Honesty and openness about motherhood

[Astrid]

I find that people I am making friends with are the ones who can be honest about parenting. So for me, I find that the difficulty in talking about being a parent depends on the other persons personality. There are some who I just open up more naturally to and others who I automatically put on the brave face. Have to admit as much as I love a good conversation about parenting in today's society, I do sometimes get that glazed look depending on who is talking. That person though is normally the one who loves the good whinge, but does not seem to be interested in what others have to say.

[Freya]

Im quite honest about it all. But people expect me to be frazzled and not coping with 3 boys 15mths apart I think the reason why Im coping better than people expect is because I expected bad days, heck even bad weeks. I totally right off the first 6mths after my bubs are born as just-survive time. I remind myself that they grow up fast so I dont want to miss out on now but keep in mind that in 5 years life will have shifted completely.

I have days where I couldnt imagine my life any different and then others where I have the "Why did I?" moments. I think its perfectly normal, parenting has to be about the hardest job there is to do and its never ending - no holidays, sick leave, overtime pay, 12hr shifts. If you worked your 9-5 job 24/7 for years you'd burn out and get sick of it occasionally too.

I find alot of people dont want to face reality so they all put on brave faces. Me, Im a honesty-is-best-live-in-the-real-world kinda person so I cant pretend everything is peachy keen if it isnt.

Having second thoughts about motherhood, or even bad times where you wonder why and dont cope very well doesnt mean you hate your kids, hate being a mother, hate your life - it means your human.

[Roryrory]

Hi Anna

Great topic - like you one of the reasons I love BB!

Personally, I tend not to be open about my experience of motherhood because it has been nothing but a huggies commercial for me. Like all of us I have had days where I have yelled at my boys, burnt them or bumped their heads accidentally, given them lollies to keep them quiet, felt guilty about this or that or generally been too tired to respond to their cries sometimes, but on the whole it has been absolutely marvellous for me. I didn't suffer from PND, found breastfeeding to be like falling off a log, had great briths and pregnancies with both, have a supportive husband who is home full time with them while I maintain a successful and interesting career and my mother is a great help as well (plus it helps that both boys were robust and healthy and never suffered from colic). I honestly feel like I have cheated I have it that good. I know it sounds like I am being arrogant but I actually think I am extreeeeemely lucky and so that's why I don't really talk about my experiences much. Just a different angle

[Freya]

Yeah see thats the thing Rory, sometimes no one wants to hear if your journey has been pretty good. Its like a competition amongst women, who can do it better lol They want people to say "Oh IM not coping, how about you" so they can fib and say "Oh fabulous" but secretly think Oh thankgod, her kids have xxx more tanties than mine, sleep xxxx amount of time less..........et al"

I often get people saying "Oh it isnt fair you make having 3 kids so close look easy" and "Oh can I have advice about xxxxxxxx cause your like a mothering guru, your kids are so good" blah blah blah. I remind them that they only see my kids 1/4 of the time, the rest of the time they are just a normally naughty and horrible as everyone else's. As for being wise, I can only give comment on whats worked for myself which is not what might work for everyone else. Like you Ive been veeeeeeery lucky to get pretty good babies/kids; so its been a tad bit easier to deal with the moments of chaos.

And thats what it all comes down too - LUCK lol

[Glamourcide]

Some really great points so far I'm not sure I have much to add!
I too have been a bit bothered by the lack of warts-and-all discussion on parenting, pregnancy/birth etc that I've experienced with my friends. Maybe on BB we are more comfortable with the 'TMI' because it's more anonymous, or maybe I just have a circle of friends who are more 'stiff-upper-lip' than I would like them to be at times. I find that when we do get around to the frank discussion on the bad bits of being a mum, it seems to turn into that old competition about who's got it worse, which I don't like. I don't care that so-and-so feels they have a harder job than I, I just want to know that someone else is going through it and can commiserate, not compete, kwim?

It could just be because I'm a chronic motormouth - I have zero qualms about laying bare all the joys, challenges AND the frustrations of being a mum. I don't at all buy into this 'supermum' bs, it's a lie. We have good days, we have bad days - and depending which day you catch me on, motherhood is either the most supremely awesome invention ever, or it's a living nightmare from which I have no hope of escape! I'm not ashamed to say it out loud and be proud that I can admit to the struggles as well as the wins.

For me, talking about all this stuff depends on who I'm talking to - for instance, if it's a friend who is expecting or TTC, I try to steer away from the negative aspects or at least gloss them over so it doesn't come across like I'm trying to scare them; if it's a friend who has kids older than mine, it's more, 'Oh my goodness wth is wrong with these kids?! Did yours do this?! HELP MEEEE!!!' And with any scenario, the worst thing is when they get that 'shut-down' glaze in their eyes, like I'm betraying generations of women before us by admitting to faults or that kids aren't always angels. It's like, come ON, be real here - mine can be little terrors and I KNOW yours are too!