How do you process regret?

[peanutter]

I find that sort of thing can just do your head in, especially because even if we had done/said/been whatever, we've got no actual way of knowing how things would have ended up ...

So in terms of processing regret, I'm not sure that I do ...

There are some things I would like to have done differently - but doing them differently may or may not have meant that I had a better - or even different - end state of play.

Some things I perhaps would do differently anyway (spending more time with loved ones before they died, not doing or saying things which ended up hurting people I love, whatever) but flaws and all, the bundle of actions and inactions and wins and mistakes that have happened along the way have made me "me" ... and so on I plod ...

[sushee]

I am pretty good at letting go of regret. There are many things I regret, but I tend to then ask myself what path that choice set me on, and I try to take the lesson and make something of it. I guess I'm not a wallower, and even when times were hard and I wish I hadn't set down that path, I try to think of how it's enriched me, or at worst, how it's made me become the person I am as a result. And I guess because I kinda like the person I am, I can't feel any real deep regret for the things that have shaped me.

[Mak]

I think it is easy to idealise how you think scenarios would have played out but like PP's have said you cannot be certain, maybe at best you can predict other eventualities but that is as close as you'll get. I try to remember that the coulds, woulds and shoulds all fit into this group. Try to be kind to yourself too - hindsight can make everything seem simple when it may not have been at the time.

[LionsandBears]

Time and a fair bit of hard work. You know that irritating old saying, take a hard look at yourself? Well, that applies to learning from our mistakes.

I've done things I regret. A few years ago I may have still felt embarrassed/bad/self loathing about it. Now I can look back and think, we'll that's who I was then and those are the choices I made. I lived with the consequences, but, more importantly, I did something about it. Sooner or later, I left that relationship, job, friendship. Physically or emotionally or both. Even when I thought I wouldn't survive, that I'd never have another job or relationship or whatever. At some stage, I stood up for myself or someone else and said no, this is wrong. And made a change.

I can't unmake the past. I cant predict the future, but I can influenece it by what I do in the present. Do you know the serenity prayer?

god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

Easy words to write and say. Bloody hard to put into practice. I may not be religious, but sometimes I've had to learn to let go and hand stuff over to a higher power. I cannot change that person, what happened in the past, that situation. I cannot take back words said in anger, but I can try to put right what matters to me. I've disowned family and regained them again. I can't take back the hurt I caused but I can prevent causing more in future.

i suppose also, I can look back now and tell myself: You thought you wouldn't survive, but see you did. You met a better man, you got a better job, you have gained better friends. You've become a better person.

Those choices I made may have been bad but they weren't the end of the world either.

I think if you regret without purpose, without action or without learning something about yourself, then it's a waste of energy. If you can say, I regret this, but I have learnt X or I will try to learn Y, then you learn to live with it. You learn to forgive yourself and eventually, you learn to forgive others.

[Cassius2]

I've done things I regret. A few years ago I may have still felt embarrassed/bad/self loathing about it. Now I can look back and think, we'll that's who I was then and those are the choices I made. I lived with the consequences, but, more importantly, I did something about it. Sooner or later, I left that relationship, job, friendship. Physically or emotionally or both. Even when I thought I wouldn't survive, that I'd never have another job or relationship or whatever. At some stage, I stood up for myself or someone else and said no, this is wrong. And made a change.

Yep. and Yep. Try to turn that regret into a positive, it has set you on this path, one that includes awakening and realisation. Dude, seriously, some people go through an entire lifetime without the chance to ponder or process their regret and to me, that is far worse than finding yourself in a situation now, where there is a chance to make a positive change from a decision made long ago. I guess this is what learning and growing is all about. and it certainly doesnt stop once we get through puberty or graduate from school etc!...learning is life-long. it's what we ultimately choose to do with it that really matters

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I have things in my life - big things - I could regret. That could haunt me every day.

And if I had done things differently, so I didn't have the regrets I do... would I be happy? Would I be married to the Ambassador, would I have Liebling? Would I have my nice house in the nice village? Would I have my friends? Would I have my comically insulting MiL (who hasn't said anything inappropriate for quite a long time and I'm missing it)?

I also look at the regrets I'd have if I changed my actions so I didn't have my regrets. If I chose the school I wanted over the school my mother wanted, yes, I'd have done better at school. I would not have needed a year out to find a university place (maybe) and would have had help for my home life (again, maybe). Different university choice, never met the ambassador. So can't regret that choice when I was 11.

If I'd have said "no, I am not putting up with this" and sought help with my mother earlier... my mother would have had a breakdown and it would be my fault, not willing to live with that. Yes, she was (and is) abusive but I'm not, and that's the difference. Plus I don't want to deal with the family backlash. Also, I wouldn't have been driven to go into teaching and child safeguarding, so wouldn't have my career now. Without my career, I wouldn't have the house I do. And I like my house. Plus we wouldn't be talking about Stormageddon happening "soon" as I'd still be in a low-paid job.

So although I regret things, I cannot change them so I will not - short of inventing a time machine "will not change the past" isn't that hard anyway. And I don't want to change them. The things I regret haven't made life easy, but they have made life the way it is. And life isn't bad right now. It isn't easy and there are struggles, but it will be good again.

[LionsandBears]

It isn't easy and there are struggles, but it will be good again.

I think this is really important to understand. Life isn't orderly or fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes randomly and sometimes as a result of choices we make.

If I could go back and change some of my choices, maybe I would be a successful author with living children, making loads of dosh and paying most of it in child support to some douche of a sperm donor. Or maybe I would have been killed in a car accident or become a drug addict or drowned or been raped and murdered or won the lottery or travelled around the world. The thing is, we'll never know about what happened in the parallel universes where we made different choices. All we can do is deal with the what we've said and done as best we can now.