How did you react..feel........

[maz]

Its been quiet a week in the Bourke residences

Wilhelm has been lashing out at me...physically and emotionally due to the many changes at school this year (wilhelm has Autism just incase you dont know)

So his new thing is telling me he hates me

It is absolutely breaking my heart.

I know he means it...he is very intellegant and wont speak to me when he's really bad. Ive tried explaining to him that it hurts my feelings...even to when I exploded and told him I hated him and asked if he liked me hating him.

I feel so gutted and its made me really depressed

how did you cope when your child told you they hated you..I need some coping strategies for me...cause im not taking it very well

[kirsty_lee]

babe I don't know from personally experience cause Ava is too young for that (can't wait for it though but I know he is smart but does he fully understand what the word 'hate' means though? Or is he just expressing himself in anger. I know it must hurt terribly though, I hope you find the answers your after babe

[Turkish Delight]

My heart goes out to you.

I have a gifted boy too and most of time will yell at us, screams and causes a riot to unfold at home (which eventually gets me and DH to argue).

I believe that they really don't mean what they say. I believe it is a way for them to get their anger out because they are gifted/intelligent and their minds must work at a million times per minute. We don't understand what they are thinking, how they are thinking, what they are going through as we are not like them.

I really, honestly don't feel that he hates his mummy when your little boy says that. Just try and understand as to what he may be feeling and thinking when he says that he 'hates' you. I know it is hard to accept what he says, when you love him so dearly.

Do you have access to trained people in the area of autism which you could ask?

Goodluck xxoo

[Willow]

Maz, you poor thing

I agree though that he doesn't actually hate you - he is just verbalising his anger and frustration. Or perhaps he is seeing that it hurts you and is just lashing out, trying to hurt your feelings?

I don't know, my DD has never said it to me and I don't begin to understand the complexities of a child with autism, but I really don't think he means it.

I bet you're the whole world to that little fella, and who could blame him?

[maz]

TD - I rung the school straight away as it was something from there that triggered it.....they have been really good ever since and now understand why I put my foot down with certain things.

I asked him why he hates me and he said cause I really dont like you and you are mean its alla bout his dame DS lite

I must add that when he was saying it to me, he was punching me and kicking my in the head (he dragged me down by grabbing my hiar that was in a plait after I tried to get down on his level)

Im very lost atm and feel like a failure to him

[saslia]

Hugs :-)

I have found with DD who has ADHD and anxiety issues that changing her diet to as low additive as possible has helped with the anger and the Ihate you's. We have been following "Additive Alert" and also read a lot on Failsafe.

It can be heartbreaking I know but you are a wonderful Mum and need to remember that. Good Luck.

[Turkish Delight]

It takes a very special mother and father to be a parent of a child with a special need. I hope i am not offending you. I feel parents like you are God's angels who have been placed here to look after very special children. I know i could not do it. You are NOT a failure to him or anybody else, you and others in your situation are VERY special. All mothers are special, but one's like you are VERY special.

Please don't feel down in the dumps. I'm sure your little boy doesn't mean it at all.

Remember, when we were kids and we used to tell our parents (sometimes to their face, sometimes behind their backs) that we hated them because they wouldn't allow us to go here or there or buy us something that we really wanted? We didn't mean it, did we? Of course not.

Work with the school in helping solve this one.

PS I wish they never invented gaming consoles.

xxoo

[Madham]

I agree with TD , i am sure he didn' mean it to hurt you. They are very strong words to hear and can break your heart. I remember when DD first said it to me, she was about 5 at the time and i responded with well that makes me sad as i love you very much, I am upset with you to but i do not hate you. I think it only happened one other time so far. She is nearly 13 so i expect it to occur again next few years. I cant offer any advice really but just wanted to say dont take it to heart..

[tiggerandpooh]

oh Maz...Just wanted to give you a I can feel your broken heart and total bewilderment. I remember when both my DD and DS1 have yelled it at me in anger how hurt I felt. I can't remember how old you little man is - sorry, so this may not be appropriate - but when both of my kids have done it, I actually told them what the word HATE meant - to bear malice on someone - which of course led to what does Malice mean. I explained it as wishing something bad would happen to someone - like they get hurt really badly, or that they even die. I then went on to explain why that hurt me so much. I know that Wilhelm has autism so my responses may not be appropriate, I'm not sure. But if he is beginning to have an understanding of emotions and feelings then maybe it is.

I know your cup is feeling pretty empty at the moment... and this won't be any consolation when your feeling empty - but I think your pretty amazing hun. In the midst of your own journey as a mother you still have the capacity to reach out your hand and make others feel cared about and heard. I hope that someone soon is able to do the same for you.

[Je$$_84]

Maz HUGS..... This happened to me for the 1st time few weeks ago... not quite as bad as yours but just as painful.

DS is 4 and very "over-active" people keep telling me.... He's a monster who is runs amok, yells and screams at me and doesnt listen. Also he has a speech delay which i think is 1/2 of his issues.

Few weeks ago he was worse then usual and was screaming at me while i was asking him to do something (i.e clean up the mess he just made). This is what unfolded
Me: "..... can you please clean ur mess mate your sister is awake and wants to play on the floor"
DS: "i dont want to"
ME: "why"
DS: " cos i dont love you" (well that was like a slap in the face... actually i think that would have hurt less.... my little boy was sayingt he didnt love me)
ME: "why dont you love me"
DS: "cos i dont like you, i hate you" ( bam, another slap then another)
Me: "Oh baby thats not nice, but even though you hate me i still love you and i'll keep on loving you for ever and ever"

DS got angry and walked off....

It happened few days latter but this time there was punching and i replyed with well i hate you too, then i burst in to tears and said i didnt and that i loved him and it hurts my heart when he says that.

Dont know how to cope.... i'm just hoping it never happens again.... I feel for you... its such an aweful feeling to hear your child say that.

Everyone is right Maz, Your an amazing person.

[Kitt3n]

maz - oh hun.

with DD1 when she says/does something like that (used to every now and then but hasnt for ages) i would just look at her, with absolute pain in my eyes, then walk away and sit, holding myself, just staring and looking sad.

she couldnt handle it and would come to me "mummy mummy i love you, i love you, i am sorry"

i really dont know if that will help with Wil, i really dont - but its worth a try maybe?

sending you so many hugs, you are a muse mummy, dont forget that

[alioops]

Oh hun

I know that when I told my mum that I hated her for whatever reason (probably because she told me not to do something ) she used to withdraw affection. She basically said 'well I love you, but if you really hate me then you dont like it when I cuddle you or give you treats or anything nice, so that is stopping now' It worked. I also used to have privelages taken away, like the TV (I never had a gaming console, maybe taking the DS away will work?) because that was a priveledge, not a right, and that is how it was explained to me.

He really does love you but doesn't know how to express that he doesn't like your decisions while still loving you.

[suse]

Ah sweetie, you're having a rough week, aren't you? I don't have any advice for you babe, just a huge hug.

And someone once told me: to be able to tell someone close to you that you hate them, you have to love them very much.

He loves you babe, he's just doesn't know how to express what he's feeling any other way yet.

[Muppity]

Oh Maz sweetheart, sending you loads of hugs

I am a firm believer that we aren't sent any challenges in life that we can't succeed at. Sure it may seem like an uphill battle at the moment and over the last few years you have been thrown some real doosies but I know that you have faced every one with a strength of character that I can only dream of having.

He doesn't hate you, you are his Mum and noone can ever replace that and deep down he knows that, he just hates the situation that he finds himself in and we always lash out at the ones we love the most.

And you have NOT failed him as a mother. You have done the very best that you can possibly do and continue to do it every day because you are an amazing woman and mother to all your kids.

Now my dear, do something for me, tonight once W is asleep and the household is quiet just go and stand in the doorway of his room and watch him sleep for a moment. And remind yourself that he does have wonderful peaceful times and that he does love you just as much as you love him and that you have the strength to fight for everything that he needs. Remind yourself that you were chosen for this special role because you were the best girl for the job.

[maz]

Now my dear, do something for me, tonight once W is asleep and the household is quiet just go and stand in the doorway of his room and watch him sleep for a moment. And remind yourself that he does have wonderful peaceful times and that he does love you just as much as you love him and that you have the strength to fight for everything that he needs. Remind yourself that you were chosen for this special role because you were the best girl for the job.

oh bloody nora!!!!!!!!

I was sucking in the tears until I read that.

Thank you all for your wonderful support. I don't know where I would be sometimes if it wasnt for BB and you girls who take the time to listen to my dribble and give me advice and the strength to keep going.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart

[Ryatha]

Maz

All the suggestions above sound great. I don't have a child with Autism but I do teach them so I have a bit of an understanding. What I did with DD when she said that to me once is explain that hate is very harsh and maybe it is frustration that she is feeling. I explained frustration to her and now she says whenever she is angry with me "mummy I'm really frustrated with you!"

It sounds very sweet (well better than 'i hate you'), she is getting her feelings out and expressing her anger with out hurting herself or me.

I hope this helps, otherwise have lots of remember you are a great mum!

[Visitor8]

Hugs Maz, he loves you. You really DO know that, even though sometimes it's hard. You are a wonderful mother and the things you do for your beautiful kids is wonderful and selfless. It's ok to have bad days (or weeks) and having moments where you break down doesn't make you a failure, it makes you human.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you sweets.