How to follow my own parenting philosopy with grace

[Lulu]

I think it's asking to much to expect to handle everything with grace. I think it's natural to feel all the things you do, adding disappointment to the mix probably won't help.

I just remember I am human, wait for it to pass - and rant and carry on if I feel like it. Blows off the steam quicker and I can return to normal programming

[skeetaboat]

OMG.. please don't tell my DH I'm supposed to handle this gig with grace!!

Neither of our kids have ever been left to CIO and we also follow gentle parenting. But when the kids are out of earshot, I have kicked, yelled, cried, thumped, banged and whinged my heart out when it all got too much. Which lately, is frequently.

Give yourself a break hun. It's a tough road we've chosen, it's not always going to be easy and you're not always going to be able to suck it up when things get tough.

It gets better, too. Always remember that. And I too think what Leasha thinks. If god forbid anything bad ever happened, at least I'd have no regrets about my parenting. That helps. Venting to someone who understands also helps. So does getting practical help so you can have a nap (we take it in turns to sleep in on weekends). And if you're really struggling to keep your cool when it's just you and bubs, it's ok to put them down, leave the room, calm down while you count to 20, and go back in.

[Winter]

This is going to sound silly maybe, but I try to bring myself very much into the moment when I get these feelings. I take deep breaths and breathe my way to serenity, and really try to take in my baby - her ears, her lovely legs, her feet resting against my arm. It doesn't always work & sometimes I'm way too frustrated to even remember that I want to be calm ! but I do try. I sometimes lay in bed thinking - just go back to sleep!! and I listen to her whinge for 20 minutes, when if I had of got up when she first wanted me, I'd be back in bed already by now. That motivates me too!

[suse]

Just remember - you are human and you have needs. Making a conscious choice to put aside those needs (some of which are biological imperatives, like sleep) for someone who cannot make or even understand such a choice is an incredibly selfless thing to do, but it's not easy.

I think we've all done things in sheer exhaustion that we would prefer not to have done, or that don't feel wholly consistent with a gentle parenting philosophy. And probably things will get to a point where we do them again. All we can do is learn from those things and try to implement ways of dealing with them more effectively.

Touching on what Just Me said, I guess what we have to ask ourselves, is what the benefit of a particular aspect of gentle parenting is to the child if that aspect unbalances the rest of the parenting equation. If you (or any parent) are so overwhelmed by long-term exhaustion that you cannot function properly or it affects your temperament in a way that is not just transient, for example, then perhaps it might be worthwhile to consider ways that allow you to start meeting your own needs whilst still following the guiding principles of gentle parenting.

I think Dr Jay Gordon (a US pro-attachment parenting paediatrician who has a great methodology of night weaning for co-sleepers that can be applied to non-co-sleepers as well) put it well when he said that a parent who has their own basic needs met is much better able to meet the needs of their child, and that there has to be some recognition of the needs of the rest of the family. I know in myself that when I am dead tired, I can't run around with DS, I can't engage with him in the same way that I do when I've had a half decent night's sleep. We spent so long in a day trying to get him to sleep (he would sometimes take up to three hours of rocking to return to sleep after a night wake, and it frustrated him as much as anybody that he couldn't sleep, he was constantly exhausted), that the overwhelming focus was on sleep - we didn't have time for anything else. I started to take the approach that I could be a better parent to DS if we were both well rested, and looked at ways that I could encourage him to learn better sleep habits that did not conflict with the principles of attachment parenting (admittedly, my DS was a bit older than yours when I did this).

Incidentally, we have never co-slept either, and after a week of a sick DS who has shared our bed I better understand the wisdom of not sharing a bed with a child who will, over the course of the night, utilise every square inch of bed space, and get quite annoyed if someone else is currently occupying any of that space. I mention it because gentle parenting is a guiding principle, it's not a set of boxes that must be ticked. I have never felt any qualms about not co-sleeping, because it doesn't work for DS, and it doesn't work for the rest of our family. I can be a gentle parent in other ways. So to answer your original question about conflicts - if something conflicts between myself and DS, if it is a little conflict, then I deal with it. But if it's a big conflict that unbalances everything else, then I look at ways where that conflict can be resolved in a gentle way.

Other posters have given great advice on how to deal with the difficulty. My advice is a little different - if you are finding yourself at a point where you are unable to function or that you are spending a completely unbalanced amount of energy on one aspect of your DS' development (eg: sleep), you can change the 'routine' and still gentle parent, and not CC. It's all in the way you do it.

[~Kaz~]

Thanks for your replies. I have continued to give this a lot of thought over the past few days and all of your posts have been helpful and given me things to think about.

One of the mum's in my bellybuddies group lost her beautiful daughter at term this time last year. Thinking of that mum and her angel has helped me a lot over the past 12 months to appreciate what I have. I think I should try to remember them more often when times are tough in the middle of the night though and not just think of them generally during the day.

I am going to try to keep doing better. I know this is partly about my expectations of myself and I am human and will slip up now and then, but I also think that doesn't really let me off the hook either. I am the adult and I have way more self control than DS. I do need to take a step back when the frustration gets too much. Leaving him for a few minutes is better than raising my voice or getting into that negative cycle. I am going to try to remember that when things are going smoothly, I am not likely to learn very much about myself. Whereas when times are tough, they are actually an opportunity for me to learn and grow as a person.

Suse - your comments about balance really struck a chord (and I have to spread the love!) - things have been way out of balance lately in terms of sleep. Thinking about it in those terms is really helpful and stops me 'blaming' myself. And you're so right about it not being a tick a box thing. I realise now I had been feeling a bit uneasy about the fact that we don't co-sleep - like maybe if we had persevered earlier things would be easier now but that's not necessarily true because it just wasn't working.

I think I have always seen myself as a fairly giving person. Generous with my time, money and emotions - especially with friends/family but also in my (paid) work too. Perhaps I thought gentle parenting methods were going to come more naturally ALL of the time than they have or possibly can? Or that because I'm putting in a lot of effort and hard work, I would be seeing benefits by now (as with other non-parenting things in life I have previously worked hard for). I have decided that DS's difficulties sleeping are a good test for me. This situation is here to teach me something (or perhaps many things about stuff like delayed gratification, control, and the fact that no matter how much I might want something for him or from him, he may not be able to do what I want him to) and in a way, I need to learn to cope with this period in preparation for all of the other challenges of parenting that are coming down the track. In a lot of ways, I know this is still a relatively easy period.

[~Kim~]

Kaz, I wish I had some great advice, but I don't. As you know I'm stuck there too.
I have been trying to reply since you posted, but I just wanted to let you know you have given me lots to think about too.