Have you experienced this with another woman ??

[smiles4u]

Smiles I'm sorry that she is doing this to you. You are such a kind and lovely person and don't deserve it. I hope that you can get some distance between you and her in the most peaceful way possible and I hope she lets you go without a fight. I don't think confrontation is necessarily going to help anything in this situation. Even if you did say something to her about it, I think she might just turn herself into a victim. If you are living in the same small town with kids the same age there is a good chance that you will have something to do with her in the future so if you can part ways without a fuss it would be the best option. I hope that if you ever have to interact with her again that she may have matured a little bit and is able to reciprocate a friendship.

JM i thought the same thing she may make herself look like the victim, and yes by telling her i can't see it being a pleasant outcome i mean how could it. If someone told me something so negative about myself and then added they want nothing to do with me i would be a horrible blow, i think natural instinct anyone would do what they could to defend themself. Also it's possible which ever way it come out it could feel like an attack.

I have never been able to call her a friend or introduce her to someone as a friend and i've always been aware of that so i guess by my still doing it after all these years the alarm bells were going off, that something wasn't sitting right.

DP & i both agreed a long time ago that she has a problem with lying as we have caught her out to tell us some whoopers, so right there that was off putting. My DP has always said he feels she has some underlying self esteem issues and i have picked up on that. And a few times she has tried to make feel crap about something for her own gain so right then i knew there wouldn't be a friendship as such.

Megs yeh my DD started 3year old Kinder last year but sadly the group of Mum's are not so friendly ... maybe her 4year old Kinder next year will bring in a new group of Mum's to meet.

As for now i do have two really lovely kind Mum's whom i regard as good friends (not ones i go out night time socialising with but at least i know their there if i need help), we help each other out and share our kids clothes, etc and always show genuine concern for each other and ask advice of each other too, ... one even made me soup and dropped it off after i had surgery - now that's what i call a friend

[dory]

I have a former friend like this..... everything was always about her and only her and it took me a while to realise it... just like you. When I did realise it, it was at a time of personal crisis for me. She made it all about her. I even gave her some more chances, but at every point, she made it about her. I just didn't see it before. The cincher was when I hadn't spoken to her for some time, just after the death of one of my babies, and she called me and said "have you heard from "x"? [ a person she had a crush on] and went on talking about her and her issues. I honestly felt the strength draining from my body, mind and soul. It got to the point where I was just crying and didn't even have the capacity to speak or put the phone down... thankfully she was so caught up in herself that she ended the call with something like , "I have to go now and call somone else". It was then I truly realised how toxic this person was to me. Before then I had felt a bit guilty about putting up a wall and thinking about ending the friendship. But not after that day.

I suppose it depends on your definition of friendship- but for me, it's a two way street and my former friend couldn't give that so I put a wall up and have let the friendship lapse. We used to have a sports team in common, but she dropped out. Thankgoodness as that was really akward. I too evaluated her other friendships and realised there were so few but there had also been a pattern of being "best friends" with people for about 2 years and then those friendships lapsing. I was just another one in that very long procession.

I too got support from my DH to let the friendship go.

This person sounds toxic and you have enough struggles in your life to put up with someone who doesn't respect you enough or have the empathy to care about you and your journey and ask about you. The sooner you ditch her, the better. I know it sounds harsh but you need to look out for you and your family. She will find another person to latch on to. Be strong and stick to your intentions - you need healthy and respectful friends.... you are too precious to have toxic friends.

I wanted to add - I read what Marcellus posted.... Marcellus you are amazing to have taken that criticism and acted on it. You have the luxury of a true friend and to be honest, I doubt you were like the "friend" in question here. Even though I believe in being forthright, I get the impression that this particular woman, will not understand, make it about her ( I read someone else say make herself the victim - too true) and the person that will be most upset is the person who shouldn't be.

I know it sounds awful to make that assumption and not even give the person a chance to respond... and I know I would want a chance to respond if someone felt this way about me. But if someone just dropped out of my life or put up some walls, I would ask them why. This other woman could always do that, but I doubt she will, as she will just latch on to someone else. These types of toxic people seem to know when to move on.

[Yeddi]

Yes, had some experience here. There's three possibilities as to why she does this. 1. She's self-centred and only thinks of herself.

2. It's a sign of her being really insecure. She needs you to validate her because she's unable to do it for herself and she's obviously not getting it somewhere else. The fact that she keeps ringing you looking for contact makes me think it's the later. She's trying to connect - desperately. If I read your post right, there is just over a ten year age gap, with you being older (if I'm wrong please correct me), but that could mean she's not seeing you as a peer but as a mentor/big-sister figure (basically she's given you a job - whether you wanted it or not). Have you thought that she might look up to you and that there is a power differential, and that it's not at "look at me" but seeking your approval or comfort type of situation?

3. She just hasn't thought about it. It's not deliberate but simply hasn't crossed her mind as being an issue, and unless you say something, how is she meant to know? She could have a little bit of trouble picking up on social cues, or the one's you are giving off are outside the realm of her experience so she doesn't know how to interpret them, and might just think they're your behavioural ticks rather than a response to her behaviour.

Have you tried being honest? That doesn't mean being cruel, but just calmly saying, "I'd like to be friends, but that would require you taking an interest in me and my life some times by asking, so there is a mutual exchange. Do you think we could do that?" It really is that simple. Her response to that will show what that relationship is really made of. If it's got merit, she'll acknowledge it and work on it with you. I do have to be honest with you though, from what you're written about the situation, it appears to me that you had expectations that you haven't been upfront with, and then have had a passive aggressive response when they haven't been met, rather than just coming out and saying it (even in the nicest possible way). You can't have a real friendship without honesty, so the fact it never really went anywhere can't really be all her fault. You were looking for something, and she was looking for something, and unless you actually say what it is you are actually looking for in that person it's like a game of pin the tail on the donkey. If you click it in the right spot, it's only because of luck. If you want to make sure you get it right, you got to take the blindfold off. There's a saying, unmet expectations are the quickest way of building resentments. And I think that's what has happened here.

That being said, there are worse *friendships*. She could have been the type of person to ask you about your life but didn't really care, and only asked so she could lead into a story about herself. I call them the "that happened to me but usually worse" *friend* and I find those type of people far more annoying than one that doesn't think to ask but feels comfortable enough with me to just talk and allows me to talk in the same way. It sounds like you volunteer information and that she might think she doesn't need to ask because she expects you just to tell her in the same way she just tells you, but then I'm not in the situation, so it's only conjecture.

[onthefly]

I think maybe I was being a bit overly generous thinking she was just oblivious.
She isn't your friend and never was - you said so yourself.

[smiles4u]

Yes, had some experience here. There's three possibilities as to why she does this. 1. She's self-centred and only thinks of herself.

2. It's a sign of her being really insecure. She needs you to validate her because she's unable to do it for herself and she's obviously not getting it somewhere else. The fact that she keeps ringing you looking for contact makes me think it's the later. She's trying to connect - desperately. If I read your post right, there is just over a ten year age gap, with you being older (if I'm wrong please correct me), but that could mean she's not seeing you as a peer but as a mentor/big-sister figure (basically she's given you a job - whether you wanted it or not). Have you thought that she might look up to you and that there is a power differential, and that it's not at "look at me" but seeking your approval or comfort type of situation?

3. She just hasn't thought about it. It's not deliberate but simply hasn't crossed her mind as being an issue, and unless you say something, how is she meant to know? She could have a little bit of trouble picking up on social cues, or the one's you are giving off are outside the realm of her experience so she doesn't know how to interpret them, and might just think they're your behavioural ticks rather than a response to her behaviour.

Have you tried being honest? That doesn't mean being cruel, but just calmly saying, "I'd like to be friends, but that would require you taking an interest in me and my life some times by asking, so there is a mutual exchange. Do you think we could do that?" It really is that simple. Her response to that will show what that relationship is really made of. If it's got merit, she'll acknowledge it and work on it with you. I do have to be honest with you though, from what you're written about the situation, it appears to me that you had expectations that you haven't been upfront with, and then have had a passive aggressive response when they haven't been met, rather than just coming out and saying it (even in the nicest possible way). You can't have a real friendship without honesty, so the fact it never really went anywhere can't really be all her fault. You were looking for something, and she was looking for something, and unless you actually say what it is you are actually looking for in that person it's like a game of pin the tail on the donkey. If you click it in the right spot, it's only because of luck. If you want to make sure you get it right, you got to take the blindfold off. There's a saying, unmet expectations are the quickest way of building resentments. And I think that's what has happened here.

That being said, there are worse *friendships*. She could have been the type of person to ask you about your life but didn't really care, and only asked so she could lead into a story about herself. I call them the "that happened to me but usually worse" *friend* and I find those type of people far more annoying than one that doesn't think to ask but feels comfortable enough with me to just talk and allows me to talk in the same way. It sounds like you volunteer information and that she might think she doesn't need to ask because she expects you just to tell her in the same way she just tells you, but then I'm not in the situation, so it's only conjecture.

Yeddi yep your right there, as my DP keeps telling me he reckons she is insecure and clearly became self centred when pregnant or was like that before but we didn't pick up on it to the extreme it has now become. And yes, yes, yes just what you said Yeddi (thanks for pointing that out) about volunteering information and she most likely feels she doesn't need to ask cause i will bring something up anyway to basically get off the entire topic of her & babies (but when i saw her IRL it was clear she wasn't listening), funny thing it took me awhile to work that out then i stopped totally about talking anything about myself or DD months ago and that then confirmed to me she purely has no interest in us.
I get what you mean by the age gap thing (yes it's 10years) but it's definately no she doesn't connect with me that way, her own DH is 23years older than her. (my DP is same age as her). So she connects to older people on the same wave length if that makes sense !

[smiles4u]

I think maybe I was being a bit overly generous thinking she was just oblivious.
She isn't your friend and never was - you said so yourself.

thanks heaps Marcellus , yeh sad but true not friend material, well not in my books either !

[Kazmar]

I have no advice. But I do think a true friend brings out the best in someone and makes them feel good about themselves and smile!

If this lady doesn't tick these boxes and makes you feel worse, well then, she doesn't deserve the amazing friend you are

[smiles4u]

But I do think a true friend brings out the best in someone and makes them feel good about themselves and smile!

so true Kass , that's the bottom line isn't it ... if someone makes you feel like crap (not to mention over & over again) well no point in having them in your life !