alot more settled than she was. Though she's still not sleeping well. A friend of mine who is a midwife came over yesterday and said that she’s not getting enough sleep. I will try to get her into some sort of rhythm this week. I know at this age they are pretty lax with 'routines' as such but at least we can start some rituals. We don't have any yet due to the hard times we had over the past few weeks. Now she's happier, we can start trying to get a routine going. She seems to be getting a cold though and she's really snuffly. I got some saline and a nose cleaner thingy (can't think of the name now...). My girlfriend also said that we do have thrush. I thought we did, but when I asked the Dr last week she said no! Though I had just fed her...but still you'd think she'd know!!
Our breast feeds have gone down to four a day for 10 mins each side now, so we are slowly getting there. Though today I have been feeding her for longer because she's a bit sick and she sleeps when she's on the boob! I also think that breast milk might help her get better too! And she just seems so eager to have it today which has been kind of nice since she's been rejecting me for the past few days.
I have seen an LC. I saw one in hospital, and then saw her a few times when I got out of hospital. She helped with the attachment issues, and got Lil feeding bare- nippled again, but then we got thrush (I now realise...) which caused my nipples to get sore again, so I started using the shields again... I was also on motilium for three weeks. It seemed to work for me for those few weeks but then I got oversupply and Lil wouldn't latch on even if I expressed and then a week or so later my supply seemed to really drop off. Lily was crying all day and I was a complete mess, crying along with her, by the time I went to the Dr, we were so sleep deprived and Lily had a hoarse voice from crying so much (it took me almost 2 weeks to get to the Dr- I didn't realise what was wrong...).
So bf has just been such a huge ordeal for me that I think it is kind of a psycological thing for me. I think it will be better for us if I just get her onto the bottle. I know that bf is best for her and I do feel a bit guilty for piking out on her, but I was just such a mess and I don't want to worry about if she getting enough if we went back to exclusive bf. I think it just all started off on the wrong foot for us and now I find it stressful.


22nd May 07
I can't help but feel a little guilty about weaning Lil. She’s only 5wks old. Although my girlfriend put it well the other day, saying 'Can you tell in the playground' -meaning can you tell who's been breast or bottle fed when they grow up? Which, of course you can't. But I still have it in the back of my mind the bf is better.
I have begun the routine thing today and so far so good, mind you the day is young! I hope I can get her into some sort of pattern. It would make life a bit easier. My house is a bomb site too and I haven't been anywhere! All I want to do when Lil is sleeping is relax, so I do.

23rd May 07
Well we have had a pretty good night. Lily and I were alone for the first time since my meltdown a week ago and we were fine. I was a bit nervous because she'd been very unsettled and sooky with her sniffles and she had been vomiting up half her feeds. I think because of the mucous going down her throat (yuck!). I've tried using the saline and aspirator to get it out but I can't get much, so she's very snuffly. So she's wanting to be fed every 2 1/2- 3 hrs and she wants more breast milk, she sticks her face between my boobs and rubs her face in there- it's very cute.
I have given Lily a bath and she played in front of the heater for a while- she loves to have her nappy off. We actually had a nice bath this time. She usually screams blue murder in the bath, especially when I get her out, but she didn't even cry then, just a few whimpers. She did sream when we were getting dressed though, she really hates it, especially taking things off over her head for some reason...??
We fell asleep on the lounge at about 6pm last night and I slept until 11. I put Lil to bed and she slept until 12:30! I fed her and we went back to bed until 4:30 then woke at 7:00 this morning, she had about 60ml from a bottle then slept again until 8:30. And now after a big feed she's sleeping again....WOOOHOO! I just hope we don't have an unsettled arvo as my DH is on night shift again tonight...

24th May 07
Well another good day for us, YAY!
Lily seems to have gotten into some sort of routine already....I thought it'd take us at least a week or so to do. She now wakes at about 7ish, has a small feed, has a bath and a play in the sun, sleeps from about 8-9:30ish has a big feed a bit of a play, sleeps 10:30-12:30 ish another feed small play, sleeps 2-4ish, a feed, small sleep 6-7ish, feed at about 8:30 sleeps 9-12:30, feed, sleeps til 4:30, feed, sleeps til 7 and that’s been our days for the past three days or so. I can't believe that she's gone from screaming all day to not sleeping all day to this! She's such a different baby, I'm so happy that she's settled and happy now. She actually plays and smiles now. I can leave her in the bouncer and she's happy. What a difference and a relief!
Seems that more people find bfing difficult and tiring than find it easy and natural. We are down to maybe three feeds (supplemented) a day now.

27th May 07
I left her with daddy yesterday for the first time and went shopping for about four hours. She didn't sleep properly all day, only having cat naps, even when I got home. (Daddy's not good at settling her or putting her to sleep, unless she falls asleep on him and then he falls asleep too!) and after little sleep all day, she didn't go to bed until 9:30 which is kind of late for her! Then she was up at 10:30 for 1 1/2hrs, then at 3:00 for 1 1/2 hrs, then at 5:00 for 2hrs then at 6:30. So needless to say (after being used to relatively good sleep!) I'm buggered. DH has taken her for a walk in the babybjorn carrier now, so I get a bit of time for myself. I might take her to mums later and try to get some sleep there!
It was good to get out of the house for a few hours yesterday, without Lily. It's the first time I've been anywhere without her. I missed her and by the time I got home it was like I had a craving for her, LOL! Daddy struggled a bit with her I think, it was his first time looking after her, but he will have to get used to her. I asked him to give her a bath, but when I got home, she was still in the same clothes...the first thing he said to me was 'she hasn't slept, here do you want a cuddle'! And handed her over, I had to laugh. At least now he has some understanding of how it feels to have her on you, even if it was just a few hours for him

28th May ‘07
Well we had a better night last night thank goodness! And Lily's sleeping now, even though we were up at 5:45! She seems to have bad wind too, I have been giving her gripe water and it seems to help. She hates it though and spits it out, you should see her face when she tastes it...priceless!
Lily is such a pig and is still feeding every 3- 3 1/2 hrs. Even having mostly formula! I thought she'd be a bit more content on the formula because it is heavier, but no....she's such a guts and is getting chubby!
Lil is a bit unpredictable at the moment and we are still getting to know each other. She seems to be more unsettled if I'm not around. Daddy really winds her up too. Even just hearing his voice does it to her. I have to tell him not to talk to her if I'm trying to settle her!

22/9/2010
After many weeks and months of combine feeding my gorgeous girl, Lily, we ended up putting her solely on formula when she was about 7ish months old. This is when I discovered I was pg with #2! I tried for a long time to get Lil off the bottle when she was about 12wks old, I went back onto motilium and went back to the Lactation Consultant. I really did want to bf my girl full time, but it wasn’t to be. We never managed to get the formula right down and she always had 1-2 bottles per day. I battled many demons and did what I could. But I did my best and in hindsight, I was brave and determined and now Lily is none the worse for any of it. She is a bright, funny, clever and loving 3 ½ yr old now.