No more... All mothers please read!

[onthefly]

I think sometimes as parents we have unrealistic expectations of perfection for ourselves - we forget that we are humans, and as humans we are bound to make mistakes sometimes.

So, yes, of course it's ok to admit we've made mistakes, and it's important sometimes to seek reassurance that things will still be ok.

I just find it very sad when mothers say they are terrible or bad mothers because they've made a mistake. If you learn from your mistakes and seek to rectify any problems in the best interests of your family, then you're a good mother as far as I'm concerned.

I think the other aspect of this is sometimes when people make decisions they are not 100% happy or confident with they post here seeking reassurance or validation. But announcing that you're the worst mother ever, or something to that effect, just deflects responses away from the real issue - ie, supporting mums and helping them to feel more confident in themselves - toward offering pallatives.

To be honest, the main reason it gets to me is because I've done it too. And it peeves me that I've thought this way about myself.

[BloominRoses]

When I first read this thread last night I knew where I stood but after reading Cassius' post, I think I'm sitting on the fence with this one as I believe different people use these words to fulfil different needs.

Anyone who knows me well will say that I'm quite easy-going about most things but I've even caught myself saying, not often but still, "here's another one for the Bad Mummy's Club" and once even "DS hates me".

Do I mean either of those sentiments? Heck no. Not even for a second. And as I'm just an emotional spewer, my making those statements is usually just my way of venting something, but more often than not just trying to use humour in a certain situation where I feel/know/suspect I could have done something better. I KNOW I'm not a bad Mummy - heck I've had to flippin' prove it recently - and to tell you the truth, I would kick someone in the teeth if they ever even suggested I was at this point.

Maybe subconsciously I was looking for reassurance from those around me when I said those words? Probably on some level but a lot of the time I'm just using a common (sadly) turn of words to quickly acknowledge that I'm aware of my failings and am ready to have a laugh about them, sometimes after I've had a cry first.

Also maybe the commonness of using these labels today is a direct backlash against putting on an act like we're all perfect, serene and CLEAN lol, Mummies. It's almost like a separate movement has formed as a result where people feel bold enough to come out and admit when they feel they've made a mistake, and sometimes even giggle about it after getting some support from others as opposed to just keeping everything 'hush hush' and pretending they live in Pleasantville.

As for me, for those that have heard me say it I think would agree it's always been said in a deadpan or sarcastic way but I do agree that I would never want DS to hear me say those words in any context. Ever. Because the flipside, as Rouge used as an example with DS referring to himself as a 'bad son' would just devastate me. So if that means I never say it at all, even with a sometimes humourous slant, then so be it and I'll consider myself lucky he's too young to even scratch his own nose, let alone understand what his Mummy said in the past!

[Lolli]

Agreeing with Cassius and Sterla.

I often vote myself president of the 'bad mummy's club', but i do it totally tongue in cheek. I'm also thinking of another that's running atm, about friends without kids judging your parenting. My being a 'bad' mummy is also a throwback reaction to that- as they say, I used to be perfect parent before i had kids. i find soladarity and sistahood in commiserating my 'bad' mummy experiences with other 'bad' mummies who have done what is not ideal- shouted, smacked, bribed, used the Nanny Panasonic

Having said that, it's not something I've internalised. i call myself a 'bad' mummy because I know I'm not one- I adore my kids and do my absolute best by them. But I also know I'm not perfect and i like to have a (self depreciating) sense of humour about myself.

But I'm also taking on what Rogue has said- language is important and I wouldn't like my kids to hear me say that I'm bad. Maybe i need to come up with some other terminology

[Rouge]

I think it's great to acknowledge your flaws, and even talk about how unhappy you are with them. As for attacking yourself for it - that's not cool. Please don't think I'm saying it's not ok to reflect on moments when you feel bad for something that has happened whilst being a parent

And so that everyone knows... the wonderful woman was suse

[suse]

Awww shucks hon! I've been outed before I even had a chance to show my face in here. How slack am I? Well done you though on getting the ball rolling on such a brilliant discussion

Part of my concern about the 'bad mum' syndrome is related to the use of the term for validation. My concern is not that people seek reassurance or advice for their parenting choices, especially when there are others (in the wider community) who might be quick to criticise. Yes, we all need to own our choices, but sometimes even the strongest and most confident of us need some support in doing so. What concerns me is that by asking for validation using the term 'bad mother', instead of receiving constructive advice or support, the term invites a blanket reassurance rather than anything truly useful. I believe it is much more constructive when the question is phrased in a different way - 'am I doing what's best for my family', 'could I make my choice differently', that kind of thing.

But my bigger concern is that the term has been trivialised, and thus becomes less meaningful. Some examples, 'My child fell off the couch and bumped his head - I feel like such a bad mum because I didn't catch him', 'I didn't immediately notice that she'd had a poo and she got nappy rash - I'm a bad mum', 'he climbed up to a high shelf and grabbed something potentially dangerous, even though he'd never climbed that shelf before' - these are all things that happen easily and often in a child's lifetime; even though we do feel bad that our child has experienced trauma, deep down we all know that in the scheme of things these are minor traumas.

Don't get me wrong, it's natural to be concerned for our child and to want to protect them from harm, and to feel bad when harm befalls them. We are so involved in the care of our children that when the worst thing that has happened to your child in their lifetime thus far is a grazed knee or nappy rash, it's not difficult to lose a sense of perspective on the significance of it. When we can see that although the consequence of an event was minor the potential for serious harm was just as likely, this is terrifying and it is difficult not to get overwhelmed by the fear.

But by comparing yourself to the worst parent in the world by not preventing something which in all likelihood may happen to your child many times in their lifetime, what does it teach them about the nature of fallibility? A child will make many mistakes as they go through life - if that child's primary role-model is unable to hold her own mistakes in perspective, learn from them and move on - what will that child learn about how to deal with mistakes?

[Gigi]

When you're brand new at something, and trying new ideas out, throw in sleep deprivation (bilby slept for two hours at a time until she was 20 months old) - and pnd, i didn't find it very do-able to think rationally about "the glass half full" at the time.

knowing there were places like here on BB to come and vent, was a sanity saver (even if i didn't use it, knowing it existed).

I do get "positive" language. During our breastfeeding journey, i made the decision to stop saying "feeding on demand" and start saying "feeding by request". that made a big difference to us continuing our bf-ing journey. Words can be very powerful.

but i do think most of us are guilty of hyperbole. we say all the time, "that's terrible", when really, terrible is losing your home, your loved ones in a natural disaster, somebody dying from cancer. Not missing your fave tv show or some other banality.

i'm finding it alot easier to think rationally, get some perspective, now my child is sleeping more.

[maz]

Having a terrible day....or a blue monday as my mother would say really doesnt get any better if we call ourselves a bad mother now does it?

All path's have rock's, stones, muddy puddles, its the way we learn to jump around them or even just walk through them thats makes us the person for doing it. If we get a bit dirty in the process, so be it. We still need to keep our head's held high because we actually got through and made it to the other side

The glass is half full people's not half empty remember

[Nelle]

Interesting!

Gigi is right - we are all guilty of hyperbole at times. Sometimes we might feel 'I'm a bad mum'. I think the more constructive thing to do is to instead say 'I made a bad mistake' or 'a bad thing happened and I feel bad about it'. I can work with fixing a mistake or learning from an accident, but what can you do if you're a mummy who is just plain ol' rotten to the core? It doesn't leave much wiggle room for hope or redemption.

For me the main concern is - if I say 'I'm a bad mum because I dropped my baby' - that judgement goes onto all other parents who drop their babies. All parents who drop their babies are all bad? It's not as simple as that...
Sometimes if someone says something like 'I slept in and my baby had breakfast an hour late I'm such a BAD mother I don't deserve my children'. I think....ouch....I did that yesterday...
Obviously (hopefully!) the OP is just having a moment of hyperbole and will move on, but the thought stays with others in the community...that mistakes are unforgivable.

We don't mean it, but often when we judge ourselves we judge others. It's an age old truth. xo

[Mak]

It is an interesting discussion everyone! I agree Nelle - I have read some of the posts and whilst thinking that the person is having a moment and in need of support/venting, I have thought 'cripes what would they think of me' - kids never sleep, place a mess, constant bumps and bruises, then remember it is not about me, lol.

My response comes from the angle that often the negative self talk becomes the norm. I experienced PND also and a massive part of dealing with that for me has been in my thought processes and reactions to things not going to plan.
I have also seen a massive change in my 3yo when we have made a conscious effort to address specific behaviours/incidents rather than just blanket terms, IYKWIM.

[~Kaz~]

This is such an interesting thread/discussion.

I agree with so much, especially the importance of language. For me, the difference lies in how the 'bad' is expressed. There is a big difference between "I feel like such a bad mum" (for some temporary/situational event) compared to "I am such a bad mum". It's in the totality of the label in the second statement. As others have said, the first statement implies more acknowledging a mistake and there is more room to decide to learn from it and make positive changes for next time. In the second, the statement is blanket, all encompassing.

Having said that, I do think the context and manner of saying the second statement are important. As Lori-Rae said, it can be as a reaction against being overly judged against the perfectionist unrealistic model of parenting we often come up against in the wider community. I get that's where the term probably came from and support the sentiment that a mum who says this tongue in cheek about her well-considered choices, is actually saying stuff you to all the "shoulds". It's not good when the kids overhear though. I'm definintely going to be careful how and when I use this saying from now on. (Not that I've said it that often so far).

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I just wanna this thread, because I've seen a fair few of these threads lately, and I don't have kids, so I can't really comment in each thread - but I don't want you lovely Mums thinking you're so bad, coz you're NOT!!!

So, read what all the experienced Mum's hafta say about it, and then take this from me

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

I just wanna this thread, because I've seen a fair few of these threads lately, and I don't have kids, so I can't really comment in each thread - but I don't want you lovely Mums thinking you're so bad, coz you're NOT!!!

So, read what all the experienced Mum's hafta say about it, and then take this from me

Berenice - I thought about this exact thread when i read the thread you are referring to!

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Berenice - I thought about this exact thread when i read the thread you are referring to!

Thanks Negrita

I just wanna clarify - I'm not targeting any one, specific person/thread by doing this, there have been a few over the past week. I understand that Mums feel guilty a lot of the time, whether it be for real or perceived events, but I just wanted to basically say...

Anyone who takes the time to post about how horrible they feel for something that's happened, is OBVIOUSLY not a bad parent - because you care enough to be upset

[Ryatha]

I agree that the negative talk isn't helpful but can slip out on bad days. No matter what we think of ourselves out LO's think we are fantastic. I have had huge issues raising DD1 and so I have been going to PND group counselling. DD1 asked me what it was so I told her it was a group to help me be a better mum. Her reply brought me to tears: "you don't need to go to that mum, you are the best mum in the world!" and she gave me a great big hug.

[Turkish Delight]

i never even saw this thread til today

I don't even look at those "bad mother of the year" threads, coz we've all done some silly and downright stupid things as being parents.

Nobody is perfect (well...i'm contending for that title soon!).

[PumpkinZulu]

I don't have children (yet) bit I think that anyone who is concerned and involved enough with their kids and their parenting to post on BellyBelly can hardly be called a 'bad' mother

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I see "bad mother" threads and expect they've fed their child arsenic by mistake or let a little one fall into the pool and not notice... but no, it's for doing things I do every day! Or even just once a month. But it's always for things I do/have done.

I don't post on those threads because I don't want to highlight how awful I am for having a shower leaving DS with the TV, for letting him whinge at Nursery (with people he loves) because I'm late for the work that keeps him fed and homed, for letting him eat Weetabix, for letting my mum have him for a few days, for being crabby with no sleep... I'm not a bad mother, I'm a FANTASTIC mother and a human. That and virtual slapping "bad mothers" isn't as satisfying as doing it in reality.