I have a sister who is a single struggling mum. She has alot of drama going on in her life. According to her I am the selfish, lucky one leading a cushy life. I can completely relate to your brother in this.
Her issues are not my problem. Full stop.
I may choose to offer a sympathetic ear sometimes, alot of the time I won't, because I am not good at keeping my mouth shut when I have an opinion (you might have noticed ) - so it is better just not to get involved at all. I don't like her choices, and I don't feel I have any resposibility at all emotionally, financially or otherwise to dig her out of a hole that she got herself into. I might sound like a b!tch to you for this. My sister sometimes gets miffed at me. I know she thinks I have it easy, and she is jealous of my situation. BUT we maintain a relationship seperate from her issues, because that is the only relationship we can have.
We love each other, we talk, we laugh, we enjoy many family activities together. But we do not share or agree on many issues in life - it is better that we accept these differences and move on.
If either of us were unable to accept these differences, then I would be sad to loose a sister, BUT I am not and cannot be responsible for another persons life outside of my immediate family. My immediate family does not include my siblings, nor my parents any longer - not since I grew up and got married. My immediate family and thus my responsibility is solely my DH and my three children.
The same goes for my DH - he also has 5 siblings like I do. But he's first and foremost responsibility is to me and our kids. Not exceptions.
Having said all that IF we can support someone emotionally, we will do so to the best of our ability without compromising ourselves or our own family. Financially, no. There is no entitlement to our support however. It is only there if we choose to offer it freely, and if we do not, then that is your problem, not ours.
After reading your second post, I am convinced now even more then before that you are suffering from jealousy. You a bitter, because you had unrealistic expectations and a sense of entitlement.
You and your kids went through a horrible life. OK. that is horrible, truely it is.
I just fail to see how this is in any way, shape or form your brothers fault or problem. Just because his life may appear 'perfect' in comparision, does not mean that it is. Even if it is, that does not mean that he is therefore required to shoulder your pain and suffering.
If you truely cannot accept this, and cannot forgive him for the faults you perceive in him. Then you have a decision to make. Be bitter whenever you are around him, or be bitter and cut him out of your life.
Sue - I have read quite a number of your posts, you seem to thrive on drama. Forgiveness is a choice. If you cannot forgive him, it is because either consciously or unconsciously you are choosing not to do so. You and your brother disagree on this issue - you will not change his mind and he will not change yours. So you have a decision to make, forgive him or don't. Either way it is likely you are only going to be hurting yourself.
misty your viewpoint of how you handle it is a valid viewpoint thanks i dont think i'm able to do that at this point while suffering but maybe in future if my situation was much better and my trauma resides.
formyself if i saw a friend in a terrible situation, eg for some reason that week they had no groceries or no heater, or whatever, i'm just giving examples, and for a low cost, i could help them and i knew that they do the most possible for their own life they are not lazy or irresponsible or addicts etc.
then i would do all possible to give them comfort releif support protection.
there are always small ways we can bring support love comfort relief for someone alone in the world who we care about.
I dont think i will ever get over that my brother wasnt there for me so i continue builing my own life as o
ve always done . he doesnt care about my challenges and exhaustion and in some ways its better that way as not everyone has the wisdom experience and skills to be helpful to someone in trauma.
some will just show they are not capable of having the wisdom to support and will just be soul destroying.those who just call it 'drama' or throw insituations to let themselves off the hook just show how they dont have the make up to connect with the legitimate trauma of others and would just be hurtful rather than helpful supportive anyway.so its a blessing when some dont help but i dont need to be around it at this point.
thanks for all the various ways i could look at this from various viewpoints that were helpful.
Last edited by sue1386; July 12th, 2010 at 08:25 AM.
Sue - perhaps you might be better off focusing on the positives in your life then allowing the negetives to eat away at you. Helping yourself is the first step with any type of healing. Everyone is different and we cant make judgement on someone of something that we have no control over. We need to take control of our own lives as we can only point fingers at ourselves. Being bitter and angry towards another member for not being there for us at anytime is something eveyrone struggles with it, but its how you choose to deal with it that makes you the better person.
Others feel betrayed by their own mother and have done all their lives but they seek to step out of that shadow by not letting it consume them.
Again...you need to tell him how you feel. You quiet obviously have no love left in the relationship and if thats the case you should find it wase enough to let him know the hatred you have built up.
I am not sure there is any way we can really help though. You are extremely set in your mindset and nothing we have ever said has changed anything before. You have asked on numerous occasions about your partner and many of us believe and have relayed to you that he is toxic and abusive. Yet you defend him to the hilt and then decide you don't want our words after all.
I can't help but wonder if your brother tried to tell you the same about your ex and you cut him off as well leaving him to think "Well, you chose this - I tried to talk to you before it got too hard".
I have to agree with Misty as well. I am sorry but I have been in your shoes. I married a total ahole who did everything possible to get out of paying or doing any form of child support at all. I dug myself out of that hole. I worked, I struggled, I did it all on my own. The very fact that I did it all on my own was far more rewarding and liberating anyway. My family certainly would have helped me if I had asked, but they were not the twits that married the jerk and had two kids to him so it was not their responsibility to fix it. It was mine. The mistake was mine and despite the fact that I was still a child in my head I had to accept that I was an adult and take responsibility for my own problems.
ETA: We are actually going through a time with BIL at the moment where we are expected to drop everything and run to help him. He is in a tough situation, yes. He is broke. He just had an aneurysm and a stroke. He had to sell his house to get by. His life is hell. Several months in hospital, no income at all. I do not doubt it is hard at all.
What exactly is my DH supposed to do to live up to these lofty sibling assistance standards? Should he forgo paying a bill to buy his brother food? Should he spend every day at his brothers helping him with chores leaving no time at all to spend with his kids or for his business? Should he be carrying his brothers emotional burdens around and lumping them on me and our kids? Is he really expected to forget me and ignore me because his brother is in hell? How is that my fault? How is that our kids fault? How is it fair that we should be second to him?
Interestingly I am acutely aware of the fact that his brother does have issues with me because my husband places value on his relationship with me and his family with me over and above his brothers daily and almost endless issues and is forever guilting DH because they "dont talk as much". I dont control DHs actions and the plain and simply fact is, my DH takes his marriage seriously.
Last edited by Inertia; July 12th, 2010 at 10:15 AM.
sue, i don't know why you bother writing these long winded descriptions of your life, you say you're asking for advice, but you're actually asking people to agree whole-heartedly with you, and say 'poor you'. we all have moments in our lives that are traumatic, they may go on for moments, or years, but you have to move on in your life, and not blame other people for the negativity that you feel.
it is not your brother's fault that you married a ****er. your brother had his own life and marriage to nurture, like you had yours, it's not his fault that you had grand expectations of him to fix YOUR life.
i know i sound harsh, but for gods sake, move on.
) - so it is better just not to get involved at all. I don't like her choices, and I don't feel I have any resposibility at all emotionally, financially or otherwise to dig her out of a hole that she got herself into. I might sound like a b!tch to you for this. My sister sometimes gets miffed at me. I know she thinks I have it easy, and she is jealous of my situation. BUT we maintain a relationship seperate from her issues, because that is the only relationship we can have.
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