im pulling my hair out

[chody47]

That sounds really tough.

One thing I've been told from behaviour 'specialists' within the education department (I'm a teacher) is to pick one thing to work on at a time. Pick one thing that stresses you the most at the moment and work on that. When I do this for the kids in my class I make a little Velcro chart with 3-4 tokens. Each time they show the desired behaviour that you're working on a token is taken off. When they've had all tokens taken off they get a short reward (for one student in particular its 10-15 mins of computer time). The key with this is to try to catch them doing the right things really often and get the tokens off quickly. It's also important that you don't put them back on if they don't shown the desired behaviour.

I don't know if the above will work for you, but it could be worth a try?

[bubno.3]

chody47: thanks any tips will help ATM he is in my bed settled not quite asleep but settled ...

[Artechim]

Can you get in to see someone about him? Sounds like you are at the end of your rope and I know how freaking tough it is with two parents, I can only imagine how much it would wear you down flying solo.

You are posting here because you *know* that something isn't right. It might be time for some professional help

[bubno.3]

Artechim : you are so correct on both levels

[bubno.3]

and i will when everyone os back to work after New year.....as i know my little man is not happy ... he told me that he remembers dad yelling at me WTF this child was 8 months when we were married and 2 1/2 when i collected the kids the stuff and fled ... in early 2011

The verbal **** followed after we were married ....

[*Efjay*]

GP - referral to a pead who specialises in behavioural problems & in the mean time do some research on ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorders & sensory processing disorders. If you can start keeping a log of his behaviours, what you think set it off, how long it lasted & give it a rating to gauge how extreme you think it was. Think back & write up anything & everything from when he was a baby about his development & any behaviours your other kids did not do or that you thought was odd in comparison. Record (video) him when you can. Ask his dad to do the same. The fact that this is occurring in more then one setting sets red flags for me. Also speak with his daycare about your concerns & ask them to do their own behaviour observations & compile a written report you can take with you when you see your GP & then pead. See a pead first then they can refer you further to a psych or occupational therapist & possibly a speech pathologist if need be for further assessments.

I hate that I jump to those things all the time when I read posts like this but there are tantrums then there are meltdowns. Tantrums in your average 4yr old do not go on & on for that long. I speak from experience & with empathy for your situation. I have 5 children & a husband who are all on the spectrum in one way or another. Trust me I know how demanding & draining challenging behaviours can be. If you feel something is not quiet right with your DS act now. Early intervention is the key with any behavioural or other possibly issues.

Stay strong, take a breather when you need to & in the new year start asking for help. Once you do, things will get easier xox

[bubno.3]

Thanks Efjay Fiona ...i will do what you suggested as i have always thought ADHD or at least on the verge of it and everyone else says NO he is just a 'naughty kid' or he is very 'Strong Willed' and im thinking mmm i dont think so .... even his father want budge on the psych/developmental/Adhd avenue .... So it is me that will find out what is up with the behaviour as i cant handle it let alone the person (my child) having to live thru it as it must be frightening having 60 min meltdowns .

[*Efjay*]

There is a blog called "My Aspergers child" have a read of the articles on that & also if your google ADHD Australia a page will come up that the web address is pretty much the normal blurb ADHD . com. A lot of information on there also.
Don't jump to quick to ADHD learn what you can so you can identify the issues for what they are & not what they appear to be It could be nothing, it could be something that looks like the other or it could be a combination of all of the above.

[bubno.3]

Today : i spent one on one with him and he was a sweet little angel but then i asked him to pick up a hat and his toy but do u reckon he would do it without attutude and defiance... its like a switch one second nice as pie and the next a little pain in the bum. He was being good for a good 30 mins so i snuck to the car and grabbed two (one for his brother) bubble maker from reject shop from santa.... i hid them in my room ... as my 4 yr old was playing nicely and being nice i said you know what has happened this morning Santa came a little early and left two presents one for you and one for C ....he left them outside the front door . A said with a huge smile really mum really i said see what happend when you are really good and you sleep and dont yell and scream santa sees it and you got a present early... i said have a look on my bed ... he ran to my room and squeeled bubbles mum bubbles and theres two one for cam as well but im having the blue one ok .... and he was perfect . Then he snapped again as he was getting rough with C and after a warning i took the bubbles away and i thought he we go theres going to be a meltdown. Then they had there lunch and the attitude started again and i said your having a sleep after you eat as you must be tired... so there both in the room atm with the fan going flat out as it is so damn warm already ...and i can hear him playing up and he will be moved in a minute as i have warned him that the next time i have to come in he is on the couch ....
So it has been an up and down morning but better than yesterday ! Im getting my period too so im probably not fun to be around also lol and everytihing is annoying .

[bubno.3]

another meltdown as i type : started at 1 17pm as i turned the movie off as he was being naughty .... all i can hear is i want the telly on i want the telly on i want the telly on .... i have told him to stop the yelling and screaming but it goes in one ear and out the other .... i have left and come back it is now 1 33pm and we have had a meltdown and crying for no reason now i have put him in the bath only thing i could think of to calm him down FFS what it wrong with this child ..... i cant wait for the dr and specialist to be back up and running as i have been pushed to my parent limit .....
We got into luke warm bath as its hot here and he started up again like i put him in a freezing bath it was unbelievable... i told him to calm down and sit in the bath ...unreal is all i can say

[bubno.3]

and then i said to him why were you yelling and screaming and he said 'cause i wanted the tv on ' i said well you dont yell and scream as that is naughty and naughty boys get no tv no this no that .... i then said your going to bed when you get out of the bath he said no im not .... and i said ' im sick of you being a naughty child and i would like it ti stop and when i get you out of the bath is 5 mins you will be going to bed to have a sleep '
all in this time with me shouting (which isnt cool i know) and his screaming my 2 yr old is asleep

That is a typical day for me when my 4 yr decides that having a melt down is better than accepting things and being nice

[Butterfly Dawn]

its so hard. we have mega melt downs over what I think is stupid stuff. but Im trying to just ignore them. i' ll tell them- I can see your upset, when you can calm down we can talk about. I can't hear when u yell at me.
then I ask- what helps to calm down? breathing , nice big breaths. (it helps me too
if they can't then I walk away.

sometimes it works sometimes not.
I don't want my kids to feel its not ok to be upset. but I wish they would learn to not sweat the small stuff do much!

hugs. hang in there

[bubno.3]

Yes i do the breathing thing as well and soemtimes it works and sometime it doesnt ...... the bath well it diffused it to a point ... at least i didnt have a hyperventilated HOT kid just a hyperverntilated wet one lol

[Butterfly Dawn]

bedtime has been a nightmare tonight.
boys playing up, waking up the baby, adults getting angry. oh boy! Im ready for a wine.
bedtime is our hardest thing atm. I been using nanny 911 and everything else but its taking too long for anything to work *screams*
how are your bedtimes?

[*Efjay*]

Can I suggest you try some visuals warnings for him. If you can print out or make with pencils a STOP sign and also some RED, ORANGE & GREEN squares (or any shape). Green is everyone is happy. Orange is we need to check our behaviour (its making Mummy sad) & Red is inappropriate behaviour (Mummy is now sad). Also have a few dots on a card that you can remove (sticky back velcro attacked to the card & the dots works well) 1 dot for every minute. Idea is that you show him how many minutes till something is coming to an end & you show him as you remove each dot. "ok DS, its almost time to finish watching TV so we can brush our teeth, Look 5 more minutes" Then go back to him, "OK DS, 4 more minutes" & remove a dot while you show him the card.
I can email you some links with free printable visual aids if you like. But if you can have a collection of basic home things like bed, bath, teeth, dinner etc & then you can have the card (I have a A4 length of paper that is cut down the middle, laminted with a strip of velcro so I can add or remove visuals) so you have your allocated dots (you may only need 3) & the task that is coming to an end at the bottom OR the task that needs to happen, So with the above example you could have 5 dots running down to a picture of the TV off & then one of a tooth brush/paste.

If my kids have no warning they freak out. Having the visuals has helped a heap in their ability to process what they are being told. Break down instructions to very simple requests. It may seem like nagging but step by step. It can be easy to forget that they are as young as they are & our expectations can often be set to high.

With your above situation regarding the toys. You could have your card with dots & pack up toys on it. Let him know its almost time to finish up. Then when its time, praise him for playing so nicely, give him a high five & say enthusiastically "OK Lets pack these toys away together, Can you Please put away your cars" Once he has done this, again lots of praise for doing such a good job & helping Mummy (because it makes mummy smile, yes you should have a visual of this too) & toss in another high five or a pat on the back/hug etc.

With the TV situation, I understand that often there needs to be an immediate consequence to behaviours that are not appropriate. BUT try to remember that you have just interrupted his show. It was not finished. If its a DVD can I suggest you pause it? Use your stop sign & tell him his behaviour is in the orange, if he would like to continue watching his show you need to be in the green. But if it hits red, then the movie is off till we are back in Green. Hopefully he will understand eventually that Green behaviour is much more rewarding & you will get less red as things settle into a better understanding.

I know I am making a lot of assumptions but he could be misunderstanding you, he could have a delayed processing speed for auditory information (this were the visuals come in) & when you are unsure, overwhelmed or feeling anxious because you are unsure of what is expected of you then my experience has been the child will explode. Not all respond this way. My younger son is more sulky & responds with tears & frustration.

I will sit over the next few days & email you some links

[bubno.3]

Thanks for that reply and suggestions it so makes sense....the cards ect

(i know i dont need to but i have always worked with countdowns and warnings expecially bath time and bedtime and tv time and i i usually do pause the tv/movie but sometimes nothing works OR my tactics dont work )

Thanks again..... so can i buy the cards or do i make them (im hopeless at making stuff )

[bubno.3]

hello

My bedtimes are usually pretty good but i do allow DS who is 4 to sleep in my bed then i transfer him if i need too half the time he walks ...
I do this as they wake each other up (2yr old and 4 yr old in one room)

So what time did yoyu get that wine and everyone asleep?

[*Efjay*]

Thanks for that reply and suggestions it so makes sense....the cards ect

(i know i dont need to but i have always worked with countdowns and warnings expecially bath time and bedtime and tv time and i i usually do pause the tv/movie but sometimes nothing works OR my tactics dont work )

Thanks again..... so can i buy the cards or do i make them (im hopeless at making stuff )

I think everyone uses countdowns etc, I hope you did not think I was saying you don't . I think its worth trying the visual count down though

With the cards, you can print them off & laminate them. Add a sticky back velcro dot & your done