You're feeling like you've given her lots of info etc, been very friendly and helpful & she's not giving you what you want? Is that right?
I get if that's the case that you would feel a bit bewildered and like you are banging your head on the wall.
I think you need to decide your motives for being helpful & friendly. If it's because that's how you prefer to be. Then continue to be you and let go of expectations on how she should behave.
She may never respond to you in the way you want her to & I get that's hard but that's a reality. If you're only being nice to get that back from her then you need to decide what to do now on I would say...
Remembering she has a history with your partner that you don't share. She has suffered hurt & pain that you probably could never understand. That was their history. It could be quite confronting for her to have financial issues still with your partner after all this time and the double whammy of what might feel for her as a loss of her daughter to you...
It could be a real challenge for her. As I recall your DSD had issues with her Mum and came to live with you. Now you guys are also having issues too - teenagers are hard work. Teenage daughters and their Mums are a fragile reaction at the best of times... I would hazard a guess that it's very very confronting for this woman to have her daughter gone from her life and over here...
So, if it were me personally I would behave as I feel authentic doing so. I would also give her a bit of rope as I really think there would be a fair amount of pain for her in the situation...
Being nice makes you feel good & it just might over time help your family have some healing...
I feel like I've cut her an enormous amount of slack despite her doing any number of appalling things to DSD as well as putting DP and I through hell on the financial stuff.
I've been nice to her in the last 12 months, because, as I explained, I felt that would be better for DSD in the long run. It IS my nature to be nice or basically try to do the decent thing - ie forgive, forget, let's move on to the more important thing which is helping DSD a much as possible.
I have a problem with the way she has reacted because I really don't think it takes that much effort to send a short email response saying, "thanks for the info - that was really helpful."
I feel like I'm trying to do the decent thing and, as usual, she doesn't want to come to the party.
If she was a 100% nasty pasty, then obviously I wouldn't bother. But she does have good qualities and she does do some amount of self-reflection.
So ... having tried, what feels authentic to me is to tell her I'm over making an effort, that I find her rude and that I will no longer be courteous to her when she phones. I don't like being rude to people without explaining why and I simply can't keep the conversation short and business-like without feeling rude. Plus, I guess I want to write to her telling her I find her rude to get it out of my system. There seems no point me feeling she's rude without actually telling her. I don't expect THAT to achieve anything at all but at least I will have been honest about my feelings.
Well it sounds like you have worked out what you feel best about.
Just sleep on it a while. I have always found that it takes less energy to be nice than it does to be cross... I get the need to vent and let it out - I encourage it and I do it often! Sometimes though you can do it without needing to send it. If it's not going to be heard well, & if it inadvertently affects your DSD maybe just sleep on it and see how you feel in a few days... Good luck!
If you do decide to email her, draft the message first and send it the next day, You may find a sleep will encourage you to reword it.
My personal advice is to keep the email short and sweet. Do not mention her relationship with her DSD or what you think of her as a mother. That is too personal and will only make things difficult and possibly put your DSD in a difficult spot between the two of you. A simple "I really feel I have tried to keep things civilised between us, but I feel you are not meeting me halfway, so I think it best if you only deal with DP and DSD from now on.
Good luck with this. It is so hard to have this conversation with someone but you will feel better afterwards
I would just be honest. Tell her why you don't want to talk to her (don't like her/respect her...due to her lack of interest in her own daughter, yada yada) unless absolutely necessary about your DSD and other wise just don't talk to her.
Fi, this is more about you needing to tell her something right? Is she all of a sudden going to listen and/or be reasonable? No.
She has handed over the care of SDD to you and DH and doesn't seem interested in anything further.
I think she has given you clear signals she isn't interested in any sort of relationship with you so why push it?
It doesn't mean you have to be rude or give her a sermon on "why I think you SUCK", and that would be wasting more of your time anyway.
Just don't answer the phone, or say Hi, I'll just get DD for you. I don't see the point of telling her she is rude. I don't think she gives a crap what you think anyway
Oh, it's totally about my need to tell her that I think she's rude
And I absolutely know it won't achieve anything.
I just find it really difficult to do even the "I'll just get DSD" on the phone.
Her whingy, whiney voice annoys me. Her fake politeness annoys me. The last time I answered the phone, I simply said DSD wasn't in, said yes I would tell her she called and hung up before she could say anything more. That felt rude to me and I hate feeling childish and hypocritical - you're rude so I'M going to be rude but I'm not going to tell you why, I'm just going to BE rude.
Bloody woman. And stupid me for being OTT over-analyser.
You should probably find a way to annoy her back - just so you can let off some of that pent up backlog you got going there. Maybe just make farting noises down the line, or speak to her in a russian accent whilst trying to keep a straight face, or tell her you have taken yodelling lessons and treat her to a rendition of....some yodelling song
maybe, when DSD isn't here, I say to her "yep, just hang on ..."
and leave the phone. And leave the room.
I think maybe that I should get over the "I hate being rude" thing and just be as short and as abrupt as possible. If she questions it ie. "why are you so rude," then I'll explain but otherwise no point spending the next fortnight carefully crafting draft emails. (I always sit on things for ages, writing and rewriting before sending, I'm the Queen of Self-Restraint)
Inanna and Lulu, i think you are spot on.
Fiona, its not worth it..I bet if you do it you'll feel worse later on, write it down sleep on it, maybe just the fact you say it write, it read, it will make all the difference. The emotion involved in it for you will make you do something that you would'nt noramlly do, I agree just get her daughter when she rings, don't go out of your way anymore, she obviously does'nt want you to.
i persoanlly would'nt like it,no matter how good the intentions were, I am in no way defending her and regardless of why the girl lives with you and her dad, it would still hurt.
Goodluck but think long and hard about it.
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