Whilst DH and i don't have the "perfect" relationship I think we have managed to stay differentiated. It's a very important concept. After 16 years we still enjoy each others company... and find each other genuinely interesting. The "self soothing" is sooo very important as well... sadly i see too many couples who seem to have the expectation that it is their loved ones 'job' to make them happy and to constantly soothe them like they are a substitute parent Sure a partner can make you happy... but at the end of the day it's YOUR job to find happiness... not their job to provide it for you on a platter IYKWIM.

This sounds like a very worthwhile book Kelly, i'll be keeping an eye out for it, thanks for sharing