When I read your post, I instantly thought of a dear friend at work who is experiencing identical behavior in his son. His son actually ran away from home because he wouldn't obey the rules and when the police locked him in a kind of detention - he ran away back to his Dad! C is now living away from home but sees his Dad twice a week and their relationship is slowly rebuilding. C has also altered his behavior and is obeying the law. If he doesn't - he goes straight to Juvie - do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
I have also been through this with my sister. I know how hard it is to cope and how easy it is to blame yourself. BUT, you also have to look after yourself and your other children. The comment your son made about his older brother stuffing up all the time makes me think that perhaps he is following by (his) example. Do you want the younger children to follow that same example? Even if your son does go to live with his Dad, you can (and are) supporting and loving him. You're supporting that right now, he needs Dad and that Dad can give him something you can't (please don't take that personally - it isn't personal. We can't give our children everything they need - hence the saying it takes a village to raise a child). And if your son moves in with his Dad (for however long) you can still have time with him and bond with him. Moving out isn't losing him.
I also want to share with you some words of wisdom someone emailed me the other day (but I'll sumarise). It is perfectly ok (and will help development) for children to see they have made their parent/s angry, upset, disappointed. It is ok to tell them 'no' and it is ok to impose boundaries and consequences. If you tell your son that his bad behavior means he now has to live with Dad - that is ok. you've done nothing wrong, you've not failed anyone, and you may very well be fitting a piece of the life puzzle giving him (and your other children) a valuable tool to use in becoming a responsible, well rounded adult.
HTH and stay strong. But it is also ok to cry and fall apart.
Hi, I'm new to the boards but I have two teen boys and my oldest who will be 16 this summer can be really oppositional at times, nothing like you posted..he has never been in trouble at school or with the law but that is where it stops! He bullies his 14 year old brother and 11 year old sister and at times has turned our entire household upside down with his behaviors. He argues constantly!!! and at one point we had him in counseling and even tried to take him in for medication but he refused to take it..
The thing is he was a very quiet and sweet child, always smiling and happy, and he went to 9th grade this year and THAT WAS IT!! he got in with a different crowd of kids and completely changed! But he never does anything that is going to get him in REAL trouble, its just enough...if you know what I mean..he antagonizes, and does things behind your back.But at the same time he keeps all of his grades up and always does his work..always! He is very egocentric/naricissitc while my other two are the total opposite and it just makes me so sad as a mom..I don't know how he has turned out the way he has, he is always thinking about money, how to get it, earn it, if he has it, and will do just about anything to get it. Wants the namebrand stuff, while my other son is not this way and neither is my daughter, they don't even go to a school where this is a norm, they go to non-traditional schools, so my son really doesn't have very many friends, because he isn't a nice kid, this also makes me sad.
My 14 year old did get in trouble for drinking on school property with some other kids, had to do the community service and for three months he was on probation, took the classes but he learned from it, and I can handle this, because at the end of the day he made a mistake, and learned from it but he is a good kid and he cares about other people and has empathy for others. He enjoyed being at the shelter and passing out food.
I think my issue and hurt as a mom is that my oldest son doesn't care who he hurts in the process of getting what he wants as long as he gets it, and that in a few years he will be on his own in the world. Will he care about others? the world around him? I worry that he will always have a "me, me me" attitude. My other two children don't have this..
He has decided he wants to go and live with his dad because it will be "better" and "more fun", dad plays nothing but video games all day, meanwhile I'm remarried and my dh works two jobs and I'm a full time student, so I can see that it doesn't seem much fun here
I'm sorry you are going through all of this with your boys..I have been through a great deal with my middle son, he had a few difficult years that I won't post here that were beyond his control, but as moms we feel so guilty, I know I do, because I'm divorced/remarried and I worry about the impact it has had, and how they will turn out, what they will feel when they are older. We all do the best we can, and we can't always control everything our children do..trust me the day my son decided to take a drink of run in coke, that was a shocker!! And we have friends who just wouldn't let it go and talked about it everytime we saw them...well they don't have kids, let alone teens That really got old, always being judged, we can't always follow them everywhere, and sometimes we have to hope that they will do the right thing but they don't always make the right choices
Maddiesmom, welcome to BB and thank you for sharing your story with me. I really do hope for all of you that your son settles down really soon.
Mitch, sorry I missed your post hun. Thank you for sharing with me too. It must have been so very hard sending your DSS away like that. But if he is coping well and becoming a nicer person for it......
Well, my life has been a total screw up since I posted this thread. How wrong was I thinking things couldn't get much worse.
Brandon has not been to school for pretty much most of this year. He has been running away, being gone for days, up to a week at a time and I've had to call the police and put a missing persons report on him. (thankfully this has stopped for now) but this went on for a few months. He'd pack his bag in the morning. Tell me he was going to school and not come home for a week !! So it became a case of me not forcing the issue of him going to school, because if he didn't go I knew where he was and he wasn't out on the streets. I was scared to raise my voice or rock the boat because this too would make him run away.
The truancy officer has become involved and told me that if I didn't have him attending school regularly I would have to go to court.
The school counsellor became more involved and had him do some tests, I also had to fill in a questionaire and based on our results it showed that Brandon was dealing with depression. He was then referred to the mental health unit at our local hospital, we had a home visit and a visit in their offices. During all of this the school counsellor suggested I just keep Brandon at home so we could work on this without having to worry about him taking off. Brandon was also not eating at this time. And had been picked up shoplifting, this is how we got him back one day from running away. He had pinched chocolate and No Dose. Why, because he was hungry and tired
After another weeks disappearing he turned up at my parents house at 9.30 at night.They took him in and called me, fed him up and gave him a shower and bed. And that's where he stayed for the next 7 or 8 weeks. I wasn't asked, it just happened. I have mixed feelings about this. Yes I am extremely grateful for the time, effort, money and love they have given to Brandon. I can't help but feel they thought it was all my fault for the running away and school wagging. Well, when term went back Brandon started wagging school from their house too. His bags were packed and he was sent home.
Brandon is literally an inch from being expelled from school. I have asked him if he wants to go to another school pfft he doesn't even go to this one) and he tells me no. But even if I do find a school to take him, what is the point if he won't go ?
Brandon has been smoking pot, I know this because I have read the sms's in his phone. He was also drinking alcohol. I know that most kids like to experiment but I think it's gone beyond this.
So, where to now. The school and suggested that I put him in a boys home. I can't do this. To me Ithinkn that he will only end up worse with new skills learnt from being in a place where the kids will be worse than him.
I am at a loss now as to what to do. I feel that everything I have tried for him has failed. I have tried, his father tried, very briefly, and my parent's have tried. The school has helped out so much with him and every Tuesday a policeman from the PCYC picks him up and he spends the day out with him doing activities and talking. He tells the officer that all is well and that he is going to go to school, but the next day he wags again.
I don't kid myself anymore, when I say good bye to him in the morning and tell him to have a good day at school. Now I say have a good day wagging. Sad I know. But I am realisitic.
I am worn out from trying to deal with Brandon and his crap. I have had a houseful of sick children and Abbey has been sick for over a month now and not getting any better.
Not sure where to go or where to turn to anymore. Seem's everything that I do and try to do ends up back in my face. Perhaps I should listen to the people who tell me to kick him to the side. But I know I can't. He is MY child. There has to be a reason for all of this, and come hell or high water I will get to the bottom of it.
Now can someone please give me the strength to do it !!
Oh Trish, what a mess! I can't give you any wonderful words, or any advice really, but I'll offer a and a shoulder, and a listening ear.
Do you have a Big Brothers program in Australia? Here, if there is a boy without a strong male role model in his life, you can sign them up for Big Brothers, and someone will come and spend time with him, take him out and do "man things", talk and listen, etc. Any chance something like that, over a long term, would help? Is there anyone recovered from life on the street with drugs, alcohol, and no schooling that you could maybe contact to talk to your son about what he's heading for?
I agree with the others, it does sound like they're crying for attention - probably from their father - combined with a belief that no one cares, and that they're not going to succeed anyways. And I don't know how to convince them that those things are not true.
A mother doesn't "kick her child to the side" - I know how you feel about that. You'll never give up on them, or stop loving them. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they need to remain in your care. I'm not going to pretend that I should tell you what to do! I just wanted to say that turning them over to someone else's care, in whatever way you think is best, doesn't mean that you are giving up or not loving them. It might be the best way to show that you love them. But I'm not in your shoes honey, you know yourself and your boys, and you can decide!
I'm so sorry that I can't really help, but as I said, I'll listen, and I'll be praying for you and your family.
My heart hurts for you hun. I feel your frustration and despair. The constant questioning of yourself, and "where did I go wrong?"
I was recently given a book He'll be ok: Growing gorgeous boys into good men by Celia Lashlie. I have only just started reading it, so I can't say whether or not it is life changing or not. My therapist recommended it and she has read it and said it is brilliant. As I go continue reading I will let you know...
As for kicking him to the side... He is 16, an age where he has to be responsible for his bahaviour and choices he makes, and live with the consequences. As harsh as that seems, it is truth... in two years he is 18. legally classified as an adult - able to vote, legally drink,(i know he is already doing this) and a mutlitude of other things...
I don't think you need to kick him to the side - but I do think you need to "let go" per say. With a very clear message that he is old enough now to take responsiblity for his behaviour and choices, and the consequences that follow. Tell him that you love him very much, and that it hurts you profoundly that he feels he has to do these things, but you will no longer run around trying to "fix" it. Because you can't fix it hun. This is his journey, and it will be as hard or easy as the path he chooses to take. You have other children - younger children - who due to their ages have a very real need for you to be physically available to them.
Its not unlike someone with an addiction - while people around a person with an addiction continue to enable that addiction by making excuses giving them money or whatever, that person can continue to not take responsibility for their own behaviour.
I don't know if any thing I have said has made sense or not. I hope that you are able to find the strength to let him go - for your sake, for your family's sake, and for his sake. Sometimes as the saying goes, if you love someone you have to let them go.
Trish - maybe have a look at this book... the thing that appealed to me was what is written on the back:
Adolescent boys - they seem to disappear into another world where they barely communicate and where fast cars, alcohol and drugs are constant temptations. Will they survive to become good men? How can parents and schools understand them and help them through this difficult and dangerous time?
Celia Lashlie has some of the answers. After years working in the prision service she knows what can happen when boys make the wrong choices. She also knows what its like to be a parent - she raised a son on her own and feared for his survival.
In this funny honest no-nonsense book, researcher and social commentator Celia Lashlie reveals what goes inside the world of boys, and that it is an entirely different world from that of girls. With clarity and insight she offers parents - especially mothers - practical and reassuring advice on raising their boys to become good, loving, articulate men.
not having had good role models myself, I tend to go looking for information where ever I can find it, so I can at least make some better decisions and choices then the ones modelled to me. Hence why I am reading this book... Sorry that I got the boys mixed up - glad the big one is not giving you trouble anymore. my little man woke up at 4.30 this morning after being awake on and off all night and I have just put him back to bed - so think I will follow suit.
Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, I feel your pain and frustration hun I really do. I wish there was some magic solution (if I find one I'll pass it on, i promise!!) Knowing I'm not alone in my experiences with my children has helped tremendously - hasn't necessarily solved anything - but having others share their own experiences (even yours) makes the journey a lot less lonely.
Sorry you are going through this at the moment Trish. I obviously have no experience, but I have two step-brothers who have been in trouble with the law frequently. Both were really affected by their parent's divorce (mum walked out).
All I could suggest is, have you tried counselling? Maybe it would help if you and Brandon could talk with a professional about how he is feeling about life, etc.? He sounds like he has a lot of hurt (maybe from not having dad at home?) and it may help to sort through the issues and work out ways to manage them.
Again, I don't know, I'm no expert and you may have already gone down that path. I just wanted to pop in and tell you that you are doing a great job, I know you are doing everything you can .
Hi Trish / ladies, I understand how you are feeling,life can be really tough on us as parents,and no matter how much we try,sometimes things never seem to get any easier.It wouln`t be the first time I`ve had a cry or broken down due to the frustration of parenting,we don`t get a baby/child/ teenage manual to help with raising our kids our eldest is nearly 15 and his behaviour has change over the last few months,I think it has alot to do with who your friends are at school sometimes,they just have a mind of their own and won`t listen. good luck.
Firstly I wanted to say that you are the most amazing mother so please please don't forget that.
I was talking to DH about this situation. He had a bit of a troubled childhood. He ran away from home at when his parents divorced and didn't get into trouble as much but it was heading that way. I asked him why he didn't end up in trouble and his answer was martial arts. He has studied a number of martial arts since the age of 4 and he said that it tought him respect, discipline and self control. I know it isn't going to be a quick fix, but perhaps if DS finds an interest such as martial arts, he will begin to get back on track. A way of redirecting all that negative energy. Getting him there is the first step and it is really only the tip of the iceberg, but I just thought I'd mention it for what its worth.
More Trish. I reckon there are millions of mothers who want to put it in the too-hard basket! Who can blame you, you really do put your entire heart and soul into your kids, so when you can see them struggling and you've tried everything that you know to do and it still isn't helping, where do you go from there? I wish I had a magic answer for you!
Spring has given a great suggestion, I've heard of others that have done a sport or martial arts and it really helped lift depression and give self esteem.
I was thinking about you and Brandon this morning and remembered back to when I was his age. It's that age where you are hitting puberty and you start becoming more aware of the reality of life. My parents divorced when I was 3 1/2 and my dad had very little to do with us kids, he moved to a different state and we barely saw him. I held out hope for years that he really loved me and wanted me and one day he would come and rescue me (my mum was wonderful btw, but I was a little girl who just needed her daddy). When I was 14 it just dawned on me one day that my dad didn't really want me (he didn't) and he never had. I think I'd finally gotten to an age where the penny dropped and it hurt really bad. I felt a lot of anger and hate and I went into a dark depression. I rebelled in my own way (I was pretty tame at rebelling LOL) for a couple of years. It took an older friend who was a trusted mentor to speak to me and helped guide me out of my depression. I never went back after that.
I'm sorry if I've bored you with my own personal story! I just was thinking about your son and realised he's around the same age as I was when I went through a rough patch. I have no idea of his situation with his own dad and it probably isn't even similar, but not having your parents together can really affect you. Even if it is better off not to have both parents together (my mum was MUCH better off without my dad!), it still affects kids.
Anyway, I'm not much help, but I just thought it might help you to know that it is most likely an age thing and that with the right guidance (maybe martial arts, a sport, a close friend, etc...) he can change his path. All you can really do is just continue to love him and be the stable parent in his life. He will always remember that and will have a great deal of respect for you (even if he doesn't show it right now).
Trish, this is one of my biggest fears I think. I have watched my parents struggle with my younger brother (who is now 21) for years. He has been in and out of courts etc, He is currently serving a suspended sentence. the amount of crap this kid/bloke has done over the years is just amazing.
Worst of all he is usually the older one of the group so while he gets charged the others are let off with warning etc.
His worst was being involved with a group of "mates" who decided to go mug some people, each of the 3 victims say that my brother wasn't involved, just stood off to the side. But he was there, he was the only one over 18 ( I think he was 18 at the time), he was with them when they got picked up etc so he is n ow "doing the time"
My brother does have mental health issues, depression, anxiety etc. He also has learning difficulties. he ahs no concepts of cause & effect. So he is the perfect "sheep" He does these things just be a part of the group.
Unfortantly I have no magic answer to help you & say this is what works because so far, nothing has worked for my parents dealign with my brother. they bail him out time & time again. Even after a 2 week stay in silverwater jail, he still hasn't really learnt.
His crimes have settled down to mostly driving offences now, he no longer has his licence. But I think this is just because he has no way of getting out with his mate etc. Has no car, no job, lives at home.
The only thing I can say is that maybe sending him off to "the naughty boys home" (lol I have to laugh at that as mum use to always threated to call them to come get my brother when he was little, if only she had LOL) may be the wake up call he needs. He ahs pushed you all to far & what else can you do? It sounds as though he thinks its all empty threats. Maybe a good scare will bring him back to earth KWIM?
Oh Trish, I'm sorry this is happening - you must be so worn out.
From my Dp, a previous "naughty boy" who was sent to a "naughty boys" home, please don't go that option. He says it was the beginning of the end for him. There were other factors that started him down this track (saving a kid from being beaten up by the local cops son, only to have the cops son lie and say it was him), but the home was the most horrible, horrible place and to some extent I think it broke his spirit in a really sad way.
I didn't find the school counsellor much help for DD, but she did refer her to a fabulous program we have been involved with for the last 2 years. She goes away surfing, rock climbing - and has learnt some fabulous coping skills. She also realises how lucky she is to have so many loving people in her life.
I know you are up in NSW, I can ask at REFS and see if they know any similar programs in your area??
BTW - I think the sport thing is a brilliant idea.
My cousin has 2 boys who were heading in that same direction. One got really into the gym with his dad and he is also really good at cartooning so she started sending him to art school as an extra-curricular activity. The younger one got into football, baseball and modelling so he is now at a school where his sporting activities rely on him achieving academically. Both of them have really calmed down by being channelled into activities that burn up energy and are things they are really interested in.
The other thing she looked into was yoga for children with behavioural issues. Martial arts would be a similar thing I think in the focus and control aspects. I think if they can fins something that interests them and can focus on that more than mucking up it can help them through the difficult years.
Trish, have you considered Father O'Reilly's program for teen boys? Not sure if that is the same as sending him to a boys home or not (and that is such an unappealing idea to send him to one of those) but from what he says there isn't a nut he can't crack in terms of turning around wayard teenagers.
Its not fair at all that you've had to deal with this again with Brandon, actually it completely sucks, all I can hope that he has a lightbulb moment and realise what a little rotter he is being and clean his act up.
Reply With Quote
while my other two are the total opposite and it just makes me so sad as a mom..I don't know how he has turned out the way he has, he is always thinking about money, how to get it, earn it, if he has it, and will do just about anything to get it. Wants the namebrand stuff, while my other son is not this way and neither is my daughter, they don't even go to a school where this is a norm, they go to non-traditional schools, so my son really doesn't have very many friends, because he isn't a nice kid, this also makes me sad.
Bookmarks