so what happened to my VBA2C

[mykids]

Hi everyone,

It has been some time since I have posted anything regarding my VBA2C attempt. Have been so busy with my 2 little ones, preparing for this VBA2C and preparing my house for sale (which isnt being sold anymore as of last week but thats a whole other really long story).

Anyway I wanted to update those of you who gave me such amazing support initially on my VBA2C...thank you for all those wonderful encouraging messages and those messages that were filled with great info.

Anyway, I had a great team behind me, I had Lionel Vaginal, a great private midwife, my pregnancy was much easier than my others and I kept jumping over all those little VBAC obstacles along the way, like - placenta well above scare - check, baby head down - check, husband fully behind me this time - check, excitment about pending natural birth - check, talked husband into helping with perineal massage (for the life of me I just couldn't reach!!) - check....everything was going to plan.

At around 38weeks I was so excited about going into spontaneous labour. Any little niggle I thought is this is it??? was doing my active birth reading and writting my affirmations with the help of my midwife. I was a little scared but excited too.

At 39weeks my midwife came over for a routine check. After poking at my belly for some time she decided to tell me that she thought the baby had gone breech. I was thinking yeah right, for the last few weeks Lionel had told me the baby was head down and I had a 1/200 chance of it turning breech so I just dismissed it. Knowing the baby had been head down for some time I had been very careful with my sitting posture and I thought I was doing everything right.

Anyway, the next day I had be routine weekly appointment with Lionel. He said the baby was head down. He then read the note Jan had written on my hospital card regarding the position of the baby so he said lets go next door for a quick scan.

He put the ultrasound machine on my belly and there is was - my baby was BREECH.
I balled my eyes out because I instantly new my VBA2C journey was over.
I was hysterically crying I just couldn't stop. Lionel didn't really know what so with me. He just said nothing bad has happened you and your baby are well, there is nothing to cry about. I couldnt stop. He asked what I wanted to do and I just said I dont know what to do. I never had a plan for this. Both my other babies were head down and Lionel each week said that this one was too. I was in shock and I had no one with me. Lionel told me to go home and talk to Jon and to call him back tonight.

When I got outside I call my midwife. She was upset for me. I called DP and he didnt know what to say.

I called my midwife later that night and she said that I had very little chance of the baby turning - he was very large and I am only little and his head was pretty much jamed in my ribs. She told me to have a caesarean - which was a shock for someone so pro vaginal birth, but she truly believed that the baby had done this for a reason, that is was some how trying to protect me. I asked what I could do to try and turn him and she said bum up and head down so I did as often and for as long as I could.

I saw Lionel again 2 days later once I had my head together. I took DP and we spoke about my options. He let us make the decision and I just felt trying to deliver breech after 2 c-sections was not for me.....my 3rd c-section was booked for that friday. I kept up my 'tryng to turn baby positions' and hoped that he would turn. I had a scan early friday and he was still breech......he was surgically evicted 2:51pm on friday 16th April. He was 3.7kg, 36.5cm head and 50cm long. A few have commented that I was lucky to have a c-section given his size but I dont see it that way....yes I am small but I was determind.

I am trying to be OK with it and show everyone else I was and I was doing pretty well up until today. I have been crying on and off all day and I just feel so defeated. I know he was my last baby and I know only you wonderful ladies can possibly understand so I thought I would get this all of my chest in the hope it my help me a little.

Those feelings of feeling pathetic are resurfacing - pathetic that I can't even birth my babies like a woman is meant to. I am so greatful that he is well and the rational part of my brain knows it doesnt matter how your baby comes out as long as your both safe and that I am lucky to even be able to have kids at all...its that little voice in the back of your head that I know so many of you can relate to that you hear the loudest some days and it makes you just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Its just not right, one minute your pregnant, the next you have a baby next to but what about the middle bit!! my brain just stuggles to connect that its my baby and i think its because I have missed the middle bit .....the BIRTH, the labour, the pushing the build up to the arrival of your baby. When you dont get that it just doesnt feel real.

My journey for a vaginal birth is completely over. Three is enough for me...I just need to heal physically and emtionally and move on. Right this minute I just fell numb.

Thank you so much if you managed to reach the end of this very long post. I do appreciate it and I do wish anyone else on thier VBAC after however many caesareans the best of luck.

Thank you again for all your support.

[Arimeh]

Thank you for sharing your story, I hope it helps you getting it out there. Disappointment in birth is one of the worst things to feel, as we have no control over the outcome

[Winter]

sweety, I am really sorry that your VBAC dreams didn't come to fruition. It's ok to be disappointed, in some ways I think it is a form of grief, especially if this was your last bubba, your last chance to "give birth". We understand hun, and there are lots of & here for you whenever you need them.

(Ps Congrats on birth of your baby) xox

[kristi14]

Im so sorry you didnt get to have your VBA2C.

It resonates in me what your mw said about baby doing it for a reason though.

I have no doubts none of that makes this any easier for you and your emotions. All you can do is go with it, go with your emotions and work through them at your own pace.

Thinking of you and Congratulations on the birth of your new little one

[RoyaUK]

Big hugs, mykids . For a very different reason, my recent VBA2C also ended in a c-section but I totally understand the disappointment you feel.

It is very normal to feel grief over what has happened. I have to remind myself that despite all the best planning and preparation, somethings are just out of our control. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to cry.

There is a section for Attempted VBACs which I found helpful to read. You're doing well even posting on here so soon after the birth of your little one - i couldn't face it for a little while as I was so disappointed in having a c-section again.

Something that 2 months ago someone said but i couldn't accept was 'it will get easier with time'. For me, 9 weeks on, that's actually true. But to get to this point, i have debriefed with my maternal nurse, i saw a professional counsellor and also debriefed with my private midwife. I'm still upset but it's not as consuming in my thoughts anymore and i'm glad i worked through my experience with others a few times. Your hormones are racing too at the moment which makes things tough.

Learning to accept what has happened and what will never happen (having a vaginal birth) takes time but you will get there. For me, it all started to get a little easier when DD3 smiled at me properly for the first time a few weeks ago and our eyes locked and we really really connected.

Be gentle on yourself and take care recovering.

[jackrose]

I am so sorry to read your story.

The other ladies have said such wise words and I completely agree with them especially RoyalUK and Arimeh,

Disappointment in birth is one of the worst things to feel, as we have no control over the outcome

I am due to give birth soon, a planned VBAC and I feel just as you described early in your post. I know that the only thing that will halt my plans is something that is out of my control and that is frightening. I am so sorry your worst fears came true.

It is so difficult to put it all together mentally and bond with a baby after a c-section. Your feelings of grief and bereavement for your VBAC that wasn't are so valid and I hope that you are able to take care of yourself, take things slowly and find the things that RoyalUK described, the joy in that first smile to help you heal.

Thank you for coming back to share your story and let us know how things went and are going, and for all you have been through and are going through.

[thepixie]

Thanks for sharing your story and I'm sorry it didn't go the way you hoped. Like the girls have said, sometimes it is all out of your control and no amount of preparation can change that. Sending you strength to move on in your own time
Congratulations on your little boy

[~mamaspice~]

Mykids, just wanted to give you a great big your story has bought tears to my eyes. But please believe that you certainly tried your very best to achieve a vaginal birth, and in the end it was pretty much out of your hands Your determination you had is truely inspiring to me.

[mykids]

Thank you so much everyone for your support and hugs I truly appreciate all of them. Its so nice to be able to share my story with you wonderful woman who actually know what I am going through it makes such a difference.
One of the hardest things I also find is trying not to look at my other births and find what I did wrong that cause my c-sections.
It was the decision I made to allow my OB to induce me with my first baby at 40wks which lead to that "intervention cascade of events" that lead to my first c-section that has lead me to a 3rd c-section. There was no real good reason for the induction - her opinion was big baby, little mum, sore back lets induce - I cant help wonder if only I had of just waited, then perhaps a c-section may never have happened and I wouldn't be feeling this way now!!.....I am still angry at myself for allowing that to happen so I guess that is the biggest demond I am battling with this whole 3rd c-section.
My MW read my medical records from my first induction and she was angry to uncover that I went into hospital for the induction 2-3cms dilated. I don't know about that, she was disgusted they didnt send me home, she said that I would have gone into labour any day!!!!!!!!!!!!. The best saying i have ever heard is hind sight is 20/20. Its so true. I am not so angry at my 3rd c-section as I am at myself for what happened at my first birth....the self blame and the wishing I could go back to that first pregnancy can be very consuming. Unfortunately wanting to go back and change the past has been a huge problem in my life....I do need to work on that!

As you said RoyaUK it can be so hard to bond to a baby after a c-section. I struggled so badly to bond with my other two that I just wanted everything to be different this time. I am sorry that your VBA2C did not happen also. Any more babies planned?
I am too surprised for posting so soon after but I thought it would help and I think it has. I also wanted to let those who were so supportive at the beginning know what had happened.

Thank you all again and I wish you jackrose and mamaspice all the very best of luck for your VBAC...go for it you can do it!!

[feeb]

Thanks for sharing your story, sorry you didnt get birth you want. Congratulations however on a healthy baby.

I had emerg cs for DS1 and hoped for a VBAC for DS2 but it wasn't t be.

Take care and enjoy your kids

xoxo