No more... All mothers please read!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Cheers Rouge. Good call.

kelebek: weetabix for tea is considered bad in some circles? OK, let's forget I do that one now... not likely, DS prefers that to anything else.

[Muppity]

Well said ladies.

[Mak]

Great thread - it is amazing how much a change of approach can impact the family dynamics.
Generally people all do the best job they can at the time, with the tools and resources available. I really believe the key is trying to reflect on how you can improve/refine your approach rather than beat yourself up about past events. This can take quite some effort to achieve and is harder without sleep, support, time etc....

Thanks for the reminder and food for thought! x

[Jennifer13]

No one is a 'bad' Mum, just a Mum trying to do their best! It's fine to seek reassurance when you feel you haven't done something perfectly (or as well as you would have liked), but I also agree the use of language is important.

"Whoops, I made a mistake" is very different to labelling yourself as 'bad'.

[Cassius2]

if we are talking about a 'true' way of thinking in terms of everyday emotional input/output as to our self view of parenting then, i agree with your sentiment. we need to give ourselves a break.

But, if we are talking in relation to threads that people put on here seeking reassurance or alternatives then i wholeheartedly disagree with the sentiment. it is way too PC and 'perfectionist'.

what i like about BB is that you can get a chance to express whatever deep hidden self doubts/insecurities taht you may have about the way you are conducting pregnancy, birth and baby. it is a forum that is there for learning. and sometimes when a fear is new and confronting the first thing that you feel is 'bad' or like the 'worst mother' and IMHO it is AOK to come on here and seek some guidance/support/whoop-ass to get you back on track or, alternatively to learn to trust your way. if someone wants to come on here and confide their fears (and have no other way of doing it IRL due to a lack of 'village' then i am all for it and will always strive to help/guide/kick up the butt as much as i can offer.

[Oorki Galoorki]

Cassius usually though if some one gets a kick up the bum when having a "bad" moment then everyone gets on the defensive.

That is why i said be confident in your choices, but if you are not come and get guildance first.. before carying out something your not sure about.

[christy]

Beautifully put my friend. I agree. I have been through a huge emotional journey with this. With our struggles with DD1 prior to getting a diagnosis of Autism, we were told again and again that it was our parenting, and therefore we were bad parents. It was devestating and hurtful. We have overcome that, but not without a journey of deciding that we aren't bad parents.

[Sterla]

if we are talking about a 'true' way of thinking in terms of everyday emotional input/output as to our self view of parenting then, i agree with your sentiment. we need to give ourselves a break.

But, if we are talking in relation to threads that people put on here seeking reassurance or alternatives then i wholeheartedly disagree with the sentiment. it is way too PC and 'perfectionist'.

what i like about BB is that you can get a chance to express whatever deep hidden self doubts/insecurities taht you may have about the way you are conducting pregnancy, birth and baby. it is a forum that is there for learning. and sometimes when a fear is new and confronting the first thing that you feel is 'bad' or like the 'worst mother' and IMHO it is AOK to come on here and seek some guidance/support/whoop-ass to get you back on track or, alternatively to learn to trust your way. if someone wants to come on here and confide their fears (and have no other way of doing it IRL due to a lack of 'village' then i am all for it and will always strive to help/guide/kick up the butt as much as i can offer.

I agree with you Cassius - I've just been trying to work out how to word it all morning .

I think the negative labels need to stop. Really, is anyone a 'bad mother'? You'd have to be pretty shocking to actually have that label. As mothers we all make mistakes and we learn from those mistakes - but those mistakes don't make us bad mothers. We all want what is best for our children, and do the best job we can raising them.

But, like Cassius said, I think it's important that we should be able to come to BB to admit those mistakes, and be given reassurance that it's okay. Not that the mistake was okay, but that the fact we made it is okay, we've learnt from it, and can move on. I always feel much better once I've confided something I've done that I'm not proud of, or wish I'd done differently. It helps me to clarify what I did, how I feel, and what I wish to do in the future.

I'm all for being confident with choices, but a lot of the 'bad mum' threads I've seen haven't really been related to choice. These little mistakes we make aren't always choices - they're the result of us being imperfect human beings. We're all learning, and part of the learning experience is that 'debrief' after a mistake.

[onthefly]

I think sometimes as parents we have unrealistic expectations of perfection for ourselves - we forget that we are humans, and as humans we are bound to make mistakes sometimes.

So, yes, of course it's ok to admit we've made mistakes, and it's important sometimes to seek reassurance that things will still be ok.

I just find it very sad when mothers say they are terrible or bad mothers because they've made a mistake. If you learn from your mistakes and seek to rectify any problems in the best interests of your family, then you're a good mother as far as I'm concerned.

I think the other aspect of this is sometimes when people make decisions they are not 100% happy or confident with they post here seeking reassurance or validation. But announcing that you're the worst mother ever, or something to that effect, just deflects responses away from the real issue - ie, supporting mums and helping them to feel more confident in themselves - toward offering pallatives.

To be honest, the main reason it gets to me is because I've done it too. And it peeves me that I've thought this way about myself.

[BloominRoses]

When I first read this thread last night I knew where I stood but after reading Cassius' post, I think I'm sitting on the fence with this one as I believe different people use these words to fulfil different needs.

Anyone who knows me well will say that I'm quite easy-going about most things but I've even caught myself saying, not often but still, "here's another one for the Bad Mummy's Club" and once even "DS hates me".

Do I mean either of those sentiments? Heck no. Not even for a second. And as I'm just an emotional spewer, my making those statements is usually just my way of venting something, but more often than not just trying to use humour in a certain situation where I feel/know/suspect I could have done something better. I KNOW I'm not a bad Mummy - heck I've had to flippin' prove it recently - and to tell you the truth, I would kick someone in the teeth if they ever even suggested I was at this point.

Maybe subconsciously I was looking for reassurance from those around me when I said those words? Probably on some level but a lot of the time I'm just using a common (sadly) turn of words to quickly acknowledge that I'm aware of my failings and am ready to have a laugh about them, sometimes after I've had a cry first.

Also maybe the commonness of using these labels today is a direct backlash against putting on an act like we're all perfect, serene and CLEAN lol, Mummies. It's almost like a separate movement has formed as a result where people feel bold enough to come out and admit when they feel they've made a mistake, and sometimes even giggle about it after getting some support from others as opposed to just keeping everything 'hush hush' and pretending they live in Pleasantville.

As for me, for those that have heard me say it I think would agree it's always been said in a deadpan or sarcastic way but I do agree that I would never want DS to hear me say those words in any context. Ever. Because the flipside, as Rouge used as an example with DS referring to himself as a 'bad son' would just devastate me. So if that means I never say it at all, even with a sometimes humourous slant, then so be it and I'll consider myself lucky he's too young to even scratch his own nose, let alone understand what his Mummy said in the past!

[Lolli]

Agreeing with Cassius and Sterla.

I often vote myself president of the 'bad mummy's club', but i do it totally tongue in cheek. I'm also thinking of another that's running atm, about friends without kids judging your parenting. My being a 'bad' mummy is also a throwback reaction to that- as they say, I used to be perfect parent before i had kids. i find soladarity and sistahood in commiserating my 'bad' mummy experiences with other 'bad' mummies who have done what is not ideal- shouted, smacked, bribed, used the Nanny Panasonic

Having said that, it's not something I've internalised. i call myself a 'bad' mummy because I know I'm not one- I adore my kids and do my absolute best by them. But I also know I'm not perfect and i like to have a (self depreciating) sense of humour about myself.

But I'm also taking on what Rogue has said- language is important and I wouldn't like my kids to hear me say that I'm bad. Maybe i need to come up with some other terminology