I don't know what to do

[*Efjay*]

There is 2 years between all of mine. I don't mind DH being ont he computer. Its really his oonly "me" time. He usually gets up about 6 am & sits here till he has to start getting ready which is either before we all get up or when Evan has to get ready also.

The TV is a bit of an issue. I turn it off if it becomes too much of a distraction. Most mornings its just me getting them all ready as DH leaves before they get up.

We had issues about him catching the bus home as it takes 40 minutes when pickin ghim takes 10. But I thought it may help with his afternoon behaviour to let him have that extra time with is mates. You see I don't mind him goin gover or having friends over but other parents around here just aren't into it. Which is fair enough, they have older kids who have homework etc, Its not like its just across the road either. So I thought letting him catch the bus with his friends would help, It last about a fortnight before he said tis long & doesn't want to catch it. So thats out the window. Mornings he will catch now & then as it drops them at the school before doign the main part of the run.

I am feeling a little better now, the homrones have settled down obviously...

[Trillian]

Its not admitting defeat to ask for help - its saying "I need more tools to handle this issue, so what have you got for me?" Its hard when you have a stubborn child - my second is like that (not to the same point that Evan is, but we butt heads ALOT) and you just have to stay one step ahead of them. Mine is worse if she doesn't get enough sleep at night, so that's one thing I wont negotiate on at night. Also in the morning the TV does not go on at all till I have put them on the bus. I don't have much that I can offer to help you, because our kids are slightly different so what works for me may not for you. I don't think that him not being a morning person is part of it - he can get himself up to watch his Dad play games. Maybe while he is watching he be getting dressed then. He seems to really love his Dad, so maybe if you had all his clothes out the night before it would be easy for you DH to give them to him and ask him to put them on while he is watching him?

[catherinemoses]

I mainly just wanted to say have you tried vicks on the feet for the cough?? Apparently it works very, very well to stop a night time cough!

Also if this kind of behaviour has been going on since he was 3 I would probably be getting him assessed for something...I don't know what Maybe you could go to your GP about it and see what they say? (there are some kids who genuinely have ADD and who really benefit from medication) Does he only do it at home? Is he a saint everywhere else? If yes then IMO you have a boundary issue, he knows you will get angry if he does or doesn't do....... he's got you. If no go see the GP and see who they suggest to see.
HTH
(I grew up in a foster family who dealt with a lot of 'problem' kids)

[*Efjay*]

No his behaviour extends outside of the house. But its more with me then DH, but then that could be because he is more with me then DH as DH works. But Its not limited to the house or just me thats for sure.

I don't think taking him to school in his PJs would do much as he would happily throw a massive tantrum in front of his school. He has in the past. Makes me feel so small when he carries on like he does in front of the other parents at the school. Im sure im just imagining it but it feels like they all look at me as some hopeless mum who is pregnant again & can't handle the kid she has.

If I went to the GP would I take him with me? or just go & talk on my own( well without him, im never on my own these days).

I worry that DH dismisses the behaviour as nothing more then just him not being a morning person,, being like me etc because his parents are the kind to sweep things under the rug, out of sight out of mind. I mean DH grew up suffering with anxiety attacks (his earliest memory of one was when he was 8) & nothing being said or done to help him, when he was in his early 20's he went to a Dr who helped him see what was wrong & when he told his parents it came out that his dad is that same, his uncles, grandfather etc all the same. Its a known problem in his family yet NO one talks about it or at least did until DH spoke up & said I have an anxiety disorder.

We do think that Evan is showing signs of suffering anxiety as well & DH is helping him with that. But Again I wonder if DH is unknowingly dismissing it because thats how it was delt with when he was little.

It surprises me a little that DH is so casual about it. Maybe because he doesn't see the every day outbursts & behaviour that I do? Maybe its because he has been programmed that everything is "normal" if you say it is.

I don't want Evan on medications, if it came to something like that then I would look at controlling it with diet, but again that would be hard as the kid doesn't bloody eat with out a fight.

I appreciate the suggestions about DH & the computer games in the mornings but its really not part of the issue as DH is often up & gone by the time Evan gets up. Its only a rare thing that Evan wakes while DH is still on the PC or even home. Its only 1 or 2 mornings a week that DH is home before Evan goes to school that he can take him to the bus.

LOL would it be bad to have Evan sleep in his school clothes? LOL save a lot of hassle in the mornings thats for sure!

I might build up the courage to talk to his teacher.

[MrsFabuloso]

I think it would be a good idea to talk to others who spend time with him, like his teacher. There could be underlying problems. There is no need to feel embarrassed or self concious. Everyone has troubles with things and needs help at times.
Maybe it would be good to talk to the gp with your DH if you can. And without Evan, or if you can swing it, any kids.
Being pg certainly wouldn't help with your emotions to deal with his emotions too. I know how hard it is to deal with an irate child and being hormonal. There has been many a time I have had to walk away from DD and ignore whatever she's doing just so I don't go mental at her. And she's only 15mths!

[Beatrix]

hey FJ,

Teleah is very similar to Evan behaviour wise.

my tips are,

even though Glenn and Isla behave, no TV turned on at all in the mornig til everyone is ready.

If you say you will go to school in your pjs, follow through (take a bag with his day clothes with you ) but do it.

Diet control is a massive key... start out trying to cut out as much sugar and food colourings as possible makes a huge difference


And def discuss any worries with your family GP


good luck and hugs

[ll80]

I'd go to your GP and ask for a referral to see a childrens psychologist.

It wont hurt to get him assessed at all. They may say he is fine or has issues with some things.
You will know where you stand and you will have someone else that is able to explain to your DH that it isn't just because he is not a morning person, that he behaves the way he does, for a reason, he may not be able to help it.
Going to get him assessed isn't going to hurt him at all and may give you the piece of mind you need as well as some tools to deal with his behaviour.

Good Luck

..Laura

[Bathsheba]

Got a minute or so while the eggs cook...

I've been through a bit of this when my DD was 6. I returned to study and the mornings became a bit more hectic. At that point DH drove her to school and they were always locking horns about being late. One thing I do remember (she is 13yo now) is that she largely dressed herself. I would brush her hair and do the final touches. Routine is the best solution to school mornings... it really helps is everything is done in the same order at the same time... kids are like horses (those holiday farm trail ride ones) and function best when things are predictable. I recall making a very simple written list and sticking it on her bedroom wall at her height:

7am Get Up
7.05 Come out for breakfast
7.20 pack bag
7.25 brush teeth
7.30 Get dressed

They had to leave at about 7.45 to be at my DD's school at 8am (she went into Before Care).

She had a digital clock in her bedroom. It was at about this age that she could read well enough to know what the list said... at first I had to help her.

Since then I have been doing less and less for her. As my study commitments increased i parented in a way that left her to her own devices in the mornings... by 7 she was making her own breakfast and by about 8 she was making her own lunch. By 9 I was doing nothing except making sure her uniform and shoes were clean and signing forms and checking homework. By 10 she was walking to school by herself. Personally think most kids are capable of this process.

Just a suggestion but maybe step back and do as little as possible. At the moment the struggle over putting on socks is unnecessary. Who puts his socks on at school when they need to remove their shoes? I bet his teacher doesn't!

I'm not saying you are parenting poorly. Only you know what is necessary for your child. Most children will try to manipulate their parents into doing as much as they can for them. it's a form of negative attention seeking behaviour. What you could try is "catching him being good". make him prefer good attention. Ignore the bad as much as possible. If he does one thing each morning without having to be told them praise him for it... if he eats his toast without argument say "that's great, you've eaten your toast would you like a milkshake?' spring a few treats in there so he tries doing the right thing more often. But he can't demand treats... say they only happen when he does the right thing without you getting cross. And they don't always happen, just sometimes....

Accept that nearly ALL parents find themselves at their wits end like you do

better go get the eggs before they boil dry!!!

[Jennifer13]

7am Get Up
7.05 Come out for breakfast
7.20 pack bag
7.25 brush teeth
7.30 Get dressed

They had to leave at about 7.45 to be at my DD's school at 8am (she went into Before Care).

She had a digital clock in her bedroom. It was at about this age that she could read well enough to know what the list said... at first I had to help her.

I think Bath's suggestion of a set routine is a good idea. Please feel free to ignore this advice as from someone who is only dealing with a 2 yr old that needs constant convincing - rather than a 6 yr old!

I saw on one of those TV shows 'Little Angels' the other day where the child psychologist (also dealing with a 6 yr old but he had ADHD) made up a routine chart, but used pictures and got the kids to tick next to each picture when they'd completed that task for the morning. If he got to the end of the week with all ticks then he got a reward (a trip to a park or something).

The pictures were simple - a bowl for breakfast, clothes for getting dressed, toothbrush, shoes.

Maybe that would help? The kids got heaps of praise when they finished all of their tasks for the morning and were allowed to watch TV once they were all ready.

I know I'll be back here in a few years asking exactly the same kind of questions!

[*Efjay*]

Yep A white board is on my shopping list!
I spoke with is teacher this afternoon, she actually approached me. Started off telling me that she wanted to mention that Evan seemed frightened about something. My heart sank thinking he thought I was goign to beat him silly or something. But she said she spoke with twice over the day & he said something about the bigger kids bossing him around a bit at play time. Somethign about him being told to not play on the big oval where the big kids are because he will get hurt.
She didn't think anything nasty was meant by it but thought Evan may have taken it the wrong way. Which I agree that he often will react badly to that sort direction. He likes to play with the big kids so beging told to go away would have been hard for him.
I told her we have trouble with his behaviour at home which she was surprised by, was also surprised about him not dresing himself etc. She said she will make it apart of the lessons about helping at home & doing their part in the mornings & agreed a chart "reward" system may help.

I asked if she thought there were any signs at school that he may have somethign deeper going on but she didn't seem to think so but also said she will pay closer attention.
I asked if she thought the school counsellor would be of any help seems his issues at home aren't really school related, she didn't seem to think so, said they are too young to really understand at 6 & that they would just talk. But said If I wanted we could set it up.

So I am going to do up a chart, No TV, have things simple in the mornings. CLothes ready etc.


I still feel so helpless, Even coming home he asked for an ice cream & I said No not today. WHY!!! I said that he didn't get treats every day. He asked why he had no money for canteen & I told him he was too naughty this morning. To which he replied that money wasn't a treat!

SO I think from now on the pocket money can stop & some real effort to earn it can be made. He is learning nothing of the value of money obvioulsy with the current system.

I think maybe I will give each morning thing a value & if he does it he can add that to his "bank" but if there is hassle he doesn't get it.

I just hope things improve soon.