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Thread: Feeling like a bad mum for NOT letting my baby cry...

  1. #19

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    I hate the "let him cry" thing too. My DS has only started sleeping through in the last couple of months (he's 19 months old now) and he was still getting an o/n bottle up until about 3 months ago. I just could not bear him crying for me in the dark by himself, the thought of him wondering why Mummy or Daddy didn't come for him made my heart break. Yes, maybe if we'd done the CC thing he would have slept through earlier but he got it eventually and in his own time. He has had a couple of bad nights this week but he has molars coming through so still needs a cuddle for comfort and reassurance and even though I'm tired and fat he still gets a snuggle from Mummy.When we are sitting together in the rocking chair in the dark and the baby kicks him in the back and he giggles it's all worth it. He's comforted and goes back to sleep without all that distress of crying himself to sleep.

    I suppose CC works for some people but it wasn't for us.



    Bubs WILL sleep through, it just takes time for some that's all...

  2. #20

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    IMHO - I think a lot of difficulties come down to differences in definitions. What one person thinks is 'crying', another may just think is grizzling before going to sleep, therefore the parent using and promoting 'CC' may not really be using CC at all etc. But you know your baby the best and you know what it needs. How can you possibly feel guilty for loving and comforting your baby when she needs it?
    Plus I think there is no doubt that CC actually works in reducing crying but there are psychological impacts that should be understood by the parent before using CC, which is why it should be used as a last resort. Perhaps that is where that mother is at (we can all understand that I think). But why should you feel bad for not needing a last resort?
    Chin up. You are a great mum.

  3. #21

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    Thanks so much, again guys for the supportive replys and for sharing your experiences.

    (I just read my original post back and I think it sounded a bit like I WANTED to let my bub cry, did it? I really didn't mean it didn't sound like that..I just had trouble trying to explain what I meant! IYKWIM. I just meant I feel lots of pressure about what I SHOULD be doing, even though I don't think it's right..)

  4. #22

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    I just had to reply to this one.....

    In my mothers group, we had some start various forms of sleep training while we were still having our info sessions at the ECHC.... ie with babies 5 weeks of age!!! It then seemed to be contagious in my group and I am officially the only one out of 11 of us who has never used sleep training of any type with DD (now 8months). it sometimes made me so sad, I would go home crying for those babies..... it was part of the reason I found BB in the first place.

    Of course not all our conversation is about this and I have made some friends in the group, despite our differing parenting styles; they all joke about me being the "soft one" - a label I am proud to wear!!

    So Lee, as you can see there is an awesome community out here - we all do what we feel is best for our babies, but I know how it feels to feel like the black sheep..... and rod schmod.... the rod I am allegedly building for my back is another I am proud to wear!!!

  5. #23

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    I agree with everyone that has posted here so far - our DS has slept for at least 6 hours a night from about 6 weeks old (he's now 4 mths) but I was embarrassed to tell anyone and was even waking him up sometimes during the night just to make sure he was OK - which would usually mean an hour and a half or so of being awake before he'd go back to sleep - so I let him sleep now but I do still feel guilty and try not to "skite" about having a sleeping through baby - sorry Celsie if it was me that was skiting - it certainly wasn't intentional at all!!!
    every baby is so different but there is no way that I could let our DS cry in his cot - if he's crying its because he needs to be comforted - I agree there is a difference between a grizzle and a cry and I can sometimes leave him if its just a little whinge but a full on cry I'm in there within a minute (my mum did beat me to his cot the other day tho which was hilarious)
    a few of the mums in my mums group have tried CC without much success - to me it just seems cruel - babies cry because they need to communicate with us - and if I don't acknowledge DS will he then grow up to think I ignored him??? I certainly don't want that
    its so nice to read the other opinions of mums on this and nice to know I'm not the only one who picks up and cuddles my boy when he's upset
    the other thing I got told was to put my DS in his cot to go to sleep and to never allow him to go to sleep in my arms - well phooey to that - its the sweetest thing in the world to have this warm bundle snoozing away in my arms
    hugs to you all
    Mel

  6. #24

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    I always went to my (less than one year old) babies when they cried in the night, and brought them back to my own bed. But after a year, I would Ferberize them. That means, going in to their rooms when they cry, check if their hurt or sick. But if they're okay, then give them some nice pats and leave. Wait 5 minutes and if they're still crying, go back in for more pats. Then wait 10, 15, 20 mins and so on. That way, they're reassured that your'e still there, but they learn to self soothe. Good luck!

  7. #25

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    Re: my above post.

    Was that under the category of controlled crying? Sorry, new to this thread...OOOPS

  8. #26

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    I'm only pregnant. My bub isn't even born yet and I have people telling me to CC. It really annoys me. I plan to Not use cc and I know I'm going to get alot of comments and S**t about it when he is born but I'm not going to let him cry to make everyone else happy.

  9. #27

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    TBH the thought of CC makes me shudder. But as the other ladies have said, it is one of the first thing people ask you 'does he sleep through?' DS is not even 10 weeks yet and it seems that people think it is some sort of 'fault' that he doesn't sleep with waking.

    At the moment he wakes 2 sometimes three times for a feed, nappy change and then back to bed. On the odd occasion it takes a while for him to settle, but usually he nods of while feeding. But my point is, he is a baby, that is what they do, I am not going to ignore his crys because of some sort of social pressure to confirm to a timetable. It doesn't bother me, I'd love to have unbroken sleep but it is so much more important to me that my son knows 'mum is always there'.

    I was talking to my Mum about this just yesterday she demand fed, let us self wean and didn't control cry with my two sisters and I. Bringing up babies in the 70's 60's with this sort of approach meant that people would call her a Hippie, I guess now we are called softies. Mum said whenever people asked her if we were sleeping through, she said her reply would be 'oh and yes they have all been toilet trained since 6 months' in a sarcastic tone and leave it at that.

    So after my ramble I guess I'm trying to say that you are doing exactly what is right for you and your baby. I would be over the moon if DS was one of the babies that slept through from early on, but he isn't so I'm over the moon that he is going to grow up knowing that Mum and Dad are always there.

    Spring xx

  10. #28

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    Thanks for the continued opinions and experiences everyone. It is just great to hear support, and that you know how I feel.

    Spring, I love your mums comment back to people! That's my kind of answer! She sounds like a great mum.

    Well, we are starting to have an even tougher time at night with our munchkin..she's now waking even more times each night and I'm not quite sure what I should do to help things..each week I hope that things will get better and she'll only wake just a couple of times but each week it seems to get worse! Anyway, there is no way I am doing any sort of cc so the support you guys give means a lot to me.

  11. #29

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    Lee:
    Congrats on sticking to your guns and doing what you feel is right for your daughther. DH and I agreed we wouldn't use CC with DS either and at the age of 21 months he still isn't successfully sleeping through the night yet. We are having a rough patch right now as well due to a double ear infection but when that clears up we should be back to normal.
    Normal these days is him waking once or twice, needing a kiss and a cuddle, covered again, given a few pats and that is it!
    He is pilfering through the nappie bag at the moment so I had better get off line and attend to him!

  12. #30

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    Lee, I have posted so often in here about DS's habits - the last week he has slept until 3-4am (from an 8pm bedtime, waking 8.30-9ish to be patted back) last Friday, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He now has a cold so it's all out the window (that and DH wasn't home last night, DS likes his routines). But he's doing it at last. WITHOUT leaving him to cry, as many have told me to do.

    Just because he didn't do it at 8 weeks (and I am therefore doing something wrong according to my mother) doesn't mean he will never do it. He is so secure too and loves coming to me to give me a big hug and then tries to charge off again. And have a baby try to give you a kiss is just the greatest thing ever. I'm sure if I had ignored his needs he wouldn't love me so much, nor be so demonstrative.

  13. #31

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    Hi!
    Just wanted to add that our son is much like many of the others who have posted. He is secure, happy, alert, inquisitve, and in love with his world. I attribute this to DH and I attending to his needs so quickly and with such a hands-on fashion from day one.
    Now that he is older and can manipulate to a degree - we do things slightly differently. He doesn't always b/f to sleep anymore so if that happens I put him in bed and pat his bum or back until he is asleep. If he mucks up and won't stay lying down then I give him one warning and if he does it again I leave the room for 1-2 minutes. I never stay out longer then 2 minutes and ALWAYS when I've gone back in the room he lays straight back down and usually goes straight to sleep. As I said, I never go beyond the 2 minutes and so far I have never had to leave the room twice. I will add to that this doesn't happen ever night - only the times that he decides bedtime is playtime!
    Keep up the good work and try hard not to let the guilt get to you...

  14. #32

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    My girl still wakes a couple of times a night and needs a boob plug to go back to sleep. She's nearly nine months now, and I don't think an unbroken night is in my near future. I used to feel worried about this and like you thought I might be doing her a disservice by not teaching her to 'self-settle' but I am now very much of the 'do what works, worry about so-called bad habits later'.

    As long as my baby is happy, healthy and developing well I'm not going to try and change the way she sleeps. We have a wonderful bond, and she is a social, secure little girl and I wouldn't want to do anything that might interrupt this.

    I went to a talk by Pinky McKay the other week and she is totally against controlled crying and has done a lot of research into it. She was talking about a recent large scale study on children's sleep habits which looked at three groups - babies who's parents did CC, babies left to cry themselves to sleep and babies who were comforted back to sleep. All these babies were over six months and woke at night. What they found was that although there was an initial difference made to the babies' sleeping, by 8 weeks after the study began, there was no difference in the sleeping habits between the three groups. So the CC and CIO group had gone back to waking up and the comforted group were still waking/sleeping the same amount.

    So even if you do do CC you will have to keep doing it at intervals when your baby changes. Or after they get a cold or teeth start coming through or you move house...etc etc. I really don't see why cuddling to sleep is such a huge deal these days. It's natural, it's what babies like and it works.

  15. #33

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    Lyric- lol at the boob plug, that's exactly what it is isn't it! I love Pinky's style, interesting to hear about that study too. Thanks.

    Rosehip_Fairy- Ryn I always find it interesting to hear about your experiences. Our current threads are very similar aren't they!

    lilprecious75- Thanks for being supportive.

    I love hearing that everyones bubbas are similar in the ways that a lot of you describe (ie..happy, secure...) You couldn't ask for any better atributes of your children could you really?!

  16. #34

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    I'm glad you're feeling better about not leaving your baby to cry, Lee.

    Off topic, but Lyric, check out the babies born Feb 2007 thread, we'd love to hear more about Abigail.

  17. #35

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    YAY DD only woke up at midnight and 3am last night! That's fantastic for her lol
    And of course NO CRYING! Worthy of another YAY!

  18. #36

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    Yay for a good night Lee. I hope you had another good night last night. Good on you for doing things your way and saying to h*ll with what the "helpful" people tell you is right. All the books out there now that give such rigid timetables should be burned. Babies do what they want, when they want and leaving them to get distressed and cry for however long isn't going to teach them anything but that Mummy and Daddy don't love them enough to come the second they're needed. My little girl was sleeping through the night 90% of the time by 3 months and is now sleeping for 12 hours straight overnight. If she does wake she has a feed and goes straight back to sleep. So many people hear that and say "Oh, isn't CC great". I've never CC and never will. We get horror nights like everybody else, only a lot less of them - still don't resort to CC. I'm just lucky to have a baby that is a great sleeper, is secure knowing that the second she needs her mummy she's there's, and that the world revolves around her. I honestly don't believe how quickly bubbies sleep through the night has anything to do with what their mums do - its when they're ready and not before.

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