I think I actually posted the exact same thing about 10 months ago about my son! Every single thing you have written was what we went through. And unfortunately (not to put you off) triple P, behaviour tonics, ngala and 123 Magic were no help what so ever!!! I thought for a while he had something wrong with him and I went to speak to a child psychologist, who actually informed me that they don't like to do anything until they are closer to 7 years of age. When he changed schools, we found a complete change in his behaviour. Where before he had major issues with verbalising his emotions and listening to reason, he can now stop and listen to what we are asking and not all the time but most times we can reason with him. We give him options...do you want a shower or a bath? Do you want to get yourself dressed or do you want me to help? And Praise EVERYTHING! It gets exhausting but we absolutely praise every single good choice he makes. We have gone from him being in time out from the moment he opens his eyes in the morning, to not being put in time out now for well over 6 months. Have a chat to his teacher, and see if they can incorporate some lessons at school on listening to parents, and making good choices. As you know by his behaviour at school, he is capable of making good choices. If there were something wrong, he would act up at school too. I feel for you, I know how frustrating it can be, especially when you know they are good for other people.
A referral to a psychologist might be moRe helpful than a paediatrician I suspect - you need advice and support about how to manage him (not necessarily counselling for him - but that may be an option too). A paed will consider things medically and probably won't spend the time on how to manage the behavioural stuff that you might need.
Triple P has good research behind it - but can be a bit heavy on the theory which can put some people off, or make it a bit difficult. Changes can be hard for kids - keep at it, you are trying and that's important.
my dd was much younger, but struggled for awhile after ds was born. she got quite violent, and we couldn't leave her with the baby unless there was an adult in arm's reach.
we found her behaviour improved and she was much happier, when we planned more one on one opportunities, especially physical ones. (park, wrestling, trampoline, big cuddles or tickles).
we also made opportunities for short, positive interactions between her and baby. it made her feel important as a big sister.
now they are great friends , but I wondered if ds would even survive his first year, in the early days.
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