Honesty and openness about motherhood

[MantaRay]

I think it depends on the company. I am sure that all mums feel that way at times - I sure have. But there are a lot of mums who will be too worried to admit that in case they are judged. This is why BB is such a great place - we can be honest without fear of judgement. It's not often you get that IRL. That's one reason why I loved my local ABA group - it was the one place where I could be me, bf and talk about the ups and downs, without any disapproving looks.

TBH I think the lack of a supportive network, where parents help each other and are open about the hard times, is part of why parenting is hard. So many mums feel pressure to have clean houses and full social calendars when they are barely surviving on a minimal amount of sleep. Or they feel socially isolated because leaving the house with a baby and a toddler with different sleep patterns just seems too hard. But who do they ask for help from? And would they get it if they asked? I think we are really lacking a true sense of community, and it's really only when you have your first baby that you realise it.

[fionas]

I think it's hard to say those things to people that you don't know eg. people in your Mothers Group because they basically don't know you from a bar of soap and the only frame of reference at first is the mothering thing. I found it difficult NOT to jump to conclusions about what sort of person someone was just from a couple of throwaway comments.

I think with friends it's easier - I mean I certainly wouldn't think one of my friends was a bad mum if she complained about the sleep deprivation because we've shared lots of experiences and I know she's a good person IYKWIM.

TBH, I think I had really low expectations of motherhood as most of what I've read in the 'thinking' mainstream press (eg. The Age) and women's mags such as Marie Claire emphasised just how hard motherhood is. So that has probably tempered my attitude ... I expected it to bloody hard because I hadn't read anything that said how wonderful it can be.

[Winter]

Its hard to admit that not everything is going so well, I guess. I find too that when times are harder than usual and I feel a bit flat, I tend to keep it in rather than say "I'm a bit flat" as what are people IRL going to say? They're generally going through the same thing and its hard to have DMs over crying babies, toddlers who want attention and the myriad of attention sappers that that interupt mothers conversations.

Thank goodness the BB girls will give you a 'chin up, tiger' and a hug!

[Arcadia]

Thanks everyone for the replies. This thread has certainly opened up my persepctive and re-affirmed (yet again) why I lurve BB!

Tish - You're always great company on BB!

LoriRae - Thanks for the post - I will PM you about the book!

Liz - I know what you mean about "poor me" sessions, because I certainly don't like that - I am just missing a rational and frank dicussion about how I feel sometimes, without it being couched in humour or exaggeration...but I think sometimes people respond better to an over the top "woe is me" kinda tone iykwim? And I agree about the "treading on people's toes" factor IRL...it makes it hard.

MR - I am an ABA member, so maybe I should try and get along to some more sessions (in fact I am hosting one very soon!)

fionas - I totally agree about the Mother's Group thing, and I have stopped going, because I felt I wasn't being understood. I think I had zero expectations about motherhood - and in a way its just been a shock to the system.

Willow - that is so, so true about women IRL being too busy to really talk. My SIL and I always try and have D&Ms, only to be interrupted a zillion times by our babies (and her toddlers).

Thanks again everyone!

[Astrid]

I find that people I am making friends with are the ones who can be honest about parenting. So for me, I find that the difficulty in talking about being a parent depends on the other persons personality. There are some who I just open up more naturally to and others who I automatically put on the brave face. Have to admit as much as I love a good conversation about parenting in today's society, I do sometimes get that glazed look depending on who is talking. That person though is normally the one who loves the good whinge, but does not seem to be interested in what others have to say.

[Freya]

Im quite honest about it all. But people expect me to be frazzled and not coping with 3 boys 15mths apart I think the reason why Im coping better than people expect is because I expected bad days, heck even bad weeks. I totally right off the first 6mths after my bubs are born as just-survive time. I remind myself that they grow up fast so I dont want to miss out on now but keep in mind that in 5 years life will have shifted completely.

I have days where I couldnt imagine my life any different and then others where I have the "Why did I?" moments. I think its perfectly normal, parenting has to be about the hardest job there is to do and its never ending - no holidays, sick leave, overtime pay, 12hr shifts. If you worked your 9-5 job 24/7 for years you'd burn out and get sick of it occasionally too.

I find alot of people dont want to face reality so they all put on brave faces. Me, Im a honesty-is-best-live-in-the-real-world kinda person so I cant pretend everything is peachy keen if it isnt.

Having second thoughts about motherhood, or even bad times where you wonder why and dont cope very well doesnt mean you hate your kids, hate being a mother, hate your life - it means your human.

[Roryrory]

Hi Anna

Great topic - like you one of the reasons I love BB!

Personally, I tend not to be open about my experience of motherhood because it has been nothing but a huggies commercial for me. Like all of us I have had days where I have yelled at my boys, burnt them or bumped their heads accidentally, given them lollies to keep them quiet, felt guilty about this or that or generally been too tired to respond to their cries sometimes, but on the whole it has been absolutely marvellous for me. I didn't suffer from PND, found breastfeeding to be like falling off a log, had great briths and pregnancies with both, have a supportive husband who is home full time with them while I maintain a successful and interesting career and my mother is a great help as well (plus it helps that both boys were robust and healthy and never suffered from colic). I honestly feel like I have cheated I have it that good. I know it sounds like I am being arrogant but I actually think I am extreeeeemely lucky and so that's why I don't really talk about my experiences much. Just a different angle

[Freya]

Yeah see thats the thing Rory, sometimes no one wants to hear if your journey has been pretty good. Its like a competition amongst women, who can do it better lol They want people to say "Oh IM not coping, how about you" so they can fib and say "Oh fabulous" but secretly think Oh thankgod, her kids have xxx more tanties than mine, sleep xxxx amount of time less..........et al"

I often get people saying "Oh it isnt fair you make having 3 kids so close look easy" and "Oh can I have advice about xxxxxxxx cause your like a mothering guru, your kids are so good" blah blah blah. I remind them that they only see my kids 1/4 of the time, the rest of the time they are just a normally naughty and horrible as everyone else's. As for being wise, I can only give comment on whats worked for myself which is not what might work for everyone else. Like you Ive been veeeeeeery lucky to get pretty good babies/kids; so its been a tad bit easier to deal with the moments of chaos.

And thats what it all comes down too - LUCK lol

[Jas]

Just wanted to add I saw a little bit of an Oprah episode a couple of months back (was interrupted by motherly duties!) about this. There was a book on there 2 friends wrote about this..some thing like "I'd swap my husband for a housekeeper"

[Arcadia]

Wow, I am loving the responses!

AnnaT - I love your attitude and I wish someone had told me the first 6 months were about survival...because that's all I was doing and I kept wondering why everyone else seemed to have it all together and I was just muddling on through.

Glamouricide - I think I am perhaps on the talkative end of the scale too () so perhaps those same people would glaze over no matter what because I just keep talking and talking and talking

Your post also got me thinking about how to talk about these things with the next generation of mummies. I mean I don't want to scare anyone, but I also don't want to put on a brave face so the person doesn't open up...so far I just validate EVERYTHING as normal.

"My baby wakes 10 times a night sometimes" - normal. "My baby feeds 2 hourly" - normal. "Still not crawing at x months - normal". The list goes on!

Do you think perhaps it is easier for some people not to say anything, because in the end it is ALL actually normal??? *Clouds part moment*

[Oorki Galoorki]

i would recomend a book called the mask of motherhood...
you might find it very interesting

[HarveyBub'sMum]

Wow, I thought so much about this, great topic.

I have a group of girlfriends who I met through my SIL who are older and have 3 or four kids each this was amazing because it gave me persmission to feel whatever I liked and to talk about it without feeling like an axe murderer.They told me that I'd say and feel horrible things about my baby (and my husband LOL) and it made such a difference.

When I met my mums group I thought, stuff this, I'm going to be completely honest and if they don't like me then I would just miss out. When they asked us what we liked about being a mum, I said that I wasn't sure I liked being a mum yet, then another girl said that she felt like selling her baby on ebay one night and that was it, we were off and I've made some really good friends who I can be honest with.

So continue to be brave, tell the truth, support other new mums to feel bad if they feel bad and if next time they love their baby to death then you'd love to hear about that too.

[Sagres]

Hmmm, I have noticed this also, but so far mostly in discussions about the birth. I was caught a bit unawares by it, I was just chatting with my 'mummy' family and friends about how the birth had gone and after a few discussions I realised I was being much more honest than they were, or that they were used to people being. Particularly regarding how I coped with the pain - I was quite open about how I was not coping and needed an epi (even though I was trying to avoid it), but found others were much more guarded about what pain relief they had, even my SIL who had quite a difficult birth and I imagine would have needed every pain relief option under the sun the poor girl.

[Winter]

Its funny that this topic came up in Mothers Group today. I didn't realise that one of the mums was struggling more than she let on and found it really hard to come to mg because 'everyone else was enjoying their baby' while she wasn't. This was a quiet side discussion with just 3 of us, but interestingly all 3 of us said that it was harder than we made out but we all try to put on a brave face about it.

I'm following all your thoughts on this topic with interest as I'm not sure why we put motherhood on such a pedistal when a lot of the time its hard graft and in a very real sense of the word *****ty.

Interestingly, I typed out a dsiclaimer - ooh but don't get me wrong, I still love being a mother - but isn't that exactly what this topic is about?!

[thepixie]

Winter I know exactly what you mean about the disclaimer! I was just about to do the same thing on another thread about things you miss since having kids, and went back and deleted it!
Why do we feel we need a disclaimer? Why can't we just talk about the negative aspects of our experience without feeling like we have to qualify it? Motherhood is bloody hard, frustrating, disgusting, painful and relentless at times, just as it is wonderful, empowering, delightful and funny at other times. Why do we feel that by talking about the bad bits people will think we don't love our children or that we regret becoming mothers?

[Glamourcide]

^ I know, right? Sometimes it feels like I'm not allowed to have a whinge about the sucky parts of being a mum, especially to my own mother (which is weird, right? You would think she would understand better than anyone, especially when she sees DD1 at her worst and swears I never gave her that much trouble) - we ended up having a big fight one day because I was at the end of my rope and she got all smart with me... 'Well, you *wanted* them...!' I went off my head at her! Of course I wanted them! Does that mean I'm supposed to pretend to all and sundry that my life is now a fricking Huggies commercial (to quote a PP, good one lol And btw I'm really glad things are so great for you - it's wonderful that you do have a great time!) 24/7, and completely deny that I do sometimes have trouble doing things right or putting up with the crap? Just because I have bad days, doesn't mean I wish I could take my kids back and trade them for the single, carefree life. Just because I struggle to cope some days, doesn't mean I don't appreciate the days when it all falls into place and I *loooove* being a mum. Just because I wanted to have kids, doesn't mean I'm not allowed to admit that I'm not a perfect parent.

[Lolli]

Winter I know exactly what you mean about the disclaimer! I was just about to do the same thing on another thread about things you miss since having kids, and went back and deleted it!

Funny you should say that pixie, I was just reading back through that thread, going to myself "Gee I sound a bit harsh. Maybe I should have put a disclaimer on there.." I just assume that everyone else assumes that the disclaimer is automatic- we all love our little darlings to the moon and back but I'm going to whinge anyway I'm guilty of making the same mistake IRL and I kick myself after some conversations, thinking what a bad mummy I must sound like...