Help

[1st_time_mum]

I am not sure if I am putting this in the right spot, so please move it if needed.

I really need some help, I am feeling like a horrible mother at the moment. Here is our story:

I have been following a certain baby 'experts' advice and to this persons credit I now have a 7 month old that is a wonderful sleeper. 12.5 hrs over night and 2, 2 hour sleeps a day, and I guess you are all reading this and saying whats your problem? You are so lucky! But it has recently come to my attention that I have done the wrong thing, that I have molded my baby into a certain routine and not necessarily doing what is best for my baby and to be quiet honest I am sick of the routine I am sick of clock watching I am sick of over analyzing when something has gone wrong. I want to stop using a routine but I don't know how, I have tried not sticking to it and the day has ended in disaster, clearly I don't know how to follow my babies cue's.

I guess I am asking how to I just become a relaxed mum? A Mum that doesn't have to be stuck at home all the time in fear that I will stuff up the routine? How do I fit in 4 milk feeds a day if I don't wake my baby at a certain time in the day?

Please, please help me find some normality back into my life!

[blue daisy]

oh 1st_time_mum

you are not a horrible mummy!

happy mummy equals happy baby...so work out what will make you happy and work from there. Babes do thrive on routine...but not so strict that either you or your baby feel suffocated by it. Sometimes we overlook our basic instinctive response to our little one, in an effort to keep with the routine. If you want to break your routine...take it one day at a time, one step at a time...remember happy mummy, happy baby.

U r doing a great job, trust in that...your baby loves u!

yogababy

[Emma1979]

oooh not want you want to hear but i would love to be in a routine like that!! we are so haphazard, some days she will sleep a total of an hour, others 4-5 hours... no regularity whatsoever.... again, not what you want to hear!!

sounds like u are sick of being stuck at home to fit in the two 2 hour naps.... i take it your baby isn't used to sleeping except in her own cot....? have you tried getting her to take one of her sleeps in her pram? maybe start by having the pram in her room for a while, then advance it to being out on a walk somewhere fairly quiet, then maybe one day she will sleep in her pram while u are out, like shopping?? my baby does not do this and will only sleep in her cot, but maybe yours will!??

it sounds like things are fairly 'under control' with this routine, i guess you have to be ready for things to get crazy if u are going to mix it up a bit....

im no expert, as my DD is so irregular and most of the time will only sleep either in my bed, or in her cot (never out and about, EVER!!), but i would probably start by trying to get her/him to sleep in different places, that way if u do want to go out for the day, you will be confident that she/he won't turn ratty and will be able to nap in her pram/car seat etc.

in regards to fitting in a certain number of feeds.... i wouldn't worry so much. they will let you know if they are hungry... but again, if u are going to relax your routine, you might need to be prepared to be up in the middle of the night on occassion if things have gotten a bit out of whack and they are hungry.

can i ask what happened when u stopped the routine for the day? how did the day go and when did it start going pear shaped? maybe your baby just needs a lot of sleep? 17.5 hours sounds like a lot for a 7 month old, but again, they are all individuals so probably a silly thing for me to say.

[kas]

Hi 1st time mum,
Neither of my boys ever got into a timed routine, except maybe for night time bed. It sounds as though your routine has become the ruler of the house, something that you feel you need to follow in order to get through the day.

Because you and your baby have been programmed (for lack of a better word) neither of you know any different, especially bubs. Because of this any change is going to confuse and change your babys thoughts. It will be hard at first to change, but if its what you want you need to try.

As Emma said try going shopping and let bubs fall asleep in the pram. About 3 or 4 days a week my youngest would sleep in his pram while we were out and then the 2nd sleep at home.

Have you tried to break the routine by not watching the clock just going off your babys body language/tired or hunger signs? Maybe try this first. So instead of looking at the clock carry on with your day and see what happens. Times may vary or bubs may enjoy playing that he/she doesn't miss a milk feed or have the exact amount of sleep. Its all about being flexible.

Just remember you have done and will continue to do what you think is best for your baby. So before a routine may have been the answer, but obviously not now. So trust yourself and your instincts and hopefuuly you will get some great ideas from these replies.

GOOD LUCK and as yogababy said

happy mummy equals happy baby

[1st_time_mum]

yogababy- thank-you for your kind words

Emma- My bub will only sleep 40 minutes in the pram I have tried and tried but only ever 40 in any. In regards to feeding, my bub just never seems hungry, never has, This is why it is so hard for me to just fed her when I think she wants a feed. 17.5 hrs is normal for babies in this age group that are on this certain routine, maybe even a bit more.

I feel really selfish now, I know so many people that are desperate for their babies to sleep more, but I just feel I have gone totally the wrong way about it.

[1st_time_mum]

Kas- I do need to get out more so as of tomorrow I will go out in the mornings and try to just go with the flow. When I have tried not watching the clock and have just gone of my bubs cues, I end up with a very unhappy baby that wont feed and then wont sleep, but I will try and do it for a few days to hopefully get us both off the routine.

[Emma1979]

don't be so hard on yourself, we are first time mums (well me and u are anyway) and it is all about learning.... kas put it so well, before a routine was the answer, and now maybe it isn't.... it has worked well for you for some time, now maybe its time for a change, don't feel selfish or bad because of that.

what happens if (sorry is it a boy bub or a girl bub?) he/she only sleeps for the 40 minutes? can she then get up for a play for a while until she is tired and then maybe have another 40 minute nap? does she go down into the pram awake, or is she put in it asleep....?

[Emma1979]

also, forgot to say, (not sure if you already do this, but) maybe you could introduce new things (rituals) like for example, before putting down for a nap, go through the same thing each time, for me it is lullaby cd on in her room, draw the curtains, lay her down on lambswool and then into sleeping bag, cuddle with mum, dummy, then into cot... so even though you may be mixing up the day a bit, some things are the same and might give bubs security with knowing what comes next (although my DD cries each time put in the cot so not working so great for us!)...

[kas]

1st time mum- even if bub does only have 40 mins in the pram it is/was maybe all that was needed. you may find the next sleep is longer. which if this happens in the afternoon when you are at home you may get more than 2 hours to yourself as bubs will catch up or you may still just get the same as now. Good on you for giving it a go. Bubs may surprise you if it has been a while since you last tried.

If bubs doesnt give cues for hunger try offering bottle/ breast feed when you think he/she may want it, if they do good and if not try again a bit later. Just don't fall into the snacking with milk ie- a bit now and again in 10 minutes, as they can drag this out for over an hour and then you will be cursing me!(haha)

[MantaRay]

1st time Mum - changes take time, so don't go by one day of doing something differently. You need to try it for 3 days or so first, and then re-evaluate.

There is nothing wrong with a routine itself, as long as it is working for you. Now it's not working for you, but it's not a problem that you have been doing it. Routine is actually still what you need probably, but a more flexible routine, driven by your baby's needs and also by yours (eg if you need to go shopping, then baby just goes down later), not by the clock.

So I would say the first step is to keep the same pattern going - ie the order of feed, sleep, play. But instead of looking at your clock or watch, look at your baby. If she seems tired, put her down. Perhaps try this for a day or two without going out, so you can work out when might be a good time to fit in a shopping trip. Then on day 3, wait until the time when there a good gap between sleeps and go out.

I expect what will happen is that you will end up with a flexible routine which is not much different to the one you have now. But that you will be able to go out more often as you will just fit it in. And if she gets overtired because she went down late, she might go down easier the next day and then it will fall into place again. GL with it! You sound like you are doing a great job so far.