growing the compassionate bone

[Bathsheba]

I understand what Smiles means. I know it might sound morbid to a lot of people but I lead my life from my death-bed too a lot of the time.

Also, when somebody does something hurtful... if your knee jerk reaction is "screw you" that ultimately just extends and prolongs your own pain. If somehow you can get to a place where your knee-jerk reaction is: "I wonder what horrible thing has happened in their life for them to feel like doing that???" then I find that I am ultimately the better for it.

Forgiveness can actually be self serving: it converts the anger = pain feeling to a neutral wondering. It's taken me 40 years but I've worked out that whenever I get get angry I feel crap. A lot of people don't seem to get this. Why do people want to feel crap unless it's REALLY worth it or going to be productive somehow eg at a protest march etc. Maybe some people think that geing angry is empowering somehow? I think that being able to move on is more empowering than anything. Don't mean to make this a lecture Just sharing how I deal with situations that involve the choice between angst and forgiveness.

[Fleur]

Bathsheba that is so true. I spent years being angry at my mum (different issue ), until I realised that it was taking up a lot of energy & effort to stay angry, I really had to work at holding onto it & it only made me feel like crap. As soon as I let go & started to accept that she is not perfect & she probably had regrets over that particular incident, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. It was a great lesson for me; I was never really one to stay mad but this particular thing was so bad I didn't think I would ever get over it - but I did.
Anger serves a purpose in the short term but long term it's kind of useless - JMO.

Lara, I also wanted to add - I am not perfectly warm & understanding all the time - I still have to work at it sometimes. I quite often grumble about the rude person I encountered before asking myself if there might be a reason they are having a bad day! I think that's ok don't expect too much of yourself. The fact that you want to be more compassionate & understanding gets you a long way there, iykwim.

[maz]

try by making a goal for yourself.

do one good deed, thing what ever you want to call it a fortinght then cut it down to a week.

Be yourself...dont be someone your not....you wont feel whole and it will take away from the positiveness of being compassionate.

Take time to listen rather then over shadow, talk over the top of someone. Being a person is much more then just being you...its about taking in what others feels, love and how they grow. PLacing others before yourself and allowing yourself to feel their strengths and weaknesses without judgement.

Dont be affraid to show emotion...laugh out loud...wet your self silly or cry until the tissues are soggy clumps.

Compassion is not something you learn so to speak....it is something that creeps up on you that is nurtured from the warmth in your heart and soul and ozzed out when those who need it the most reach out for the warmth.

PLUS we're all a bunch of soppy woman who just love each other

[smiles4u]

... Lara, nah for me it's luckily a peaceful feeling. Since having my beautiful DD the idea of my passing isn't a scary place anymore.

Like Maz said you can only be you. Certain feelings or rather ALL feelings can't be programed as you would know ... YOU need to be you, that's so very important. Just like Maz said just to DO a kind gesture for or towards someone even a stranger is just the most wonderful start

Bath & i have a few things in common from our upbringing & i DO think that has impacted with who we are today.

I also know for myself many circumstances in my life have also given me an extra ' jolt ' in being even more compassionate.

Lara, let it be a feeling of comfort withing you ... it needs to feel good for you too not just about everyone else. So, if it feels exhausting in any way try another way to go about things ... Just in your asking to add more of a compassionate feeling within you for others i say is already a beautiful & generous sign that YOU are just amazing (and hey, still look like a spunky young Pat Benatar to me ... Lara if your are as gorgeous on the inside as you are on the insight people will be lucky to know you )

[~Kim~]

Compassion is not something you learn so to speak....it is something that creeps up on you that is nurtured from the warmth in your heart and soul and ozzed out when those who need it the most reach out for the warmth.

Well said Maz. That is so so true.

[littlelara]

Hey, how's this for interesting;
I have just started the first module of my Bachellor of Applied Social Science online, and the first module is Interpersonal Communication.
One of the main subjects in the module is listening skills and empathy.
The universe provides, I guess...

[thepixie]

Lara buddhist literature goes into tons of detail about how to develop compassion because it is an integral part of their spiritual practice. They have detailed meditations designed to develop compassion. If you are interested there are lots of books out there. One of the most common methods is to begin with your mother, and through meditation to develop compassion towards her, and then move outwards to people you like, then to those you don't like, then to those you don't know and then to all sentient beings. Happy to track down some titles for you if you like.

[littlelara]

Sweet, Pixie, that would be great.
I used to have a daily one about loving kindness that started with
"My mind is clear, spacious and awake..."
but now I can't find it anywhere

[thepixie]

There is a little book by Osho called Compassion, and I haven't read it but I am pretty sure The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama would go into it in some detail. My own personal favourite is a book called Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism by Chogyam Trungpa but its kind of weird and a bit obscure LOL. If you find those first two books that will definitely start you on your way!

[Janie]

Lara, I really and truly hear where you're coming from, I struggle with this on pretty much a daily basis. I am trying really, really hard to work on this. Doing my ABA training has been FANTASTIC as it is so much about having empathy and really good listening skills. But despite this I still feel it's something that I have to work on. I think that sometimes it comes quite naturally, but not always. I think my problem is that I can't quite figure out why that is, if that makes sense.

Good luck hun, I think the fact that you're thinking about it at all shows that you do have a level of compassion .