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Thread: How Much More ....

  1. #37

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    Trish



    Firstly I wanted to say that you are the most amazing mother so please please don't forget that.

    I was talking to DH about this situation. He had a bit of a troubled childhood. He ran away from home at when his parents divorced and didn't get into trouble as much but it was heading that way. I asked him why he didn't end up in trouble and his answer was martial arts. He has studied a number of martial arts since the age of 4 and he said that it tought him respect, discipline and self control. I know it isn't going to be a quick fix, but perhaps if DS finds an interest such as martial arts, he will begin to get back on track. A way of redirecting all that negative energy. Getting him there is the first step and it is really only the tip of the iceberg, but I just thought I'd mention it for what its worth.

    HTH
    Lv Spring

  2. #38

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    More Trish. I reckon there are millions of mothers who want to put it in the too-hard basket! Who can blame you, you really do put your entire heart and soul into your kids, so when you can see them struggling and you've tried everything that you know to do and it still isn't helping, where do you go from there? I wish I had a magic answer for you!

    Spring has given a great suggestion, I've heard of others that have done a sport or martial arts and it really helped lift depression and give self esteem.

    I was thinking about you and Brandon this morning and remembered back to when I was his age. It's that age where you are hitting puberty and you start becoming more aware of the reality of life. My parents divorced when I was 3 1/2 and my dad had very little to do with us kids, he moved to a different state and we barely saw him. I held out hope for years that he really loved me and wanted me and one day he would come and rescue me (my mum was wonderful btw, but I was a little girl who just needed her daddy). When I was 14 it just dawned on me one day that my dad didn't really want me (he didn't) and he never had. I think I'd finally gotten to an age where the penny dropped and it hurt really bad. I felt a lot of anger and hate and I went into a dark depression. I rebelled in my own way (I was pretty tame at rebelling LOL) for a couple of years. It took an older friend who was a trusted mentor to speak to me and helped guide me out of my depression. I never went back after that.

    I'm sorry if I've bored you with my own personal story! I just was thinking about your son and realised he's around the same age as I was when I went through a rough patch. I have no idea of his situation with his own dad and it probably isn't even similar, but not having your parents together can really affect you. Even if it is better off not to have both parents together (my mum was MUCH better off without my dad!), it still affects kids.

    Anyway, I'm not much help, but I just thought it might help you to know that it is most likely an age thing and that with the right guidance (maybe martial arts, a sport, a close friend, etc...) he can change his path. All you can really do is just continue to love him and be the stable parent in his life. He will always remember that and will have a great deal of respect for you (even if he doesn't show it right now).

  3. #39

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    Trish, this is one of my biggest fears I think. I have watched my parents struggle with my younger brother (who is now 21) for years. He has been in and out of courts etc, He is currently serving a suspended sentence. the amount of crap this kid/bloke has done over the years is just amazing.
    Worst of all he is usually the older one of the group so while he gets charged the others are let off with warning etc.
    His worst was being involved with a group of "mates" who decided to go mug some people, each of the 3 victims say that my brother wasn't involved, just stood off to the side. But he was there, he was the only one over 18 ( I think he was 18 at the time), he was with them when they got picked up etc so he is n ow "doing the time"
    My brother does have mental health issues, depression, anxiety etc. He also has learning difficulties. he ahs no concepts of cause & effect. So he is the perfect "sheep" He does these things just be a part of the group.
    Unfortantly I have no magic answer to help you & say this is what works because so far, nothing has worked for my parents dealign with my brother. they bail him out time & time again. Even after a 2 week stay in silverwater jail, he still hasn't really learnt.
    His crimes have settled down to mostly driving offences now, he no longer has his licence. But I think this is just because he has no way of getting out with his mate etc. Has no car, no job, lives at home.

    The only thing I can say is that maybe sending him off to "the naughty boys home" (lol I have to laugh at that as mum use to always threated to call them to come get my brother when he was little, if only she had LOL) may be the wake up call he needs. He ahs pushed you all to far & what else can you do? It sounds as though he thinks its all empty threats. Maybe a good scare will bring him back to earth KWIM?

  4. #40

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    Oh Trish, I'm sorry this is happening - you must be so worn out.

    From my Dp, a previous "naughty boy" who was sent to a "naughty boys" home, please don't go that option. He says it was the beginning of the end for him. There were other factors that started him down this track (saving a kid from being beaten up by the local cops son, only to have the cops son lie and say it was him), but the home was the most horrible, horrible place and to some extent I think it broke his spirit in a really sad way.

    I didn't find the school counsellor much help for DD, but she did refer her to a fabulous program we have been involved with for the last 2 years. She goes away surfing, rock climbing - and has learnt some fabulous coping skills. She also realises how lucky she is to have so many loving people in her life.

    I know you are up in NSW, I can ask at REFS and see if they know any similar programs in your area??

    BTW - I think the sport thing is a brilliant idea.

    xoxoxoxoxoxox

  5. #41

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    My cousin has 2 boys who were heading in that same direction. One got really into the gym with his dad and he is also really good at cartooning so she started sending him to art school as an extra-curricular activity. The younger one got into football, baseball and modelling so he is now at a school where his sporting activities rely on him achieving academically. Both of them have really calmed down by being channelled into activities that burn up energy and are things they are really interested in.

    The other thing she looked into was yoga for children with behavioural issues. Martial arts would be a similar thing I think in the focus and control aspects. I think if they can fins something that interests them and can focus on that more than mucking up it can help them through the difficult years.

  6. #42

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    Trish, have you considered Father O'Reilly's program for teen boys? Not sure if that is the same as sending him to a boys home or not (and that is such an unappealing idea to send him to one of those) but from what he says there isn't a nut he can't crack in terms of turning around wayard teenagers.

    Its not fair at all that you've had to deal with this again with Brandon, actually it completely sucks, all I can hope that he has a lightbulb moment and realise what a little rotter he is being and clean his act up.

  7. #43

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    Trish, it sounds like there could be any number of reasons why he's behaving like this. Could have started out as attention-seeking and escalated, he could have lost his confidence at school, simply fallen in with the wrong crowd, been bullied, have lingering issues from not having his dad around much. Who knows?

    The problem is, I think, even if you were to ask him "why are you behaving like this?" even he probably can't answer that question so you're likely to get the standard teenager response, "dunno" or the even better one, "guess I'm just a loser."

    We had some problems with my DP's daughter - primarily from cutting classes which led to pot-smoking and stuff like that.

    I kept saying to DP, for God's sake, try and find what's causing this rather than going off at her. Have a conversation with her rather than shouting at her. He's a very emotional Italian so this was like trying to tell a greyhound not to run when it sees a rabbit.

    But after speaking to a very wise mum, she said, there's no point asking "why" questions, you've got to go in a lot softer and ask them how they feel about things. I know that sounds very hippy dippy but the way she explained it made perfect sense. She said if you start asking why questions, it immediately puts them on the defensive and it will provoke a one-word response. Whereas if you ask things like "how do you feel about school" "what do you think of your friends" "what are you looking forward to doing this week" and even simply "are you happy", they kind of have to put a sentence or two together to respond and eventually you might get to the bottom of it. Not straight away but if they know you're not going to go off at them all the time, then they might give you a bit more information each time.

    I guess it would be a bit similar to asking a woman why she keeps going out with blokes who beat her up. If you ask her why, she probably couldn't tell you. It would only be after counselling that she could say, "well, my dad used to beat up my mum so I thought that was normal and my first boyfriend hit me and told me it was my fault for riling him so I didn't think I deserved anything better."

    There's probably no simple reason behind this but I'm interested in knowing why the counsellor said he was anxious/depressed. That, to me, sounds quite serious and of less concern than the actual truanting especially if he wasn't eating.

    Oh, and with boys, I've heard they recommend having conversations like this in the car - that way they don't have to make eye contact but they can't just stomp off to their room either.

  8. #44

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    Stop being so brilliant Fi, can't zap you for awhile!

  9. #45

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    Hi Trish,

    I am a relatively newbie!! and have been looking around the boards finding my way about. I noticed this thread and as a mother of 4 teens it caught my eye.

    I hope things have settled down for you a bit now and that you are feeling less stressed.

    When my kids were very little I was part of an adolescent community placement program which is kind of like a foster mum for older kids who for one reason or another couldn't live at home. During this time I learnt a very valuable lesson and that was to never undermine the input that I have into my kids lives. You need to trust in yourself and know that you have done the best that you can they will eventually find the right way and it will ususally be your way! It will take time but as long as you stay in their lives and be supportive of them but not the behaviour you disagree with I am sure they will come round in the long run.

    Good luck

    Clare

  10. #46

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    Girls, thank you all so very much for your love, support and caring words.

    Brandon has just gone back to school this week. And even though for the time being it's only 2 days a week, it's a start. The school are being very accomodating, and have started him on a program. are going to help him get part time work experience and help him do his lessons that will get him to the career he has chosen.

    We still have a police officer from the PCYC working with him and he is fantastic. I really can't thank this man enough. He's only a young guy, but I think that's why it works. He just took him out and got him new uniforms and shoes to go back to school in. He told me not to bother paying for them as the PCYC has the money there for that. It was a huge help I tell you.

    So, for now atleast my house is harmonious again. Atleast until the kids start fighting with one another.

  11. #47

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    I am so sorry I missed this post Trish Even though we have already talked I still want you to know I am always here. I may not be able to give too much advice (not having teens myself yet) but I am a good listener. So if you need to get things out then I am always here for you.

    Sending you the HUGEST sweety xxx

  12. #48

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    That is great news. Baby steps and it will alll work out in the long run. Just believe in yourself, your kids and the wonderful people out there who are willing to help.

    Cheers Clare

  13. #49

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    Thanks a heap Clare and Nadine. I know you are always there for me hun. God know's how many times I have whinged your ears off

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