How Much More ....

[Trish]

I just want to know how much more I am supposed to put up with.

In the past 2 years my eldest has been in so much trouble with the police it isn't funny. We have been back and forth to police stations and to court, had juvenile justice home visits, community service orders, conferences etc. I have had enough of it all.

Finally he seems to to have stopped, atleast for now. He is on his last legs as if he is caught for anything else he goes straight to juvenilte detention. I am hoping this is enough of a deterant to him.

Now, in the last few months my second eldest who is not long turned 13 is starting it. He is truanting constantly. School had suspended him so many times that he was told if he has another long term suspension he is expelled !! He is only in year 7.

Two weeks ago I get a call from the local police again. Pretty sad because the officer even remembered that I was pregnant. Do you know how bad it feels to have the local police actually know you by name and face ??
Brandon had been caught doing something stupid in May, now it had taken this long for it to catch up with him and the other children, he needed to go down fro questioning, and consiquently was charged. Luckily he was given a cautioning.

This morning he was getting ready for school. Something just wasn't sitting right with me and I warned him prior to him leaving that he had better go to school today or there would be big trouble.
Around lunchtime today I get a phonecall, it was one of the shops in the shopping centre, he had been caught shoplifting and they were waiting on the police. I was told it could take them any number of hours to get in there. I informed the shop attendant that I will not be coming in and I will organise for his father to go. So I called his dad and informed him.

A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station, I give them his dad's work phone number and he called him. Finally I don't have to go. When his dad arrived at the police station the arresting officer is actually one of his customers. One that he will be seeing tomorrow.

So for tonight Brandon is at his dad's house with him. He called in briefly to get some school shirts. And when I went off at him he just told me well look how many times Joel stuffed up !! Yes he is right, but atleast Joel was older (and yes should have known better) before he started it all. The way it would seem is that Brandon will be out doing him.

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I normally handle all of it on my own, or one of my parents will come to the police station with me. I go to all the councelling, courts etc without his father and this time I just thought stuff it, he can have a turn.

So tell me why do I feel guilty for not turning up today ??

Please, as you can see, I really cannot deal with any judgemental or b!tchy posts. So if that is your intention keep it to yourself.

[Yael]

Trish, i have no idea what to say, but i just wanted to give you some *HUGE HUGS*, because this must be so tough on you.

Hang in there sweety... my sister got into a lot of bad stuff when she was 16, but in the end she grew up into a responsible adult.

[Phteven]

I don't really have any words of wisdom Trish just big hugs and some *behave yourself* vibes for your boys.
Feeling guilty is part of the mothering role - I think that the stork drops off a big bundle of guilt along with the baby.
I think you did the right thing involving his Dad. It might make him realise how serious it is - that it's not just a joke.

[all girls]

Oh sweetie what a stressful situation for you, hope it all gets better soon,

The teenage years can be so scary (for both child and parent) and i can only imagine how worried and stressed you are.

Not much else to offer you other than my thoughts.

Good luck xoxo

[Trish]

Thank you so much girls. It already feels better sharing it.

I am so phyiscally and emotionally drained atm. Normally I am a strong person and just deal with it, but I think combined with being so pregnant I just can't do it.

I am honestly suprised with the ammount of stress I have been under lately this baby is still inside of me. Obviously I have a good sticky womb.

[Antheia]

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this Trish *hugs* I'm not sure what to say as i'm not there yet(and hopfully i never will be!) I'm not sure if this is an option but maybe he can stay at his dad's for awhile? Just to give you a break at least, especially since you're nearly due to have bub.

[DoulaRelle]

OMG Trish - sweetness, the biggest squishiest hugs coming your way tonight!

Love I wish I had some kind of answer for you to help knock some sense into those boys of yours, you truly don't need it anytime, but especially not when you are pregnant.

Hun, DO NOT feel guilty for not going, it is time that their Father steps up to the plate and starts to deal with HIS sons as well.

Oh Love, I so wish I was just around the corner to come and give you a shoulder massage and make you a cuppa and rest.

Love to you huni, you know how much!

[paradise lost]

You feel guilty because you're his mum. But you did the BEST thing getting his dad involved hun. You're NOT on your own, you SHOULDN'T be on your own, with this. The boys have TWO parents! You're pregnant, you need rest, not all this stress.

At 13, he KNOWS truancy and shoplifting are wrong, so why is he doing it? Did he think Joel got a lot of attention and now he wants some? I REALLY REALLY think you have done all you can. They NEED their dad.

Maybe it'd be a good idea to try to arrange through the police for them to SEE juvie/prison, so they can realise that it's not a game. It's THEIR life they'll ruin, no-one else's.

Now listen, don't you DARE beat yourself up about this! You have done the right thing passing this to their dad for a bit. You are growing a baby and caring for 2 other littlies. The boys have 2 parents, let their dad do his bit for a change.

Giant :hugs:

Bec

[Trish]

Aww Relle and Bec, thank you I have tears from reading that.

The stupid thing is that I know that I shouldn't feel bad, I know that I have tried my best. However Brandon is younger and I have put up with so much more from Joel and now that he is doing it too I just can't cope, so he got away with far less before I really put my foot down.

Brandon stayed at his dad's house last night and will be for a little while. There's the next issue, whenever I do get his father involved his answer is if he comes to stay here for a while he doesn't go back !! That's why I always hestitate and don't send them. It's like I am tossing them aside when they screw up. As a mother shouldn't I be supporting and loving them, not showing them that when the going get's really tough your out !!

[Pretty Butterfly]

My aunt was in the exact situation as you with all 3 of her children, with dad gone. She eventually had to give them to dad for just a while, and turned out to be the best thing she could've done. She got the kids twice a week for dinner, and made sure she was in good mood. They just had a happy relaxed meal, no getting in trouble, and she found the boys started talking to her and opening up. Their relationship started all over again, but a positive one. She didn't discuss their behavoir, that was up to dad for a while, and the kids had a happy, safe, loving place to go to at mums house.Not sure if this could apply to you, but thought i'd let you know. SOOO many mums will/have gone through this. All the best for you and your family.

[Tracey]

Trish, I dont have any magical words that can take away the guilt..

But maybe they are screaming out for their Dad to step up????

So it's not your fault at all, it may just be away of them having their Dad be in their lives more!??? I have no idea, hun, just dont take the blame!! It is not your fault at all!!! HUGS!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Trish, my sister went through this. It's hard - very hard. She needed firmer boundaries than a mother could give - well, our mother anyway. I think mothers are softer generally though, boys need a tougher role model. You sound like you have done brilliantly given the circumstances and it's time the boys' father got involved; the boys will react differently to him (not because he's a better parent or any such guff, because he's a DIFFERENT parent) and hopefully it will help calm Brandon a bit.

As for

As a mother shouldn't I be supporting and loving them, not showing them that when the going get's really tough your out !!

You are loving them by doing the best thing for them - and atm the best thing for Brandon is to learn that if he cr@ps up his life then it's his responsibility, not yours. You are his mother, but he is old enough now to know not to bunk off and steal; he's not a todder and it's up to him to sort things out now. Yes, you can help, but he has to realise it's up to him to look after his life now.

[Liz]

Oh gosh Trish. I have no words of wisdom either.. but I'll send you a big hug. Don't feel bad, you're not tossing them aside.. you're getting help. Even with DS being only 1 1/2.. I often walk away from him and tell his father to deal with his son LOL.. how am I going to cope with the teenage years? It sounds like you're doing your best Trish, and I know I couldn't cope with the stresses at this stage of pg at the moment, so I think you're doing really well.

*hugs* again.

[Trish]

Thank you so much girls. It is much appreciated.

God help me, I still have 3 more kids to get through the teenage years. Hoping like mad that the next lot aren't as bad as the older ones. Somethings got to give right.

[paradise lost]

I would say that they NEED their dad right now hun. You're not tossing them aside, you're allowing them the chance to spend more time getting to grips with who THEY are in a different but incredibly relevant (to them - they're half him afterall) environment. I think oftentimes as teenagers it's easy to become complacent about our lives and think things aren't fair when in fact things are great.

Like, i can kind of imagine your oldest wanting more attention when you began having more babies (change is scary for all of us, right?), and acting out to get it, and you being really worried about that and doing as much as you could but then more babies, and now another round of trouble (because #2 saw #1 getting the extra attention or is just plain acting out his hero - it's possible #2 sees #1 as his most relevant male role model, teenage years being the "You can't tell me what to do you're not even my DAD/MUM" years in step families...?) and you're at breaking point - that's NORMAL hun. You've not done anything wrong! I think your sons will benefit hugely from the reality check provided by the fact that dad has rules and a expectations too and it is THEIR vision of reality which is skewed. Life is not all about them being happy and getting everything they want the way they want it. It can be very harsh learning that, but they need to now or life will be much harder than it needs to be.

As for the next 3, by then you'll have had loads of practice, the family set-up will be different, and you'll have the older, wiser first 2 sons to help you through it. Don't stress. No guilt. Keep smiling, it confounds the enemy.



Bec

[Tanya]

Trish... I have no idea if this is any help, but I think I recall a book called Raising Boys?? Maybe worth a look?? Dunno.

All I know is that ppl keep warning me about the teenage years with all my girls... tbh you seem to have it much worse with boys!! Just a teenage thing I think.

Good luck and heaps of hugs!!
Tanya

[fionas]

OMG Trish, you have a lot on your plate so big hugs to you. I have a 14-year-old stepdaughter who is getting in trouble at school and cutting classes and it's sending her mum and dad bonkers and has even given me sleep. So no judgement here.

It sounds like it is time to put you first right now. You're pregnant afterall. I think it might be worth asking them if they would like to go and live with their dad so that you're not booting them out just giving them a choice. I understand what you're saying about Brandon getting less chances than Joel - maybe you could explain that you've seen his brother's behaviour get worse and worse and you don't want to go down that path again so although it seems unfair ... something's gotta give.

I hope things ease up a little.

[Mother Goose]

What a rotten thing to be going through Trish!

When I read your post, I instantly thought of a dear friend at work who is experiencing identical behavior in his son. His son actually ran away from home because he wouldn't obey the rules and when the police locked him in a kind of detention - he ran away back to his Dad! C is now living away from home but sees his Dad twice a week and their relationship is slowly rebuilding. C has also altered his behavior and is obeying the law. If he doesn't - he goes straight to Juvie - do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

I have also been through this with my sister. I know how hard it is to cope and how easy it is to blame yourself. BUT, you also have to look after yourself and your other children. The comment your son made about his older brother stuffing up all the time makes me think that perhaps he is following by (his) example. Do you want the younger children to follow that same example? Even if your son does go to live with his Dad, you can (and are) supporting and loving him. You're supporting that right now, he needs Dad and that Dad can give him something you can't (please don't take that personally - it isn't personal. We can't give our children everything they need - hence the saying it takes a village to raise a child). And if your son moves in with his Dad (for however long) you can still have time with him and bond with him. Moving out isn't losing him.

I also want to share with you some words of wisdom someone emailed me the other day (but I'll sumarise). It is perfectly ok (and will help development) for children to see they have made their parent/s angry, upset, disappointed. It is ok to tell them 'no' and it is ok to impose boundaries and consequences. If you tell your son that his bad behavior means he now has to live with Dad - that is ok. you've done nothing wrong, you've not failed anyone, and you may very well be fitting a piece of the life puzzle giving him (and your other children) a valuable tool to use in becoming a responsible, well rounded adult.

HTH and stay strong. But it is also ok to cry and fall apart.

MG