Since becoming a mum, I have realised I am perhaps more honest and open about my feelings and experiences than other people. As time has passed, I have found this reticence on the part of other mothers to be a little bit isolating. For example I was talking to another new mummy about feelings of frustration etc in the middle of the night when you're super tired and the baby is crying for the umpteenth time and you've just fed them and you just want to scream "Shut Up!"...and her eyes kinda glazed over and I actually stopped talking because I couldn't work out if I was hitting a nerve or she had no idea where I was coming from.
In fact I have found the most sympathetic ears to be among those women who don't have babies...
What is it about motherhood that makes us all a little bit less willing to discuss the raw and sometimes yukky things? Is it because it is all too close to home? I know I am not the only one who feels these things (thanks to BB), but why can't women IRL be more open and honest with each other?
Isn't it awful when that happens!? When you have an honest disclosure and it's met with a "what the"?
I guess it has to be remembered that we all have very very different experiences. With my first I was just like you - I couldn't get why everyone seemed to think motherhood was fabulous - when for me it was mostly horrible. When I had my second, because I had my first experience I was so besotted that I smiled when he woke me in the night. I really really loved it... I have to say it was the same with all the others. Yes, there are times that I just want to screech "SHUDDUP"!!! However it's just not the same as the first time.
I think its socially unacceptable to have anything except loving and positive emotions towards our children. This is why we get the glassed over eyes... When that happens we know "yep we've crossed that line in the sand"... The line that only delinquent mothers cross!
I want to affirm you as being completely normal & rational. I also want to applaud your honesty and frankness. Without that honesty there would be a lot of mothers wondering what the hell they were thinking with procreating!
Thanks so much for the reply FC. I really appreciate your kind and wise words.
The funny thing is I LOVE being a mummy, but I have found it to be really challenging - in the same way that I found university or a new job is challenging because it is so, so new and I feel like I am muddling through a little bit. I just haven't heard anyone else talk about it in these terms...and I am sure not everyone breezes through the experience...
Thanks for giving me the space to air these thoughts...I love BB!
Even the very best of jobs are hard work. It took me a long time to really love being a mother. I felt protective, primal and devoted. But I didn't love it - I had a rough time though and a baby that just never settled (she has been diagnosed with aspergers so this explains much). I remember putting thepillow over my head just hoping that I was imagining I was awake again! I remember having to sit on the back stairs in a mass of tears and sobs as I just didn't know how I was going to get through the rest of the day. It's really really hard sometimes and Women who seem to have it all together make it seem like we who don't have it all together are failing.
Personally, I love a good discussion about the ugly bits ofmothering- the bits hardly anyone talks about. the sleep deprivation, the frustrations, the trivialities, the isolation... I find it empowering to talk about. There seems to be this myth in our society of the perfect mother, who juggles everyhting and never feels like she might be losing it, and I love the way talking about imperfections contradicts that. There are no perfect mothers. but not being perfect doesn't mean you're not doing a very good job
I understand some people find it confronting to talk about, or that they just don't get it. I guess there are some people who did have a fantastic mothering experience the first time round ( and more power to them- I only wish mine had been better). But I am not one of those people, and like I said i find it refreshing and empowering when people are honest about their feelings and experiences.
There's a realy brilliant book I read along these lines a couple of years (though it might be hard to find a copy now). PM me if you want the details
I agree I think it's to do with the "must appear to be a super-mum" mentality.
If I'm tired.. i'll say I'm tired, if the kids are ticking me off.. I'll say so LOL. If people want to see that as me regretting having kids.. meh.. I don't care. Altho I do care on the occassions it is DH saying I have to suck it up coz I wanted the kids!
I certainly don't lie and say what great sleepers my babies are.. LOL. I quite proudly tell everyone how my babies are NORMAL and wake through the night! hahaha.
I do find there is always some competition with most mums.. if it's not who has the best sleeper, it's who has the worst sleeper! I don't like it when conversations turn into "poor me" sessions, because there is an element of truth in "suck it up.. you wanted kids" LOL. You gotta take the good with the bad with this parenting gig.
I do find tho that discussing things on here and discussing them IRL is very different and I find I can't talk the same way IRL. I always feel like I'm treading on people's toes. For instance I don't find giving breastfeeding advice IRL as easy as it is here. I dunno... probably not really related to this thread, but probably contributes to my current 'openness' and it not being received too well IRL. hehe. It's a different forum here.. people are here to give & receive advice and to learn.. whereas IRL that assumption cant be made.. so I have to watch I'm not giving unwanted advice or information about myself! does that make sense?
I think it depends on the company. I am sure that all mums feel that way at times - I sure have. But there are a lot of mums who will be too worried to admit that in case they are judged. This is why BB is such a great place - we can be honest without fear of judgement. It's not often you get that IRL. That's one reason why I loved my local ABA group - it was the one place where I could be me, bf and talk about the ups and downs, without any disapproving looks.
TBH I think the lack of a supportive network, where parents help each other and are open about the hard times, is part of why parenting is hard. So many mums feel pressure to have clean houses and full social calendars when they are barely surviving on a minimal amount of sleep. Or they feel socially isolated because leaving the house with a baby and a toddler with different sleep patterns just seems too hard. But who do they ask for help from? And would they get it if they asked? I think we are really lacking a true sense of community, and it's really only when you have your first baby that you realise it.
There's a realy brilliant book I read along these lines a couple of years (though it might be hard to find a copy now). PM me if you want the details [/QUOTE]
Hi I'd love to know the name of the book & author. Not too sure how to PM though.
I am so glad I found this thread, I have found motherhood to be so isolating and one of the biggest struggles. I constantly feel that I am failing, failing my little people and failing myself because I am not the mother I wanted to be for them! I tend to not talk about how desparate I feel w other's unless they make a comment or bring it up because I have always got the feeling that Im the only one who feels this way... Sometimes I feel that I could just walk away but the only reason I don't is because I know I would regret it and I wouldn't be able to come back. So I muddle along but always question what Im doing and how I do it!!!
I found a good little book called "Your a fabulous Mum - Despite the stale bread, unmade beds and guilty thoughts in your head". It's a light look at feeling like your not succeeding and two quotes I love "Guilt - maternal - illusion of wrong doing. Irrational nagging conviction that you are failing your children and would be doing so much better if you were almost anyone else! Seemingly no male equivalent" & " The joys of motherhood are never fully experienced until the children are in bed" Anon.
I guess I will continue to muddle through because I know that in my heart, no matter what, I love to distraction my little people.
"Mother is the name for God on the lips of all children".
TUP, the name of the book is Secret Mothers Business and the author is Joanne Feilding. It's an Australian book written a few years ago. Hun, I promise you that you are not failing. Parenting is the most difficult job around, and it's always a work in progress. I don't think any of us are the mothers we thought we would be (at least I'm not ). The older ds gets, the less of a the 'ideal mother' I am.
Big hun. Like I said, you are not failing. We're all just muddling through, doing the best we can.
I've totally had that experience too - a friend of mine said "Ohhh we should have had a baby sooner, this is just great why did we wait" and all I could think was "Thank god we waited, I don't know how I would have coped if we did this when I was younger". I was a teeny bit jealous she felt that way too.
In my experience motherhood scores a 10 out of 10 for wonderful while also scoring a 10 out of 10 for bloody hard too. Maybe if it were less hard it would be less wonderful? Sorry off topic a bit.
I think it is a shame that people, especially other mothers can't be more honest. I always end up feeling guilty that I'm "not doing it right". It's also sad that the second you're having a less than positive feeling that it's interpreted as regret for having a baby. I was having a vent one day that I was tired and the reply was (from a friend) "Well you wanted him". Yes I did want him, and I love him very dearly but this has not negated my need for more than 4 hours sleep per night.....!
Maybe as flowerchild says it has to do with their experiences. I'm yet to meet anyone IRL who has a baby who is as bull in a china shop as my DS is But I'm in good company on BB hehe.
I so hear you Anna ... i for sometime thought there must be some secret code amongst Mothers and i felt so out of it ... like am i the ODD one here
Couple of times i left my Mother's Group meetup going home in almost tears as i could clearly see not a person appeared to be on my planet of thinking. But as time went by the cracks came undone with others Mother's whom turned out to be ' thinking ' some of the same things as i.
Anna ... i think perhaps for people like you & i we are just that much more open & outward in our thoughts & speaking out a loud. I say shame on those that gave you ' the look ' when they were thinking the same but didn't want to admit to it and therefore made you feel uncomfortable ... i for one was disappointed that the Mum's i was in contact with were not as supportive as i thought but as time went by i have since found like-minded Mother's HAPPY to admit openly of their thoughts & feelings and therefore help and support each other
... and as you mentioned Anna it's so true no one wants to look like they are not coping or appear to be the best Mother who walked the earth ... BUT i found when everyone's lovely children turned the big ' 2 ' WOW did everyone OPEN UP then, LOL
Honesty and openness about motherhood
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Isn't it awful when that happens!? When you have an honest disclosure and it's met with a "what the"? 
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