Hi Ladies,
I'm hoping for some words of encouragement or some happy endings.
I'm going back to work 3 days a week this Wednesday after being a SAHM for 2.5 years. I have chosen a great daycare centre for my two little ones that I'm really happy with. My problem is my baby girl. She has never been in care before and well to be honest she's a bit of a Princess and a drama queen. I've been going every afternoon for an hour or so for the last week to get her used to it and she's been fine. DS loves it already!! Today we went this morning with the plan to get her to have her morning sleep there.
It was a nightmare!!!
After 2 hours of her wailing and screaming and arching her back I gave up and we wnt home defeated. She has been very unsettled all day with just 2 fitful sleeps of 30 mins each. She normally does 2-3 hours in the am and another hour in the pm.
The carers tried all their tricks, I tried singing, rocking, sshhing everything and nothing worked. She just would not give in. She hasn't wanted her bottles all day either, she's just wanted her dummy and to be held.
I don't know what to do.
Do I can the job and tell them I'm not coming? Do I persevere and hope she settles eventually?
I'm going to go again tomorrow morning and try again.
I'm so stressed and upset and confused about this. I feel sick with worry that she'll be so distressed and not cope at all.
Has anyone a happy ending? Did your baby hate it to begin with and then settle?
Eewww bugger, I have a princess too and I'm not sure how she's going to go either...
Anyhoo, if there is tears and screaming I will give her a firm " Byebye, mummys coming back later!" and a big smile and I'll be walking out the door. (maybe sobbing in the car...)
This worked with DD1 an absolute treat, because I always did come back, and because I HAD to go to work. On advice from the staff I snuck back in a few minutes later and she was happily playing on the floor with not a care in the world.
If you let her know you ARE going and if she knows you WILL come back she should get used to it, but if she is a proper princess she will let you know she DOES NOT APPROVE....but it won't kill her iykwim?
Kris, big hugs hun. I can well understand how you are feeling. I don't really know what advice to give you. I am lucky my boys have been great with day care from the beginning. I used to spend a lot of time at day care when Jack was at his old kindy (right near work!) and I got to know all the kids. They all settled in within a week or so of starting except for one girl who was about 2 1/2 I think. She took a few weeks to settle in. So I would say there are some for whom day care doesn't work as well, but for most kids they do well. And being younger usually helps - at your dd's age I would think it be easier than in another few months or a year. This might not be true in your DDs case, but the chances are she will be ok.
I'm thinking that she might actually do better if you aren't there with her. I have often noticed kids (including my own on occassion!) cry for as long as parents are there and then run off and play happily the second mum or dad is out of sight. They definitely do "try it on" with us, they know how to bring on the guilts big time. Maybe tomorrow you could try dropping her off and leaving her for an hour or two and see how she goes without you. It could be worth a try.
Whatever happens this week, don't can your job just yet. You have to give it a try. If it doesn't work, you can look at getting a nanny or decide to quit work if that's an option. But I think quitting before you start will leave you wondering and I always think you should give something a shot before deciding it's not working. JMO.
Big hugs and GL. I hope she does settle in well and you can feel a bit better about it all. In my experience after going to back to work twice (once after each DS), the thought of it is actually harder than the doing. Hang in there hun, I am sure things will work out one way or another.
Kris - I hope it all works for your DD. I think tat you need to go to work just for you. And see how she goes in a little while. Where my Pip goes to CC, we've had a couple of babies that have cried for a couple of days, and then settled down. I've seen them in the mornings, they get dropped off and the parents are leaving as we get there, children crying. By the time we've signed in Pip, the kids are running and playing. Then in the nighttime, they cry and run away from their parents when its time to be picked up, cause they're having so much fun!
Keep strong, and vent here when you need to ....
kaz
I know exactly how you feel, it's horrible at the time but it does get better. TBH I found it easier not staying as that upset Charlie more, usually once you have left they settle down...she may have been playing up as you were there??'
Charlie started 2days a week at 9months & took what felt like a life time to settle in. They even said that there is hope for all other kids LOL we thought he would never settle. He now is in 3days a week, goes to the carer no probs & only cries every now & then. He doesn't cry anymore when I get there in the pm either which is nice. Though 3 or so months on he still does NOT sleep at daycare. The most he has is half hour & he is still a 2 day sleep baby at home. But they say he's happy so they just let him be. By the time i get him home witching hour is truly set in but he's in bed early so DH & I get some nice us time.
I hated leaving him there crying hysterically each time, but I also needed to work & just had to be strong to get it to work for both of us. I almost gave up, but he is fine now & we are all happy...it does happen it just takes time for some. Think a little tough love & they soon get the hang of it. Hope it goes well for you, it is hard at the start.
Thanks ladies, I will persevere with this and start work tomorrow, although I have now a nasty cold (probably allowed myself to get run down from the stress of this!!).
Paisley had a terrible day yesterday so I'm not going to try to get her to sleep there this morning.
I think you are right it's worse for her if I'm there.
From our experience, DS settles a lot better once we've said good bye and gone. Some night he doesnt want to come home!
In the mornings where he is a bit more clingy the staff are pretty good and will pick him up, encourage us to lkeav quickly (the longer we stay the worse he can get) and then they take him out to the lay area so he can see us leave for work and he waves to the us in the car as we go out the driveway.
Obviously different centres have different layouts but the idea is more to have a system that works for you so your DD will know what to expect each time you take her.
Sneaking back in for a peek or calling to check on her is a good idea too, for your peace of mind.
when i started my DD at day care at 10 1/2 months she HATED IT! she didnt sleep properly, she cried a lot, it changed her behaviours at home a little as well. it is heartbreaking to think that you are psychologicaly damaging your child! BUT after a few months she really did get used to it. she crieds when i leave but she stops soon after i have gone. when i go and pick her up she is fine and runs to me. (though at the beginnning she would start crying as soon as she saw me which is qute normal for some children as well.) as she got older she got better and more used to it.
i work in child care too so i have dealt with it from the other end and it really doesnt bother me as a carer taking a crying child from the parent (i used to feel guilty leaving my screaming child for someone else to deal with).
- do you have a special toy, blanky etc from home that she can take with her>?
- i agree say good bye and leave quickly saying you will be back later (you can always hang around outside the door where she cant see you to see how long she takes to settle or you can ring the centre from work)
- can you book her in for a couple days BEFORE you start work, that way you can leave her there by herself and pick her up after an hour or to instead of putting her in for the first time on you first day of work and she is there for the whole day??
i reckon give it a month and re-assess how she is going if she is doing better give it another month and so on, she will be fine eventually. being at day care has really helped my DD become more independant and not such a 'mummys girl'! oh, and be prepared for her to get sick quite frequently!
Not quite an answer to your question but from a carers point of view
2 minutes of goodbyes = 2 minutes of crying
20 minutes of goodbyes = 20 minutes of goodbyes
or thereabouts. It obviously depends on the child. Some adapt really easily, some just don't cope with separation. You may find your little one copes without you there (sorry). In the end, has to be your choice how long you leave her to learn to settle in. As Lulu2 says - she's just being a princess - but it won't kill her.
I say to the parents of my unsettled one, if you can just stop around the corner out of site, you will hear that the crying stops within minutes. Always feel free to ring and check in. If you do pop back in to check in the centre, try not to let her see you, as this will just make it worse
Last edited by mollycat; June 25th, 2008 at 10:02 AM.
: typo
oooh yeah! tough situation! I've BTDT with my princess too.....
DS always took to daycare well and so did she, until we moved and she went into a centre rather than FDC. That's when our dramas began.
I agree with Mollycat, leave her, a quick goodbye, kiss and I love you and then hide around the corner if you can. This was the only thing that made me feel better about leaving her sobbing. Once I saw that she got over it in a couple of minutes I knew she was just being a drama queen. Not just that but I think they also genuinely think they are gonna be left behind, which is natural but when you do leave them and you DO come back, they feel so reassured you will always come back.
I've worked in centres too and I have never seen a child go the distance on sobbing until Mum/Dad arrives I know it's heartbreaking, I really do. And I used to sob once I'd left. It will get better.
i have seen a girl cry from moment of drop off to moment of pick up! very distressing! but that is extreme and you definately would be told about it if that were to happen, in which case i would definatley take her out of care for a while til she was older. so heartbreaking and i was just working there!
Hi honey, firstly to you,
It is a hard situation and you are on the right track I have worked in long day care for nearly 13 years and I know that most children take a couple of weeks to settle in to a new environment, and as hard as it is it is easier for your child to settle when they know that mum is confident and happy that they will be fine and leave with a "mummy loves you and you will have a great, fun day and I will see you soon"
you may have tears for the initial few seperations(for both of you) talk with your carers and I can promise that the tears will not last all day and the more times you attend and stay positive and confident the easier it will get, If your carers are like me (and I hope they will be) they would call you and honestly let you know if your child could benefit from being picked up a little earlier or isn't coping as well on a particular day and we also encourage parents to call as many time as they want through the course of the day so you can feel confident that your child is happy.
good luck sweets and ulimately follow your heart
Daycare Stress - HELP!!!
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I know it's heartbreaking, I really do. And I used to sob once I'd left. It will get better. 
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