... But IRL I am.. Im nearly 30 kgs over weight and I hate myself...

I have always been solid - was always the fat kid that kids picked on, my nickname is high school was Kuba (japanese for Hippo) I lost 20 plus kgs when I was in my early 20's and I kept it off. I then met my now DH and I started putting on weight again and I was happy and comfortable. I felt terrible and lost another 10 kgs - but I was a maniac, I didnt eat much and I went to the gym 5 times a week BUT I was happy and skinny and I could wear noce clothes.
Then DH and I moved into gether and bought a house and I let myself slide alot. I went to WW and lost another 10 kgs before oue wedding and I was happy. I put on a bit of weight after the wedding but was still healthy and happy.

Then I fell preg with Bella and I saw it as my free pass to eat what ever I wanted - so I did. I was lucky and only put on 7 kgs over the whole preg - but once Bella was born I still kept eating what ever I wanted and since her birth I have gained at least 10 kgs..

But in my head Im not over weight... I still eat what I want and I dont feel bad about it.. then I see myself in a shop window or in the morror and I am disgusting...

I dont know what to do ... I start a diet and I find away to sabotage myself. I have NO will power and I hate myself...

I want to be a healthy mum for Bella and we are also TTC and I want to fall preg and have a healthy bub..

Im really scared... I try hard but I just fail all the time.. I am a failure.

Thanks for listening.. feels good to get it all out.

Kate

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