Honesty and openness about motherhood

[Arcadia]

Wow, I am loving the responses!

AnnaT - I love your attitude and I wish someone had told me the first 6 months were about survival...because that's all I was doing and I kept wondering why everyone else seemed to have it all together and I was just muddling on through.

Glamouricide - I think I am perhaps on the talkative end of the scale too () so perhaps those same people would glaze over no matter what because I just keep talking and talking and talking

Your post also got me thinking about how to talk about these things with the next generation of mummies. I mean I don't want to scare anyone, but I also don't want to put on a brave face so the person doesn't open up...so far I just validate EVERYTHING as normal.

"My baby wakes 10 times a night sometimes" - normal. "My baby feeds 2 hourly" - normal. "Still not crawing at x months - normal". The list goes on!

Do you think perhaps it is easier for some people not to say anything, because in the end it is ALL actually normal??? *Clouds part moment*

[Oorki Galoorki]

i would recomend a book called the mask of motherhood...
you might find it very interesting

[HarveyBub'sMum]

Wow, I thought so much about this, great topic.

I have a group of girlfriends who I met through my SIL who are older and have 3 or four kids each this was amazing because it gave me persmission to feel whatever I liked and to talk about it without feeling like an axe murderer.They told me that I'd say and feel horrible things about my baby (and my husband LOL) and it made such a difference.

When I met my mums group I thought, stuff this, I'm going to be completely honest and if they don't like me then I would just miss out. When they asked us what we liked about being a mum, I said that I wasn't sure I liked being a mum yet, then another girl said that she felt like selling her baby on ebay one night and that was it, we were off and I've made some really good friends who I can be honest with.

So continue to be brave, tell the truth, support other new mums to feel bad if they feel bad and if next time they love their baby to death then you'd love to hear about that too.

[Sagres]

Hmmm, I have noticed this also, but so far mostly in discussions about the birth. I was caught a bit unawares by it, I was just chatting with my 'mummy' family and friends about how the birth had gone and after a few discussions I realised I was being much more honest than they were, or that they were used to people being. Particularly regarding how I coped with the pain - I was quite open about how I was not coping and needed an epi (even though I was trying to avoid it), but found others were much more guarded about what pain relief they had, even my SIL who had quite a difficult birth and I imagine would have needed every pain relief option under the sun the poor girl.

[Winter]

Its funny that this topic came up in Mothers Group today. I didn't realise that one of the mums was struggling more than she let on and found it really hard to come to mg because 'everyone else was enjoying their baby' while she wasn't. This was a quiet side discussion with just 3 of us, but interestingly all 3 of us said that it was harder than we made out but we all try to put on a brave face about it.

I'm following all your thoughts on this topic with interest as I'm not sure why we put motherhood on such a pedistal when a lot of the time its hard graft and in a very real sense of the word *****ty.

Interestingly, I typed out a dsiclaimer - ooh but don't get me wrong, I still love being a mother - but isn't that exactly what this topic is about?!

[thepixie]

Winter I know exactly what you mean about the disclaimer! I was just about to do the same thing on another thread about things you miss since having kids, and went back and deleted it!
Why do we feel we need a disclaimer? Why can't we just talk about the negative aspects of our experience without feeling like we have to qualify it? Motherhood is bloody hard, frustrating, disgusting, painful and relentless at times, just as it is wonderful, empowering, delightful and funny at other times. Why do we feel that by talking about the bad bits people will think we don't love our children or that we regret becoming mothers?

[Glamourcide]

^ I know, right? Sometimes it feels like I'm not allowed to have a whinge about the sucky parts of being a mum, especially to my own mother (which is weird, right? You would think she would understand better than anyone, especially when she sees DD1 at her worst and swears I never gave her that much trouble) - we ended up having a big fight one day because I was at the end of my rope and she got all smart with me... 'Well, you *wanted* them...!' I went off my head at her! Of course I wanted them! Does that mean I'm supposed to pretend to all and sundry that my life is now a fricking Huggies commercial (to quote a PP, good one lol And btw I'm really glad things are so great for you - it's wonderful that you do have a great time!) 24/7, and completely deny that I do sometimes have trouble doing things right or putting up with the crap? Just because I have bad days, doesn't mean I wish I could take my kids back and trade them for the single, carefree life. Just because I struggle to cope some days, doesn't mean I don't appreciate the days when it all falls into place and I *loooove* being a mum. Just because I wanted to have kids, doesn't mean I'm not allowed to admit that I'm not a perfect parent.

[Mak]

I had a similiar experience at MG - I really struggled with feeling like the odd one out. Everyone else seemed to be breezing through, I also was challenged by the competitive nature of some of the girls. I guess you are not going to mesh with everyone so it is a case of finding like minded souls perhaps? We all love our kids and wouldn't be without them but I have not ever been as challenged or tested as I have since I had my girls.

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

I had a similiar experience at MG - I really struggled with feeling like the odd one out. Everyone else seemed to be breezing through, I also was challenged by the competitive nature of some of the girls. I guess you are not going to mesh with everyone so it is a case of finding like minded souls perhaps? We all love our kids and wouldn't be without them but I have not ever been as challenged or tested as I have since I had my girls.

Me too! - hence why i never went back to MG after the "official" ones which were held at the MCHN centre - I've since joined a play group and the girls are fantastic - we all have a whinge now and then about the stuff no-one ever mentions about motherhood which is great cause it helps me realise that im no the only one who has "bad" days

[Lolli]

Winter I know exactly what you mean about the disclaimer! I was just about to do the same thing on another thread about things you miss since having kids, and went back and deleted it!

Funny you should say that pixie, I was just reading back through that thread, going to myself "Gee I sound a bit harsh. Maybe I should have put a disclaimer on there.." I just assume that everyone else assumes that the disclaimer is automatic- we all love our little darlings to the moon and back but I'm going to whinge anyway I'm guilty of making the same mistake IRL and I kick myself after some conversations, thinking what a bad mummy I must sound like...

[TUP]

There's a realy brilliant book I read along these lines a couple of years (though it might be hard to find a copy now). PM me if you want the details [/QUOTE]

Hi I'd love to know the name of the book & author. Not too sure how to PM though.

I am so glad I found this thread, I have found motherhood to be so isolating and one of the biggest struggles. I constantly feel that I am failing, failing my little people and failing myself because I am not the mother I wanted to be for them! I tend to not talk about how desparate I feel w other's unless they make a comment or bring it up because I have always got the feeling that Im the only one who feels this way... Sometimes I feel that I could just walk away but the only reason I don't is because I know I would regret it and I wouldn't be able to come back. So I muddle along but always question what Im doing and how I do it!!!

I found a good little book called "Your a fabulous Mum - Despite the stale bread, unmade beds and guilty thoughts in your head". It's a light look at feeling like your not succeeding and two quotes I love "Guilt - maternal - illusion of wrong doing. Irrational nagging conviction that you are failing your children and would be doing so much better if you were almost anyone else! Seemingly no male equivalent" & " The joys of motherhood are never fully experienced until the children are in bed" Anon.

I guess I will continue to muddle through because I know that in my heart, no matter what, I love to distraction my little people.

"Mother is the name for God on the lips of all children".

[Lolli]

TUP, the name of the book is Secret Mothers Business and the author is Joanne Feilding. It's an Australian book written a few years ago. Hun, I promise you that you are not failing. Parenting is the most difficult job around, and it's always a work in progress. I don't think any of us are the mothers we thought we would be (at least I'm not ). The older ds gets, the less of a the 'ideal mother' I am.

Big hun. Like I said, you are not failing. We're all just muddling through, doing the best we can.

[TUP]

TUP, the name of the book is Secret Mothers Business and the author is Joanne Feilding. It's an Australian book written a few years ago. Hun, I promise you that you are not failing. Parenting is the most difficult job around, and it's always a work in progress. I don't think any of us are the mothers we thought we would be (at least I'm not ). The older ds gets, the less of a the 'ideal mother' I am.

Thanks LoriRae

It's funny cos I work as a social worker, with high risk offenders and I am so confident in my ability to do my job yet my little people have the ability in an instant to totally undo me!!

I have had a look for that book , found it on ebay and the next one she wrote so they should be here next week. Am looking forward to reading them...

I hope everyone has had a great weekend

[Bathsheba]

Such a great thread... bumpity bumping it out of the cobwebs

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I won't be honest. I know full well that DS's "failings" are my fault and I need to behave as a childless Nanny to correct him. I know that this is the advice from about 95% of the population should I mention that I struggle, that DS doesn't sleep through (still! age three!), that I am ungrateful enough to see that some things are easier without children... so I tend to hang out with the 5% of the population who have normal children too. Hard to find them. They're not people I would like otherwise. Or even cross the road to speak to. But they have normal children, which makes them a godsend in my eyes. But you do get a lot of knockbacks in finding them.

I wonder why? OK some children are unnatural but why do mothers pretend that motherhood is like having a new and flash dolly?