Thanks for your replies. I have continued to give this a lot of thought over the past few days and all of your posts have been helpful and given me things to think about.
One of the mum's in my bellybuddies group lost her beautiful daughter at term this time last year. Thinking of that mum and her angel has helped me a lot over the past 12 months to appreciate what I have. I think I should try to remember them more often when times are tough in the middle of the night though and not just think of them generally during the day.
I am going to try to keep doing better. I know this is partly about my expectations of myself and I am human and will slip up now and then, but I also think that doesn't really let me off the hook either. I am the adult and I have way more self control than DS. I do need to take a step back when the frustration gets too much. Leaving him for a few minutes is better than raising my voice or getting into that negative cycle. I am going to try to remember that when things are going smoothly, I am not likely to learn very much about myself. Whereas when times are tough, they are actually an opportunity for me to learn and grow as a person.
Suse - your comments about balance really struck a chord (and I have to spread the love!) - things have been way out of balance lately in terms of sleep. Thinking about it in those terms is really helpful and stops me 'blaming' myself. And you're so right about it not being a tick a box thing. I realise now I had been feeling a bit uneasy about the fact that we don't co-sleep - like maybe if we had persevered earlier things would be easier now but that's not necessarily true because it just wasn't working.
I think I have always seen myself as a fairly giving person. Generous with my time, money and emotions - especially with friends/family but also in my (paid) work too. Perhaps I thought gentle parenting methods were going to come more naturally ALL of the time than they have or possibly can? Or that because I'm putting in a lot of effort and hard work, I would be seeing benefits by now (as with other non-parenting things in life I have previously worked hard for). I have decided that DS's difficulties sleeping are a good test for me. This situation is here to teach me something (or perhaps many things about stuff like delayed gratification, control, and the fact that no matter how much I might want something for him or from him, he may not be able to do what I want him to) and in a way, I need to learn to cope with this period in preparation for all of the other challenges of parenting that are coming down the track. In a lot of ways, I know this is still a relatively easy period.
Kaz, I wish I had some great advice, but I don't. As you know I'm stuck there too.
I have been trying to reply since you posted, but I just wanted to let you know you have given me lots to think about too.
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