Feeling like a bad mum for NOT letting my baby cry...

[StrawberryMumma]

Hi guys

I'm not really sure what I'm after in posting this..probably just a little vent really..

After spending some time with some other mums today I went away feeling like I'm stupid/bad mum for not letting my baby cry herself to sleep..They had no intention in making me feel like that, and are gorgeous mummies. I know that I am the one making myself feel this way so it's my own fault really.

One mum has started to do some CC. Which is working for her so I have nothing against that..but why is it that mums are so applauded for doing this?! Like they are being a GOOD mother, and the rest of us who cuddle, snuggle, rock or feed our baby to sleep are suckers..well that's what it feels like anyway. I feel as though I'm stupid for still bfeeding my 5 month old 3 times a night when she wakes (may even be more or less depending on the night)..Why is there so much damn pressure to have your baby sleeping through the night?? Like it's some sort of a reflection on how good of a mother you are! and if they are not sleeping through, people always say it's because you don't let them self settle and cry themself to sleep!?! I hate feeling this pressure!

Yes, night feeds exhaust me and it would be nice to have some unbroken sleep once and a while..but if DD wakes and I give her a 5 min comfort suck to go back to sleep a few times a night is this so wrong?? Maybe it is..I don't know! All I know is that I'm trying to make my baby happy, and do what feels right to me..but then why do I still feel guilty and silly for doing this..

Maybe it's because I'm a young mummy and I doubt myself too much. But I'm sick of feeling so damn guilty for not letting my baby cry it out

Anyway just needed to get this out!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

shock at people letting tiny babies cry... when they're upset or want to talk do they expect others to just dismiss them? Crying to sleep is HORRID and WRONG. IMO, of course.

A good baby wakes at night to get the nourishment he or she needs. A bad baby sleeps through and starves. Some babies can go for long stretches at night, but if they only do it through controlled crying then it's a form of torture as it's food deprivation when a baby needs it. CC is a form of torture anyway, have you seen what it does to a baby's brain?

You're doing the absolute best thing. I never let DS cry anything out (he may cry and wail in my arms, but at least I'm trying to soothe him) and I've had doctors tell me he's so alert, bright, content and that they don't know what I'm doing, but I'm doing it right! So you can take my advice more than mummies who let their babies cry .

[Liz]

I was just saying to DH in the car this evening that it's good that DS is a pretty good sleeper these days coz I need the sleep being pg!.. and phooey to all those people that told us we were creating bad habits by attending to him so many times each night for so long. He still wakes through the night, but he just comes into our bed and goes straight back to sleep now. He gave up his night feeds a few months ago.

You're doing nothing wrong. I know I felt a bit disheartened reading about the "successful" CC stories.. but I just could never do it myself, so we stuck it out.. and in the end, he's a pretty good sleeper now (I prepared myself for 2 years LOL so it's a bonus he's sleeping earlier than that!)

CC doesn't sit right with me, and even moreso now that I've seen first hand how his sleeping patterns change so much.. to CC him would have been fighting with him all the time to fit MY schedule, and I'm pretty sure we would have been very miserable with it. I'd much rather have our wakeful nights and just quickly settle him back down with a bit of boob

Don't feel guilty - you'll feel vindicated in the end when you have a very secure and content bub that DOES sleep through There's nothing quite like the proof that's in that pudding!

[Celsie]

Oh, how I loathe the "oh, my baby has been sleeping through since six weeks" comment... Caeleb still wakes once in the night for a feed. Twice if he's unsettled. We (DH, Caeleb and I love having our 3am family meeting!)

I don't let Caeleb cry either. It's very rare that he will cry. As Ryn said, we always get comments on how he's so altert, happy and how he's always smiling. I think there must be something in that don't you?

IMO, I think you're the best type of Mum, because you're in tune with your little one and meet her need for comfort etc.

Big hugs!

Celsie. xoxox

[Nelle]

Don't feel bad Lee, like you said, you're doing what feels right to you - no-one knows your baby better than you do!

I let River cry, but that's what felt right to me (and it surely had to, because I'm a huge fan of gentle parenting) - but that's the kind of baby he was, that he cried and woke up more when I held him, and settled within a few mins of me leaving him alone. Each baby is so different though! I might have to take a completely different approach with my next!

You know your child, and you know yourself, and you figure out what works for you guys and you do it! Please don't feel bad, parenting is full of doubt at times. I don't know what else encouraging to say, except just keep doing what you think is best, because you're the expert when it comes to your baby!

ETA: Celsie, River slept through from 6 weeks, and I was too scared to tell anyone, because I knew how braggy that sounded, and it wasn't even anything I'd done! This is what I'm saying, each baby is different, I didn't need to work hard to settle River (still don't), and it has nothing to do with how I parent - it's just him! The next baby could be a whole different piece of work!

[Karina]

Lee, dont feel bad and dont feel guilty. You're not at all a bad mummy - Youre just doing wht is working for you and what you feel is best for you and your gorgeous little girl. Some of the mums in my mums group are also doing CC, and sometimes I'll hear them say things like "oh she cried for 25 minutes and I just let her do it.. eventually she just fell asleep" or "we only had to do CC for a few nights and now he is sleeping through.."
Personally, I cant do it, I cant listen to her being so upset like that knowing that I'm not coming to help her. I dont like the idea of being sad and stressed when I'm trying to fall asleep myself, so why should I put her through that? but, I'm not about to go and tell people not to do CC. If it works for them, then thats cool and good on them for finding something that works and that theyre comfortable with.

My little girl is 7.5 months and she still wakes up 2 or 3 times overnight. Sometimes a bum pat will send her back to sleep, but then she usually wakes up half an hour later. Its so much easier for her to fall back to sleep if I breastfeed her bck to sleep... Yes, I would love to sleep more than 2 hours at a time, but at the moment its not going to happen. I hate when people ask "so is she sleeping through yet?". I have started saying "sleeping through what? yes, she sleeps through stuff..."

I have had lots of people tell me that Claire seems like such a happy and calm baby. I live in a unit, so I live extremely close to my neighbours and they all ask me if she ever cries becuse they dont hear her..

anyway, Better to do something you are happy to do, rather than something that makes you unhappy...

Youre doing great, Lee, so dont make yourself feel bad for doing it your way.

[Nelle]

Lol Karina, that sleeping through thing really gets me - I don't even sleep through! I get up to pee, or I'm hungry or thirsty, or just awake - why on earth should a baby be different?

[Celsie]

Nelle - I'm just jealous!!! LOL

Celsie. xoxox

[Nelle]

I don't take him for granted, I promise Celsie!

People say to me with much glee - 'ohhh you just wait til the next one, it'll be a monster to make up for River', like they really hope I have a difficult baby next time. I really do think some people will be genuinely pleased if I struggle with the next one!

[Starfish]

Hi Lee

I echo all the other posters here. You are not doing the wrong thing. Letting your baby cry would be wrong IMO.

I don't do CC either. I have never let DD "cry it out". The most I've done is left her to cry in another room for no more than 2-3 mins while I take a deep breath and compose myself for another go at comforting her. And that's only happened about 2 times.

I am another one who gets comments from people about how happy, quiet, alert and well behaved DD is. She has "slept through" the night about 3 times maybe (she is nearly 4 months). She usually wakes up for one feed at night. We co-sleep and I just pull her over, pull out my breast and off she goes. Doesn't really count as broken sleep even.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: do what works and feels right for you. Enjoy your baby. All babies are different, so there can't possibly be a "right" way that fits every one. As long as both you and your bub are happy, then you are not doing anything wrong.

[Celsie]

People say to me with much glee - 'ohhh you just wait til the next one, it'll be a monster to make up for River'

Oh another one I loathe. Why can't people just say...

"Wow, that's fantastic that you've got a good baby! You must be doing a great job! I bet the next one will be just as good."

Celsie. xoxox

[Erin_25]

OMG, you are certainly not doing the wrong thing. You do what is right for you, if you feel right doing it then so be it. But if you can't, then don't.
I had a recent visit from my MIL who politely said "mine all slept through, I would get so exhausted if one had a bad night"!! well boo hoo for you I thought. We don't go around saying "oh my baby wakes 3 times a night, how good is he".....so we feel crappy when we hear about those that sleep through. But honestly there are more that don't sleep through, we just don't brag about it so we think we are the minority...IYKWIM. And if you speak to many people who say bubs sleeps through, many count a long 8hr stint or so a sleep through, waking around 4 or so on for a feed, so really it's not is it.
Charlie is 6.5 months & has only slept from 7pm til 7am the past week, we've just managed to break the wrapping routine & I believe that's been the key for him as he would escape several times every night. But I'd rather get up & re-wrap him so he goes back to sleep than upset me & him.
And lastly we don't just cry for no reason....& neither does a baby, they just can't tell us why they are crying. So wouldn't you rather settle them than leave them to feel lonely at an age where they don't even understand, that's just my opinion.
So don't feel bad, sounds like your doing a great job.

[Liz]

LOL Nelle - I'm the one that tells people I'm preparing for a monster this time around! hehe. Altho DS was a frequent waker, having lots of feeds overnight etc.. he never kept us awake at night.. he always settled quickly with a feed, so I consider him to have been a pretty good baby really.. nice & normal I too was frequently asked if he ever cried! and if he did cry, they'd say they've never heard him cry! We must all be doing something right to have bubs that don't cry. Hooray for us!

[Beach Mama]

I agree with what everyone else said hun and wanted to give you this . IKWYM though - even though people dont come outright and say it - there are a million ways that mummys feel guilty for things they are/arent doing. I too have hardly let her cry before comforting her - I cry if shes crying like that, and like another poster said - have only left her a couple of minutes at a time so I could compose myself before going back for round 2!

I think we need to know that as mums we are all doing what we believe is the absolute best for these beautiful creatures we made, and that regardless of what the book/mother/friend/forum says - at the end of the day - we make the choices to provide and comfort our babies in the best way we know how. We are the experts who have literally studied them and know them inside out- take heart, there are lots of us out there!!

[Liviam]

I'm not a CC mum but Olivia gets really gizzly and cries when it is bed time and the only way to stop her is to put her in bed but she usually has a grizzle in there before she goes to sleep. I never let her cry for more than 2 - 3 minutes at a time before I go in to her and settle her.
When Olivia is crying hysterically and I can't calm her down and I need a rest I put her in her cot so I know she is safe while I have some time out for round 2 like many many mums.
Don't worry about thinking you're a bad mum because to be honest I think everything single one of us and thought this at least once and if you are anything like so many mums I know it is at least once a day. Hang in there because you are doing a great job and you sound very very intune with your baby and who cares if our babies don't sleep through. Olivia doesn't and I dont' care. Don't get me wrong I would love a full solid night sleep but Olivia really does come first and I love our 3am cuddles/feeding on the couch under our doona. All of our babies will sleep through the night when they are ready too and not before, regardless of how old they are when they decide to start.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Grizzling isn't crying imo - I let Liebs grizzle too, but he rarely self-settles. Sometimes he cries for just 1-3 cries then sleeps again so I always make sure he's not just doing that too. But there's a difference between the "I'm tired" grizzle and an "I'm in distress" cry.

[StrawberryMumma]

Thanks guys for the responses..I really appreciate (sp?) the support and advice ..I have to learn to be strong in what I think is right and just shut my ears to what others are saying sometimes..You're right, I am Laila's mummy and I know her best. And there's NO way I'm going to let her just cry.

Thanks again for the much needed support.

[Lukesmum]

Crying to sleep is HORRID and WRONG. IMO, of course

I totally agree Ryn. As for sleeping through the night. Every baby is different and it has absolutely nothing to do with being a good / bad mother. DS#1 slept 12 hours straight through the night from age 3 months. DS# 2 at 6.5 months wakes about 3 times (and some times more) for a feed. I never let him cry himself to sleep. (For DS# 1 I did and totally regret it). I don't feel guilty or a bad mother even though some of my good friends think what I am doing is wrong.

We all parent differently so whatever you feel confortable doing do it and don't feel guilty about your chose. I still feel guilty about letting DS#1 cry. I wish I had of done what I was comfortable with instead of listening to everyone else. And breastfeeding opinions. I could start on that too but I won't.

You are doing a great job with Laila. Cuddle her and breastfeed her as much as you want. They are only little for such a short time. Enjoy it.