How Much More ....

[soul]

kungfubecca

[Trish]

Soul ??

Thanks for the support girls. I would love to say it was getting better, however from what I have been told Brandon is still wagging school. Good to see though, that it's not just when he's at my house.

I am sure he came here this morn while I was dropping the kids off at pre school. I had some of his clothes folded and ready to take out to his room and they are gone now, and I know that Joel sure isn't that nice to take them out.

[soul]

oh $#%$^%&%^&%^* it!

Would you believe I had written this longggggggggggggggggg reply! Bloody computer timed out on me!! And then I lost it all!!


What I was trying to say was, I so know what your going through!! I went through this too with josh.

Your a great mum. And in time they will grow out of this, and I bet they both turn out to be great men!


My hubbie was a bad boy too, so much so that he end up in jail when he was 19. Yep shock horror ah? He left behind me, our then 1 year old child and me pregnant with our second child all because of his stupidity. He went of with his mates and go into trouble and took the rap for the whole incident! He left me homeless with no support from family as my mother peed off to queensland and my father wasnt speaking to me because I was pregnant and a mother at only 16. He left me in the worst situation possible, I had no imcome for the first few weeks becasue centrerlink would not evcen put me on a pension as they claimed I was a minor and needed a , ridiculous when I was a mother! But they eventually got it right. You would never think he had been if you knew him lol, he has worked in a rehab helping others, and is a all round wonderful man, whom has really lived both sides of the fence so can relate to all walks of life. I am so proud of who he has become, from a stupid kid to a wonderful man.


Anyway wont go into my life story, but jail changed him for the best, he went in a smart arse know it all rebel and came out this clean cut, wiser person! Not saying it happens that way to all who go to jail. It was the beginning for my hubbie though so it was a good lesson for him.


There is only so much you can do for your boys, the end result is up to them. You can try scare tactics and threats, but they eventually learn thats all they are. Then you have to pull out the big guns as we did. Unless the law helps you in the way of giving him one of those things that go round there ankles, yep I would threaten him with one, then what else can you do? Not much but be there when his consenquences come slapping him on the wrist. He needs a wake up call, he needs to see that if he continues to do the wrong thing there are consenquences for his actions. Sometimes with stubborn kids this is the only way for them to wake up. Might seem harsh but what else can you do?


I agree with the others, let the father the some of the responsability, you cant keep being a martyre to the boys, where it getting you? Stressed thats what, and that leads to the other kids, becaucse they are the ones who have to watch mum feeling like crap and being angry. Let them know you love them but are taking a step back, its up to them now!

[DANNIIM]

Trish just wondering how your boys and yourself of cause are going now??

[DoubleK]

Hi Trish, i hope everything is going ok!

My brother (15) is just coming out of his trouble making phase - he is such a nice, good kid, but just cannot help himself sometimes! and i do believe that his mates play a big part of it too... but telling a teenage boy to stop seeing his mates is near impossible!!

the last straw came for my parents last year when he was told - one more suspension from school, and he is out! mum rang a few local schools and had them send out information about enrolling.. that seemed to do the trick for him. also i think my dp helped him see a bit of sense last year actually... he was caught driving with a suspended licence for the third time (dont get me started on that!!!) and was sent to one month in jail i visited him everyday in the city untill he was moved out whoop whoop... the thing is my dp is a good guy, he's not a trouble maker, he doesnt do anything wrong - apart from driving with suspended licence.. it was suspended from loss of points for not having his p plates up twice. but he had to work, so he drove. in the end it bit him on the bum!
i think it scared the cr@p out of my brother - seeing a regular guy, with a family and good job can go to jail for something minor (i believe its minor, as he isnt a hoon!) so since then, mum and dad havent had any trouble with him at all!!

sorry i dont have any advice for you! just a big hug, and i hope that both your boys keep themselves out of trouble! try not to stress yourself too much, i knwo its hard, but in the end they are old enough to know right from wrong!!

Rach

[*mitch*]

Trish... I cannot tell you what to do but I can certainly sympathise hun...

my story goes like this..

A month after I got home with DD his mother dumped (& i mean dumped child & bags on door & drove off.. i never even saw her)... he was 13 1/2 ish at the time, he had been getting in trouble, skipping school, fighting, stealing, lying etc... (not quite at the stage of getting in trouble with the law), so she gave up & then he became my problem (DH was working out of town at mon-fri at this stage)...

I rearragned my life to accomodate him, spent a fortune on uniforms etc getting him into a new school, rearranging the house (no bedroom for him at that stage).. I tried everything under the sun, took him to councelling, took time off work to take him to councelling, rewards, punishments.. you name it I tried it...

The last straw was when I got a phone call at work & he had done a runner from school... (long story short) I had the local police looking for him & family & frinds etc... I wrang social services & told them they needed to find him somewhere to live NOW... I had been trying to get help from them but to no avail..I even ended up on antidepressants due to this & DH being away all week too...

Fot the last 18 months SDS has been in foster care & seems to be getting better, a much nicer house to live in & alot nicer when he visits... he get along better with his brother now & Alexa no longer has a stressed out mummy (mind you I am still on antidepressants cause of the situation)...

I really have no answers for you but I know that it is really a hard thing to deal with & I imagine it would be 10 times worse being a blood child & other children in the family too...

I hope that things come right..... but at then end of the day you still have other children that depend on their mummy more than the older ones... & you need to be able to function & take care of them... if you cant keep your self together then your younger children will also suffer... I found that Alexa was really starting to feel teh effects of having a stredded/angry/crying/sleep deprived mummy...

Hugs hun... Feel free to email or PM me if you need to vent....


Sorry for rambling too!!!

[maddiesmom37]

Hi, I'm new to the boards but I have two teen boys and my oldest who will be 16 this summer can be really oppositional at times, nothing like you posted..he has never been in trouble at school or with the law but that is where it stops! He bullies his 14 year old brother and 11 year old sister and at times has turned our entire household upside down with his behaviors. He argues constantly!!! and at one point we had him in counseling and even tried to take him in for medication but he refused to take it..

The thing is he was a very quiet and sweet child, always smiling and happy, and he went to 9th grade this year and THAT WAS IT!! he got in with a different crowd of kids and completely changed! But he never does anything that is going to get him in REAL trouble, its just enough...if you know what I mean..he antagonizes, and does things behind your back.But at the same time he keeps all of his grades up and always does his work..always! He is very egocentric/naricissitc while my other two are the total opposite and it just makes me so sad as a mom..I don't know how he has turned out the way he has, he is always thinking about money, how to get it, earn it, if he has it, and will do just about anything to get it. Wants the namebrand stuff, while my other son is not this way and neither is my daughter, they don't even go to a school where this is a norm, they go to non-traditional schools, so my son really doesn't have very many friends, because he isn't a nice kid, this also makes me sad.

My 14 year old did get in trouble for drinking on school property with some other kids, had to do the community service and for three months he was on probation, took the classes but he learned from it, and I can handle this, because at the end of the day he made a mistake, and learned from it but he is a good kid and he cares about other people and has empathy for others. He enjoyed being at the shelter and passing out food.

I think my issue and hurt as a mom is that my oldest son doesn't care who he hurts in the process of getting what he wants as long as he gets it, and that in a few years he will be on his own in the world. Will he care about others? the world around him? I worry that he will always have a "me, me me" attitude. My other two children don't have this..

He has decided he wants to go and live with his dad because it will be "better" and "more fun", dad plays nothing but video games all day, meanwhile I'm remarried and my dh works two jobs and I'm a full time student, so I can see that it doesn't seem much fun here

I'm sorry you are going through all of this with your boys..I have been through a great deal with my middle son, he had a few difficult years that I won't post here that were beyond his control, but as moms we feel so guilty, I know I do, because I'm divorced/remarried and I worry about the impact it has had, and how they will turn out, what they will feel when they are older. We all do the best we can, and we can't always control everything our children do..trust me the day my son decided to take a drink of run in coke, that was a shocker!! And we have friends who just wouldn't let it go and talked about it everytime we saw them...well they don't have kids, let alone teens That really got old, always being judged, we can't always follow them everywhere, and sometimes we have to hope that they will do the right thing but they don't always make the right choices

[Trish]

Maddiesmom, welcome to BB and thank you for sharing your story with me. I really do hope for all of you that your son settles down really soon.

Mitch, sorry I missed your post hun. Thank you for sharing with me too. It must have been so very hard sending your DSS away like that. But if he is coping well and becoming a nicer person for it......

Well, my life has been a total screw up since I posted this thread. How wrong was I thinking things couldn't get much worse.

Brandon has not been to school for pretty much most of this year. He has been running away, being gone for days, up to a week at a time and I've had to call the police and put a missing persons report on him. (thankfully this has stopped for now) but this went on for a few months. He'd pack his bag in the morning. Tell me he was going to school and not come home for a week !! So it became a case of me not forcing the issue of him going to school, because if he didn't go I knew where he was and he wasn't out on the streets. I was scared to raise my voice or rock the boat because this too would make him run away.

The truancy officer has become involved and told me that if I didn't have him attending school regularly I would have to go to court.

The school counsellor became more involved and had him do some tests, I also had to fill in a questionaire and based on our results it showed that Brandon was dealing with depression. He was then referred to the mental health unit at our local hospital, we had a home visit and a visit in their offices. During all of this the school counsellor suggested I just keep Brandon at home so we could work on this without having to worry about him taking off. Brandon was also not eating at this time. And had been picked up shoplifting, this is how we got him back one day from running away. He had pinched chocolate and No Dose. Why, because he was hungry and tired

After another weeks disappearing he turned up at my parents house at 9.30 at night.They took him in and called me, fed him up and gave him a shower and bed. And that's where he stayed for the next 7 or 8 weeks. I wasn't asked, it just happened. I have mixed feelings about this. Yes I am extremely grateful for the time, effort, money and love they have given to Brandon. I can't help but feel they thought it was all my fault for the running away and school wagging. Well, when term went back Brandon started wagging school from their house too. His bags were packed and he was sent home.

Brandon is literally an inch from being expelled from school. I have asked him if he wants to go to another school pfft he doesn't even go to this one) and he tells me no. But even if I do find a school to take him, what is the point if he won't go ?

Brandon has been smoking pot, I know this because I have read the sms's in his phone. He was also drinking alcohol. I know that most kids like to experiment but I think it's gone beyond this.

So, where to now. The school and suggested that I put him in a boys home. I can't do this. To me Ithinkn that he will only end up worse with new skills learnt from being in a place where the kids will be worse than him.

I am at a loss now as to what to do. I feel that everything I have tried for him has failed. I have tried, his father tried, very briefly, and my parent's have tried. The school has helped out so much with him and every Tuesday a policeman from the PCYC picks him up and he spends the day out with him doing activities and talking. He tells the officer that all is well and that he is going to go to school, but the next day he wags again.

I don't kid myself anymore, when I say good bye to him in the morning and tell him to have a good day at school. Now I say have a good day wagging. Sad I know. But I am realisitic.

I am worn out from trying to deal with Brandon and his crap. I have had a houseful of sick children and Abbey has been sick for over a month now and not getting any better.

Not sure where to go or where to turn to anymore. Seem's everything that I do and try to do ends up back in my face. Perhaps I should listen to the people who tell me to kick him to the side. But I know I can't. He is MY child. There has to be a reason for all of this, and come hell or high water I will get to the bottom of it.

Now can someone please give me the strength to do it !!

[Cricket]

Oh Trish, what a mess! I can't give you any wonderful words, or any advice really, but I'll offer a and a shoulder, and a listening ear.
Do you have a Big Brothers program in Australia? Here, if there is a boy without a strong male role model in his life, you can sign them up for Big Brothers, and someone will come and spend time with him, take him out and do "man things", talk and listen, etc. Any chance something like that, over a long term, would help? Is there anyone recovered from life on the street with drugs, alcohol, and no schooling that you could maybe contact to talk to your son about what he's heading for?

I agree with the others, it does sound like they're crying for attention - probably from their father - combined with a belief that no one cares, and that they're not going to succeed anyways. And I don't know how to convince them that those things are not true.

A mother doesn't "kick her child to the side" - I know how you feel about that. You'll never give up on them, or stop loving them. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they need to remain in your care. I'm not going to pretend that I should tell you what to do! I just wanted to say that turning them over to someone else's care, in whatever way you think is best, doesn't mean that you are giving up or not loving them. It might be the best way to show that you love them. But I'm not in your shoes honey, you know yourself and your boys, and you can decide!

I'm so sorry that I can't really help, but as I said, I'll listen, and I'll be praying for you and your family.

[tiggerandpooh]

Trish

My heart hurts for you hun. I feel your frustration and despair. The constant questioning of yourself, and "where did I go wrong?"

I was recently given a book He'll be ok: Growing gorgeous boys into good men by Celia Lashlie. I have only just started reading it, so I can't say whether or not it is life changing or not. My therapist recommended it and she has read it and said it is brilliant. As I go continue reading I will let you know...

As for kicking him to the side... He is 16, an age where he has to be responsible for his bahaviour and choices he makes, and live with the consequences. As harsh as that seems, it is truth... in two years he is 18. legally classified as an adult - able to vote, legally drink,(i know he is already doing this) and a mutlitude of other things...

I don't think you need to kick him to the side - but I do think you need to "let go" per say. With a very clear message that he is old enough now to take responsiblity for his behaviour and choices, and the consequences that follow. Tell him that you love him very much, and that it hurts you profoundly that he feels he has to do these things, but you will no longer run around trying to "fix" it. Because you can't fix it hun. This is his journey, and it will be as hard or easy as the path he chooses to take. You have other children - younger children - who due to their ages have a very real need for you to be physically available to them.

Its not unlike someone with an addiction - while people around a person with an addiction continue to enable that addiction by making excuses giving them money or whatever, that person can continue to not take responsibility for their own behaviour.

I don't know if any thing I have said has made sense or not. I hope that you are able to find the strength to let him go - for your sake, for your family's sake, and for his sake. Sometimes as the saying goes, if you love someone you have to let them go.

[Trish]

Vicky, just need to clarify that the one giving me the issues now is Brandon. my 13 year old

The 16 year old is still a bum and not working, but atleast he's not in trouble anymore.

[tiggerandpooh]

Trish - maybe have a look at this book... the thing that appealed to me was what is written on the back:

Adolescent boys - they seem to disappear into another world where they barely communicate and where fast cars, alcohol and drugs are constant temptations. Will they survive to become good men? How can parents and schools understand them and help them through this difficult and dangerous time?

Celia Lashlie has some of the answers. After years working in the prision service she knows what can happen when boys make the wrong choices. She also knows what its like to be a parent - she raised a son on her own and feared for his survival.

In this funny honest no-nonsense book, researcher and social commentator Celia Lashlie reveals what goes inside the world of boys, and that it is an entirely different world from that of girls. With clarity and insight she offers parents - especially mothers - practical and reassuring advice on raising their boys to become good, loving, articulate men.

not having had good role models myself, I tend to go looking for information where ever I can find it, so I can at least make some better decisions and choices then the ones modelled to me. Hence why I am reading this book... Sorry that I got the boys mixed up - glad the big one is not giving you trouble anymore. my little man woke up at 4.30 this morning after being awake on and off all night and I have just put him back to bed - so think I will follow suit.

Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, I feel your pain and frustration hun I really do. I wish there was some magic solution (if I find one I'll pass it on, i promise!!) Knowing I'm not alone in my experiences with my children has helped tremendously - hasn't necessarily solved anything - but having others share their own experiences (even yours) makes the journey a lot less lonely.

[~Trish~]

Sorry you are going through this at the moment Trish. I obviously have no experience, but I have two step-brothers who have been in trouble with the law frequently. Both were really affected by their parent's divorce (mum walked out).

All I could suggest is, have you tried counselling? Maybe it would help if you and Brandon could talk with a professional about how he is feeling about life, etc.? He sounds like he has a lot of hurt (maybe from not having dad at home?) and it may help to sort through the issues and work out ways to manage them.

Again, I don't know, I'm no expert and you may have already gone down that path. I just wanted to pop in and tell you that you are doing a great job, I know you are doing everything you can .

[The[cookie]Doctor]

I have no advice but I wanted to offer many .

[ElleJay]

I have no advice but I wanted to offer many .

I'm exactly the same as Ashlea, I've got no advice whatsoever but I wanted to pop in and send lots of hugs

[Trish]

Thank you all so much for your advice and hugs. It really does mean alot to me.

Cricket, we do have a Big Brother's program here. Thanks for the idea. Brandon does have several male role models for him in his life. And several that he can talk to. He just chooses not to. KWIM.

Vicky, that sounds like a great book. I will have to keep an eye out for it. Thanks for your advice too.

Trish, Brandon has seen a counsellor at school and also a child psychologist, each come up with different things. One says he is suffering with depression and anxiety, the other says he's just being a teenager....

Do you ever feel like just putting things in the "too hard basket" and coming back to it later, or getting someone else to solve it for you ? That's the way I feel most days lately. Only I know that I can't do it.

[paradise lost]

Trish this sounds obvious but have you asked him why HE thinks he does these things?

He might not know of course. When i was 14 i was on the Pill and dating a 20 year old and when my mum asked "why are you DOING this?" i replied "Doing what?" and remember feeling so perplexed that she didn't get me wanting to be a grown up...obviously when i was 14 i didn't know what grown up meant!

I just wonder though if he thinks ahead at all, if he wonders what will happen next week or next month or next year if he continues to act like this? TBH depression and anxiety sound likely to me, but then how do you know? With this sort of thing, you just have to wait and see how they are at 20, and only THEN can you tell if they were the extreme end of normal or actually had some kind of problem happening.

Trish hun i really feel for you. It must be SO SO hard.

Lots of love

Bx

[mummy of many]

Hi Trish / ladies, I understand how you are feeling,life can be really tough on us as parents,and no matter how much we try,sometimes things never seem to get any easier.It wouln`t be the first time I`ve had a cry or broken down due to the frustration of parenting,we don`t get a baby/child/ teenage manual to help with raising our kids our eldest is nearly 15 and his behaviour has change over the last few months,I think it has alot to do with who your friends are at school sometimes,they just have a mind of their own and won`t listen. good luck.